Is chastity still valued?
-
Do some research and read up, and help him to control his 'urge' in a more healthy manner....Originally posted by kuri:Just had a long conversation with him.
A conversation that he said we'll never have again.
He told me to him sexual intimacy is an intricate part of love he cant change that. He said how much i'd go with him doesnt determine how much he'd love me but at the back of his back it's how much i love him. He told me he loves me so much he'd die for me but feels very insecure bout my feelings towards him because of this he thinks bout it so much start feeling so empty esp when he has urges it is causing him immense pain it's such a mental torment he had cried and had sleepless nights and he believes this will go on. he admitted what i hav said is true that this is our irreconcilable gap but he doesnt want to give up on me cos of that. he really loves me he cant let go of his feelings. so he told me that from now onwards he'll just keep all related to this issue to himself and suffer on his own, he doesnt want to talk about this anymore since we won't be able to resolve it.
I don't know what to do. As much as it hurts me so I brought up the thought of letting him go cos I simply can't bear to see him in constant pain and misery but he said i'd just hurt him more this way. I really dun want that ending any more he does yet I don't see any way how it can work out. Wanted to assure him that my feelings to him are true and my apparent lack of willingness to commit sexually doesn't reflect that I don't love him as much but he just dismissed that as my attempts to cover up. enough said he told me, n spoke that if he were to show me the dozens of books he has bout relationship it all concurs that when a couple reaches a depth in love it's natural that they would want to go sexual and thus it speaks of the feelings i have for him. There's no way I can talk him out of this yet i m witnessing his mental and physical conditions deteriorate as this wears on and that he'd always hav to take sleeping pills to sleep so often I really don't wish this to go on.
Even though he said he's willing and determined to go on this way to keep the status quo I cant help worrying about the long term detrimental effects to his health. I'm really worried bout him, it's not the right ways to sustain things. and he even mentioned taking this drug that will make men "sterile" for a few years or so. I'm really afraid that he would do things harmful to his mental and physcial health since especially he said that after today he's not gona tell me anything related to this issue anymore he doesnt want me to get the wrong idea n feel pressured. How can i put my mind at ease when at the back of my mind i never know wat's brewing beneath the lovely surface? with the nagging thought that he may be on his path to self destruction n i wont even b aware of it? -
I think you should really change his mindset or something?Originally posted by kuri:DIY doesnt satisfy him.
it just makes him feel more empty that he's doing a handjob himself even.
his point is that it not about the gratification on its own but feeling of being loved by his loved one.
as he said sexual intimacy is for him a guage of how much his girl loves him.
he can only derive satisfaction when his gf give him the gratifications not anyone esle, which of course includes himself.
hence he can never be satisfied and it's tormenting him as he's a highly sensual/sexual individual.
Anyway, not that I'm one who can live without sex myself...? <
But as spoken over and over again... If he can't get what he so strongly want in this relationship, it's important that either he maintain a healthier life-style and mindset towards handling of 'no sex' OR you decide to give in and go along with his drift...
Somehow this could be really getting nowhere... -
it's up to u, what u want to do.Originally posted by kuri:DIY doesnt satisfy him.
it just makes him feel more empty that he's doing a handjob himself even.
his point is that it not about the gratification on its own but feeling of being loved by his loved one.
as he said sexual intimacy is for him a guage of how much his girl loves him.
he can only derive satisfaction when his gf give him the gratifications not anyone esle, which of course includes himself.
hence he can never be satisfied and it's tormenting him as he's a highly sensual/sexual individual.
for me, i will juz tell him, 'since our method of loving is so different, i think there's no point for us to go on anymore'.
there must be love and respect.
if he can't show me the least respect, dun expect me to love him. -
So much mumbo jumbo from him, but the message is very clear:
"If you love me, go to bed with me. If you don't, it just mean that you don't love and care for me enough so let's break up."
Oldest trick in the book, and this is the exact (frequently repeated) trick jerks use to coerce their girlfriends into going to bed with them.
Stand firm, be assertive on your beliefs and stand. Don't give in. If he's going to have problems with you over that, it simply means that he's not as good as you would like to think he is. Let's take note that he is emotionally blackmailing you, especially when he mentioned the sterile drug.
But ultimately, the choice is yours to make. Just hope that you will think it through. -
Sexual favour for love. I agree it is the oldest trick in the book but also the top notch effective one based on the mentality of the "victim", which logical judgement had been clouded by a virus call love.
-
its obvious isnt it?
-
loving sex=loving love=in love wif himself=selfish love=possessive love=no love=ABSOLUTE LUST
-
from what i have seen, females feel more than guys.
it's obvious that you're torn between the choice of holding onto your own beliefs, or satisfying your boyfriend.
it's time to think about it now.
does this love dominate your entire self? -
at other times it's the small things that make me crack. like i gave him a light slap on his hand playfully as i walk past him he got mad at me he said it was painful and it gave him a heart seizure cos the sudden movement shocked him, he went on saying how would i feel if he hit me like that on my face how come i never care bout his feelings oneday i'll give him a heart attack n kill him. seems like my routine innocent actions could be traumatising to him. whenever we had a tiff, he'd tell me bout all the sweet things he had done n he'd do for me i'd hav nothing to rebutt, afterall he alr dismissed my actions as unreasonable or delibrately pain-inflicting. i dunno wat esle to say, it's true i cant deny he had done a lot for me yet how he makes me feel as tho i had done nothing good to him makes me feel lousy n wonder why is he doing so much to keep me then. for it seems like i m more harm than good to him. he even claimed that i don't care bout him, i just care whether he has time for me or that he does what i want.everytime he says this kind of things i just felt like retorting with "if i m such a trash,why not just dump me?".
he told me he really love me so much he had stayed up at on fri night when i had to study for my test to give me moral support, called me a few times in the night to make sure i'm awake studying and he said he stayed awake not doing anything cos he was really worried for me and wanted me to know he feels what i feel.
i believe he loves me and i had done my best to assure him that i feel the same. he tells me to change my number cos a guy smses me to say he misses me etc. i dun see it as such a big deal (alr told him more than a dozen times this guy doesnt matter to me he does) tho i m willing to comply if it makes him feel better. but somehow lil things always get on our nerves like the manner he flared up and hang up on me when i called him ard 9am, he had alr slept for at least 9 hrs then. when he had done the same at most i'd say i m really tired dear,i'll call u back later alrite? he doesnt like to tell me his plans for the day does things like tell me 11pm ytd he'd call me to tell me wat r our plans today when he wakes up. i m always hanging in the mid-air the days i expect to meet him, hard to do things like meet frds or settle my own stuff cos i dun really know when i'm supposed to meet him. if i had went out with a frd n it so happens that he wants to meet me at that time he'd b unhappy why did i still go out n stuff when i knew i had to meet him that day. so wat does my dear expect me to do? wait for his verdicts before i could plan my day on what might b "our days"? even when half the day's gone n i receive no news?
i love him dearly but it's small details as such that makes me wonder if we could really be happy together. we've had great times yes but even if we resolve the big issue i'd still hav to b so conscious with my behaviour so i dun step on any landmines he has? or is it cos of the not completely resolved big issue that he's acting like that? the thought that we might part saddens us deeply we know the emotional roller coaster is starting to take its toll on my studies, his work and our lives yet everytime we see each other we just cant bear to part. and if we hav to i dun want him to think that i'm "just making up some excuse to leave him", that's what he said when i brought it up. i really love him and if i hav to leave i really want him to know that it's not that i dun care bout him, not getting enough kick out of this relationship or some other childish reason. it's precisely cos i care bout him that i started comtemplating if life for the both of us could b better without each other. it hurts me so as much as it hurts him but how do i get him to see that? -
u recall again the things he has been telling u...its all abt he, him n himself...tats a sign of self-centredness...self-centred ppl love for themselves...they r more interested in finding someone who can satisfy them rather than someone whom they can satisfy...true, he has done alot for u...but ask urself y he has done so much? is it cos he realli loves u? or cos he does so much, hoping to get as high a return as wad he has given? when u love, u dun ask for return...ur bf keeps asking for sex, tats asking for a return of wad he has done for u....he care less abt ur principles, onli wan to gain for himself... IS TAT LOVE???
-
he doesnt ask me for sex. he knows my decision on that matter and he respects that.Originally posted by despondent:u recall again the things he has been telling u...its all abt he, him n himself...tats a sign of self-centredness...self-centred ppl love for themselves...they r more interested in finding someone who can satisfy them rather than someone whom they can satisfy...true, he has done alot for u...but ask urself y he has done so much? is it cos he realli loves u? or cos he does so much, hoping to get as high a return as wad he has given? when u love, u dun ask for return...ur bf keeps asking for sex, tats asking for a return of wad he has done for u....he care less abt ur principles, onli wan to gain for himself... IS TAT LOVE???
now the sex issue is pretty much resolved what i dun understand is how i get on his nerves so easily i hav to really careful with wat i do even a casual phone call i hav to cautiously pick the right timings lest i could incur his wrath?sometimes i ask myself wats the joy in a relationship when all the lil things i treasure are absent? -
if he cannot understand tat life would be betta dfor the 2 of u if both of u broke up, tats another sign of loving love...true love is to be able to give up the r/s when the other party is feeling miserable abt carrying on...true love is when u r able to respect the decisions made by the other party...loving love is very possessive...but true love is long-suffering n demonstrates respect to the other party...u watch many dramsa serials on tv...they often portray 2 kinds of love...possessive love n sacrificial love...possessive love often lead to all the parties involved being unhappy...but sacrificial love will lead to onli the one who sacrificed being unhappy...yet the one who sacrificed is willing cos he/she is happy so long the other party is happy...
possessive love occurs usually cos we tink for ourselves onli...when a situation arise, we wil tink of our own benefits n losses...true love however, is juz the opposite...it focuses on the benefits n losses of the other party...so when it comes to a case like urs... when breaking up could be best for u, the guy may tink but its nt gd for me so y shld i agree? tis is a sign of possessive n selfish love...he tinks for his own benefits onli...if he truly loves u n u make it known to him tat u feel its betta u guys took a break, he will respect ur decision noeing tat will make u feel betta...
one more thing: love is selfish is NT THE SAME as selfish love... -
Are you really sure it has been resolved? There's a possibility that you get on his nerve so easily due to resentment.Originally posted by kuri:he doesnt ask me for sex. he knows my decision on that matter and he respects that.
now the sex issue is pretty much resolved what i dun understand is how i get on his nerves so easily i hav to really careful with wat i do even a casual phone call i hav to cautiously pick the right timings lest i could incur his wrath?sometimes i ask myself wats the joy in a relationship when all the lil things i treasure are absent?
He might be playing mind game with you. To him, the only way for you to prove that you love him is to let him get into your pants. Or well, the choice is yours. Either you leave it or continue to let him to manipulate you. -
this guy sounds like a weirdo to me
i also like to slap my dear's hand innocently sometimes, he never grips about that and sometimes even said he likes it even asked me to pinch him lightly 
i think maybe he is just finding fault with you to make you pissed off with him, than you will just initiate breaking up with him, during which he will make you feel guilty as if everything is your fault -
but if he wanted a breakup why not take my offer when i brought it up to him?i love him i just wish there r more sweet tender moments and that time spent with him could be more carefree. i never meant to torment him, it torments me that he sees stuff i see as playful or sweet as my deliberate attempts to inflict pain on him. i want to be with him as much as he wants to be with me i m not making up excuses to leave him as he says i m. if things had better chances of working out i wouldnt even think bout it at all.Originally posted by rainee:i think maybe he is just finding fault with you to make you pissed off with him, than you will just initiate breaking up with him, during which he will make you feel guilty as if everything is your fault
it's funny right from the first day we started the relationship there has never been the typical "honeymoon period". i asked him why our relationship's so different he said unlike other couples who put their best front to each other the first few months or even a yr we'r open n honest to each other from the beginning n we dun harbour any secrets from each other thus it's natural that we hav conflicts but this will eventually work better in the long run. true our relationship has always been truthful but still,it puzzles me if the beginning of a journey has been a painful walk amongst thorny shrubs can we ever complete the marathon?albeit with scars?
yet my feelings for him kept nudging me on, whenever i feel a ray of hope i refuse to give up. i keep telling myself the hard days r going to b over as i saw the efforts he took in our relationship. i dunno what to do to make my heart stop beating for him anymore. -
yes.. come back form hK trip and have kept it...
-
meaning??lol..then why m i still unhappy..Originally posted by soulwinner:yes.. come back form hK trip and have kept it... 
-
kuri, this will make him love you more.
trust me. -
......
-
ermmmm...*paces ard the room*Originally posted by Devil1976:...... -
supposed to meet me at 1pm today when i was there then i found out he had an emergency change of plans..drag drag drag..i wait till 7pm plus then tell me to go home first..i almost broke out in tears in public when i received his sms.haih..one disappointment after the other..he's pushing me to my breaking point..i really wish my heart for him could just die at this moment..why is it so hard..all the things he had done to keep me..wat for if he's gona treat me like that?
-
he is unstable emotionally...ppl who r loving love r like tat...they dunno wad they wan n r easily swayed by situations ard them...its so ungentlemanly to make u wait 6 hrs for him n worse after 6 hrs, tell u to go hm...
for urself, dun be so led by emotions...love is nt all abt emotions, its also a choice...try to let ur mind take over for once...see wad mind has to say abt tis r/s... -
u are already being controlled by him.
-
Well. He's your choice?Originally posted by kuri:ermmmm...*paces ard the room* -
of course... I only keep it for the rigth gal....