How do you help
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your partner if she have this habit of bottling up her feelings? As in she is reluctant to tell you the things that have upsetted her and just cries in the middle of the night.
Only when things build up then she tells u everything and its only then u found out that most of what had made her sad are things that are what "she feels that I am thinking like this" but not what u actually was thinking at that point of time.
I've told her that i am always here to listen, for her to question my actions if it had upsetted her but she says that its her way of releasing stress (crying) and its not her habit to thrash things out.
What can i, as a boyfriend do to help? I don't wish to see her being upset over things that can be settled if clarified.... i don't want to see her cry in the middle of the night... please help... -
tell her to write a blog
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she has a blog... but then its open to all her friends and so things that are personal is unlikely to appear there. Also, it has been quite sometime since she last update her blog.Originally posted by FireIce:tell her to write a blog -
sad....
maybe if you open up to her ( i don't mean literally) then she might actually confide to you. -
i did... i told her my inner feelings too. The problem here is not that she cant confide in me. Its her 'style' to not talk about things in her despite me telling her to try to change. I think its stressful and unhealthy to bottle up feelings.Originally posted by used:sad....
maybe if you open up to her ( i don't mean literally) then she might actually confide to you. -
try to entice her into talking about it...
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true and it can cause depression. dose she tells anyone her inner feelings? you cant force her to change its only up to herself. gain her trust more and let her know how much this relationship means to you and that you wanna make it work. and also let her know that you are as vulnerable as she is.Originally posted by twenty47:i did... i told her my inner feelings too. The problem here is not that she cant confide in me. Its her 'style' to not talk about things in her despite me telling her to try to change. I think its stressful and unhealthy to bottle up feelings. -
My advice to you is that to leave her aloneÂ…
Different people have different way of solving problems… and when come to personal problems… not everyone wants to share or confide in another person or even with their loved one or very very closed friends… Don’t force her to say her thoughts when the time is not right… at least she talks to you after she have “come over it”… It is better than she didn’t tell you anything right???
The time for your advice for her is when she have totally “come over it” or more or less “come over it”… this is the time for you to advice and talk to you and know more about the problems… Try not to probe too much as you might upset her and this might lead to her being more reluctant to tell you her problems… just be a good listening ear…
Sometimes… when we want to care for the person… the person might not want it… as he or she might have a way of solving problems of their own… thus try not to disturb her… I believed that she would come back to you once she is back to normal… Therefore, if you are by her side then she might not be able to think or solve things out… Thus don’t add to her “existing problems” by staying around…
Just remember that things might not turn out the way you want if you kept probing and forcing herÂ… as suchÂ… just relax and take things one step at a timeÂ…
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I see your posts are good. I too have a friend who more or less is facing some problems of her own, BUT due to the fact I am not that close to her I cannot directly intervene and can only be there when she wants some company.Originally posted by Beckhamagic:My advice to you is that to leave her aloneÂ…
Different people have different way of solving problems… and when come to personal problems… not everyone wants to share or confide in another person or even with their loved one or very very closed friends… Don’t force her to say her thoughts when the time is not right… at least she talks to you after she have “come over it”… It is better than she didn’t tell you anything right???
The time for your advice for her is when she have totally “come over it” or more or less “come over it”… this is the time for you to advice and talk to you and know more about the problems… Try not to probe too much as you might upset her and this might lead to her being more reluctant to tell you her problems… just be a good listening ear…
Sometimes… when we want to care for the person… the person might not want it… as he or she might have a way of solving problems of their own… thus try not to disturb her… I believed that she would come back to you once she is back to normal… Therefore, if you are by her side then she might not be able to think or solve things out… Thus don’t add to her “existing problems” by staying around…
Just remember that things might not turn out the way you want if you kept probing and forcing herÂ… as suchÂ… just relax and take things one step at a timeÂ…
I do have a question with relations to your words: Guys naturally cannot understand girls, so if lets say on the surface she kindly rejects your help, what if she actually wants you to help her in some way deep in her heart? How to tell so? -
Hi Bontakun,
thanks for your compliments on my posts... I just started posting my views in this forum and hope to be of value to the forum by posting good posts...
Please see my reply for your question:
I do have a question with relations to your words: Guys naturally cannot understand girls, so if lets say on the surface she kindly rejects your help, what if she actually wants you to help her in some way deep in her heart? How to tell so?
Well... Not that we (men) cannot understand women.. it is just that they are simply too complicated for us to understand... My view is that I will try not to fully understand them and basically I cannot... Just understand around 70%~80% and try not to take things too heavily in life... In this way... you would be much more happier and so will be ur partner...
If I were you I will leave her (your female friend) alone since "she said so..." but once in a while... prehaps... 1 or 2 weeks apart... you can give her a call... or sms her... If she really want your help or need help she will look for you... unless she got someone else to turn to... Be patient...
Hope that the above is of help... -
Ooooh I see I see. Ok.Originally posted by Beckhamagic:Hi Bontakun,
thanks for your compliments on my posts... I just started posting my views in this forum and hope to be of value to the forum by posting good posts...
Well... Not that we (men) cannot understand women.. it is just that they are simply too complicated for us to understand... My view is that I will try not to fully understand them and basically I cannot... Just understand around 70%~80% and try not to take things too heavily in life... In this way... you would be much more happier and so will be ur partner...
If I were you I will leave her (your female friend) alone since "she said so..." but once in a while... prehaps... 1 or 2 weeks apart... you can give her a call... or sms her... If she really want your help or need help she will look for you... unless she got someone else to turn to... Be patient...
Hope that the above is of help... 
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Try to smile more to her and to be more 'positive' in your attitude towards her from time to time... Try to read a bit of her body language... If she's suddenly too quiet or anything from time to time, try to cheer her up a bit....Originally posted by twenty47:your partner if she have this habit of bottling up her feelings? As in she is reluctant to tell you the things that have upsetted her and just cries in the middle of the night.
Only when things build up then she tells u everything and its only then u found out that most of what had made her sad are things that are what "she feels that I am thinking like this" but not what u actually was thinking at that point of time.
I've told her that i am always here to listen, for her to question my actions if it had upsetted her but she says that its her way of releasing stress (crying) and its not her habit to thrash things out.
What can i, as a boyfriend do to help? I don't wish to see her being upset over things that can be settled if clarified.... i don't want to see her cry in the middle of the night... please help... -
can start by getting a diary for her..
one that both of u can share by writing down ur feelings lor.. -
Bring her to roller coster ride, then tell her that there's ups and downs in life. Tell her to be strong and you'll be there to support her when she fall.
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I tried with one of my long gone ex. before... It turned out PRETTY UGLY...?Originally posted by browniebaobao:can start by getting a diary for her..
one that both of u can share by writing down ur feelings lor.. -
im curious abt the content.Originally posted by Devil1976:I tried with one of my long gone ex. before... It turned out PRETTY UGLY...? 
i have yet to meet someone who will share a diary with me.
i used to keep a diary whenever i get into a r/s..
but after break up, i dare not touch it again..
so.. i no longer keep one. -
shared diary..
tried once
managed a few pages .v -
I think I understand your gf's feelings...
When I cry, I don't like people crowding around me. I prefer to be left alone, to sleep it over.
But I think the best thing you can do at that moment, is to just sit next to her and keep quiet, and offer tissues. When she's ready, she'll probably spill her thoughts. That is, if she is willing to share. Not that she doesn't trust you or anything, at the least in my case, it's some sort of insecurity thing..
I think that firstly, it depends on the problem, whether it is related to you or not. If it isn't, then you can probably lend a shoulder for her to cry on. Don't ask about the problem; wait for her to open up. Give her tissues and soothing rubs on the back etc.
Edited:
Or maybe she's just insecure. -
At 1st it was all the lovely dovey stuffs... But after a while when things got FARKED UP... With all the emotions and arguements written on the diary... It REALLY FARKED things up...Originally posted by browniebaobao:im curious abt the content.
i have yet to meet someone who will share a diary with me.
i used to keep a diary whenever i get into a r/s..
but after break up, i dare not touch it again..
so.. i no longer keep one. -
Originally posted by twenty47:your partner if she have this habit of bottling up her feelings? As in she is reluctant to tell you the things that have upsetted her and just cries in the middle of the night.
Only when things build up then she tells u everything and its only then u found out that most of what had made her sad are things that are what "she feels that I am thinking like this" but not what u actually was thinking at that point of time.
I've told her that i am always here to listen, for her to question my actions if it had upsetted her but she says that its her way of releasing stress (crying) and its not her habit to thrash things out.
What can i, as a boyfriend do to help? I don't wish to see her being upset over things that can be settled if clarified.... i don't want to see her cry in the middle of the night... please help...
It's not about helping; probably it's about changing a mindset and personality.
It will probably take years, even if you are doing it right.
Never stop relating yourself or sharing of emotional information; this is the only way to induce her out of her ivory tower, bit by bit.
P.S: There seemed to be some negative-vibes/issues during her early childhood development, which contributed to her 'style' of communication. Although there must be an understanding that not all things are said, but suppressing everything within doesn't classify under that category. In fact, it has probably become an emotional disorder, which will definitely affect the way she runs the relationship.
Cheers