Trouble with Parents...
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Have been agonized about them for quite long already...you can say since I was very young until now (I am currently in my early twenties)
When I was young, maybe not many people know abt this but I was abused physically by caning, beating, etc. That time because I was weak and unable to retaliate, I just took in all those physical abuse without even saying a thing to other people...nothing I could do but cried and "ren". Then I thanked my lucky star when I got the offer to pursue my studies overseas...during those four years, I knew what was the meaning of freedom...
Now I am back and I have to stay with them again. It takes a bit of time to get adjusted to the lack of freedom. Now they no longer abuse me physically, but they still abuse me emotionally and mentally. Especially when they got angry (for example yesterday, they got angry about my driving skills when I was driving my new car) and came to shout and rant at me in my workplace. Can you imagine my embarassment?
Thing is they have all these mood swings...like today everything is back to normal. I can only wait with bated breath when is the next episode of such incident going to take place. Have been trying to figure out a solution for this since I was young and until now still cannot think of any. I have thought of running away but the moment they know I wanted to do that, they will confiscate my identity card, driving license, house keys, passports, etc. If I ask them nicely to let me move out, they will disagree.
Help anyone?
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Have you tried talking to them about it?Originally posted by rainee:Have been agonized about them for quite long already...you can say since I was very young until now (I am currently in my early twenties)
When I was young, maybe not many people know abt this but I was abused physically by caning, beating, etc. That time because I was weak and unable to retaliate, I just took in all those physical abuse without even saying a thing to other people...nothing I could do but cried and "ren". Then I thanked my lucky star when I got the offer to pursue my studies overseas...during those four years, I knew what was the meaning of freedom...
Now I am back and I have to stay with them again. It takes a bit of time to get adjusted to the lack of freedom. Now they no longer abuse me physically, but they still abuse me emotionally and mentally. Especially when they got angry (for example yesterday, they got angry about my driving skills when I was driving my new car) and came to shout and rant at me in my workplace. Can you imagine my embarassment?
Thing is they have all these mood swings...like today everything is back to normal. I can only wait with bated breath when is the next episode of such incident going to take place. Have been trying to figure out a solution for this since I was young and until now still cannot think of any. I have thought of running away but the moment they know I wanted to do that, they will confiscate my identity card, driving license, house keys, passports, etc. If I ask them nicely to let me move out, they will disagree.
Help anyone?
You're in your early twenties, so you're an adult already, should have the freedom to take charge of your own life.
You owe your parents a big responsibility, but they do not own your life. -
to every parent a child is always a child
so it might be that they trying to get over the fact that your just growing up
who knows just take it eazy and try to endure
even though your an adult to your parents your always a child -
how much can one endure?Originally posted by molgax:to every parent a child is always a child
so it might be that they trying to get over the fact that your just growing up
who knows just take it eazy and try to endure
even though your an adult to your parents your always a child
if ur parents showed up in ur office (if u r working) or school (if u r studying) and then suddenly shouted at you using vulgar words and things like you are so stupid, etc in front of all your colleagues/classmates...how would u feel? -
Got talk to them, but they refused to listen...only want their own ways most of the time...Originally posted by Kinokuniya:Have you tried talking to them about it?
You're in your early twenties, so you're an adult already, should have the freedom to take charge of your own life.
You owe your parents a big responsibility, but they do not own your life.
I want to move over to Singapore and work here beginning next year, but that means I would have to stay away from them, at first they agreed to this but lately they started to change their mind...
Then threaten to do something to me if I still dare to move out...
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If i would u i'll do anything i like to the parents..and that means using force toward them or shout at them..nevermind the hell what is filial piety
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but at my workplace leh...if i create so much trouble there confirm by the next day I will get terminated olediOriginally posted by ceecookie:If i would u i'll do anything i like to the parents..and that means using force toward them or shout at them..nevermind the hell what is filial piety 
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You can always compromise and I find that it's the best way to get something you want. Of course, don't go overboard with it.Originally posted by rainee:Got talk to them, but they refused to listen...only want their own ways most of the time...
I want to move over to Singapore and work here beginning next year, but that means I would have to stay away from them, at first they agreed to this but lately they started to change their mind...
Then threaten to do something to me if I still dare to move out...
Take for example now. JB and Singapore isn't that far apart, so try finding a place nearer to JB. Woodlands is a good place, so you can go back as frequently as possible. They might agree to this, though there's no guarantee.
You can sit down and discuss with them, hear what they want and try to find ways for compromising or perhaps reach an agreement of sorts? -
That doesn't help. Besides, it shows what type of person you are already.Originally posted by ceecookie:If i would u i'll do anything i like to the parents..and that means using force toward them or shout at them..nevermind the hell what is filial piety -
It's sad when one doesn't know the limit of respecting parents.
Parents are humans after all. Although they command great authority in the household, that doesn't means full submission or rather, blind submission is tolerable - be it abuse or other forms of torture, physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.
My advice would be to move out once and for all. I know many filial child would disagree with me, but then if you are attached or if you want to get married in future, the couple will have to leave the household and cleave on to each other and start a new family together.
This way, it will be even more effective in securing the marriage, rather than living together with the parents, as the in-laws or the mother would control the husband, and the father might control the wife, or whatever... any forms of control will bound to happen.
Are you going to move on or not? You mentioned in your other thread that you've moved on from past relationships. Are you going to move on in your next phase of life or are you just going to stay where you are and not grow up?
Move out ASAP. -
hmm tell your boss or the supervisor that your having family problems.Originally posted by rainee:but at my workplace leh...if i create so much trouble there confirm by the next day I will get terminated oledi
Maybe take some days off and have a discussion with your parents,tell them why they treat you like that and so on.Tell them you wish to stop being "tormented" by them.
I feel like saying harsh words but i know the state you are in and i do not want to aggegrate you further. -
Ignore that cookiekid. He's only good for adding fuel to the fire.Originally posted by ndmmxiaomayi:That doesn't help. Besides, it shows what type of person you are already. -
The fact that you're worried that your parents will do something to you if you move out against their wishes tells me that you have not been firm enough in fighting for your rights. (Am I right?)
Some parents, as they grow older, they become like kids - spoilt and always insist on having their way without consideration for their children's feelings.
Perhaps you should seek a third party to step in to play mediator? -
Ohh you still haven't change!Originally posted by ceecookie:If i would u i'll do anything i like to the parents..and that means using force toward them or shout at them..nevermind the hell what is filial piety 
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got tried dat before...but when they are angry, they do not want to reason.Originally posted by ndmmxiaomayi:You can always compromise and I find that it's the best way to get something you want. Of course, don't go overboard with it.
Take for example now. JB and Singapore isn't that far apart, so try finding a place nearer to JB. Woodlands is a good place, so you can go back as frequently as possible. They might agree to this, though there's no guarantee.
You can sit down and discuss with them, hear what they want and try to find ways for compromising or perhaps reach an agreement of sorts?
tink my problem now is more like...how to calm them down when they are angry? need to send them for anger management classes? -
That's y I said, there's a limit to respecting parents.Originally posted by rainee:but at my workplace leh...if i create so much trouble there confirm by the next day I will get terminated oledi
Bring them to the psychiatrists for check up.
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well i already made a wise second post on some advice.I'll lose my temper easily,hence the harshnessOriginally posted by fudgester:Ignore that cookiekid. He's only good for adding fuel to the fire. -
Filial piety doesn't mean blind following, however, it doesn't mean you can go against them either. It will make them upset and make you yourself awkward if there is still going to be communication.Originally posted by -[0]-:It's sad when one doesn't know the limit of respecting parents.
Parents are humans after all. Although they command great authority in the household, that doesn't means full submission or rather, blind submission is tolerable - be it abuse or other forms of torture, physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.
My advice would be to move out once and for all. I know many filial child would disagree with me, but then if you are attached or if you want to get married in future, the couple will have to leave the household and cleave on to each other and start a new family together.
This way, it will be even more effective in securing the marriage, rather than living together with the parents, as the in-laws or the mother would control the husband, and the father might control the wife, or whatever... any forms of control will bound to happen.
Are you going to move on or not? You mentioned in your other thread that you've moved on from past relationships. Are you going to move on in your next phase of life or are you just going to stay where you are and not grow up?
Move out ASAP.
Even if there is not going to have communication, what about the future? Supposing she's getting married, how is she going to ask when relationship with her parents are strained? -
maybe you are not in my situation so you do not know why I still dun move out.Originally posted by -[0]-:It's sad when one doesn't know the limit of respecting parents.
Parents are humans after all. Although they command great authority in the household, that doesn't means full submission or rather, blind submission is tolerable - be it abuse or other forms of torture, physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.
My advice would be to move out once and for all. I know many filial child would disagree with me, but then if you are attached or if you want to get married in future, the couple will have to leave the household and cleave on to each other and start a new family together.
This way, it will be even more effective in securing the marriage, rather than living together with the parents, as the in-laws or the mother would control the husband, and the father might control the wife, or whatever... any forms of control will bound to happen.
Are you going to move on or not? You mentioned in your other thread that you've moved on from past relationships. Are you going to move on in your next phase of life or are you just going to stay where you are and not grow up?
Move out ASAP.
One thing is cos I have to wait until my scholarship bond terminates next year. Then I can move out to Singapore and find a job there.
Another option will be to get married, then they dun have control over me anymore, but this isnt possible either cos of certain circumstances. -
Certain circumstances? Like...?Originally posted by rainee:maybe you are not in my situation so you do not know why I still dun move out.
One thing is cos I have to wait until my scholarship bond terminates next year. Then I can move out to Singapore and find a job there.
Another option will be to get married, then they dun have control over me anymore, but this isnt possible either cos of certain circumstances.
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I want to discuss with them but everytime they are done doing something which embarasses me, they will try to act as if nothing happens. Then when you try to discuss it with them, they will say, you dun wan to let the sleeping dogs lie do you? Then said if I bring it up again, there is no guarantee they wun lose their temper and cause some trouble againOriginally posted by ceecookie:hmm tell your boss or the supervisor that your having family problems.
Maybe take some days off and have a discussion with your parents,tell them why they treat you like that and so on.Tell them you wish to stop being "tormented" by them.
I feel like saying harsh words but i know the state you are in and i do not want to aggegrate you further. -
My dear still studying hor? And I want to stabilize my career first...Originally posted by -[0]-:Certain circumstances? Like...?
Also I dun tink it is fair to get married just because of this issue...I want to move out with my parents' blessings, not run away from them... -
Erm.... yeah....Originally posted by rainee:got tried dat before...but when they are angry, they do not want to reason.
tink my problem now is more like...how to calm them down when they are angry? need to send them for anger management classes?
This answer only works quite well if they are calm.
How to calm them down, I don't know. I'm not a people's person. What I usually do is I leave them alone for about a week or so and bring up the topic again. If after 3 tries and the reaction is the same, I will give up on it.
Try spending more time with them, it will help improve ties and probably make discussions easier. Best if you bring in your cousins as well, it will be a bigger group, with more ideas and perspectives. At the same time, there will be a mediator. -
Filial piety is commercialized within a circle of Asians whereby they think that being filial is being respectful ALL the time. Whilst the amount of respect is limited only to a certain extent. A parent doesn't deserve respect if they do not respect their children or their freewill of choices given by God. Confucius even said that one should give respect in order to earn it - Do unto to others what you want others to do unto you.Originally posted by ndmmxiaomayi:Filial piety doesn't mean blind following, however, it doesn't mean you can go against them either. It will make them upset and make you yourself awkward if there is still going to be communication.
Even if there is not going to have communication, what about the future? Supposing she's getting married, how is she going to ask when relationship with her parents are strained?
There must be communication, that's so much is true. that's the hardest part I must admit. It's a very subjective topic, so it'll still depend on individual's parents I must say. -
i actually hesitate to advice because what i suggest is normally rather drastic, brutal and abrupt..........