how could she? this so heartless~
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Before I continue, perhaps you might like to see my history on AA here
--> http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=202058
Thanks MCSquare, Devil, Yunhaier & all the other forumners contributing their precious opinions then. Arigato.
The quote in red was wat happened the last time. I'm nvr gonna let it happen again.
Originally posted by Devil1976:
What's so sad about watching movies by yourself...?
If not, why don't find friends to watch with ya?[/quote]
Dun worry Devil. I hv moved on. Now I hv decent friends to go watch movies with me. Not some lame sleazy guys ya?
I still do. Am looking and searching. Hv zoom down on this one particular guy. I think he's respectful, caring and dedicated. Just hv to get over myself, whether I shd go for it straight away (erm my last r/s to me ended not too long ago considering it's a marriage and there's ancillary stuff issues still to be settled) or keep looking. I dun wanna put myself in the same situation again whereby I commit myself too soon. Afterall, I'm looking for a life partner. Not a playmate just to accompany you when ur bored. I take my marriage seriously. If not, it wldnt hv lasted this long cos there are people around me who's given me views like had it been they themselves, the marriage wld not hv even lasted more than a year!
Originally posted by Bontakun:
You said "USUAL guy". I don't think you want to look for one in your heart and mind. And since you can more or less predict the next step the USUAL guy lamenting at your holding back, you know he is not really for you. He is not patient, not understanding, and not trusting enough. You have saved yourself some trouble that way. Part of testing temperature in the pool.
Originally posted by Bontakun:Thus the careful need for you to check the person out and understand him more before deciding should you want to bring the relationship up one level. You find out is he late habitually? Does he has the tendancy to cancel the date altogether if he met some friend halfway? Is he an amazing spender?
So many things yet our desires to "have that person" cloud our rational judgement and seduce us to go ahead without really thinking more. Its like you buy a policy without looking at the terms and conditions.
This is also very true. Even up to the end of our r/s, I still stumble upon random new discoveries! Being together for 7 - 8 years, there's still this much of him that I dunno and still shock me speechless. You may call it his deceit or revealing his true colors or me dumb or wat, but it's brought me down to almost snapping my sanity.
Originally posted by smudgey:
Both of what Bontakun and Devil have mentioned are true....
there's no fool-proof way in deciding whether the relationship you are contemplating in starting will last. it's very much trial and error....
hehehe
so bottomline..... eyes must open big big....
This is wat I'm the most afraid of. You see, I do not walk into a marriage (nor do anyone I believe, be it a marriage or a proper r/s), thinking of wanting out in the future. I take my vows solemnly and really believe in sticking out in the very end. I hope I can really see all fine prints in a person beforehand but then again, sometimes u wont know until you're in the r/s itself.
Originally posted by Bontakun:
Ah... you see something within something which means what you see in the person you also have to make the extra effort to see the fine print within a person.
Ultimately, whether you want to check the person or just go ahead... You make the decision and stick with it. The crux is: you DECIDE.
[quote]Originally posted by dokono:
Yah how?
By doing the dumping?
doko
Hear my story doko. As much as I think I can reveal...
Originally posted by dokono:
You did have feelings but they were not high enough to prevent the breakup? You know what? The girls I know who love their boyfriend too much can't bear to breakup. Blu_sky and smudgey failed to answer my question solidly. Who determines what's right for the future? They gave answers but they never seem to clear up. It's all about compromising differences if the love is there, isn't it?
Then again, I don't want to say it's your fault or his fault because I don't know your story but I do hope it's fair for both sides, not just from your point of view. After all, everyone thinks they are right.
doko -
Then it all boils down to you making the decision to do it or not. When I thought about wanting to know much about the person before I make a move, how much is "know much" as how someone here (sorry forgot who~) posted this before will be enough for me to decide? Maybe it takes 1 day to decide? Or 1 decade?Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:This is wat I'm the most afraid of. You see, I do not walk into a marriage (nor do anyone I believe, be it a marriage or a proper r/s), thinking of wanting out in the future. I take my vows solemnly and really believe in sticking out in the very end. I hope I can really see all fine prints in a person beforehand but then again, sometimes u wont know until you're in the r/s itself.
Unless the 2 find some common point and a common faith, then it may be a little shakey when committing to the relationship because there is nothing to hold onto besides the feelings for each other which I might add, can be fluctuating at times as to how most of those troubled have posted here described. -
I had a broken family. Then I met this guy when I was very young and fell head over heels in love with him and he did too. But somehow, many things werenÂ’t quite right. Example, he wld be able to treat me to dinner and all lavishly in the beginning of the month whereas towards the end, I wasnÂ’t even able to get a drink (of normal beverages like soft drink) out from him. Fast forward the story, I was married, pregnant. Had to give up my studies. My dad looked down upon him and refused to give any support. His mother was one kind of a money-faced and I wld be thankful if she didnÂ’t leech on us though of cos I do ustand to support our parents is an act of filial piety but we were down in our worst times. He had a job that didnÂ’t pay him very well and I was living off my savings which werenÂ’t much to begin with.
Agreed.
Originally posted by dokono:
Now? Everyone had about the same rights due to democracy and the most important thing that holds them together is this word called passion. The higher the passion, the longer the relationship. When both parties are madly in love with each other, they could see a long term plan for each other. They couldn't see through each party's personality's flaws and then they rush into marriage.
Fast fast forward the story. I begin my 1st job right after my 2 months confinement after my pregnancy. I had to abandon all tots of future studies as I did not hv any money and cldnt depend on anyone else (not even my ex) for my household expenditure. My ex? Apart fr the nominal (itÂ’s really a pittance) household allowance I had received fr him twice during my pregnancy, all throughout the 7/8 years of our marriage, he had not contributed a single cent. Be it from the groceries, my and his transportation, food, bills from rent & PS, town council, CPF housing deduction etc when afterwards I got my own HDB flat, nanny (to take care of my kid) then subsequent maidÂ’s sal and her levy, misc etc etc, I was the sole contributor. I gave him allowance instead so that he cld survive to look for more jobs. It nvr did occur to me strange when he cldnt settle down a stable job. And ea time he had failed, I wld encouraged him all over again even though as the yearsÂ’ passed, it kinda gets very demoralizing actually. Then it began to dawn on me his flawed character traits. Is this love? I began to question myself. Yea, when IÂ’m around in the house, he wld appear all so loving and he love his child fiercely. But which loving husband can bear to see his wife suffer (those initial days were horrible, I can go w/o proper meals just so to make sure ends meet) and still go on abt without this urgency to tie down any job? I didnÂ’t ask much of him. Even some McDonaldÂ’s crew or so wld do, just to tie down one decent job with a stable income to help me out so that he can support himself at the very least and IF possible, help out the family. But he turned up his nose and scoffed at those jobs. It has been a battle within myself constantly. Did he really love me like what he had proclaimed? Many other things happened meanwhile which I shant go into details.
I believe this is when my side of the love start to fadeÂ…
Originally posted by dokono:
Alas, when the love of one side has faded, their loyalty starts to waver and they begin to conjure reasons why they cannot be together. Oh, she could not trust him or he could not trust her or other sorts of funny reasons, other than the passion was not there which by the way is actually the main reason why the relationship could not work out. Other side reasons include insecurity, mistrust and clinginess.
Originally posted by dokono:
You did have feelings but they were not high enough to prevent the breakup? You know what? The girls I know who love their boyfriend too much can't bear to breakup.
How I wished to tell the then me in my earlier years of youth to just give up!
Originally posted by Bontakun:
Thus the careful need for you to check the person out and understand him more before deciding should you want to bring the relationship up one level. You find out is he late habitually? Does he has the tendancy to cancel the date altogether if he met some friend halfway? Is he an amazing spender?
So many things yet our desires to "have that person" cloud our rational judgement and seduce us to go ahead without really thinking more. Its like you buy a policy without looking at the terms and conditions.
To this date, even though weÂ’re no longer together, I hv not heard anything like offering any sum of money to give me so that it wld ease me to support our child. In fact on some occasions, heÂ’s gotta borrow fr me some petty sum to tide him over and even though heÂ’s said that he wld returned, he nvr did and I nvr pursue. Initially as well, he did express his vehement interest to gain custody of our child & we had had many unhappy episodes over this. I cant bear to think what wld happen if he had our child and perhaps heÂ’ll be running back to me for our childÂ’s misc when in reality I wanted him out of my life for good. Friends? Sure I can be friend with him, but only if no interest of gains are involved. But at the looks of it, I wld say itÂ’s hard. WeÂ’ve yet to settle the ancillary matters in case if ur wondering.
Feelings? Who doesnÂ’t hv them? In fact on off on occasions, via sms, heÂ’s proclaimed that he still loves me and think abt me. What actions then? Nil. Feelings? Me? GoshÂ… thatÂ’s y IÂ’ve said, itÂ’s been a tough 6 months for me while weÂ’re no longer living together anymore. But thatÂ’s all in the pastÂ…
Originally posted by dokono:
You did have feelings but they were not high enough to prevent the breakup? You know what? The girls I know who love their boyfriend too much can't bear to breakup.Originally posted by dokono:
I hope that the other guy I was talking abt wld be someone I cld entrust myself to. Then againÂ… too soon? Love is so scary when it tries to knock on your door too soon. Shd I keep looking? Shd I settle? I am not one who just dump people you know! Then again, I wld say if needed be, having been thru wat IÂ’ve been thru, break-ups are essential. On the other hand I wld like to reiterate, I am not one who takes r/s lightly.
So, to add on, the key to a loving relationship is not only about deep love for each other, but also a sense of deep responsibility for a long-term relationship. No one is perfect. But working out is not easy as evident in so many examples. It's easy to say but hard to do. And it sounds like you are not confident in trusting a person completely to be your life partner. Well, I have an advice for you. Know what you want in a life partner, not just the passion/chemistry.
Best of luck to finding your Prince Charming.
doko -
That post wasn't directly pointing at you... Was more in a general sense..?Originally posted by Bontakun:Then its up to me to decide loh. She refused to clean, see I accept or give up. BUT since I have already decided to be with her, I am sticking to it no matter what. Even if there will come a time when my faith in the relationship may be shaken, I will still find hope in it and persevere along with her.
Me being critical? Hmm... maybe I find other people to show me what am I critical about. Afterall, I am willing to learn more and change for the better. Too bad I dunno how to sing the Robbie Williams "Better man" song.
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Same sentiment. If not, I wld not hv raised my pov.
Originally posted by dokono:
Having an open mind doesn't mean I must agree right? haha..
doko
I dun wanna blame him. ThereÂ’s been a period of time whereby blame was trying to rest its finger on either side. But thatÂ’s not the whole point abt r/s. Even as I present to u my side of the story, I hope to just let it be.
Originally posted by blu_sky:
The point was never whose fault it is when a relationship cant work anymore.Originally posted by dokono:
Well, IÂ’ve told you my story.
I did mention it, didn't I? Because I don't know what happened? Could be his fault for not treating you well? Or vice versa?
It depends. There is a reason why it could not work out. There's always a reason for everything. It could be insecurity issues, neediness, jealousy, mistrust, etc from either or both sides, thus leading to the downfall of the relationship.
dokoOriginally posted by sunny6110:
I hope so. *doubtful* but if you dun feel, thatÂ’s not love too right?
Agreed... in a relationship... Juz FEELÂ…
No matter what has happened, yeah, no rights and wrongs bah. The once nanny of my child’s said, “It’s just your destiny…”
Originally posted by Devil1976:
So what if 'love' is there? 'Love' doesn't tell you the difference between 'right' and 'wrong'...
Who's to determine what's 'right' for the relationship's future..? Both parties actually.. It's like a 'shareholder' thing... A relationship won't work if it solely or mainly satisfy one party.. As long as one party feels that he / she is not getting enough of anything, insecurity creeps in and 'break point' is just a personal decision over time...?
So what if you know girls who would love their bf so much that they can't break up with them...? I've known religious people who believes their religion SO MUCH that NO MATTER WHAT.. They simply won't give up on it. So can you do kindly tell me.... Based on these facts of 'love' and 'trust' alone... That they're doing the 'right' thing
Thank you
Originally posted by dokono:
Best of luck to finding your Prince Charming.
doko
And p/s: when I first started out in this forum, I didnt know there was another udonknowme (is it this nick?) I'm sorry if I came across as imitating the identity of this person when in actual fact, I'm really just another individual trying to be anonymous, hence i chose this nickname. I heard that he's a guy anyway. I'm the female version
It's cool to share dif view points by the way. -
Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:
Hope you're doing FINE NOW!
Dun worry Devil. I hv moved on. Now I hv decent friends to go watch movies with me. Not some lame sleazy guys ya? -
x2Originally posted by Devil1976:Hope you're doing FINE NOW! -
I see you have quite a history. At least better than my mum at that time, in some ways but not others...Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:To this date, even though weÂ’re no longer together, I hv not heard anything like offering any sum of money to give me so that it wld ease me to support our child. In fact on some occasions, heÂ’s gotta borrow fr me some petty sum to tide him over and even though heÂ’s said that he wld returned, he nvr did and I nvr pursue. Initially as well, he did express his vehement interest to gain custody of our child & we had had many unhappy episodes over this. I cant bear to think what wld happen if he had our child and perhaps heÂ’ll be running back to me for our childÂ’s misc when in reality I wanted him out of my life for good. Friends? Sure I can be friend with him, but only if no interest of gains are involved. But at the looks of it, I wld say itÂ’s hard. WeÂ’ve yet to settle the ancillary matters in case if ur wondering.
You really need the support from your family to raise the child. Nevermind if he is able to get the custody or not, this is not within your control to decide who gets to be with the kid. Focus more on how are you going to raise your child up well.
Coming up from a broken family myself, I know how much my mother went through at that time and I am glad it did not turned out worse. At least I wasn't raised to be some spoilt brat or bad dude. I even learnt alot on how to be a good and filial child to my mum.
I hope my proof of my life from a broken family can help to encourage you not to give up on anything.
As for this new guy whom you are still deciding whether to go ahead or not. Take more time if you are unsure. No one is forcing you. Maybe you can talk to him about your concerns when its comfortable for you to do so.
I oso general mah, but need to give an example of what I would do because not all do da same as moi.Originally posted by Devil1976:That post wasn't directly pointing at you... Was more in a general sense..? 
-
x3Originally posted by M©+square:x2 -
Can I?.Originally posted by Devil1976:You sounds like my grandfather or something...?
doko -
x4Originally posted by Bontakun:x3 -
I agree with your first two paragraphs.Originally posted by Devil1976:So what if 'love' is there? 'Love' doesn't tell you the difference between 'right' and 'wrong'...
Who's to determine what's 'right' for the relationship's future..? Both parties actually.. It's like a 'shareholder' thing... A relationship won't work if it solely or mainly satisfy one party.. As long as one party feels that he / she is not getting enough of anything, insecurity creeps in and 'break point' is just a personal decision over time...?
So what if you know girls who would love their bf so much that they can't break up with them...? I've known religious people who believes their religion SO MUCH that NO MATTER WHAT.. They simply won't give up on it. So can you do kindly tell me.... Based on these facts of 'love' and 'trust' alone... That they're doing the 'right' thing
But for your second paragraph, why is one party feeling that he/she is not getting enough? It could be he/she lacks the self-esteem and such people have to be avoided because they will always be clingy because they need constant attention unless they are secure themselves. So who's to blame? The insecure person, of course.
Love can actually be simple if people know deep down they love each other through their non-verbal actions without sticking to each other too much and without saying the 3 words too much.
About religious people, there are no absolute guarantees that they will stick to their beliefs strictly when it comes to love. It's just that they can't find someone they like enough. If they can find someone they like so much, they might even like to be with someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as them. When people fall madly in love, they just can't help it. Of course, when the passion goes away, things might revert back to the original position. And then they will say they are incompatible when they break up.
My point for mentioning girls who love their boyfriend a lot that they can't bear to break up is to let you know that love can make a rational person become irrational. The person can't think properly or see straight. Making the other person happy makes them happy and they feel they are doing the right thing. It's like when you have a deep crush for someone.
doko -
me too.Originally posted by Devil1976:You'll get used to it...
doko -
It's ok. I hope you can still challenge me.Originally posted by smudgey:hmmmm.... doko,
I think our views are just very different. we can look at the same thing but see a very different object....
hence i think shall leave it as that.
doko -
I really applaude those ppl in the arcade who challenge those playing in there. Put in 50¢ and then "Here comes a new challenger".Originally posted by dokono:It's ok. I hope you can still challenge me.
doko
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haha..."0 credit"..."insert coin"Originally posted by Bontakun:I really applaude those ppl in the arcade who challenge those playing in there. Put in 50¢ and then "Here comes a new challenger".
no challenge no fun
doko -
No $$$.Originally posted by dokono:haha..."0 credit"..."insert coin"
no challenge no fun
doko -
Originally posted by Devil1976:Hope you're doing FINE NOW! Originally posted by M©+square:x2 Originally posted by Bontakun:x3
Thank you! Thank you my lovelys! And also to whoever out there who feels for me, thank you!Originally posted by smudgey:x4
Am much better now definitely -
Yah I read your story. Your husband seems to be taking you for granted. That's when you begin to resent him.Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:Thank you! Thank you my lovelys! And also to whoever out there who feels for me, thank you!
Am much better now definitely
doko -
doko.... do u mind if i enquire about your age?Originally posted by dokono:Yah I read your story. Your husband seems to be taking you for granted. That's when you begin to resent him.
doko
I'm curious... -
Why do you want to know? My age is sensitive. haha.Originally posted by smudgey:doko.... do u mind if i enquire about your age?
I'm curious...
doko -
Originally posted by dokono:I agree with your first two paragraphs.
But for your second paragraph, why is one party feeling that he/she is not getting enough? It could be he/she lacks the self-esteem and such people have to be avoided because they will always be clingy because they need constant attention unless they are secure themselves. So who's to blame? The insecure person, of course.
Love can actually be simple if people know deep down they love each other through their non-verbal actions without sticking to each other too much and without saying the 3 words too much.
About religious people, there are no absolute guarantees that they will stick to their beliefs strictly when it comes to love. It's just that they can't find someone they like enough. If they can find someone they like so much, they might even like to be with someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as them. When people fall madly in love, they just can't help it. Of course, when the passion goes away, things might revert back to the original position. And then they will say they are incompatible when they break up.
My point for mentioning girls who love their boyfriend a lot that they can't bear to break up is to let you know that love can make a rational person become irrational. The person can't think properly or see straight. Making the other person happy makes them happy and they feel they are doing the right thing. It's like when you have a deep crush for someone.
doko
I don't really agree with that part; despite how long or deep a love someone has for another, I still think it's important to let the other person know that you do and not presume that he/she does?
Yes words is cheap... but who cares as long as you mean what you say?
I give thanks for everything good that came into my life; likewise, I would rather tell someone I love/appreciate him/her whenever I felt the vibes coming... or would you rather not able express your affection when he/she leave this world before you?
Two most difficult things in life to say:
'I am sorry...'
And
'I love you...'
Cheers -
'Could' is an ASSUMPTION... You should always be careful not to confuse an assumption with the truth.... They could very easily be 2 different things...Originally posted by dokono:I agree with your first two paragraphs.
But for your second paragraph, why is one party feeling that he/she is not getting enough? It could be he/she lacks the self-esteem and such people have to be avoided because they will always be clingy because they need constant attention unless they are secure themselves. So who's to blame? The insecure person, of course. -
I think you're missing my point again...?Originally posted by dokono:About religious people, there are no absolute guarantees that they will stick to their beliefs strictly when it comes to love. It's just that they can't find someone they like enough. If they can find someone they like so much, they might even like to be with someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as them. When people fall madly in love, they just can't help it. Of course, when the passion goes away, things might revert back to the original position. And then they will say they are incompatible when they break up. -
True enough...Originally posted by dokono:My point for mentioning girls who love their boyfriend a lot that they can't bear to break up is to let you know that love can make a rational person become irrational. The person can't think properly or see straight. Making the other person happy makes them happy and they feel they are doing the right thing. It's like when you have a deep crush for someone.