I have a problem with dating...
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Sorry to those who had already read my thread & even commented in another forum before. I had decided to "shift house" here. So here goes my story again:
Hi, I am a female, just hit 30
Just gotten myself out of a bad marriage which broke off bitterly. I was in the relationship for 7 years.
He was my first true love.
I had not much dating experience and I have never cheated on my partner during the whole course of our relationship together. In fact, whilst still together with him, I was so tame that I shut off any possibilities of friends with the opposite sex.
I am now single.
As it is, I should be single and AVAILABLE.
But the thing is, dating scares the hell out of me. I have been conditioned not to respond too well to the opposite sex.
For one, I'm aloof. And I am absolutely averse to cheesy pick-up lines. What would I do? Just simply don't respond, that's all. A sure kill joy. I rarely pub/club (only a few pathetic times up to date). I dun drink & nor do I smoke. I've talked to some guys online. And for your info, I dun cyber (u know wat I mean), seldom meet up and absolutely do not go for flings and ons.Once, I did meet up with someone online. I had thought he sounded like someone quite chivalrous cos he was telling me that he was helping out with his ex-girlfriend with her marriage. I thought that was rather generous of him.
I know that my above narration is rather long but I hope to let you all in as to have a better insight to my problem. I am not the most gorgeous woman on earth but I know I would look more than presentable if I'd bother to dress up. The thing is, I cannot stand having males to sms me "funny" things, that is why I hadn't give out my number to just any guy. I wonder if I had been feeling depress cos I don't feel like going out to socialize at all and dread & fear the prospect of dating. I don't like the tension of talking to an unknown guy and my mind radar immediately "sense" whether the guy is trying to undress me mentally in his mind instinctively. I absolutely hate that.
But once met up, he told me that all ppl have needs (which was a fact and I accepted it graciously by not arguing). Then he went on to rattle the next few hours about Singapore's politics to me (which was boring but otherwise fine as I can listen objectively). He wasn't touchy and he told me from the way I converse with him over the net, he realized he ought to act proper for our first meet-up, so he didn't drove his car along (as in there were many scares in the news about male strangers driving off the females to some place isolated). That was brilliant. I appreciated it.
Then later that night after an amicable part off, he sms me to ask me if I had slept. I replied no. Then he sms me about him "needing". And NEEDless to say, I was absolutely turned off.
Well, I've isolated that as a single episode. Hence, few days later when he sms me again, I replied his greetings. He asked me if it would be okay to meet up again & I replied sure, why not? To go out as friends and chat. But then, he sms again that probably "we could go further". So I replied again saying I think rather simple. Having company for dinners is fine. But he pressed on saying there "could be more".
I have not replied him since and his last sms to me was asking if I was out dating or not, which for unknown reasons, turned me off totally.
Am I abnormal? Wat should I do? -
This reply also shift house.
You're not being abnormal. You're just inexperience in social skills.
If you don't mind, you can actually share your thoughts here.
I assume your circle of friends are in marriage status?
Can you roughly gauge the number of friends whom you can talk to at the moment?
Cheers
not that people here could literally help you out. But at least there is this avenue where you can 'pen' your feelings and struggles down.
We are listening.
What i see basically is that you've lost your sense of identity, and your stand as a individual in the social world.
You are trying hard to adapt to this mindset of dating and socialising.
The downside was because during your relationship, you didn't have a healthy social circle to mantain the constant change. Hence it seemed to warp your perspective of things around.
Control and yet wanting to experience new things became a matter hard to deal with.
The failure of relationship has caused damage to your esteem.
I suggest joining some ladies club first(yes, date or meet new girlfriends), get comfortable with them and slowly move to men.
This is a social process. Since you've been deprieved yourself for more than 7 years, it's not impossible to unlearn your past and adapt to your new life. It's hard though!
All the best.
p.s: continue writing. -
Hi,
sad to hear your story... It is very difficult to forget someone who have once "dominated" our lives... they might have left our lives but they sure left a big impact in our lives...
Althought, there is no such things as "one cannot continue living without another person" but I am sure that sometimes... it is very true... it is heart breaking and aching... but since he had left you... then no choice... you have to learn to adapt and move on...
I know it is difficult but take one small step at a time... start by not thinking about him... and slowly the "scar" will disappear...
I wish you happiness and health... -
Sorry that u went thr a divorce & is single again. That is not the end of the world cos there are many like u.
To start dating again- get your gf, relatives or colleagues to intro eligible guys. At least u can get some background info on them, better than to meet strangers in pubs/ internet.
Also join some sports, hobby/ church groups to network & widen your social circle.
Don't be discouraged if u meet guys who are players & not serious.
U did the right thing by not responding to that jerk's SMS.
Worst come to worst, join matchmaking session. At least the guys there are seriously looking to settle down. My sis got to know my brother in law this way & they are happily married. -
Originally posted by gerrykoh:Sorry that u went thr a divorce & is single again. That is not the end of the world cos there are many like u.
To start dating again- get your gf, relatives or colleagues to intro eligible guys. At least u can get some background info on them, better than to meet strangers in pubs/ internet.
Also join some sports, hobby/ church groups to network & widen your social circle.
Don't be discouraged if u meet guys who are players & not serious.
U did the right thing by not responding to that jerk's SMS.
Worst come to worst, join matchmaking session. At least the guys there are seriously looking to settle down. My sis got to know my brother in law this way & they are happily married.
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just keep an open mind. think whether u are really ready for another rel'ship. some time off could be good. btw, keep in mind tt online rel'ship are dangerous. and rel'ships started in drinking places are not tt favorable too (based on some research i read in I-S magazine). perhaps u can do some social stuff like gym, salsa or sports. let nature take its course from there...
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Pretty well put across.Originally posted by M©+square:This reply also shift house.
If you don't mind, you can actually share your thoughts here.
not that people here could literally help you out. But at least there is this avenue where you can 'pen' your feelings and struggles down.
We are listening.
What i see basically is that you've lost your sense of identity, and your stand as a individual in the social world.
You are trying hard to adapt to this mindset of dating and socialising.
The downside was because during your relationship, you didn't have a healthy social circle to mantain the constant change. Hence it seemed to warp your perspective of things around.
Control and yet wanting to experience new things became a matter hard to deal with.
The failure of relationship has caused damage to your esteem.
I suggest joining some ladies club first(yes, date or meet new girlfriends), get comfortable with them and slowly move to men.
This is a social process. Since you've been deprieved yourself for more than 7 years, it's not impossible to unlearn your past and adapt to your new life. It's hard though!
All the best.
p.s: continue writing.
Just a note to add. The failure of marriage has not only caused a damage to the esteem, but also put the girl into quite a defensive mode.
As she tries to gather herself tighter and becomes more resistant to change and venture... Which... Having read your post above, would certainly not make a lovely picture in combination... -
Originally posted by M©+square:This reply also shift house.
If you don't mind, you can actually share your thoughts here.
not that people here could literally help you out. But at least there is this avenue where you can 'pen' your feelings and struggles down.
We are listening.
What i see basically is that you've lost your sense of identity, and your stand as a individual in the social world.
You are trying hard to adapt to this mindset of dating and socialising.
The downside was because during your relationship, you didn't have a healthy social circle to mantain the constant change. Hence it seemed to warp your perspective of things around.
Control and yet wanting to experience new things became a matter hard to deal with.
The failure of relationship has caused damage to your esteem.
I suggest joining some ladies club first(yes, date or meet new girlfriends), get comfortable with them and slowly move to men.
This is a social process. Since you've been deprieved yourself for more than 7 years, it's not impossible to unlearn your past and adapt to your new life. It's hard though!
All the best.
p.s: continue writing.
I have to agree with MCsquare; this is an issue of social life, not the men you meet.
You see, you can't get to know a man and put expectation towards a possible relationship; a possible relationship could only happen when a man meets certain expectation. I believe you do have the wisdom to decide that what you want is a FULFILLING relationship and not becoming a history of your past - therefore, being wary and defensive is definitely a normal by-product of your failed marriage.
There may be an emotional glitch in your system; men may tap on them to exploit this vulnerability. Just recognise them and ward those jerks, but never resign to fate and seal yourself because you will be killing your own chance to another shot at happiness.
I suggest you pick up something to learn (e.g. Salsa), so that you can indulge in a new hobby and at the same time get to know new people.
Don't be so centred on how to get into another 'BGR'; rather, enjoy the process of being single and allow 'BGR' to happen.
Cheers -
u r a les....
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..what u stated in the quotes...
you just happened to be unfortunate to meet a "scheming" guy...
who was trying hard to be a nice guy, yet wants to get into ur pants.
i guess...its a borderline case that makes u lose confidence in your "radar-dectection" and not know how to react to such situations,
especially that he seemed like a nice guy on one hand,
yet sex-craved on the other.
perhaps you can just take that as a 'training' or an unfortunate
attempt in going back to proper dating lifestyle.
its just like anything we do in life...
->sometimes things dun work out the way we want
->practise makes perfect
thats life.
alternatively, try join some social groups and know more friends first
instread of one-to-one dating. -
I think ur divorce is meddling with ur ability to allow u to get on with your social life. But nonetheless, that guy u say in ur narration is really an idiot. He is nothing more than a sex fiend. Its obvious he is thinking thru his pants, and hence u should not continue being friends with him anymore.
I would suggest that maybe u try dating agencies? Because they usually pair u with people of the same interests as u. So more likely, u will meet a guy who is the person u like. And dating agencies usually don't introduce guys like the above. If they do, at least u can complain to the dating agency about the guy they introduce to u. I am not saying that people u meet on-line are not reliable, but u never know the true intentions of someone hiding behind the screen. -
Try to make more friends, you are a person who dun like to mix around but still you can keep an open mind and know where you stand. As long as you dun cross the line then you are safe. There are ppl out there who you can trust, but by just sms or msn doesn't tell you much about that person until you meet him. Don't be discourage by the past, I believe there is a right time and a right person you will meet one day! Cheers
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Hummhh....
Life still goes on even though we are down. Cheer up..
I agree with some of the quotes above, join some course or club to widen your social circle. Most of us walked through not exactly same but similar path before, important thing in us is never to lost our self worth even in the lowest point of our life. Jia You...
As for relationship what i can say is, Maybe god has better life or plan for you ahead. Don't rush into another relationship as it's not gonna help you feel better. Mix around and getting to know more friends.
JIA YOU.... -
it is ok to remain single for your entire life
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hahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahaahahahhahaha
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u can try hanging arnd teenagers for a change, and maybe from them u can experience how it feels to be young and dating agn
just my 2 cents -
Hi, Im new here. But would like to share some advices.
Dont be sad or pessimistic (you don know me).
There are more things in your life u can achieve.
Like work or u can even turn urself to God and God will comfort u
Trust me, i been thru all those ugly times, n was near to suicide and sad to say stil under some depressions, but i think im getting better each day ever since i joined church.
I think u need time to adjust back ur emotions.
Firstly balance urself up b4 u wan to think of another r'ship. Its better.
never to feel that u r alone.
im sure u do have supportive frenz n family.
I used to be a kinda heavy smoker n drinker and now i have quitted, just some occasionally booze
stay cool!! Like me,ya!! -
dont' find love let's love find you.......never treat relationship with love.....but treat as a good comphanionship....
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Don't find love.....let's love find you.......
Don't treat relationship with love....but with passion.
couple must have a good time together...if not....don't stay
you live for yourself not for other......there is 6 billion people around the world....why u need to suffer because of one ?
treat your lover with good companion way.....not with love....so that you two can have a good time.
above all....you must get along....