Marriage Breakdown... Seeking Advice...
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Hi, I chanced upon this forum, and decided to open up my heart here.
I met my wife 9 years, and we got married 4 years ago. We were quite happily married, but I was hiding a dark secret from her, I was heavily in debt from stock market losses. My debts were rising quickly, till I had problems servicing it. Out of desperation, I took out some loans in my wife's name (means forging her signature). But no matter how hard I worked, never seemed to clear them.
In Oct this year, I finally had enough. I came clean about my debts. My wife was shocked. What was worse was that she found out I forged her signature before I can tell her. She was livid. She packed her bags and left home 2 weeks later.
It's been 2 months since she left home. She has told me that it is impossible for her to trust anyone again, and I have wasted her youth, and destroyed her dreams. She mentioned that we are finished.
I had apologised to her, her parents and have sought for forgiveness. That was the only thing I did wrong in the last 9 years, and i really regretted it. I only committed the folly out of desperation. Why can't she forgive me?
Also, she said that there was no chance for us to get back together, yet she is not taking any actions to serve me the divorce petition.. why is that so? Could that mean that there is a ray of hope for me?
I love her too dearly to let her go, but I know she has been hurt terribly. What can I do to remedy this situation?
I hope for some sincere sharing here...
Many thanks. -
Joe,
I am armygirl here, not trying to nag you but the stock market is a very treacherous place where there is no forgiveness
i have seen people bankrupt because i myself is in this line, eg jacelyn tay who was a bankrupt even though she is a so called "star:
try not to invest wat you cannot afford to lose and dun play "contra", heed my words, try to talk to your wife and tell her that you will try your best to pay and that you promise not to play again
and try to gain her respect slowly, tell her dun tell me she wants to sacrifice so many years of relationship ? -
Thanks armygirl.Originally posted by armygirl:Joe,
try not to invest wat you cannot afford to lose and dun play "contra", heed my words, try to talk to your wife and tell her that you will try your best to pay and that you promise not to play again
and try to gain her respect slowly, tell her dun tell me she wants to sacrifice so many years of relationship ?
We are selling the flat, and from the proceeds, will repay the loan.
I have already cancel all credit cards and share trading accounts.
How to gain respect? I really don't understand why she couldn't forgive... I know trust is very important, but people do make mistakes right? Why must I pay such a high price? -
Hi Regularjoe,Originally posted by regularjoe:Hi, I chanced upon this forum, and decided to open up my heart here.
I met my wife 9 years, and we got married 4 years ago. We were quite happily married, but I was hiding a dark secret from her, I was heavily in debt from stock market losses. My debts were rising quickly, till I had problems servicing it. Out of desperation, I took out some loans in my wife's name (means forging her signature). But no matter how hard I worked, never seemed to clear them.
In Oct this year, I finally had enough. I came clean about my debts. My wife was shocked. What was worse was that she found out I forged her signature before I can tell her. She was livid. She packed her bags and left home 2 weeks later.
It's been 2 months since she left home. She has told me that it is impossible for her to trust anyone again, and I have wasted her youth, and destroyed her dreams. She mentioned that we are finished.
I had apologised to her, her parents and have sought for forgiveness. That was the only thing I did wrong in the last 9 years, and i really regretted it. I only committed the folly out of desperation. Why can't she forgive me?
Also, she said that there was no chance for us to get back together, yet she is not taking any actions to serve me the divorce petition.. why is that so? Could that mean that there is a ray of hope for me?
I love her too dearly to let her go, but I know she has been hurt terribly. What can I do to remedy this situation?
I hope for some sincere sharing here...
Many thanks.
You can't blame ur wife for behaving in this manner. First, you didn't come clean with all ur debts when you marry her. Being husband and wife, you should be frank with her on your debts and your past. There shouldn't be any secret between the both of you.
When she left home, I know you are deeply upset that she has left you. Make an effort in going to seek her forgiveness. At this point of time, she's still angry for what you have done and worst, forge her signature! Once she cools down, sit down and talk to her and pour out all your problems and what are the solutions are you going to do.
Find a day to go to her mum's place and talk to her preferably without her parents' present. If you are sincere, she will forgive her. But it will take time for her wounds to heal. It's up to you bro!
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Thank you BLIM, for both your advise and well wishes. Let's hope that she will cool down..Originally posted by BLIM:Hi Regularjoe,
You can't blame ur wife for behaving in this manner. First, you didn't come clean with all ur debts when you marry her. Being husband and wife, you should be frank with her on your debts and your past. There shouldn't be any secret between the both of you.
When she left home, I know you are deeply upset that she has left you. Make an effort in going to seek her forgiveness. At this point of time, she's still angry for what you have done and worst, forge her signature! Once she cools down, sit down and talk to her and pour out all your problems and what are the solutions are you going to do.
Find a day to go to her mum's place and talk to her preferably without her parents' present. If you are sincere, she will forgive her. But it will take time for her wounds to heal. It's up to you bro!
Any ladies out there willing to share your views? I hope that you can give some insights on my wife's feeling (as a woman) and whether her current actions point to? (as in temp. angry only or determined to divorce etc...) Thanks. -
Originally posted by regularjoe:Hi, I chanced upon this forum, and decided to open up my heart here.
I met my wife 9 years, and we got married 4 years ago. We were quite happily married, but I was hiding a dark secret from her, I was heavily in debt from stock market losses. My debts were rising quickly, till I had problems servicing it. Out of desperation, I took out some loans in my wife's name (means forging her signature). But no matter how hard I worked, never seemed to clear them.
In Oct this year, I finally had enough. I came clean about my debts. My wife was shocked. What was worse was that she found out I forged her signature before I can tell her. She was livid. She packed her bags and left home 2 weeks later.
It's been 2 months since she left home. She has told me that it is impossible for her to trust anyone again, and I have wasted her youth, and destroyed her dreams. She mentioned that we are finished.
I had apologised to her, her parents and have sought for forgiveness. That was the only thing I did wrong in the last 9 years, and i really regretted it. I only committed the folly out of desperation. Why can't she forgive me?
Also, she said that there was no chance for us to get back together, yet she is not taking any actions to serve me the divorce petition.. why is that so? Could that mean that there is a ray of hope for me?
I love her too dearly to let her go, but I know she has been hurt terribly. What can I do to remedy this situation?
I hope for some sincere sharing here...
Many thanks.
Two things probably came into her mind:
I) One being that this Love has came a long way and even though you made this huge mistake via deceptions and lies - consideration of forgiveness would have to take place ESPECIALLY if you are truely remorse over what had actually happen and TAKE STEPS to bridge the problem and build back what that was damaged.
II) Lies... lies... lies... die... this man is not worthy even in consideration, for he has kept a dark secret with him for years. (Esp. so if your wife is either Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo OR have strong Earth placing in her birthchart) TO properly resolve your matter, you have to do two things simultanaeously:
- Settle your physical problem; namely the issue with your debts and everything else. Secure your financial footing.
- Settle your emotional problem; namely the broken bonds with your wife. If over the years, your marriage are already dead and rocky - this would probably be the catalysis to blow everything.
P.S: Please understand that she is wounded in two ways and of course, you have to do what it takes to salvage your marriage first, then you would have another brain and arm to assist you in easing your finanicial burden. It is NOT an obligation, however, it's probably a test on what this 9 years is made of. Anyone in her shoes will be blasting as well, the difference lies in how your communication is being done and how well-substain this marriage is to face your current problem.
Cheers -
Thank you so much for the insight.Originally posted by Yunhaier: Two things probably came into her mind:
I) One being that this Love has came a long way and even though you made this huge mistake via deceptions and lies - consideration of forgiveness would have to take place ESPECIALLY if you are truely remorse over what had actually happen and TAKE STEPS to bridge the problem and build back what that was damaged.
II) Lies... lies... lies... die... this man is not worthy even in consideration, for he has kept a dark secret with him for years. (Esp. so if your wife is either Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo OR have strong Earth placing in her birthchart) TO properly resolve your matter, you have to do two things simultanaeously:
- Settle your physical problem; namely the issue with your debts and everything else. Secure your financial footing.
- Settle your emotional problem; namely the broken bonds with your wife. If over the years, your marriage are already dead and rocky - this would probably be the catalysis to blow everything.
P.S: Please understand that she is wounded in two ways and of course, you have to do what it takes to salvage your marriage first, then you would have another brain and arm to assist you in easing your finanicial burden. It is NOT an obligation, however, it's probably a test on what this 9 years is made of. Anyone in her shoes will be blasting as well, the difference lies in how your communication is being done and how well-substain this marriage is to face your current problem.
Cheers
Indeed, she is a virgo and i'm afraid that I might have fallen into cat (ii). I was hoping that it would be (i), but more likely it seems like it is (ii) now..
Well, over the years, our marriage life was probably stable, but was not exactly lovey dovey... I was mired in this debt and there were a lot of things a husband normally would have done (i.e. buy gifts, go on trips) to pamper the wife that i did not do. this resulted in her commenting that I love her less after marriage.
after I had come clean with everything, I had tried to ask her to give me a chance to make up to her as I was unable to give her a gd life becos I was mired in debts. However, once the flat is sold, my debts would have receded significantly and i should be able to become the old me, the guy that she handed her heart and youth to.
I am extremely hurt and sad that she refuses to give me this chance in life. i have loved her all these years and for those things that I did for her, do they count for nothing? I have never chided her for anything before, and even if i was angry, i have always forgiven her. i really do not think that she love me less, else she wouldn't have entrusted her life to me...
it is indeed hard now, i have lost my job because of this and now, she does not want to continue with our marriage...
however, i will be strong that as long as i am not served the divorce petition, i will not give up. I will try to secure a job and carry reducing my debt burden...
thank you Yunhaier for your wonderful advise... and if you do have further views, pls do continue to contribute...
Have a nice day! -
If you're SINCERE and SERIOUS in admitting your mistake and redeeming your ways, CHASE AFTER HER AGAIN.Originally posted by regularjoe:Hi, I chanced upon this forum, and decided to open up my heart here.
I met my wife 9 years, and we got married 4 years ago. We were quite happily married, but I was hiding a dark secret from her, I was heavily in debt from stock market losses. My debts were rising quickly, till I had problems servicing it. Out of desperation, I took out some loans in my wife's name (means forging her signature). But no matter how hard I worked, never seemed to clear them.
In Oct this year, I finally had enough. I came clean about my debts. My wife was shocked. What was worse was that she found out I forged her signature before I can tell her. She was livid. She packed her bags and left home 2 weeks later.
It's been 2 months since she left home. She has told me that it is impossible for her to trust anyone again, and I have wasted her youth, and destroyed her dreams. She mentioned that we are finished.
I had apologised to her, her parents and have sought for forgiveness. That was the only thing I did wrong in the last 9 years, and i really regretted it. I only committed the folly out of desperation. Why can't she forgive me?
Also, she said that there was no chance for us to get back together, yet she is not taking any actions to serve me the divorce petition.. why is that so? Could that mean that there is a ray of hope for me?
I love her too dearly to let her go, but I know she has been hurt terribly. What can I do to remedy this situation?
I hope for some sincere sharing here...
Many thanks.
What can be done would be done. What left cannot be, just cannot be... -
Alternatively, you might like to try Family Counselling?
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Hi RegularJoe,
U sound as if u're blaming ur wifey for Not being able to forgive u... I'm sorree but I hafta be harsh here, as this is somethg many guys r blind to. Why can't she forgive? Ev. body makes mistakes wat....... etc etc etc. I went thru the same thgs wif an ex...
Lemme share wif u my perspective, altho I wun go so far as to generalise & sez tt all women feel tt way.
It's Not the mistake, but the depth & the severity of the mistake. Here're, it's complicated by the length of time u took to confess wat u'd done.
1. Severity of the mistake. U'd actually forged ur own wifey's signature. That is a betrayal of trust tt most of us can't fathom. Many white-collar crimes involve forgery of a signature. But note "white collar crimes". These r committed @ work, & it's a betrayal of trust of an employee. Here, ur wifey has to live wif the betrayal of her husband, the man who professed to love her until death do them part. A thot tt runs to mind wld be, "Why cldn't he haf shared this wif me? We cld've thot of a solution together & borne the burden together". Which brings me to the 2nd part...
2. Length of time it took u to confess. U took 10 yrs, during ur r'ship AND during ur marriage. A marriage is a commitment, & both of u vowed to stand by each other thru thick & thin. Yet, u din share wif her ur darkest fears, & u din allow her to the opportunity to stand by u before it became too much to bear. For yrs, there was a veil of deceit, & suddenly, she was faced wif a double life tt u'd led without her knowledge. It wldn't be an exaggeration to sez tt her world has come crashing down ard her.
Wat follows, is subjective. A trust is broken, & the severity of the breakage can take a long time to repair. Marriage counselling will be the best alternative here, cosh these counsellors r academically trained to help repair a marriage. Or as Devil1976 suggests, woo her all over again.
The more u love someone, the harder u fall when u find tt there was a thick layer of smoke pulled before ur eyes. It'll make it all the harder to win her back. But if u love her as u sez u do, then it's Not all failure. But it'll mean showing her slowly & steadily how u've reduced ur debt & taken positive steps to change.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by regularjoe:Thanks armygirl.
We are selling the flat, and from the proceeds, will repay the loan.
I have already cancel all credit cards and share trading accounts.
How to gain respect? I really don't understand why she couldn't forgive... I know trust is very important, but people do make mistakes right? Why must I pay such a high price? -
Thanks Feow Feow.Originally posted by FeowFeow:Hi RegularJoe,
U sound as if u're blaming ur wifey for Not being able to forgive u... I'm sorree but I hafta be harsh here, as this is somethg many guys r blind to. Why can't she forgive? Ev. body makes mistakes wat....... etc etc etc. I went thru the same thgs wif an ex...
Lemme share wif u my perspective, altho I wun go so far as to generalise & sez tt all women feel tt way.
It's Not the mistake, but the depth & the severity of the mistake. Here're, it's complicated by the length of time u took to confess wat u'd done.
1. Severity of the mistake. U'd actually forged ur own wifey's signature. That is a betrayal of trust tt most of us can't fathom. Many white-collar crimes involve forgery of a signature. But note "white collar crimes". These r committed @ work, & it's a betrayal of trust of an employee. Here, ur wifey has to live wif the betrayal of her husband, the man who professed to love her until death do them part. A thot tt runs to mind wld be, "Why cldn't he haf shared this wif me? We cld've thot of a solution together & borne the burden together". Which brings me to the 2nd part...
2. Length of time it took u to confess. U took 10 yrs, during ur r'ship AND during ur marriage. A marriage is a commitment, & both of u vowed to stand by each other thru thick & thin. Yet, u din share wif her ur darkest fears, & u din allow her to the opportunity to stand by u before it became too much to bear. For yrs, there was a veil of deceit, & suddenly, she was faced wif a double life tt u'd led without her knowledge. It wldn't be an exaggeration to sez tt her world has come crashing down ard her.
Wat follows, is subjective. A trust is broken, & the severity of the breakage can take a long time to repair. Marriage counselling will be the best alternative here, cosh these counsellors r academically trained to help repair a marriage. Or as Devil1976 suggests, woo her all over again.
The more u love someone, the harder u fall when u find tt there was a thick layer of smoke pulled before ur eyes. It'll make it all the harder to win her back. But if u love her as u sez u do, then it's Not all failure. But it'll mean showing her slowly & steadily how u've reduced ur debt & taken positive steps to change.
FeowFeow
Your post is indeed congruent with what I think my wife has told me.
Indeed, it is the depth and severity of the mistake. I had an email from her that mentioned she can't understand why someone who want to forge his wife signature and over a period of time at that. so your analysis is spot on...
The intention I had then was never to try to pull her into deep water with me, i was hoping that I could settle the problem myself, but alas, it became worse and finally I suucumb to forgery...
I am not blaming her for not forgiving, just that I see so many other couples have stood bt each other when the going gets tough, even tougher than ours... just a little bit bitter.. cos all the love and tlc counts for nothing ...
anyway, the situation does not look good for me... the only bright spark is she has yet to initiate any divorce proceedings...
I have already tried to book a session with the counsellors at the family court.. and will be attending it sometime next week alone... there's is no way that she will attend cos she is avoiding all contact with me...
now the question is... what changes is expected of me. Other than the obvious, reducing the debt, wat else? I can only carry on with my life the way it is... working harder.. and trying to woo her back... which is the hardest part now...
whatever it takes, I will try to win her back... and i'm prepared to wai and to suffer... for my suffering will never be as great as what she is going through... just hope that I have the strength...
Thanks once again... I am very happy to have read your post cos it is so insightful... i would certainly hope that you could continue to contribute your views here... once again... thanks. -
Hi RegularJoe,
I'm glad u din take offence, cosh sometimes I hafta be harsh in AA so tt pple may see from another's pt of view, esp. those they've hurt. It's heartening to see u so positive : )
Perhaps if u'd told her in the beginning, she wldn't be so upset now, but tt's over, & the best thg for u to do rite now is to accept tt. Acknowledge tt u've hurt her, & try all over again.
The best thg to do is Not to bug her, nor try to defend urself nor ur actions, cosh perhaps, to her, u did wrong, & u shd accept tt u did wrong. Note tt I sez "perhaps" cosh I can never assume tt she'll think how I think.
Wat I'd suggest, depending on ur wifey's character (u oughta noe best) r:
1. Acknowledge tt u've hurt her & tt u're v. sorree. Understand tt she'll need some time to be alone & to assess her options. Work hard to reduce ur debt, & show proof to her of tt. Then, tell her u've come up wif a plan on wat u're gonna do to get a job & reduce ur debts further. Gauge her reaction to tt, & venture to ask her views, & her help.
2. Leave her alone until u've found a job, then ask her out for dinner & sez it's ur treat cosh u've found a job. Hopefully by then, absence makes the heart grow fonder, & she'll miss u enuff to agree to meet u. Take the proof of reduction of debt to show ur sincerity, & ask for another chance.
3. Either 1 or 2, & tell her u've been to marriage counselling. Most imptly, show her tt u're sincere in changing, & u wan to win her trust all over again.
I hafta warn u tt, for some time, it'll be really tough on u, cosh @ any pt in time, she'll drag this matter out whenever u make her upset. Realise tt the hurt goes v. deep, & try to bear wif it, otherwise she may think tt u're Not sincere abt making amends.
I hope u'll succeed : )
FeowFeowOriginally posted by regularjoe:Thanks Feow Feow.
Your post is indeed congruent with what I think my wife has told me.
Indeed, it is the depth and severity of the mistake. I had an email from her that mentioned she can't understand why someone who want to forge his wife signature and over a period of time at that. so your analysis is spot on...
The intention I had then was never to try to pull her into deep water with me, i was hoping that I could settle the problem myself, but alas, it became worse and finally I suucumb to forgery...
I am not blaming her for not forgiving, just that I see so many other couples have stood bt each other when the going gets tough, even tougher than ours... just a little bit bitter.. cos all the love and tlc counts for nothing ...
anyway, the situation does not look good for me... the only bright spark is she has yet to initiate any divorce proceedings...
I have already tried to book a session with the counsellors at the family court.. and will be attending it sometime next week alone... there's is no way that she will attend cos she is avoiding all contact with me...
now the question is... what changes is expected of me. Other than the obvious, reducing the debt, wat else? I can only carry on with my life the way it is... working harder.. and trying to woo her back... which is the hardest part now...
whatever it takes, I will try to win her back... and i'm prepared to wai and to suffer... for my suffering will never be as great as what she is going through... just hope that I have the strength...
Thanks once again... I am very happy to have read your post cos it is so insightful... i would certainly hope that you could continue to contribute your views here... once again... thanks. -
Why would anyone take offence to such gd advice? I can't thank you enough...Originally posted by FeowFeow:Hi RegularJoe,
I'm glad u din take offence, cosh sometimes I hafta be harsh in AA so tt pple may see from another's pt of view, esp. those they've hurt. It's heartening to see u so positive : )
Perhaps if u'd told her in the beginning, she wldn't be so upset now, but tt's over, & the best thg for u to do rite now is to accept tt. Acknowledge tt u've hurt her, & try all over again.
The best thg to do is Not to bug her, nor try to defend urself nor ur actions, cosh perhaps, to her, u did wrong, & u shd accept tt u did wrong. Note tt I sez "perhaps" cosh I can never assume tt she'll think how I think.
Wat I'd suggest, depending on ur wifey's character (u oughta noe best) r:
1. Acknowledge tt u've hurt her & tt u're v. sorree. Understand tt she'll need some time to be alone & to assess her options. Work hard to reduce ur debt, & show proof to her of tt. Then, tell her u've come up wif a plan on wat u're gonna do to get a job & reduce ur debts further. Gauge her reaction to tt, & venture to ask her views, & her help.
2. Leave her alone until u've found a job, then ask her out for dinner & sez it's ur treat cosh u've found a job. Hopefully by then, absence makes the heart grow fonder, & she'll miss u enuff to agree to meet u. Take the proof of reduction of debt to show ur sincerity, & ask for another chance.
3. Either 1 or 2, & tell her u've been to marriage counselling. Most imptly, show her tt u're sincere in changing, & u wan to win her trust all over again.
I hafta warn u tt, for some time, it'll be really tough on u, cosh @ any pt in time, she'll drag this matter out whenever u make her upset. Realise tt the hurt goes v. deep, & try to bear wif it, otherwise she may think tt u're Not sincere abt making amends.
I hope u'll succeed : )
FeowFeow
Again, your suggestions are solid... at least for a guy who is as daft as me... the first thing is really to nail down a job... hope things turn ard soon... she had wanted to sell the matrimonial flat to ease the debts... so we are busily engaging the housing agent to procure buyers... the proceeds should at least cut the debts by 3/4...
It's not either (1) or (2), it'll be both. i'll just let her be for the next week, while i try to look for a job... and goes for the marriage counselling. i'll also negotiate with all my debtors... that's at least the plan for next week...
will just grin and bear it...
thanks once again... -
I also believe she needs some time to accept what you have done as trust is gone for now. Hope you could start to build up the trust again.Is not easy but I know you will succeed.
Building trust is not easy. I believe she will start believing you again in time to come. Dont give up. Giving up will only make her think of anger and rushing to end the marriage which I believe is the last thing that you want to see.
Can see that you still love your wife, continue to show that.
Do note take that to always try to light up the loving spark between both of you in future and maintain very good communication during this period even though she dont want to met u. One day she will rest in your arms again. : ) -
Thank you for your encouragement and advise.Originally posted by chaykwaytiao:I also believe she needs some time to accept what you have done as trust is gone for now. Hope you could start to build up the trust again.Is not easy but I know you will succeed.
Building trust is not easy. I believe she will start believing you again in time to come. Dont give up. Giving up will only make her think of anger and rushing to end the marriage which I believe is the last thing that you want to see.
Can see that you still love your wife, continue to show that.
Do note take that to always try to light up the loving spark between both of you in future and maintain very good communication during this period even though she dont want to met u. One day she will rest in your arms again. : )
Yes, this is an incredibly difficult period of my love. I am terribly hurt by how things have turned out.
Like you mention, not hearing from her at all for the past week is so difficult, when we were nearly together everyday for the past 9 yrs. I have so much urge to pick up the phone and hear her voice, just a simple hello will do. But I don't dare, because she doesn't want to hear from me.
I am so torn; I want to say hi, but I am afraid of her anger... and like you mentioned, it could make her go to the extent to end the marriage. Although she has not mentioned the word "divorce" yet, but she has mentioned in an email to me that she could never trust me again, and hoped that I would be a better person after I settle the loans and wished me the best. She also mentioned that she is not suitable for me, and urged to find some other companion. Isn't this the same as saying that she wants to end the marriage?
I would really love to talk to her during this period; but should I do so when the hurt is still so raw?
Being the daft person I am, I might not have understood some of her words and actions and why. Can anyone kind enough to enlighten me?
For all readers, take good care of your loved ones and spend quality time together. Don't let these times be a memory, embrace them and don't ever let go..
Regularjoe -
if I am not wrong, she still loves u and willing to giving a chance... but dont take it for granted... show your worth.. show that you are the man she married and chosen correctly.
reading from what your above reply.. your heart maybe telling you what you should be doing. -
emails are not a good way to communicate when feelings are involved.
Eyes can show everything. -
this will have to come later...
i will still need to get myself together...
the first priority is to get a job first... then will have to find ways to pay off the loans...
the other matter is that she wants desperately to sell off the matrimonial flat ... reason given is that she hope that the proceeds can help to lessen my loan burden... but many well meaning people has actually told me not to sell it off, as it could only hasten the end of our marriage...
another reason given by my wife is that she finds that there are too many bad memories of this place, so she doesn't want to come home at all... -
The flat may have held bad memories for her, but i'm sure they hold even more good memories. She means well when she wants to sell it off to pay your loans, and it seems deep down, she really loves you.Originally posted by regularjoe:this will have to come later...
i will still need to get myself together...
the first priority is to get a job first... then will have to find ways to pay off the loans...
the other matter is that she wants desperately to sell off the matrimonial flat ... reason given is that she hope that the proceeds can help to lessen my loan burden... but many well meaning people has actually told me not to sell it off, as it could only hasten the end of our marriage...
another reason given by my wife is that she finds that there are too many bad memories of this place, so she doesn't want to come home at all...
Deal with your most immediate problems first, and stand by it. Do not regret, and try to rectify the situation.
Since the main problem all this while(to you), is the financial problem, do what you can to solve it asap. If selling the flat can do that, then do it. You need to get your life back on track, before you can woo her again. -
hi joe..
seeing your traits makes me think of the situation i am in. i am facing the same situation exactly like you. although i have not been married for as long as you did, but worst was just a couple of months. mistakes done by me was brought to light and i come clean. she just left and till now it has been for a couple of months. although we still see each other regularly, but whenever we do, it gets worse. i love to see her and miss her so much. during this few months of apart, the amount of efforts being put in is big.. but it is never enuf. she will never be able to forget the mistakes i did over $$. now, for ever small things, she will flare and say and do hurtful things onto me. she has turned violet too. many times i was injured and hurt by her. although that is happening, i still cant stop wanting to see her as she is the love of my life. i used to be a man who does not really care about woman, but ever since i carried the vow, i have totally changed. $$ is the root and greed kills.
now i am going thru depression and i dont know how bad is yours. but very soon, i will be losing my job. situation is getting worse. even when i am hurt or injured, no care or concern is shown by her.. that is the worse part.
never do wrong. once wrong, no matter what right you did, it will be stained and will not be forgiven -
deepman,
women are alway remember the bad deeds in the past.
They are not as forgiving as man in general from what I know.you cant blame them,this is how woman are created.
I believe your wife would be with you again since she still meet you. Your love is in your hand to win it back. Wish you the best. -
As a woman , I don't think I want to trust someone who forges my signature. No pun intended. Men also remember bad deeds in the past as well. It is just human.Originally posted by chaykwaytiao:deepman,
women are alway remember the bad deeds in the past.
They are not as forgiving as man in general from what I know.you cant blame them,this is how woman are created.
I believe your wife would be with you again since she still meet you. Your love is in your hand to win it back. Wish you the best.
Really trust has to be earnt , it is not given. You betrayed a trust. So time for you to find a way to earn her trust back. Earning a trust back is never easy.
Regularjoe , you are lucky your wife did not push formal charges on you for forgery. She seems to exhibit some concern for you to use the flat to repay the loan as well. You are lucky in a way. For the moment , I suggest you give her some time out to think things over carefully.
Don't go telling her " I have never chided her for anything before, and even if i was angry, i have always forgiven her. i really do not think that she love me less, else she wouldn't have entrusted her life to me... " because , friend, what you did was an ultimate betrayal.
If she decides she cannot forgive you during that period , you cannot push her either except take things one at a time. People make mistakes , some can be repaired , some cannot . Like a mirror , once there is a crack , there will always be a crack despite all the repairs.
May even take years for forgiveness.
You got your priorities right - get yourself out of the debt legally and honestly. Fix yourself first before you try fixing your marriage. Let her know how sorry you are and your plans over a coffee or something if she is agreeable. Keep her as a friend. Friendship is a building block for trust . Don't go pushing into marriage etc. -
Hi Aaron,Originally posted by _Aaron_:The flat may have held bad memories for her, but i'm sure they hold even more good memories. She means well when she wants to sell it off to pay your loans, and it seems deep down, she really loves you.
Deal with your most immediate problems first, and stand by it. Do not regret, and try to rectify the situation.
Since the main problem all this while(to you), is the financial problem, do what you can to solve it asap. If selling the flat can do that, then do it. You need to get your life back on track, before you can woo her again.
Thank you for sharing.
Yes, sometimes things are actually quite simple; eliminate one problem at a time and ultimately, all your problems are solved. But unfortunately, humans are afterall creatures with emotions; it often clouds one's thinking and perspective.
I know what I should do, but it is just so hard...
Anyway, thanks for your advice and hope that you will continue contributing in this thread...
Regularjoe -
Hi deepman,Originally posted by deepman:hi joe..
seeing your traits makes me think of the situation i am in. i am facing the same situation exactly like you. although i have not been married for as long as you did, but worst was just a couple of months. mistakes done by me was brought to light and i come clean. she just left and till now it has been for a couple of months. although we still see each other regularly, but whenever we do, it gets worse. i love to see her and miss her so much. during this few months of apart, the amount of efforts being put in is big.. but it is never enuf. she will never be able to forget the mistakes i did over $$. now, for ever small things, she will flare and say and do hurtful things onto me. she has turned violet too. many times i was injured and hurt by her. although that is happening, i still cant stop wanting to see her as she is the love of my life. i used to be a man who does not really care about woman, but ever since i carried the vow, i have totally changed. $$ is the root and greed kills.
now i am going thru depression and i dont know how bad is yours. but very soon, i will be losing my job. situation is getting worse. even when i am hurt or injured, no care or concern is shown by her.. that is the worse part.
never do wrong. once wrong, no matter what right you did, it will be stained and will not be forgiven
Be strong. Be comforted that she still sees you. I would do anything even just to hear her voice again.
You must hang on to your job no matter what happens, cos this is your lifeline. Like all well meaning forumers had adviced, take steps to solve our problems first; before even thinking of salvaging the marriage.
I am going through the same thing as you. She doesn't care anymore about what happens to me anymore. I sms her, she will not reply. It's just that, it seems she has just disappeared.
I understand what you are going through... I think I am getting out of depression. During the past 2 months, I cried, I despised myself, I had suicidal thoughts, sleepless nights, I lost a lot of weight... while going through all these, i kept worrying when the banks will actually come after me... everytime when the phone rings, I will go crazy. I dun know if it is my wife or the banks...
I was also bitter about why I was given a chance; but know I understand, cos this is the way some women are... though sometimes I wonder about the marriage vow.. "through thick and thin"...
Now, I am starting to pick myself up. How do I know I am getting out of the rut? Because I don't get affected by bad news anymore. For instance, I was told by some gd and kind career counsellors taht indeed, it is difficult for me to find a job in this market now, because of my career work experiences. Maybe, that is what they call structural displacement. I am of course concerned, but then I know that there must still be some way that I can earn some money. I will carry on trying... and I know that if eventually, I am still unable to get a job to fend off the banks, it is just bankruptcy that I have to face. However, I will try to fight it off cos I still want to salvage my marriage, and I do not want to sabotage my own chances by getting myself bankrupted.
Has she mentioned about divorce yet, or are you legally separated? Are you also about to sell your matrimonial flat? Try not to bring up these subjects in your outings, and never lose patience with her... just be happy that you still get to see her and try to please her as much as possible...
I hope you can stay strong during these times... it's gonna be worse before it gets better... I always believe that the world is actually a place full of warmth and hope, and if you hold on to this belief, you should be all right.
C'mon in often to share...
Take care.
Regularjoe -
Hi fymk,Originally posted by fymk:As a woman , I don't think I want to trust someone who forges my signature. No pun intended. Men also remember bad deeds in the past as well. It is just human.
Really trust has to be earnt , it is not given. You betrayed a trust. So time for you to find a way to earn her trust back. Earning a trust back is never easy.
Regularjoe , you are lucky your wife did not push formal charges on you for forgery. She seems to exhibit some concern for you to use the flat to repay the loan as well. You are lucky in a way. For the moment , I suggest you give her some time out to think things over carefully.
Don't go telling her " I have never chided her for anything before, and even if i was angry, i have always forgiven her. i really do not think that she love me less, else she wouldn't have entrusted her life to me... " because , friend, what you did was an ultimate betrayal.
If she decides she cannot forgive you during that period , you cannot push her either except take things one at a time. People make mistakes , some can be repaired , some cannot . Like a mirror , once there is a crack , there will always be a crack despite all the repairs.
May even take years for forgiveness.
You got your priorities right - get yourself out of the debt legally and honestly. Fix yourself first before you try fixing your marriage. Let her know how sorry you are and your plans over a coffee or something if she is agreeable. Keep her as a friend. Friendship is a building block for trust . Don't go pushing into marriage etc.
Thanks for your advice, though it is indeed shattering to know that I might not be forgiven...
You are right, in my remorse, I had told her that I am sorry to have done that, and was ready to face any charges brought against me. She did not respond to that, but instead helped me pay off a part of my loans. then she moved out. It hurts me even more this way; How could I have hurt someone who loves me that much? This hurt and regret will forever be etched in my heart, and my only desire and motive now is to get out of this debt and try to win her back.
I will not push her into anything now, for this is what she wants now, to be away from me... she needs time to think things through, and I will respect her decision. These times away from each other is hard to bear, but I believe that eventually if we ever get back together, we will be blessed with a wonderful and happy future. I will carry this hope in my heart and try to get myself up...
fymk, your sharing is brutal and honest, and I appreciate that, for only then can one learn and change... pls continue to share...
take care.
Regularjoe