Lost of empathy - depression n personality disorder sufferer
-
I am a sufferer of depression(as well as some sort of a hybrid personality disorder with narcissism and paranoia) as told by doctors frm IMH and other specialists I've seen over these years. I have a hell lot of problems caused by depression. But right now I just want to talk about this issue of me losing empathy.
I can't connect with other people anymore even if I do make an effort to socialize and learn. And of course, I can and have never be in a successful romantic relationship before. I can't understand people, and I tend to have conflicts with people. I get frustrated with people. And it caused me to keep away from people. But the more I keep away from people, the less I am able to understand and connect. Its a vicious cycle if you understand what's happening.
I am currently trying my best to keep a positive attitude and I'm treating the depression itself, as well as trying to get my empathy back and stop being a zombie anymore. I have thought of getting/borrowing books on romantic relationships(human psychology, conflicts, understanding emotional needs) but I'm not too sure. Any recommendations? Also, if you pple have an idea of how I can help myself, please do share with me and help me fight it. Thanks a hell lot. -
Hi zombiefied, i'm in a somewhat similar situation as u...
I do not have any formal diagosis of my prob cos i've not seen any psychiatrists but one of the GREATEST prob of my life is my inability 2 connect to ppl...
Despite all my effort, i do not have a close circle of loyal frens nor a wide social network.... i'm a uni student, this is the best time of my life to have fun, i see most of my classmates/peers enjoying great relationships, either havin many frens or being attached ... i can't understand why i'm feelin so isolated & miserable
I feel like a great LOSER at times... i dun know if i have any mental illness ( i doubt so cos i "function" normally in most aspects of my life & have a good relationship with my parents) but i can basically streamlined my probs into 3 main factors:
Moon Swing (Bipolar disorder)
Low self esteem
Personality disorder
My misery is always magnified during the year-end festive seasons... last yr, i turned off my hp & went into some kinda of self-imposed isolation... apart frm my parents & leaving the hse 2 get food, i've not contact anyone for over 2 weeks...
it's not necessarily a sign of mental illness... i guess it's jus feelin the need to withdraw frm all the outside world (aft feelin so defeated) & seekin to "find myself"
If the cause of ur probs has some biological root, which ur doc should hav diagnose, then maybe takin medications wld help...
I've not seen a doc cos i believe my probs is not caused by some chemical inbalance in the brain or other biological defect ( as in some depression cases), hence medications may not be helpful
I'm jus extremely unsatisfied by how my frens have treated me, how my relationships hav turned out, jus immensely frustrated at my inability to build deep & enduring relationships socially... -
Hi pete_parker, its nice to know that there is somebody out there who is experiencing something similar to the terrible life I'm living
I think one thing we might have in common is emotional baggage.
Lets see what others have to say to pple like us... -
Hi to both.Originally posted by zombiefied:Hi pete_parker, its nice to know that there is somebody out there who is experiencing something similar to the terrible life I'm living
I think one thing we might have in common is emotional baggage.
Lets see what others have to say to pple like us...
First of all let me give a brief introduction of myself.
I'm 28 this year, no job, no money, only a great gf who believe in me and I'm still a happy person.
18 years back when I'm 10, there's a lot of questions inside my mind which till now I still can't find the answers to it. My life in Primary school wasn't that bad until when I'm in Sec 1 where the problem starts to surface.
When I got my PSLE result that time, I was given choice whether to choose between express stream or normal stream and pride got me and I end up choosing express stream.
When school started, for the first half year, I've got problems coping with secondary life and most important of all, classmates. The competition was strong and I slowly start to isolate myself from the rest of my classmates. Things got worse when I got into Sec 2. I couldn't get along with my classmates, to me, they are people who look for me when they needed my help and shun me when I'm no longer in use. That was when I completely shut myself out from everyone. I don't talk to anyone, don't eat with anyone. Everyone goes out together for movies and lunches and I'll roam the school canteen alone during recess time and eat alone, goes to movie alone and does everything alone.
I still remember one incident that shocked my form teacher. The class was given a project and everyone was to form groups to do the project. During class break, I approach the teacher and request to do the project alone. She was shocked by my request and tried to consult me but my mind was made up then. I told her it's either she give me permission to do the project alone or she can give me a zero straight on the spot. Reluctantly, she agreed.
For two whole years, I spend my days alone with no friends at all. I felt like I can't trust anyone and I don't want to trust anyone. To me, they came to me only when they need my help and left when it's done. I don't like that feeling. My only activities in school was badminton and NPCC which doesn't help much to open up my life.
It's only when I started my Sec 3 life that I slowly open up. I failed my sec 2 end year examination and was demoted to Normal stream which was a big blow to me. Maths to me was like an alien subject which I could never pass. During the beginning of Sec 3, my maths teacher was mean enough to pass remarks like "some people think they are in Express stream before but they can't even do well in their maths". Although no names mentioned but I knew she's referring to me as I'm the only one that is banished from Express stream to Normal stream. The demotion was already a hit to me and her remarks kicks out my pride. I swear to prove her wrong and I did. For the first half of the year, I buy almost all the ten years series maths books and practice again and again and my efforts were rewarded when I get my first distinction for the mid year exam. From a F9 to a distinction, it was my proudest moment and that shut my maths teacher up.
I started to have a few friends which we form a study group on our own. Each of us has our own strength in subjects. I'm good in Maths and the rest, Science and others. I stayed within this group and never wandered out. Other than studies time, I never really did go out with them. Most of the time I still keep to myself.
I wouldn't say I'm on depression those few years. Maybe I was but for sure I never really seek professional help cause I kept the from my family. In their eyes, I'm still the active child who stays clear of trouble and does not rebel but what they don't know is for all the things I've gone through, I never did tell them. What they saw was what I want them to see and not the real me.
During my last year in Secondary School, I was suffering from extensive gastric pain which landed me in hospital many times and skip school for couple of weeks. That prove fatel to my studies as it's badly affected and exterior pressure from my vice principle who threatens to expel me out of the school if I fail my mid year exam. Afterall the visits to the hospital, the only diagnosis that the doc gave was that I'm under extreme pressure which indirectly trigger the gastric pain. The warning from the vice principle never help much but thanks to a few kind teachers who volunteer to persuade the principle to let me stay.
I started my working life straight after O Levels as a sales person and that becomes another turning point in my life. Forced to talk, I slowly learn to communicate with people through all the strangers who walks in and out of the shop. My confidence level risen then and I start to know more people. But my depression doesn't stop there.
Since graduate till now, I've changed 5 jobs. In sales line, I worked hard to become acting supervisor and when my supervisor resign, I thought I'll be promoted to store supervisor but it came as a shock when the management promote another colleague instead on the account that he worked there longer than me although they admit I'm more capable than him. I resign. Things goes the same for the next job and the next job, and the next job...
I'm starting to feel that my world is tumbling down. No, my sky was never that high before. No matter what I do, I seemed to fail. Everytime I convince myself to stand up again, I'll fall badly again and each time worse than before.
Work life suc[k]s and my love life and friendship isn't any better. Betrayals were all the things I've faced. My heart, being stabbed again and again without mercy. Many times I almost surrender to death. I just want to end it all and end my sufferings and all the pain I'm going through. To me, this is an ugly world filled with masks and schemings.
But I'm a happy person now. Dont' ask me how I do it cause I'm still trying to be happy. I want to be happy. Recieve with open arms for all to come into my life, those who makes my life happy stays and those who give me hell, out they go. I realised one thing. What you want from others, give it to them first. I learn to trust people, love them and give as much help as I can. For those who appreciate will love me back. I don't demand that they must help me but I won't expect them to betray me in the end. For those who choose to betray me or use me, all I can say to them are that they don't deserve my friendship. For those who are nice to me and sees me as a friend, they'll recieve 100x more from me for what they have given me.
Lastly, sorry for the extremely long post and thanks for reading whoever made the effort to read till this line. -
hi zombiefied,
if you are w IMH, why not ask for help there then? see what your psychiatrist got to say then act from there on? -
Mousey,
After reading your post, I'm glad to say that despite the setbacks life has dealt you, you've remained strong & resilient throughout, & that is admirable. Instead of whining about your situation, you chose to reach out & help others. That is admirable.
I've met my fair share of setbacks as well in the past, but looking back, I'm glad I experienced them, as I've devised ways to cope on my own. Having great friends & a supportive family helps alot too.
Naturally, I wouldn't want to experience those again
What's most important is Not to lose your strength AND dignity. If a person zi gan duo luo, then it's that person's choice ultimately. Nobody is able to get him/her outta a rut unless he/she chooses to.
I'm glad AA has a forumite like you
May the New Year bring brighter days to you.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by laosu:Hi to both.
First of all let me give a brief introduction of myself.
I'm 28 this year, no job, no money, only a great gf who believe in me and I'm still a happy person.
18 years back when I'm 10, there's a lot of questions inside my mind which till now I still can't find the answers to it. My life in Primary school wasn't that bad until when I'm in Sec 1 where the problem starts to surface.
When I got my PSLE result that time, I was given choice whether to choose between express stream or normal stream and pride got me and I end up choosing express stream.
When school started, for the first half year, I've got problems coping with secondary life and most important of all, classmates. The competition was strong and I slowly start to isolate myself from the rest of my classmates. Things got worse when I got into Sec 2. I couldn't get along with my classmates, to me, they are people who look for me when they needed my help and shun me when I'm no longer in use. That was when I completely shut myself out from everyone. I don't talk to anyone, don't eat with anyone. Everyone goes out together for movies and lunches and I'll roam the school canteen alone during recess time and eat alone, goes to movie alone and does everything alone.
I still remember one incident that shocked my form teacher. The class was given a project and everyone was to form groups to do the project. During class break, I approach the teacher and request to do the project alone. She was shocked by my request and tried to consult me but my mind was made up then. I told her it's either she give me permission to do the project alone or she can give me a zero straight on the spot. Reluctantly, she agreed.
For two whole years, I spend my days alone with no friends at all. I felt like I can't trust anyone and I don't want to trust anyone. To me, they came to me only when they need my help and left when it's done. I don't like that feeling. My only activities in school was badminton and NPCC which doesn't help much to open up my life.
It's only when I started my Sec 3 life that I slowly open up. I failed my sec 2 end year examination and was demoted to Normal stream which was a big blow to me. Maths to me was like an alien subject which I could never pass. During the beginning of Sec 3, my maths teacher was mean enough to pass remarks like "some people think they are in Express stream before but they can't even do well in their maths". Although no names mentioned but I knew she's referring to me as I'm the only one that is banished from Express stream to Normal stream. The demotion was already a hit to me and her remarks kicks out my pride. I swear to prove her wrong and I did. For the first half of the year, I buy almost all the ten years series maths books and practice again and again and my efforts were rewarded when I get my first distinction for the mid year exam. From a F9 to a distinction, it was my proudest moment and that shut my maths teacher up.
I started to have a few friends which we form a study group on our own. Each of us has our own strength in subjects. I'm good in Maths and the rest, Science and others. I stayed within this group and never wandered out. Other than studies time, I never really did go out with them. Most of the time I still keep to myself.
I wouldn't say I'm on depression those few years. Maybe I was but for sure I never really seek professional help cause I kept the from my family. In their eyes, I'm still the active child who stays clear of trouble and does not rebel but what they don't know is for all the things I've gone through, I never did tell them. What they saw was what I want them to see and not the real me.
During my last year in Secondary School, I was suffering from extensive gastric pain which landed me in hospital many times and skip school for couple of weeks. That prove fatel to my studies as it's badly affected and exterior pressure from my vice principle who threatens to expel me out of the school if I fail my mid year exam. Afterall the visits to the hospital, the only diagnosis that the doc gave was that I'm under extreme pressure which indirectly trigger the gastric pain. The warning from the vice principle never help much but thanks to a few kind teachers who volunteer to persuade the principle to let me stay.
I started my working life straight after O Levels as a sales person and that becomes another turning point in my life. Forced to talk, I slowly learn to communicate with people through all the strangers who walks in and out of the shop. My confidence level risen then and I start to know more people. But my depression doesn't stop there.
Since graduate till now, I've changed 5 jobs. In sales line, I worked hard to become acting supervisor and when my supervisor resign, I thought I'll be promoted to store supervisor but it came as a shock when the management promote another colleague instead on the account that he worked there longer than me although they admit I'm more capable than him. I resign. Things goes the same for the next job and the next job, and the next job...
I'm starting to feel that my world is tumbling down. No, my sky was never that high before. No matter what I do, I seemed to fail. Everytime I convince myself to stand up again, I'll fall badly again and each time worse than before.
Work life suc[k]s and my love life and friendship isn't any better. Betrayals were all the things I've faced. My heart, being stabbed again and again without mercy. Many times I almost surrender to death. I just want to end it all and end my sufferings and all the pain I'm going through. To me, this is an ugly world filled with masks and schemings.
But I'm a happy person now. Dont' ask me how I do it cause I'm still trying to be happy. I want to be happy. Recieve with open arms for all to come into my life, those who makes my life happy stays and those who give me hell, out they go. I realised one thing. What you want from others, give it to them first. I learn to trust people, love them and give as much help as I can. For those who appreciate will love me back. I don't demand that they must help me but I won't expect them to betray me in the end. For those who choose to betray me or use me, all I can say to them are that they don't deserve my friendship. For those who are nice to me and sees me as a friend, they'll recieve 100x more from me for what they have given me.
Lastly, sorry for the extremely long post and thanks for reading whoever made the effort to read till this line. -
Have you tried doing art or music?? People who suffer from such syndromes tend to be more creative than other people.Originally posted by zombiefied:I am a sufferer of depression(as well as some sort of a hybrid personality disorder with narcissism and paranoia) as told by doctors frm IMH and other specialists I've seen over these years. I have a hell lot of problems caused by depression. But right now I just want to talk about this issue of me losing empathy.
I can't connect with other people anymore even if I do make an effort to socialize and learn. And of course, I can and have never be in a successful romantic relationship before. I can't understand people, and I tend to have conflicts with people. I get frustrated with people. And it caused me to keep away from people. But the more I keep away from people, the less I am able to understand and connect. Its a vicious cycle if you understand what's happening.
I am currently trying my best to keep a positive attitude and I'm treating the depression itself, as well as trying to get my empathy back and stop being a zombie anymore. I have thought of getting/borrowing books on romantic relationships(human psychology, conflicts, understanding emotional needs) but I'm not too sure. Any recommendations? Also, if you pple have an idea of how I can help myself, please do share with me and help me fight it. Thanks a hell lot. -
FF, Don't put me too high up. It's more like I've no choice. Attempted suicides before and obviously failed. I gave up. I knew I can die if I really wanted to but something else was holding me back. Despite the constant quarrel with my mum and lack of understanding from her, I must still admit that I love her very much.Originally posted by FeowFeow:Mousey,
After reading your post, I'm glad to say that despite the setbacks life has dealt you, you've remained strong & resilient throughout, & that is admirable. Instead of whining about your situation, you chose to reach out & help others. That is admirable.
I've met my fair share of setbacks as well in the past, but looking back, I'm glad I experienced them, as I've devised ways to cope on my own. Having great friends & a supportive family helps alot too.
Naturally, I wouldn't want to experience those again
What's most important is Not to lose your strength AND dignity. If a person zi gan duo luo, then it's that person's choice ultimately. Nobody is able to get him/her outta a rut unless he/she chooses to.
I'm glad AA has a forumite like you May the New Year bring brighter days to you.
FeowFeow
I wanted an easy way out to stop all my pain but the reluctant desire to be kept alive is too strong. I can't leave yet. There's something else I need to accomplish before I can leave.
Life now is already bad enough and I don't want to make it worse. If I have no choice but to stay alive then I would want to be as happy as I could. For years I've been trying to find ways to make my life more happy. I went drinking, dancing, enjoy my night out with friends but it never really make me that happy. It was until I start lending my ears to others problems and by helping them, it enlighten my life much and I learn from their mistake. I'm not a saint and I still err but I try to learn and practice as much as possible.
I still suffer setbacks now but am still trying hard to cope. I still fall and sometimes it takes me a bit more time to stand up again but I knew when I fall, I fell deep into darkness and sometimes almost couldn't pull myself up again. Darkness, such a familiar place to be in. Darkness is a place where you can't see anything, hear anything, feel anything. Emptiness filled the place. -
laosu: I admire your determination. Thx for sharing.
alfagal: I had seen the psychiatrist there...but its hard to explain why it doesnt work. But I would like to hear from different people out there in this forum as well.
shade343: I am an artist anyway. And I used to be a heavy metal guitarist. I find that I can connect with the music better than connecting with people. I stopped being a musician because I've lost interest in almost everything in life. The kind of art and music I play around with, is not necessary beneficial actually. They are always related to the dark side of life.
Thx to all... -
Zombiefied, starting finding new meanings to life if you think you lost the meaning to it. It's been years and I'm still searching for mine but that has become my reason to live on.Originally posted by zombiefied:laosu: I admire your determination. Thx for sharing.
alfagal: I had seen the psychiatrist there...but its hard to explain why it doesnt work. But I would like to hear from different people out there in this forum as well.
shade343: I am an artist anyway. And I used to be a heavy metal guitarist. I find that I can connect with the music better than connecting with people. I stopped being a musician because I've lost interest in almost everything in life. The kind of art and music I play around with, is not necessary beneficial actually. They are always related to the dark side of life.
Thx to all...
Someone did suggest me to go see a shrink too but I find it pointless. I still have my senses and if I can't deal with it, no one else can. I'm too deep into my own world and I know only I alone can convince myself to get out of this dump.
Actually I did consult a shrink once but end up challenging the shrink until he's speechless. I never go back again. -
Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place,
Like some how you just don't belong,
And no one understands you?
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud,
That no one hears you screaming?
No, you don't know what it's like,
When nothing feels alright,
You don't know what it's like,
To be like me!
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,
Welcome to my life
Do you want to be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more,
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies,
While deep inside you're bleeding?
No, you don't know what it's like,
When nothing feels alright,
You don't know what it's like,
To be like me!
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face!
And no one ever stabbed you in the back!
You might think I'm happy,
But I'm not gonna be okay!
Everybody always gave you what you wanted!
You never had to work, it was always there!
You don't know what it's like (what it's like)Â…
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
When no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,( what it's like)...
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
When no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life!
Welcome to my life!
really thank simple plan for this song which saw me through this year. lyrics that really touch me deeply. -
Hello people..
yeah, these mental illness just sucks, no doubt about it..
I have done many research on such topics, and I have also a few close friends who happen to suffer from this.
I am intrigued on how the mind and body works, and over the course, I have seen people that suffer or have not fully recovered have these sad faces, no, its not some degrading words from me whatsoever, but its just an observation, and it is usually true.
I have people talking to me about their sadness in lives, about their phobias and how depression and this interrelates..
if you guys have any problems about this and whatnots, you can just PM me, and ill add you to my msn list, and from there we can talk.
I emphatise with you guys, really.. -
i may have some problems similar to share...i'm not sure if it will help or not...its a bit long...anyway here goes nothing...
since young...had a bad family background...
age 5 - my dad committed sucide..at that point of time, i not sure what happened...as i grow up...lots of neighbours keep gossiping bout my mother and our family as my mother single handed bought us up
age 7 - committed a crime of stealing bicycle luckily no records were made in my book due to my age; why i sold a bike you may ask, family too poor, cant even afford one...
still an extrovert - having lots of friends - like a healthy child on the surface..
got into primary sch..got to know friends...although in school i am active...but once i got home...bad things are bound to happen...arguements....punishments from my mom...kneeling down, throwing away my things...even my elder sister at that time does that to me behind my mother's back...i didn't know what to know...i was scared...dunno why to seek help
age 10...though i am older that time...my circle of friends dropped drastically..due to more physical punishments from both my mother and my sister + more gossips about my bad family background + my mother keep spreading the 'so call cause of my dad's death around the neighbourhood' which cause the circulation of gossips...
this part of time-got to avoid female frenz...less chatty...more introvert
age 12 - change of primary sch due to sch closure for high expense low income
totally don't talk to anyone...only ppl talk to me
totally changed to introvert...everything keep to myself
age 13- got into new sch (secondary) where i met a male fren i've known in CDAC (chinese development association council) for tution thingy; got to hang with this fren till sec 3 (first yr)
age 13-15; totally didnt talk to gals due to my introvert and hatrate thanks to my mother's and my elder sister's physical abuse; canning + kneeling + kicking me out of the home & kneeling + pulling my ears + throwing my things respectively...
age 15 - failed my secondary 3 exams...
age 16 - retain in sec 3 thanks to bad move of playing neopets and bad teacher except with dnt...all straight F9s except for D&T B3 without any studying...got chicken pox...still didnt talk to my new classmates...after i got back form the 2 weeks mc, they started to talk to me...then i at least open a bit by talking to them...but still it took me 3 months to remember their names...6months to start talking to the gals in the class...
1st month in sec 3 retain...i showed lots of attitude problems and talking back to teachers (no big deal for u all but for me is a very big deal - the image i always potray in sch is a good student who always hands in work on time and is well mannered + polite + respect teachers at all times...i refuse to accept the fact i retain...seek ways to get back to sec 4 by pleading to retake exam - request decline thus started to talk back to teachers...scold them...dun even scared of discipline master...that is when the teachers hold me meeting on my case...got to the pricipal office after they have discussion on me...
in the office...i said if i if i cannot take re-examination then i go ite...the pricipal was kinda shock to hear from a express student retain...instead she offered me to drop to normal...and explain..i said no...but the problem still exsist in my heart...i don't tell ppl since the age of 7....even when i like a gal or whatever shit...
things only change when my first yr sec 3 teacher talk a bit to me and the form teacher of my 2nd yr teacher showed lots of care despite my drop in interest in the subjects...still failing at that time...
have thoughts of commiting sucide...but thanks to my split personality (no one knows that i have it) i didnt commit sucide...reason...though dirty minded but least it help me by not letting my stupidity send me to hell...reason why i didnt commit sucide...1-i haven have se* with gal yet...2-i haven succeed yet for i wanna throw back what my relatives threw at my family...look at us like we are beggers...push here and there when they disuccsing who to let us sit in their cars (my dad's side) as though we are worse then dogs...push here and there...that's why i didnt commit sucide and persist on...
my split personality started at
age 7 - slient type
- revenge type
age 10 -slient type
-pervert type (thanks to introduction to porn from my elder brother)
age 12-13 - pervert thinkings...even got lots of plans on doing this and that
but i didnt do it la..just pure thoughts...
age 14 - pure revenge
- cruelty - again inside with plans...no actions taken due to introvert
thingy...
i have nv told anyone bout my things...and i dunno why i am here posting for the mass to read?? oh god i have no idea what is going on with my thoughts...
age 17+ - introduced to network marketing...got to learn lots of things..and of course being brainwash by the company naturally...luckily i did the rite thing by exploring around and stop myself from being too active in the company...
now age 18..after taking into consideration of the things i learnt in the network marketing company...though they are helpful..but different ppl learnt differently...but lots of ppl after the course = totally brainwashed by them...which is success can only be in that company or if they cant succeed in the company given the system to follow...how on earth are they going to succeed in real ife...so thus there are super lots of gossips...and lawrence82 happens to be one frequent person in that bulletin board in network marketing post...i don't need to say it out then...haha
now the personality that i have now are 3 types...
1 - quiet type (introvert)
2 - daring online (as in when it comes to gals...asking for things...if meet up den proceed on to fast physical... (not healthy...but can't help it...)
3 - honest for i want to help- thanks to the company...that made me lose my 'friends or shld i say classmates...i now no matter using what personality when i am which watever type of ppl, i just tell straight to the face...heck care the results....which cause me to lose my long term perm part time job as a waiter..which foil my plans in getting myself a change in image...but though its not too good to be so honest and direct..but i still will stick to it...
i don't care what you guys think bout me after reading this...but i think i know why i post this..which is to share that if you have mutiple personalities...if you know when and where to use them...but if possible...try to get rid of those harmful personalities if you can..i have done it...so can you...if you need help....can always send me a private mail...at [email protected] be sure to inculde ur name and your problems...
cheers to throwing away the unhealthy personalities and depression related things..and i am here to help...nothing else.. -
Dear zombiefield, laosu & weijan, it was heartening to read an autobiography acct of ur life
At least I know IÂ’m not alone in feeling the way I doÂ…
Over the past few yrs, IÂ’ve also dev a peculiar habit--- I wld change my hp number at the end of each yr; itÂ’s not meant 2 avoid anyoneÂ… in fact thereÂ’s no one in life which I nd 2 avoid cos most of my frens seldom ever contact me
ItÂ’s perhaps a ritual for me to start afresh & put behind all my unhappiness.. IÂ’m constantly troubled by the fact that none of my frens ever contact meÂ… do they hate me, forgotten abt me or am I simply insignificant? Looking at my ever quiet hp, itÂ’s like a invisible burden to meÂ… by changing my number, it symbolize me choosing to forsake them, choosing to erase them from my lifeÂ…
Last week, however, a small bizarre incident occurredÂ… I accidentally drop my hp & lost ALL the contacts in my in list. So from now till xmas & new yr, even if I want to, I canÂ’t contact any of my frens. The only way is to wait for the ppl in my life to contactÂ… and as expected (sadly) none of my old frens/classmates/ex-gf ever contact meÂ….
In particular IÂ’m waiting for 2 close frens & a gal which I like to contact meÂ… but chances are slim; IÂ’ve spoken to them abt how I feel towards them not contacting me. Apparently, they do not dislike me (we meet everytime I ask them out) nor find that IÂ’ve any big personality probÂ… but my life still inevitably returns to emptiness soon after cos none of them ever initiate any contact with me
Sometimes I wonder… would any of these frens (ppl I considered ‘close’ frens) know I if I died one day… the 2 close frens which I mentioned, we cld talk for hours when we meet & they say I’m their close fren… but they hardly even sms me for yrs if I do not do so... -
Books might help on the long run, but what you really need are HUMAN CONTACTS now...Originally posted by zombiefied:I am a sufferer of depression(as well as some sort of a hybrid personality disorder with narcissism and paranoia) as told by doctors frm IMH and other specialists I've seen over these years. I have a hell lot of problems caused by depression. But right now I just want to talk about this issue of me losing empathy.
I can't connect with other people anymore even if I do make an effort to socialize and learn. And of course, I can and have never be in a successful romantic relationship before. I can't understand people, and I tend to have conflicts with people. I get frustrated with people. And it caused me to keep away from people. But the more I keep away from people, the less I am able to understand and connect. Its a vicious cycle if you understand what's happening.
I am currently trying my best to keep a positive attitude and I'm treating the depression itself, as well as trying to get my empathy back and stop being a zombie anymore. I have thought of getting/borrowing books on romantic relationships(human psychology, conflicts, understanding emotional needs) but I'm not too sure. Any recommendations? Also, if you pple have an idea of how I can help myself, please do share with me and help me fight it. Thanks a hell lot.
Start with a lower number of people... Friends... Acquaintance... Whatever... But understand that as you get to know them better, humans are no perfect creatures... Learn to tolerate and bear with them as they would with you...
And if you are to find it easier... Start with young kids if you like as they can be more 'direct'...? -
I kinda know what you mean since I have body odour... And bad breath. I'm afriad to go too close to people, or talk to them, because... well, you know. I don't really know how to advice, but I find comfort in the internet. And...soemthing I read. People who own pets tend to suffer less from depression, so if you have the means, adopt one. Children are less tend to betray people and are more innocent.
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Ah hah! Knew it.Originally posted by zombiefied:laosu: I admire your determination. Thx for sharing.
alfagal: I had seen the psychiatrist there...but its hard to explain why it doesnt work. But I would like to hear from different people out there in this forum as well.
shade343: I am an artist anyway. And I used to be a heavy metal guitarist. I find that I can connect with the music better than connecting with people. I stopped being a musician because I've lost interest in almost everything in life. The kind of art and music I play around with, is not necessary beneficial actually. They are always related to the dark side of life.
Thx to all...
Sorry lah. But i find that most people who have problems like yours tend to play in some heavy/death metal band.
Why did you quit? For me playing in a heavy band is the ultimate stress relief. Maybe you can go for gigs or something, great way to meet like-minded people what. And the kind of music you play, yes it IS related to the dark side of life, but it shows you are able to stand up and face the unknown, face your fears (or at least talk about it through your music) yeah? MANY people out there in metal bands say their music is "a way to exorcise their inner demons" sounds cliched lah, but i have to agree, though not to the extent of exorcism lah. Maybe just temporary release. -
i used to be a loner also..after i got my first hp, hardly anyone contact me except my poly classmates who will sms me well-wishers or greetings everynow & then. i always wait for ppl to contact me but have u all realise...it is always the waiting game where u wait for ur frens to contact u. maybe its time u do something first rather than wait for someone to do it. (i noe some of u may say u do initiate contact but this really takes 2 hands to clap).
so now i will send those crappy or jokes smses to my frens if i do get any...dun always just receive, read then chuck in ur inbox. forward them...let ur frens noe u still wanna keep contact with them. i am now an organiser of gatherings among my frens...i ask them out instead of waiting for them to ask me out & they really do come out. it really takes some effort to maintain a frenship but i find it is worth it. -
drink dettol; it'll make u' feel better
Originally posted by zombiefied:I am a sufferer of depression(as well as some sort of a hybrid personality disorder with narcissism and paranoia) as told by doctors frm IMH and other specialists I've seen over these years. I have a hell lot of problems caused by depression. But right now I just want to talk about this issue of me losing empathy.
I can't connect with other people anymore even if I do make an effort to socialize and learn. And of course, I can and have never be in a successful romantic relationship before. I can't understand people, and I tend to have conflicts with people. I get frustrated with people. And it caused me to keep away from people. But the more I keep away from people, the less I am able to understand and connect. Its a vicious cycle if you understand what's happening.
I am currently trying my best to keep a positive attitude and I'm treating the depression itself, as well as trying to get my empathy back and stop being a zombie anymore. I have thought of getting/borrowing books on romantic relationships(human psychology, conflicts, understanding emotional needs) but I'm not too sure. Any recommendations? Also, if you pple have an idea of how I can help myself, please do share with me and help me fight it. Thanks a hell lot. -
so many losers here -
woah.
now i know the meaning of the word 'loser'
thanks ya.Originally posted by laosu:Hi to both.
First of all let me give a brief introduction of myself.
I'm 28 this year, no job, no money, only a great gf who believe in me and I'm still a happy person.
18 years back when I'm 10, there's a lot of questions inside my mind which till now I still can't find the answers to it. My life in Primary school wasn't that bad until when I'm in Sec 1 where the problem starts to surface.
When I got my PSLE result that time, I was given choice whether to choose between express stream or normal stream and pride got me and I end up choosing express stream.
When school started, for the first half year, I've got problems coping with secondary life and most important of all, classmates. The competition was strong and I slowly start to isolate myself from the rest of my classmates. Things got worse when I got into Sec 2. I couldn't get along with my classmates, to me, they are people who look for me when they needed my help and shun me when I'm no longer in use. That was when I completely shut myself out from everyone. I don't talk to anyone, don't eat with anyone. Everyone goes out together for movies and lunches and I'll roam the school canteen alone during recess time and eat alone, goes to movie alone and does everything alone.
I still remember one incident that shocked my form teacher. The class was given a project and everyone was to form groups to do the project. During class break, I approach the teacher and request to do the project alone. She was shocked by my request and tried to consult me but my mind was made up then. I told her it's either she give me permission to do the project alone or she can give me a zero straight on the spot. Reluctantly, she agreed.
For two whole years, I spend my days alone with no friends at all. I felt like I can't trust anyone and I don't want to trust anyone. To me, they came to me only when they need my help and left when it's done. I don't like that feeling. My only activities in school was badminton and NPCC which doesn't help much to open up my life.
It's only when I started my Sec 3 life that I slowly open up. I failed my sec 2 end year examination and was demoted to Normal stream which was a big blow to me. Maths to me was like an alien subject which I could never pass. During the beginning of Sec 3, my maths teacher was mean enough to pass remarks like "some people think they are in Express stream before but they can't even do well in their maths". Although no names mentioned but I knew she's referring to me as I'm the only one that is banished from Express stream to Normal stream. The demotion was already a hit to me and her remarks kicks out my pride. I swear to prove her wrong and I did. For the first half of the year, I buy almost all the ten years series maths books and practice again and again and my efforts were rewarded when I get my first distinction for the mid year exam. From a F9 to a distinction, it was my proudest moment and that shut my maths teacher up.
I started to have a few friends which we form a study group on our own. Each of us has our own strength in subjects. I'm good in Maths and the rest, Science and others. I stayed within this group and never wandered out. Other than studies time, I never really did go out with them. Most of the time I still keep to myself.
I wouldn't say I'm on depression those few years. Maybe I was but for sure I never really seek professional help cause I kept the from my family. In their eyes, I'm still the active child who stays clear of trouble and does not rebel but what they don't know is for all the things I've gone through, I never did tell them. What they saw was what I want them to see and not the real me.
During my last year in Secondary School, I was suffering from extensive gastric pain which landed me in hospital many times and skip school for couple of weeks. That prove fatel to my studies as it's badly affected and exterior pressure from my vice principle who threatens to expel me out of the school if I fail my mid year exam. Afterall the visits to the hospital, the only diagnosis that the doc gave was that I'm under extreme pressure which indirectly trigger the gastric pain. The warning from the vice principle never help much but thanks to a few kind teachers who volunteer to persuade the principle to let me stay.
I started my working life straight after O Levels as a sales person and that becomes another turning point in my life. Forced to talk, I slowly learn to communicate with people through all the strangers who walks in and out of the shop. My confidence level risen then and I start to know more people. But my depression doesn't stop there.
Since graduate till now, I've changed 5 jobs. In sales line, I worked hard to become acting supervisor and when my supervisor resign, I thought I'll be promoted to store supervisor but it came as a shock when the management promote another colleague instead on the account that he worked there longer than me although they admit I'm more capable than him. I resign. Things goes the same for the next job and the next job, and the next job...
I'm starting to feel that my world is tumbling down. No, my sky was never that high before. No matter what I do, I seemed to fail. Everytime I convince myself to stand up again, I'll fall badly again and each time worse than before.
Work life suc[k]s and my love life and friendship isn't any better. Betrayals were all the things I've faced. My heart, being stabbed again and again without mercy. Many times I almost surrender to death. I just want to end it all and end my sufferings and all the pain I'm going through. To me, this is an ugly world filled with masks and schemings.
But I'm a happy person now. Dont' ask me how I do it cause I'm still trying to be happy. I want to be happy. Recieve with open arms for all to come into my life, those who makes my life happy stays and those who give me hell, out they go. I realised one thing. What you want from others, give it to them first. I learn to trust people, love them and give as much help as I can. For those who appreciate will love me back. I don't demand that they must help me but I won't expect them to betray me in the end. For those who choose to betray me or use me, all I can say to them are that they don't deserve my friendship. For those who are nice to me and sees me as a friend, they'll recieve 100x more from me for what they have given me.
Lastly, sorry for the extremely long post and thanks for reading whoever made the effort to read till this line. -
as thou u r some winner.Originally posted by Angelo09:
so many losers here
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hey laosu, after reading your post, i was sad but puzzled at the same time. Why do people have to face those unfortunate events in their life? I had my share of problems in secondary school, but most turn out to have positive effects on myself.
Why did you choose to isolate yourself from your peers during your secondary school days? Your secondary school experience would have been much more memorable with them, provided that you have handled your friendship well.
In areas of your studies, you have shown that you are capable of doing well in your studies. But why didn't you put enough efforts into your studies before you were demoted to the normal stream?
I do not have the intention to make you feel bad or anything, im writing this because i feel that its really a pity that your life have turned this way. I felt that things could have turned out much better if you had done certain things back then. -
the real winners wont have time for this forum.Originally posted by huiz:as thou u r some winner.
they are out enjoying life. -
We are not losers. We are survivors. Mind your words cause one who accuse are the real losers.Originally posted by Angelo09:woah.
now i know the meaning of the word 'loser'
thanks ya.