To let go or not?
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I have been with guy coming a year. He used to by my ex 4 years ago. We had not been contacting each other for almost 3 years until last year I heard that he was married.
We were both chatting late into the night one day while we are drinking on our ends. He told me he has not gotten over me after so long. I expected it as he was very much deeply in love with me 4 years back. Then I questioned his marriage. He finally admitted that it was out of responsibility not simply because of settling down early (an excuse he gave me earlier on). To my horror, he told me his wife's adultery. Something which he had been keeping from everybody and not even sharing with his closest buddy. He forgiven his wife. He wanted to salvage the marriage. Well, I never agree with his actions totally. His wife claimed that he did not have time to accompany her. However this young man here is always working late into the night to earn more money and trying to provide her with a better future. Seriously I think that his wife is brainless. Btw, his wife is 2 years older than him.
From the day I was aware of his wife's adultery, I told him he should not have forgiven his wife and it was really pointless to carry on this marriage. He would definitely regret should there be a day he thinks into the past or his wife committed the same mistake for the second time. I do not know if my reaction was right or not. My best friend told me I should not be the one to tell him that else he may think that I wish to be with him. Is she right or am I wrong? I just got so heated up at that point of time to know that his wife is "bullying" him this way. She does not deserve him at all.
One evening, while he was on his way home from work, he called me. He told me how stupid he was. He should not have forgiven her. He should have asked her to go. Finally I agreed with him. He decided to divorce her. We got together a month later after his decision to divorce her. We were very loving at the beginning. However, things happened between us.
I became intolerant over his past. I doubted his love for me since he could marry another woman easily when he had not forgotten me 4 years ago. He told me it was out of responsibility. Something which I am aware all the while. I really don't understand how he could have moved on in life with another woman so easily. Is it only through the strength of another woman or diverting his love for me onto another woman, then he would be able to move on in life or getting over me totally? Can't he just do it by his own effort? If I had not reappeared into his life, would he divorce his wife? How much does it show when he forgives his wife and asked her back when she committed that grave mistake? Can I entrust myself onto this guy who is so soft hearted in a relationship? What if his wife were to come back one day? I am getting so lost in this relationship. I am totally faithless.
Should I leave him in search of my own happiness? If there is a day when we are ready for marriage, how much will I mind? Will I run away from the big day? He is really nice towards me but his past keeps haunting me. I don't know how to let go his past and to walk happily the path ahead of us with him. There's bounce to be something unpleasant between us every day over his past.
Till now I don't understand the logic of thinking of a man especially my guy here. What is going through his mind from the moment he accepted his wife as his gf when we broke up. Btw, they were together barely 3 months after we broke up. Is it really true that man can't do without a woman? He doesn't think that being with her after we broke up is wrong. Only the marriage is a mistake. However, does not he realize that by accepting another woman into his life after we broke up reflected a lot of things?
Guys out there. Please analyze the whole thing for me. To let go or not? -
well, do you love him back? has he ever done anything wrong towards you? has he always taken care of you an stayed loyal during your previous relationship 3 years ago?
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why did both of you break up in the first place?Originally posted by sun baby:I have been with guy coming a year. He used to by my ex 4 years ago. We had not been contacting each other for almost 3 years until last year I heard that he was married.
We were both chatting late into the night one day while we are drinking on our ends. He told me he has not gotten over me after so long. I expected it as he was very much deeply in love with me 4 years back. Then I questioned his marriage. He finally admitted that it was out of responsibility not simply because of settling down early (an excuse he gave me earlier on). To my horror, he told me his wife's adultery. Something which he had been keeping from everybody and not even sharing with his closest buddy. He forgiven his wife. He wanted to salvage the marriage. Well, I never agree with his actions totally. His wife claimed that he did not have time to accompany her. However this young man here is always working late into the night to earn more money and trying to provide her with a better future. Seriously I think that his wife is brainless. Btw, his wife is 2 years older than him.
From the day I was aware of his wife's adultery, I told him he should not have forgiven his wife and it was really pointless to carry on this marriage. He would definitely regret should there be a day he thinks into the past or his wife committed the same mistake for the second time. I do not know if my reaction was right or not. My best friend told me I should not be the one to tell him that else he may think that I wish to be with him. Is she right or am I wrong? I just got so heated up at that point of time to know that his wife is "bullying" him this way. She does not deserve him at all.
One evening, while he was on his way home from work, he called me. He told me how stupid he was. He should not have forgiven her. He should have asked her to go. Finally I agreed with him. He decided to divorce her. We got together a month later after his decision to divorce her. We were very loving at the beginning. However, things happened between us.
I became intolerant over his past. I doubted his love for me since he could marry another woman easily when he had not forgotten me 4 years ago. He told me it was out of responsibility. Something which I am aware all the while. I really don't understand how he could have moved on in life with another woman so easily. Is it only through the strength of another woman or diverting his love for me onto another woman, then he would be able to move on in life or getting over me totally? Can't he just do it by his own effort? If I had not reappeared into his life, would he divorce his wife? How much does it show when he forgives his wife and asked her back when she committed that grave mistake? Can I entrust myself onto this guy who is so soft hearted in a relationship? What if his wife were to come back one day? I am getting so lost in this relationship. I am totally faithless.
Should I leave him in search of my own happiness? If there is a day when we are ready for marriage, how much will I mind? Will I run away from the big day? He is really nice towards me but his past keeps haunting me. I don't know how to let go his past and to walk happily the path ahead of us with him. There's bounce to be something unpleasant between us every day over his past.
Till now I don't understand the logic of thinking of a man especially my guy here. What is going through his mind from the moment he accepted his wife as his gf when we broke up. Btw, they were together barely 3 months after we broke up. Is it really true that man can't do without a woman? He doesn't think that being with her after we broke up is wrong. Only the marriage is a mistake. However, does not he realize that by accepting another woman into his life after we broke up reflected a lot of things?
Guys out there. Please analyze the whole thing for me. To let go or not? -
The broke up 3 years ago made me realised that he is still the one standing there for me. I do love him but as compared to his love for me, I feel that his is stronger.Originally posted by SEI:well, do you love him back? has he ever done anything wrong towards you? has he always taken care of you an stayed loyal during your previous relationship 3 years ago?
I first met him 6 months after he broke off with his ex. They were still very close then as 'best friend'. We used to have some issues on that. However when we were much steadier into the relationship, he was totally devoted to me. The see a pattern in all his relationship which I am really worried. -
Is it only through the strength of another woman or diverting his love for me onto another woman, then he would be able to move on in life or getting over me totally?
To me, Yes.
Can't he just do it by his own effort?
Easy said. When done, much harder.
If I had not reappeared into his life, would he divorce his wife?
Perhaps.
How much does it show when he forgives his wife and asked her back when she committed that grave mistake?
That he loves her OR he is afraid of being alone.
Can I entrust myself onto this guy who is so soft hearted in a relationship?
He is not soft hearted. See my conclusion for the answer.
What if his wife were to come back one day?
He will still be with you. IMO.
Should I leave him in search of my own happiness?
Why do you want to leave him? Because you are insecure about this relationship?
Do you still even love him?
If there is a day when we are ready for marriage, how much will I mind?
Insecurity.
Will I run away from the big day?
Insecurity.
I am getting so lost in this relationship. I am totally faithless.
Insecurity.
Conclusion:
I think, you seriously lack confidence in this relationship. Ask youself, do you still even love him? I'm curious to know the reason for the breakup between u and him too.
He is not soft hearted. He got together with the girl he likes because he thinks he need to find something to move on in life. Afterall, he did all this thing. Its because the one he loves the most. Is YOU.
Guys out there. Please analyze the whole thing for me. To let go or not?
Sit down and have a chat with him. If he still fails to convince you that there is a future in this. I suggest, to let go. -
1.Originally posted by sun baby:1.
He is really nice towards me but his past keeps haunting me. I don't know how to let go his past and to walk happily the path ahead of us with him. There's bounce to be something unpleasant between us every day over his past.
2.
Is it really true that man can't do without a woman?
If u really cannot forget abt his past, u gonna let go..
Cus thereÂ’s no pt being together if his past keeps bugging u..
2.
Btw, thatÂ’s not ture..
Cus there r always better women out there..
Well, we can only give u advices..
We canÂ’t make the decision for u..
U have to make the final decision urself.. -
What is the status of his divorce proceedings?
If he is serious about terminating his marriage and has taken real action towards it then I think he is capable of commiting to a new relationship (or at least a better chance). If not, you'd better think twice. -
Firsty of all thanks for the effort in this detailed reply.
[quote]Originally posted by Pitot:
[b]
Is it only through the strength of another woman or diverting his love for me onto another woman, then he would be able to move on in life or getting over me totally?
To me, Yes.
Is yes, then how should I entrust myself to such a guy?
Can't he just do it by his own effort?
Easy said. When done, much harder.
So its normal and right for him to do that?
If I had not reappeared into his life, would he divorce his wife?
Perhaps.
Perhaps? As he said he will come to his senses one day? I really hope he is not leaving her bcos of me as I want him to come to his own senses.
How much does it show when he forgives his wife and asked her back when she committed that grave mistake?
That he loves her OR he is afraid of being alone.
Isn't is disappointing to know that your guy is such a person?
Can I entrust myself onto this guy who is so soft hearted in a relationship?
He is not soft hearted. See my conclusion for the answer.
What if his wife were to come back one day?
He will still be with you. IMO.
What made you said that?
Should I leave him in search of my own happiness?
Why do you want to leave him? Because you are insecure about this relationship?
Do you still even love him?
Leave him more of the insercuity rather than not loving him.
If there is a day when we are ready for marriage, how much will I mind?
Insecurity.
Will I run away from the big day?
Insecurity.
I am getting so lost in this relationship. I am totally faithless.
Insecurity.
Conclusion:
I think, you seriously lack confidence in this relationship. Ask youself, do you still even love him? I'm curious to know the reason for the breakup between u and him too.
He is not soft hearted. He got together with the girl he likes because he thinks he need to find something to move on in life. Afterall, he did all this thing. Its because the one he loves the most. Is YOU.
I admit I am seriously lacking confidence. Thats why I am so vex.
We broke up 4 years back because I felt that he is not the one for me. At that point didn't really appreciate him as still young and naive with relationship.
So the more he loves me, the faster he should get on in life with another woman?
Guys out there. Please analyze the whole thing for me. To let go or not?
Sit down and have a chat with him. If he still fails to convince you that there is a future in this. I suggest, to let go.
Already tried talking to him. He could only assure me how much he loves me and all that happened were in the past and we were not together then. I don't know if he is hiding his real explanation or not but I just don't buy his words. -
all i gonna say, do not regret things u do nor do things that will make u regret.
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He had signed a seperation deed with his wife though I heard it is not necessary. From what I understand, he just want to prevent his wife from going back on her words 3 years later.Originally posted by choco B:What is the status of his divorce proceedings?
If he is serious about terminating his marriage and has taken real action towards it then I think he is capable of commiting to a new relationship (or at least a better chance). If not, you'd better think twice. -
I think it's worth to give the relationship some time to see what kind of a partner he turns out to be. Because it seems like your doubts are based on what he did in the past. Would be good to see how he behaves in the present-time.Originally posted by sun baby:He had signed a seperation deed with his wife though I heard it is not necessary. From what I understand, he just want to prevent his wife from going back on her words 3 years later.
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That's why I need to think if its wise to let him goOriginally posted by passion_:all i gonna say, do not regret things u do nor do things that will make u regret. -
I have this foolish thinking of leaving him. Then see how he react after. If the same old him takes place again, then I can conclude confidently that this is him. Is this too much of a test for him?Originally posted by choco B:I think it's worth to give the relationship some time to see what kind of a partner he turns out to be. Because it seems like your doubts are based on what he did in the past. Would be good to see how he behaves in the present-time. -
Like what IÂ’ve said, if his past is really bugging u, u shld let go..
Or else life will be miserable.. -
Life indeed is very miserable especially when his past causing us to be unhappy most of the time.Originally posted by lonestar86:Like what IÂ’ve said, if his past is really bugging u, u shld let go..
Or else life will be miserable.. -
ic..Originally posted by sun baby:Life indeed is very miserable especially when his past causing us to be unhappy most of the time.
Since ur life is indeed very miserable especially when his past keep causing u guys to be unhappy most of the time, my advice for u is to let go..
Cus thereÂ’s no pt being together..
However, thatÂ’s only my opinion.. -
Yah.. Don't worry! I understand. Really appreciate your advise.Originally posted by lonestar86:ic..
Since ur life is indeed very miserable especially when his past keep causing u guys to be unhappy most of the time, my advice for u is to let go..
Cus thereÂ’s no pt being together..
However, thatÂ’s only my opinion..
A lot of time I really wish I can let go easily but sometimes things are not within our control eg. I have to spare a thought for my parents etc. My mum feels that he is the one for me.
At times I feel so devasted and helpless with myself in this relationship. -
Most importantly, do u feel that he is the one for u??Originally posted by sun baby:Yah.. Don't worry! I understand. Really appreciate your advise.
A lot of time I really wish I can let go easily but sometimes things are not within our control eg. I have to spare a thought for my parents etc. My mum feels that he is the one for me.
At times I feel so devasted and helpless with myself in this relationship.
Your mum cannot make the decision for u cus ultimately u r the one who is getting married to him, not ur mum.. -
I got what you mean.. I know the feaky problem.Originally posted by lonestar86:Most importantly, do u feel that he is the one for u??
Your mum cannot make the decision for u cus ultimately u r the one who is getting married to him, not ur mum..
To a certain extent he is. At least he listens to me and let me take charge. How many guys can do that? Not taking him for granted in this area but such a guy is really hard to come by. -
Originally posted by sun baby:To a certain extent he is.
ic..
So u r not 100% sure that he is the one for u..
At least he listens to me and let me take charge. How many guys can do that? Not taking him for granted in this area but such a guy is really hard to come by.
I can do that too (IÂ’m not trying to recommend myself. Dun get me wrong..) -
Well, no one is perfect and no one can gurantee that he will not change in the later stage. I am really skeptical.Originally posted by lonestar86:
To a certain extent he is.
ic..
So u r not 100% sure that he is the one for u..
At least he listens to me and let me take charge. How many guys can do that? Not taking him for granted in this area but such a guy is really hard to come by.
I can do that too (IÂ’m not trying to recommend myself. Dun get me wrong..)
Don't worry! I know you are trying to make me see things. Thanks a lot anyway. -
Originally posted by sun baby:I have been with guy coming a year. He used to by my ex 4 years ago. We had not been contacting each other for almost 3 years until last year I heard that he was married.
We were both chatting late into the night one day while we are drinking on our ends. He told me he has not gotten over me after so long. I expected it as he was very much deeply in love with me 4 years back. Then I questioned his marriage. He finally admitted that it was out of responsibility not simply because of settling down early (an excuse he gave me earlier on). To my horror, he told me his wife's adultery. Something which he had been keeping from everybody and not even sharing with his closest buddy. He forgiven his wife. He wanted to salvage the marriage. Well, I never agree with his actions totally. His wife claimed that he did not have time to accompany her. However this young man here is always working late into the night to earn more money and trying to provide her with a better future. Seriously I think that his wife is brainless. Btw, his wife is 2 years older than him.
From the day I was aware of his wife's adultery, I told him he should not have forgiven his wife and it was really pointless to carry on this marriage. He would definitely regret should there be a day he thinks into the past or his wife committed the same mistake for the second time. I do not know if my reaction was right or not. My best friend told me I should not be the one to tell him that else he may think that I wish to be with him. Is she right or am I wrong? I just got so heated up at that point of time to know that his wife is "bullying" him this way. She does not deserve him at all.
One evening, while he was on his way home from work, he called me. He told me how stupid he was. He should not have forgiven her. He should have asked her to go. Finally I agreed with him. He decided to divorce her. We got together a month later after his decision to divorce her. We were very loving at the beginning. However, things happened between us.
I became intolerant over his past. I doubted his love for me since he could marry another woman easily when he had not forgotten me 4 years ago. He told me it was out of responsibility. Something which I am aware all the while. I really don't understand how he could have moved on in life with another woman so easily. Is it only through the strength of another woman or diverting his love for me onto another woman, then he would be able to move on in life or getting over me totally? Can't he just do it by his own effort? If I had not reappeared into his life, would he divorce his wife? How much does it show when he forgives his wife and asked her back when she committed that grave mistake? Can I entrust myself onto this guy who is so soft hearted in a relationship? What if his wife were to come back one day? I am getting so lost in this relationship. I am totally faithless.
Should I leave him in search of my own happiness? If there is a day when we are ready for marriage, how much will I mind? Will I run away from the big day? He is really nice towards me but his past keeps haunting me. I don't know how to let go his past and to walk happily the path ahead of us with him. There's bounce to be something unpleasant between us every day over his past.
Till now I don't understand the logic of thinking of a man especially my guy here. What is going through his mind from the moment he accepted his wife as his gf when we broke up. Btw, they were together barely 3 months after we broke up. Is it really true that man can't do without a woman? He doesn't think that being with her after we broke up is wrong. Only the marriage is a mistake. However, does not he realize that by accepting another woman into his life after we broke up reflected a lot of things?
Guys out there. Please analyze the whole thing for me. To let go or not?
What sort of mindset have you brandished yourself, when you have restore contacts with him and learned about his marriage?
Lady, you are trending on hazardous ground.
You are not very sure of your doings and actions, which resulted in this deep confusion right now. You may have advised him based on what/how you feel about his ex-wife's attitude, but certainly, you are not exactly the best candidate to make such comments. You will subconsciously influence his decision because he has a terrible soft spot for you. And I don't know that if you know the scale of influence (of your words), you have on him.
It's tremendous.
Your emotions are illusionary - you feel anguish when he ended up with a woman, whom you probably thought he should deserve someone better, but on the other hand, when you are presented with the option of coming back together, somehow, your heart don't really want to take him in, thus the bone picking about his past.
If love has saturated your soul, you would have look beyond his past the moment you accepted this relationship. After all, you have all the first-hand, accurate information and knowledge about his past isn't it? So when you have accepted him, you would have accepted whatever that has happen. Then why are you 'minding' it only after one month later?
The truth is that you might have already moved on these three years without him. His appearance may have conjure flashback in your memories and stir your emotions, but it may be fleeting and insubstantial. Definitely not concrete enough to build another round of relationship with him.
If your man doesn't have the wisdom to make choices for his relationship and in turn, allow circumstances to make decision for him, then he has to live with the choice opt by fate. Getting married based on responsibility? Then suffer the consequence of marrying someone anything other than love. Remember, you don't have to fill in that gap just because he has heeded your advice to leave his wife.
You are not liable for anything, even he has given up his marriage for you (should that be the truth).
P.S: Never turn your shoulders and retrace your route. It only allows karmic relationship to glee sadistically and afflict your life.
Cheers -
sun baby,
I think of the forumites who have posted... They should have covered most of the important points for you...
Your current relationship with him is greatly unfavorable to you at this point... Mainly because....
1. Your insecurity over everything. It cannot be overemphasized. It's written all over you.
2. Your compatibility with each other. 'In-depth' analysis which I've done for you have revealed to be a 'negative' for you... Maybe your woman's intuition is already running quite an accurate sense for you at this instance... Your 2 main possible outcomes with him should be... 1. Gradual but almost certain degrading of the relationship with much helplessness.. 2. His betrayal to you.
Have you seen the separation deed signed for yourself? If so, have you seen the date which it has been signed?
Can I ask you a few more questions at the same time?
How old are you? How old is he? How many bfs have you been together with since you and him broke off and patched back again? -
U r most welcome..Originally posted by sun baby:Well, no one is perfect and no one can gurantee that he will not change in the later stage. I am really skeptical.
Don't worry! I know you are trying to make me see things. Thanks a lot anyway.
I gonna agree with u..
Nobody is perfect..
We r always craving for better things..
Btw, IÂ’m merely giving my personal opinion..
IÂ’m not trying to mislead u.. -
sun_baby is the typical nightmare woman men fear the most.
One day she wants and the next she doubts. She wants to get back and then she doesn't. Tomorrow she wants to again.
She encouraged the man to divorce his wife to be with her and then she decided she is not so sure after all.
NIGHTMARE woman.