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Login*!~ Joke of the day ~!*
135 posts
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A woman has a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9
year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are the
closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy said "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again here in my place"
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A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss
" What is the meaning of appraisal ? "
Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee : " Yes, I do. "
Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by
comparing it with resignation. "
In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness,
errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths,
past achievements and success.
===
During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay
hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without
asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !
===
During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not
meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that
you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team;
that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? ";
you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors
to success.
===
There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after
appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put
in your resignation.
===
Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do.
When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
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so bloodly true in my context
Originally posted by browniebaobao:A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss
" What is the meaning of appraisal ? "
Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee : " Yes, I do. "
Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by
comparing it with resignation. "
In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness,
errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths,
past achievements and success.
===
During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay
hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without
asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !
===
During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not
meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that
you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team;
that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? ";
you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors
to success.
===
There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after
appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put
in your resignation.
===
Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do.
When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
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A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look .... Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... Made in Japan! Proton...no good.... Made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... Look.... Nissan!!!..... Very good!! Very fast! Made in Japan! Proton.... No good.... Made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. ! Jap: look.... Look... Honda!!.... Very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... Very expensive..... You overcharge!!
Driver: Noooo .... Look .... Look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very Fast!.... Made in Japan!
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dig this out from my emails
~The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)
At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!
When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend) ~
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A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our small town. From the beginning,
Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger
was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.
In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents
were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good
from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger
. . . he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound
for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or
science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem
to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us
were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say,
and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home . . .
not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime
visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that
burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my
mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He
made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about
sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes
suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships
were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after
time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was
seldom rebuked . . . and NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger
moved in with our family. He has blended right in and
is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if
you could walk into my parents' den today, you would
still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for
someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw
his pictures. His name? . . .
We just call him, "TV."
**Note: This should be required reading for every household
in North America!**
He has a younger sister now. We call her "Computer."
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What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
> The Catholic type supports the masses.
> The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
> The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright
> The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters?used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood??for, it is about time you became informed!
>>(A} Almost Boobs...
>>{B} Barely there.
>>{C} Can't Complain!
>>{D} Dang!
>>{DD} Double dang!
>>{E} Enorm! ous!
>>{F} Fake.
>>{G} Get a Reduction.
>>{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
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lol
Originally posted by browniebaobao:What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
> The Catholic type supports the masses.
> The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
> The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright
> The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters?used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood??for, it is about time you became informed!
>>(A} Almost Boobs...
>>{B} Barely there.
>>{C} Can't Complain!
>>{D} Dang!
>>{DD} Double dang!
>>{E} Enorm! ous!
>>{F} Fake.
>>{G} Get a Reduction.
>>{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
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A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably
for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a
table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and
then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying.
- "They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a
thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
sipped some of the drink. A young man came over and begged them to let
him buy them another meal. The lady explained that no, they were used
to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old
lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,
"THE TEETH"
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A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says
to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer
excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh|t?"
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:-
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but
I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better" she said,"but it's still not very nice to use the word
bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Eddie,can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I look forward to
introducing you to right after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
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On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room.
After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they
decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later,
someone knocked on the door. "Who is it?" they called out.
"I`m the blind man," came the reply. The nuns decided to let him in
since he wouldn`t be able to see them. They opened the door
and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised
when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want to install the blinds?"
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