how could she? this so heartless~
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Of cos not! Once bitten, twice shy. Alarm bellsOriginally posted by Bontakun:
Ask youselves this also: Knowing your previous relationships that ended the way you do not want, are you going to repeat the same whole thing when you meet someone new? "Wow, he is cute and funny! I can't help falling in love with him!", "She is hot! I fall head and heels over her!", "He is so cool and suave!", "She is gentle and has a smile like the sunshine"...Are you going to just fall in love with someone without actually bothering to know that person more and understanding that person and give that person more chances to know you more? Are you going to jump in blindly into the pool without actually testing the temperature first?
will ring if things seem too good to be true in a brand new r/s. Hope the guy on the other end in this new r/s will not try to hurry and convince the girl of his love before she is ready. But then the prob will be, when the girl expresses her need to hold back, dun the USUAL guy express some form of frustrations and finally screw things up by having some big quarrels AND THEN lament in a sarcastic way (ref to post below)
So in this case, isnÂ’t the guy strangling the girl too?Originally posted by dokono:
her needs have been neglected.
doko
[/quote]
[quote]Originally posted by dokono:My reason is that when a guy dumps, he doesn't like the girl anymore or because the girl's character really strangles him in the relationship or he likes another girl more than his current girlfriend.
doko
Just a heartfelt suggestion. -
Originally posted by blu_sky:
+2
ah.... there are so many aspects of a relationship that require trust! like wat was stated in greenribbon's thread, finance, trust that he/she will be there for you and etc and etc and etc. there are so many, you know?
ok, thats all i'll like to contribute on your this qn. cos i think no matter how much i talk and illustrate here, some things in life needs life experience and maturity to understand. Guess you might have to go through yourself you understand! of cos open-mindedness is needed. otherwise, no matter what happens, when something bad happens n you juz gonna attribute it to 3rd parties, you still wont learn much in life.
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hmmmm....Originally posted by Bontakun:I trust you are speaking from personal experience. Is the friend/partner accustomed to be late? Have you found out why he/she/it is always late? Is it a habit? Or is there some last minute situation? If you know its a habit, its something you may have to accept, be it friend or partner. If its some situation, you can ask what is going on.
On the part being habit or something that is natural of the person. Its your call you accept and bear with it or try to change it OR you can just forget it totally and let it go.
If the person sms you he/she/it has met with some friends and decided not to meet you, it brings to your mind "Has this person been doing that? Even before I decided to date him/her/it?". If this person did this before you two dated, you should have found out about this beforehand. If the person did this AFTER you two dated, then its something you two may have to discuss about.
You caution a friend not to spend so much, he bo hew, you can't do much more at that moment. If the partner does the same, you have to ask youself this, "Is he like this before I met him? Or after we got together?" If he is like this before you two dated, shouldn't you have noticed this point before?
the above mentioned examples are just what i thought up, the purpose is that, even when a friend and a partner do the same thing, or make the same mistake, we react differently, this is because they have a different 'status' friend, and partner.
with this different status, comes with different expectation, different reaction.
likewise, when both friend and partner do something sweet for us, we are touched by both.... but on different levels....
This i totally agree.Originally posted by Bontakun:Change is the only constant. If you can accept his change yet he cannot accept yours, this only means you two were NOT meant to be together. You are ready for something he is not. You have not found the person whom you can truely share your life with back then.
Besides, his "evolved" state of mind which somehow hinders him from accepting your "unchanged" self shows he has plans and you most likely are not in it OR you are unable to catch up with him? He felt you are stagnant when he is moving. Dunno.
Being unchanged... perhaps its the thinking of being "unchanged" that has infact CHANGED the "unchanged" person such that the partner saw it and realised he/she/it is not the exact person he/she/it supposed to love?
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Originally posted by dokono:
You are wrong in this stance, I did hv feelings for him during those agonising period for abt 2 years? even after I proclaim the break. I shall not go into details AGAIN but simply to say, I really dun see any future in the r/s.
Relax... are you speaking for yourself or for girls as a whole? A girl once commented that girls behave similarly in a certain fashion or another to guys in areas of relationships. I think she is speaking common sense to me.
You know, your first paragraph can be just summed up with one sentence- You just have no feelings for him anymore. And it's not your fault that you have no feelings. It's just not there any more. You just can't force it, right? No doubt you loved him before but now the feeling is gone. When the feeling is gone, of course there is no future.
It breaks your heart? Because you can't bear to see him sad because you need a reason to justify the breakup. So if it breaks your heart, why did you break up with him? Just don't make sense. It's whether you want or don't want only. Let me ask you something. If your desire to stay with him is greater than the desire to breakup, will you still breakup?
As for two-timing, I did not say it's on purpose. Sometimes, you just don't like the guy anymore but you are still with him. Maybe last time, but not now. And then, you start looking for a new one before you dump the old one. That's why I say you are not two-timing in mind beforehand. Im not saying you plan to betray him first. There are many such cases in this forum so usually a girl does not do that you say?
Remember, there are some girls who have a backup because they can't stand to be alone but in actuality, they don't love the guy.
More stories of guys securing a new girlfriend before they do the dumping? Then how come there are so many stories of guys complaining of being dumped/rejected/change of heart/single in this forum and other forums? Why?
Don't get me wrong. The guys you mentioned deserved to be bashed as well. I do know such people. Im speaking for guys who are sincerely good and get rejected constantly. I don't blame girls.
The breakup occurs not only because of irreconcilable differences but also because most importantly, you don't like him anymore (while he still likes you).
Im posting this not because I hate girls or what but because of their actions. They don't match what they say. As a woman, I believe you know it. They frustrate the guys. But I still like girls.
doko
As much as you've been trying to quote girls on the general (though amg my buddies, it's like the exact opposite), perhaps if it's easier for you to digest, my case is really one of those rare cases you'd ever come across. -
+1Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:You are wrong in this stance, I did hv feelings for him during those agonising period for abt 2 years? even after I proclaim the break. I shall not go into details AGAIN but simply to say, I really dun see any future in the r/s.
As much as you've been trying to quote girls on the general (though amg my buddies, it's like the exact opposite), perhaps if it's easier for you to digest, my case is really one of those rare cases you'd ever come across.
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You said "USUAL guy". I don't think you want to look for one in your heart and mind. And since you can more or less predict the next step the USUAL guy lamenting at your holding back, you know he is not really for you. He is not patient, not understanding, and not trusting enough. You have saved yourself some trouble that way. Part of testing temperature in the pool.Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:Of cos not! Once bitten, twice shy. Alarm bells will ring if things seem too good to be true in a brand new r/s. Hope the guy on the other end in this new r/s will not try to hurry and convince the girl of his love before she is ready. But then the prob will be, when the girl expresses her need to hold back, dun the USUAL guy express some form of frustrations and finally screw things up by having some big quarrels AND THEN lament in a sarcastic way
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Thus the careful need for you to check the person out and understand him more before deciding should you want to bring the relationship up one level. You find out is he late habitually? Does he has the tendancy to cancel the date altogether if he met some friend halfway? Is he an amazing spender?Originally posted by smudgey:hmmmm....
the above mentioned examples are just what i thought up, the purpose is that, even when a friend and a partner do the same thing, or make the same mistake, we react differently, this is because they have a different 'status' friend, and partner.
with this different status, comes with different expectation, different reaction.
likewise, when both friend and partner do something sweet for us, we are touched by both.... but on different levels....
So many things yet our desires to "have that person" cloud our rational judgement and seduce us to go ahead without really thinking more. Its like you buy a policy without looking at the terms and conditions. -
What's so sad about watching movies by yourself...?Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:In fact, the answer is no.
The sad actuality is that I spent the next 6 months watching movies all by myself...
If not, why don't find friends to watch with ya? -
Yes... An 'expectation' factor..?Originally posted by smudgey:hmmmm....
the above mentioned examples are just what i thought up, the purpose is that, even when a friend and a partner do the same thing, or make the same mistake, we react differently, this is because they have a different 'status' friend, and partner.
with this different status, comes with different expectation, different reaction.
likewise, when both friend and partner do something sweet for us, we are touched by both.... but on different levels....
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Originally posted by smudgey:+1
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But sometimes the terms and conditions might come in such small fine prints that you could have hardly noticed at all...?Originally posted by Bontakun:Thus the careful need for you to check the person out and understand him more before deciding should you want to bring the relationship up one level. You find out is he late habitually? Does he has the tendancy to cancel the date altogether if he met some friend halfway? Is he an amazing spender?
So many things yet our desires to "have that person" cloud our rational judgement and seduce us to go ahead without really thinking more. Its like you buy a policy without looking at the terms and conditions. -
Originally posted by Bontakun:Thus the careful need for you to check the person out and understand him more before deciding should you want to bring the relationship up one level. You find out is he late habitually? Does he has the tendancy to cancel the date altogether if he met some friend halfway? Is he an amazing spender?
So many things yet our desires to "have that person" cloud our rational judgement and seduce us to go ahead without really thinking more. Its like you buy a policy without looking at the terms and conditions.
Both of what Bontakun and Devil have mentioned are true....Originally posted by Devil1976:But sometimes the terms and conditions might come in such small fine prints that you could have hardly noticed at all...?
there's no fool-proof way in deciding whether the relationship you are contemplating in starting will last. it's very much trial and error....
hehehe
so bottomline..... eyes must open big big.... -
Hi dude, i hv been in ur shoes in the past, but look at the brighter side u will find that she not the one for u
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Ah... you see something within something which means what you see in the person you also have to make the extra effort to see the fine print within a person.Originally posted by Devil1976:But sometimes the terms and conditions might come in such small fine prints that you could have hardly noticed at all...?
Ultimately, whether you want to check the person or just go ahead... You make the decision and stick with it. The crux is: you DECIDE. -
SmudgeOriginally posted by smudgey:hmmm...
doko, your pt "if people want to get together, they can if they want to" is very true....
look at our grandparent's era, our great grandparent's era, where marriage partners were chosen by their parents..... where some only first set eyes on their partners on their wedding day...
most of them made it work. they stayed together all their lives.... but are they truely happy? maybe..... maybe not...
They made it work because they had no choice. they were taught not to expect passion, love, etc.
but ppl in our generation, we expect that. we expect our love to be strong, passionate, and the I-want-no-one-else-but-you love. IS that wrong?
no.
your examples on couples from diff backgrounds, religion, race, etc... well they probably have that. and when you have that, when you are certain that this is the man/woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with, most (not all) differences can be worked through.
so what is the key??? the key is the love. if the love is deep enough, strong enough, most are willing to go through all sorts of trouble, difficulties, etc to stay together.
incompatability, that is a prob when something that both parties cannot/unwilling to compromise on. why? maybe because the love is not strong enough...
I don't know where you get the idea they were taught not to expect any passion. Well, it could be but even if they were taught not to expect any passion, you think all of them would believe they could not love naturally? Passion is instinctual and always will be. After some time, the passion naturally dies off. I believe they couldn't give much care less about passion in the long run though because survivability is the key issue here.
People last time had responsibilities and were more traditional. The man would find a lady he loved and of course, hopefully, a lady who loved him. He would become a father who would earn a keep for the family while the woman stayed home and did the household chores and cooking.
The husband held a lot of power in the family and earned a lot of respect from the woman. The man was respected as a head and as a fatherly figure. Women's role in those days were supposed to support the man, at least morally. This mindset was carried over even in our parents' generation.
Now? Everyone had about the same rights due to democracy and the most important thing that holds them together is this word called passion. The higher the passion, the longer the relationship. When both parties are madly in love with each other, they could see a long term plan for each other. They couldn't see through each party's personality's flaws and then they rush into marriage.
Alas, when the love of one side has faded, their loyalty starts to waver and they begin to conjure reasons why they cannot be together. Oh, she could not trust him or he could not trust her or other sorts of funny reasons, other than the passion was not there which by the way is actually the main reason why the relationship could not work out. Other side reasons include insecurity, mistrust and clinginess.
So, to add on, they key to a loving relationship is not only about deep love for each other, but also a sense of deep responsibility for a long-term relationship. No one is perfect. But working out is not easy as evident in so many examples. It's easy to say but hard to do. And it sounds like you are not confident in trusting a person completely to be your life partner. Well, I have an advice for you. Know what you want in a life partner, not just the passion/chemistry.
Best of luck to finding your Prince Charming.
doko -
Which turns out to be something you don't like ?Originally posted by blu_sky:Maybe. Or it could be, i juz knew a part of him which i never did in the past? God knows.
doko -
I know women are very particular about trust issues but greenribbon's thread was another story because it was made complicated due to the fact that she also betrayed his trust by seeing another man? Talk about trust. Both parties are wrong and even more wrong when they get married, whent the fundamental problems are there.Originally posted by blu_sky:ah.... there are so many aspects of a relationship that require trust! like wat was stated in greenribbon's thread, finance, trust that he/she will be there for you and etc and etc and etc. there are so many, you know?
ok, thats all i'll like to contribute on your this qn. cos i think no matter how much i talk and illustrate here, some things in life needs life experience and maturity to understand. Guess you might have to go through yourself you understand! of cos open-mindedness is needed. otherwise, no matter what happens, when something bad happens n you juz gonna attribute it to 3rd parties, you still wont learn much in life.
What Im trying to say is you may think trust is important to you. But what you are missing out is from the man's side. Does the woman earn his trust as well? And as you know, I try to speak up for the man if possible, unless he is wrong.
Your talk about being open-minded all that, ok, well I agree but you have to be fair on both sides. These are things you never seem to mention.
Note: Im not trying to say it's your fault or his fault because I don't know your story and if you don't want to bring it up it's ok.
doko -
Ok thank goodness and Im sorry to hear that.Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:In fact, the answer is no.
The sad actuality is that I spent the next 6 months watching movies all by myself...
doko -
Yah how?Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:So in this case, isnÂ’t the guy strangling the girl too?
Just a heartfelt suggestion.
By doing the dumping?
doko -
You did have feelings but they were not high enough to prevent the breakup? You know what? The girls I know who love their boyfriend too much can't bear to breakup. Blu_sky and smudgey failed to answer my question solidly. Who determines what's right for the future? They gave answers but they never seem to clear up. It's all about compromising differences if the love is there, isn't it?Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:You are wrong in this stance, I did hv feelings for him during those agonising period for abt 2 years? even after I proclaim the break. I shall not go into details AGAIN but simply to say, I really dun see any future in the r/s.
As much as you've been trying to quote girls on the general (though amg my buddies, it's like the exact opposite), perhaps if it's easier for you to digest, my case is really one of those rare cases you'd ever come across.
Then again, I don't want to say it's your fault or his fault because I don't know your story but I do hope it's fair for both sides, not just from your point of view. After all, everyone thinks they are right.
doko -
You are the missing the point, totally. But it is okay for me.Originally posted by dokono:I know women are very particular about trust issues but greenribbon's thread was another story because it was made complicated due to the fact that she also betrayed his trust by seeing another man? Talk about trust. Both parties are wrong and even more wrong when they get married, whent the fundamental problems are there.
What Im trying to say is you may think trust is important to you. But what you are missing out is from the man's side. Does the woman earn his trust as well? And as you know, I try to speak up for the man if possible, unless he is wrong.
Your talk about being open-minded all that, ok, well I agree but you have to be fair on both sides. These are things you never seem to mention.
Note: Im not trying to say it's your fault or his fault because I don't know your story and if you don't want to bring it up it's ok.
doko -
No one can teach you if you do not have an open mind. Let life teach you then.Originally posted by dokono:You did have feelings but they were not high enough to prevent the breakup? You know what? The girls I know who love their boyfriend too much can't bear to breakup. Blu_sky and smudgey failed to answer my question solidly. Who determines what's right for the future? They gave answers but they never seem to clear up. It's all about compromising differences if the love is there, isn't it?
Then again, I don't want to say it's your fault or his fault because I don't know your story but I do hope it's fair for both sides, not just from your point of view. After all, everyone thinks they are right.
doko
A fool never learn from his mistakes.
A smart guy learns from his mistakes.
The smartest guy learns from others' mistakes.
Cheers. -
Could you elaborate?Originally posted by blu_sky:You are the missing the point, totally. But it is okay for me.
doko -
Having an open mind doesn't mean I must agree right? haha..Originally posted by blu_sky:No one can teach you if you do not have an open mind. Let life teach you then.
A fool never learn from his mistakes.
A smart guy learns from his mistakes.
The smartest guy learns from others' mistakes.
Cheers.
Anyway, what's the point of this quote? To show that you have much more wisdom? (which by the way I do think so)
doko -
The point was never whose fault it is when a relationship cant work anymore.Originally posted by dokono:Could you elaborate?
doko