Is chastity still valued?
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Your bf is just the typical guy lor. On the surface act like heck care but actually hope that you still virgin. Typically, guys want their gf or wife to be virgins.Originally posted by kuri:I practise abstinence cos i believe in preserving my sexual purity for my spouse yet he finds it moral crap. mayb cos he's done it before, he says he doesnt bother bout his girl's past and the "chaste n innocent" girl doesnt appeal to him yet asked me at times whether i had done this done that before with other guys. barely a month ago he said no guy would want a no sex + non sexual relationship but he'll do it for me, now it's okie to no sex but not non sexual. when i explained to him my reasons for abstinence n why i was a lil mindful of his past he told me i should hav told him earlier n prevent him from falling for me. how did he not hav a clue? when he knew shortly after we started going out that i did not even give my first kiss to my ex-bf?
to me i've alr given a lot to him, to him it's not enough. if he doesnt value chastity at all then why did he even bother to ask if he's the first one i kissed etc? n to think he once said that my ex shouldnt b upset that he hadnt got a kiss from me. wat a joke. isnt it contradicting? wat is he thinking really?
is chastity still valued in today's society? just curious to know ppl's opinions, but regardless of what they r i'll still stick to my principle of abstinence from sex before marriage as i think it's the best for me, at least for wat i could think of this moment in time.
Funny thing is that despite so, quite a number of them went around deflowering virgins. And then they turn around and complain about their gf and spouses not being virgins or that girls nowadays losing moral blah blah blah. They seem to have totally forgotten the part they've played in it. The way they coerced the girls into sex in the name of love. And I mean it by the most typical cases. What I've said don't apply to the really decent boys and the immoral girls who doesn't give a heck to their chaste by sleeping around.
Personally, I think chastity is very important and I hail your decision in this matter. Don't give in lor. If he wants more than what he gets now, you will know the kind of hypocrite he really is.
The truth is, many guys want their girl to be chaste but it all goes down to the way they act about it. Your boyfriend isn't making a great impression, unfortunately. No offense but he stinks a little to me. -
Originally posted by kuri:Hi sadly i am back here again. the past few weeks he's been boasting to me he downloaded lines of porn so excitedly to have release it's CONSTANTLY REMINDING ME I CANT SATISFY HIM. it hurts my feelings. i told him i understand he has his needs but could he be more sensitive to my feelings as well. of cos it hurts to feel so inadequate to someone u love. he says if he's the one who cant satisfies me he has no qualms bout me doing that as well. YA RITE. sometimes i wish i could curse that he has erectile dsyfunction oneday n i would tell him bout bout getting hots from porn n stuff he can try how it feels like. i wasnt even saying he cant watch porn just he really NEED NOT MENTION it to me all the time such that it's becoming a pain. after some squabbling he goes like "Fine.Everything also go ur way.". seems like he hasnt understood me.
i also curse my ex to become impotent.
nvm lor, he wants to use psychological tactic huh?
buy those hunks magazines, everytime flip in front of him, tell him 'wah this guy got such a good body', 'wah he's so sexy' etc etc.. spite him back.
tmd if i got a bf like that, i'll really become a sassy girlfriend.
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thank you too fellow stranger.Originally posted by Bontakun:Take your time. Frankly speaking, I think your guy is crap.
However, you love him and that should be the basis of sticking to it and helping him to be a better person. It will be hard on you initially. I do think his mentioning of the 'porn' stuffs are some hints for you to offer yourself to him, BUT you have a mind of your own.
You should decide what is in the best interest of yourself and him.
I do thank you though for sharing part of your life with us, strangers. We will back you up when you need support.
it's a strange phase of my life too.
i m really so tired. a month or two perhaps three may seem like a flash in the pan to most but at times it felt like i/we've been thru too much alr it's time i/we should just end the 'prolonged' misery and pain. yet my feelings for him kept nudging me on whenever there's a glimpse of hope. he told me give him some more time to adjust to me and that things will get better eventually dun pass a verdict on him before he could prove himself. the struggles with my head and my heart ended up in this proposition i told myself, that i would give him a few months if we could survive there. but if then things r still the way they r as it is now i'll have to bite the bullet and make myself wake up to the reality that we simply cant b happy together. -
Good for you.. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and he.. wears his pen.is on his head..Originally posted by kuri:thank you too fellow stranger.
it's a strange phase of my life too.
i m really so tired. a month or two perhaps three may seem like a flash in the pan to most but at times it felt like i/we've been thru too much alr it's time i/we should just end the 'prolonged' misery and pain. yet my feelings for him kept nudging me on whenever there's a glimpse of hope. he told me give him some more time to adjust to me and that things will get better eventually dun pass a verdict on him before he could prove himself. the struggles with my head and my heart ended up in this proposition i told myself, that i would give him a few months if we could survive there. but if then things r still the way they r as it is now i'll have to bite the bullet and make myself wake up to the reality that we simply cant b happy together.
Anyway.. Not all guys are like that..
I'm sure you'll find someone who understands you. -
Don't be afraid to dump him. A boy who indulges in porno is worthless trash.Originally posted by kuri:but if then things r still the way they r as it is now i'll have to bite the bullet and make myself wake up to the reality that we simply cant b happy together.
I have purposely used the word 'boy' instead of 'man'. -
so...um..Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:Don't be afraid to dump him. A boy who indulges in porno is worthless trash.
I have purposely used the word 'boy' instead of 'man'.
a boy becomes a 'man' after he had sex? -
lol. he's had sex and that's why he's feels so despondent in this relationship which doesnt have it in the package. this led to his increased indulgence in porn. so ya... ur trying to become a man by doing the deed? so that's no rite of passage, lil boy? sorry dont take it to offense just cant help poking fun at a thought even more so naive than the ones i had, which is rare.Originally posted by alexkusu:so...um..
a boy becomes a 'man' after he had sex?
i must say this relationship deconstructed a lot of presumptions and ideals or perhaps he would like to call it, "naivety" i had bout BGR previously. -
My point of view: A boy becomes a man when he knows what he did and is capable of taking responsibilities for what he has done and holds accountable for, NOT when he goes to pre-maritial sex in bed and come out deflowered.
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as per previous advice, dump the guy.
from his actions he is obviously not respectinig your stand and is trying to make you feel guilty about it... -
The point is... Is he really trying something which would 'better' the relationship...? Rather than JUST trying to BRAINWASH you OVER to HIS MENTALITY ALONE...?Originally posted by kuri:thank you too fellow stranger.
it's a strange phase of my life too.
i m really so tired. a month or two perhaps three may seem like a flash in the pan to most but at times it felt like i/we've been thru too much alr it's time i/we should just end the 'prolonged' misery and pain. yet my feelings for him kept nudging me on whenever there's a glimpse of hope. he told me give him some more time to adjust to me and that things will get better eventually dun pass a verdict on him before he could prove himself. the struggles with my head and my heart ended up in this proposition i told myself, that i would give him a few months if we could survive there. but if then things r still the way they r as it is now i'll have to bite the bullet and make myself wake up to the reality that we simply cant b happy together.
Basically, I feel that both of you are looking for a different 'form' of relationship... And seems like neither party is willing to let go of their own mindset... Not like I'm trying to say if either one is a 'good' or 'bad' mindset.. But the real point is.. 'Sex' can be quite a crucial part of a relationship especially for some people like your bf....?
I feel that you should perhaps find some time to ask him STRAIGHT in his face...? It's either SEX or ME? Which one you choose
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have asked similar questions before. so i'm sure his answer would be me.Originally posted by Devil1976:I feel that you should perhaps find some time to ask him STRAIGHT in his face...? It's either SEX or ME? Which one you choose
but it's just the ways he's trying to cope with it that's giving each other so much pain. i hav asked him if it's so painful to him why not just let go, he believes it's the initial phase n we'd b fine after that. ytd he lamented that only if i were older things would b easier my mindset would hav been different. perhaps our needs n life might be more compatiable i m not very sure either so i told him if he really feels that way why not breakup first he can go find somebody esle or seek his own gratifications a few years later we'll see if we still want to work out smt with each other. he said if he could bring himself to put me aside or leave me n seek his gratifications he wouldnt be in this situation now, his feelings for me are too strong. i dun know if it's going to work out ultimately but i guess both of us r still holding on n too relectant to let go. guess perhaps only time could really tell. -
No. Bontakun answers this question well.Originally posted by alexkusu:so...um..
a boy becomes a 'man' after he had sex?
IMHO, true manhood cannot be merely measured by a man's sexual prowess but by his ability to discipline and control himself.Originally posted by Bontakun:My point of view: A boy becomes a man when he knows what he did and is capable of taking responsibilities for what he has done and holds accountable for, NOT when he goes to pre-maritial sex in bed and come out deflowered. -
And how long are we talking about here?Originally posted by kuri:guess perhaps only time could really tell.
Years? Months? He couldnÂ’t tell.
You see where the problem is now?
He couldnÂ’t tell!!
You kept thinking he doesnÂ’t understand. He understands! Just like most people here understands what you are trying to do.
Understanding and compromising are different. Understanding is simple.
A compromise takes much more.
All that discipline and control requires belief in something.
It requires faith in something.
In this case, something that may or may not happen.
You are in your comfort zone. He isnÂ’t.
Think about a situation where there is something you need.
The sheer thought that you might wait for years for it and still not get it, is something that can drives a person insane.
Compromising is very difficult when he couldnÂ’t tell when the wait will be over.
The purpose of my post is not to suggest how to solve this problem. I have no answers. I think itÂ’s a mismatch in the first place.
The only solution is a compromise.
I hope that person will not be you. I think virgins are cool and deserve multiple high fives.
But I hope to give you a post to help you understand why he is pulling those moves because from what I read so far, so many people here labeled him as worthless without looking from his perspective.
ItÂ’s going to take a lot of inner struggle from him to give you what you want. -
i understand his pain. whenever i see him struggling my heart aches badly but what can i do? compromise i'm not ready for the consquences and no matter how much passion there is now i dun want to live to regret it. furthermore with the rocky state of things, at the back of my mind there's a voice that tells me i really need to be holding back, there r too many uncertainities whether this will work out. and to me any level of physical intimacy needs to be matched with the same depth of emotional intimacy. that's why i feel my sexual purity is as much as possible best preserved for my spouse. i dun want to end up having sex with him in the foolish hope that it solve matters and stablise our relationship. i love him but i'm reminding myself consciously no matter how much that may seem like a quick way out it doesnt work that way.Originally posted by curiousOrange:ItÂ’s going to take a lot of inner struggle from him to give you what you want. -
Don't stop there... Do a follow-up questioning like "action speaks louder than words" then...?Originally posted by kuri:have asked similar questions before. so i'm sure his answer would be me.
but it's just the ways he's trying to cope with it that's giving each other so much pain. i hav asked him if it's so painful to him why not just let go, he believes it's the initial phase n we'd b fine after that. ytd he lamented that only if i were older things would b easier my mindset would hav been different. perhaps our needs n life might be more compatiable i m not very sure either so i told him if he really feels that way why not breakup first he can go find somebody esle or seek his own gratifications a few years later we'll see if we still want to work out smt with each other. he said if he could bring himself to put me aside or leave me n seek his gratifications he wouldnt be in this situation now, his feelings for me are too strong. i dun know if it's going to work out ultimately but i guess both of us r still holding on n too relectant to let go. guess perhaps only time could really tell.
Are you okie with things like petting and such? Maybe can try those as substitutes, but you must make sure the environment and such make it not quite possible for both of you to end up with sex lor... -
Its plausible to try those, but still very easy to fall into temptations. There is no guarantee they 2 will stop at these given very 'enticing' and 'seducing' situations which pop up later.Originally posted by Devil1976:Don't stop there... Do a follow-up questioning like "action speaks louder than words" then...?
Are you okie with things like petting and such? Maybe can try those as substitutes, but you must make sure the environment and such make it not quite possible for both of you to end up with sex lor...
Guys, can I ask for all of you peeps for help as I hold accountable to what I said and about to say, and you peeps be my witnesses regarding this?
I feel that Kuri and the BF are still not ready for this relationship. Reading her post, we all can see its not going so well as her BF is struggling with past relationships and sex in general and it is affecting Kuri as well.
What I propose may be radical and might cause some arguements, but I feel its for da better sake of both you and your BF: take a break from each other. Stop meeting each other and take the time alone to re-access and re-evaluate your values and beliefs. Kuri to reflect and rethink on her commitment and love for the BF. Kuri's BF to reflect and rethink on his mindset on sex and purity with regards to Kuri. (These are but a few of many more things to reflect upon)
When you 2 have taken enough time to sort things out (love and commitment), let go of some (deep sexual urge) and reinforce other beliefs (chastity) which will benefit both parties, meet up again and have a good talk about it. -
+1
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Sex is not a solution to any problem. It WILL only bring more problems.
Do not use emotional intimacy as a level of guidance for physical intimacy. Rather, stay true to your own beliefs. Emotional intimacy could be momentarily and could be the way he plays into your pants.
Purity and chasity are values still highly regarded in our society. You can conduct a survey if you want, but I can honestly say all men would want their wives to be their first time.
If his feelings for you are truly strong and right, he should respect your decision and even support your stand.
I'm really sorry but what I can say is despite your strong feelings towards him, but I feel this guy is not for you. The fact that he wants you to change FOR HIM rather than him accepting you as you are, shows that he just wants to satisfy his desire.
"ytd he lamented that only if i were older things would b easier my mindset would hav been different." - this sentence just shows how much he wants you to change and think like him, and give him what he wants.
I agree with Bontakun's suggestion. More physical intimacy is not a solution to the problem right now. To add on, you can try writing a list of consequences or regrets that you might have. That may strengthen your resolve.
I wish you all the best. -
Actually... My point from quite an earlier part of this thread... 2 of them are holding on to a major difference in mindset to this relationship... Especially when this 'factor' (sex) is quite significant to them. So they might not really be quite compatible, especially when there seems to be no 'downplay negotiation' for either party...Originally posted by Bontakun:Its plausible to try those, but still very easy to fall into temptations. There is no guarantee they 2 will stop at these given very 'enticing' and 'seducing' situations which pop up later.
Guys, can I ask for all of you peeps for help as I hold accountable to what I said and about to say, and you peeps be my witnesses regarding this?
I feel that Kuri and the BF are still not ready for this relationship. Reading her post, we all can see its not going so well as her BF is struggling with past relationships and sex in general and it is affecting Kuri as well.
What I propose may be radical and might cause some arguements, but I feel its for da better sake of both you and your BF: take a break from each other. Stop meeting each other and take the time alone to re-access and re-evaluate your values and beliefs. Kuri to reflect and rethink on her commitment and love for the BF. Kuri's BF to reflect and rethink on his mindset on sex and purity with regards to Kuri. (These are but a few of many more things to reflect upon)
When you 2 have taken enough time to sort things out (love and commitment), let go of some (deep sexual urge) and reinforce other beliefs (chastity) which will benefit both parties, meet up again and have a good talk about it.
Of all that I've posted earlier... I'm currently maintaining to my suggestions at the assumption that they would still like to be together... Since if like TS has mentioned, and many 'solutions' have failed.. It might be ok to use 'petting' and such such substitute for now if they're both agreeable to it? No doubt I won't deny the possibility of the 'next step' or difficulty in 'self-restraint', that's why I mentioned the control of environment and such so that those situations are less likely to happen... Apart from that, I don't think actual sex is gonna happen unless he intend to rape her? (not possible though if there's control in environment, limiting his ability to perform that).. If it's a 2 way thing and both of them just feel that they're ok with it... Perhaps it might not end up so bad afterall..? If not, he's still be 'pushing' for it like he's doing now anyhow...? The situation might be just more or less the same...
But generally speaking, I do agree with some of the forumites that it's very inappropriate and insensitive of him to use 'emotional blackmail' for 'sex'... But I shall not comment more as it's the TS's decision to stick with him despite all the 'torments'. Despite what we've heard of what's the 'problem' and what he has been doing... We really do not know how he's handling other aspects of the relationship to weigh if TS should really be sticking to him and whether it's worth it....? So I shall just restrict my suggestions and comments to such as of now. -
i agree with u, uncle bon.Originally posted by Bontakun:Its plausible to try those, but still very easy to fall into temptations. There is no guarantee they 2 will stop at these given very 'enticing' and 'seducing' situations which pop up later.
Guys, can I ask for all of you peeps for help as I hold accountable to what I said and about to say, and you peeps be my witnesses regarding this?
I feel that Kuri and the BF are still not ready for this relationship. Reading her post, we all can see its not going so well as her BF is struggling with past relationships and sex in general and it is affecting Kuri as well.
What I propose may be radical and might cause some arguements, but I feel its for da better sake of both you and your BF: take a break from each other. Stop meeting each other and take the time alone to re-access and re-evaluate your values and beliefs. Kuri to reflect and rethink on her commitment and love for the BF. Kuri's BF to reflect and rethink on his mindset on sex and purity with regards to Kuri. (These are but a few of many more things to reflect upon)
When you 2 have taken enough time to sort things out (love and commitment), let go of some (deep sexual urge) and reinforce other beliefs (chastity) which will benefit both parties, meet up again and have a good talk about it.
too fast paced for both of them.
but so many advices have been given by forumites, yet TS chose this path.
And one has to be responsible for his own actions.
I still think that if a man truly loves you, he will not force you.
And if he respects you, he will respect your decision too.
i dun wana be mean, but how can you be so sure that he loves you, and love u more than sex? If he choose u over sex, he wun stressing u like that again and again.
Words are dirt cheap, my dear girl. -
only by guys who want to marry a virgin
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Thanks for all ur suggestions and hearing me whine bout the frustrations n all that i couldnt really tell anybody.
Devil ur suggestion was actually somewat like the consensus we reached after negotiations some minimal or acceptable intimacy and honestly these gave rise to situations when he could have forced himself on me and was admittedly tempted to but he backed off when i reminded him seriously it's a decided no. at least he did uphold the trust i have in him and his respect for my will.
Many of you may be thinking i brought all these upon myself yes in some
sense i did, for not walking away n sticking with him after i discovered he's in some important aspects not quite what i expected. There were times a break-up seemed like the best way to resolve things. But if my feelings to him are true i cant just abandon him without exhuasting my means to work things out. If it's so easy to let go when some things dun turn out right it would more of an infatuation than love. And it's rather silly to give up at this moment after preservering thru so much and now he's finally taking serious steps to show me his resolve to make things better and re-ignite the hope in our relationship.
Silly girl a few months or just weeks later u will come crying to us when u realise the breakup is inevitable,u may say. true i admit i cant eliminate the possibility given the way things are it's a risk i hav to take. but at least for the rest of my life i wouldnt hav to ponder what could hav been if i just had given him the one more chance. now i'll just do my best and hope for the best. and we'll find out soon enough if i hav just boarded titanic. -
i support u Kuri, nv give away ur gift of chaste easily.
Be a nun, ftw. lol
kidding, but yea dont give it away easily. well... The world is corrupted, i would say most people dont value chastity anymore. yet every men wants their women to be virgins.. kinda unfair isnt it? -
I think his efforts with true sincere intention is important..Originally posted by kuri:Thanks for all ur suggestions and hearing me whine bout the frustrations n all that i couldnt really tell anybody.
Devil ur suggestion was actually somewat like the consensus we reached after negotiations some minimal or acceptable intimacy and honestly these gave rise to situations when he could have forced himself on me and was admittedly tempted to but he backed off when i reminded him seriously it's a decided no. at least he did uphold the trust i have in him and his respect for my will.
Many of you may be thinking i brought all these upon myself yes in some
sense i did, for not walking away n sticking with him after i discovered he's in some important aspects not quite what i expected. There were times a break-up seemed like the best way to resolve things. But if my feelings to him are true i cant just abandon him without exhuasting my means to work things out. If it's so easy to let go when some things dun turn out right it would more of an infatuation than love. And it's rather silly to give up at this moment after preservering thru so much and now he's finally taking serious steps to show me his resolve to make things better and re-ignite the hope in our relationship.
Silly girl a few months or just weeks later u will come crying to us when u realise the breakup is inevitable,u may say. true i admit i cant eliminate the possibility given the way things are it's a risk i hav to take. but at least for the rest of my life i wouldnt hav to ponder what could hav been if i just had given him the one more chance. now i'll just do my best and hope for the best. and we'll find out soon enough if i hav just boarded titanic.
So as it is your relationship and hence your decision..
All the best?
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Hi kuri, just dropped by to say hi.
