Parents in Law living with you
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I did pack. I don't shout. Its unnecessary. I do not believe in big dramas or big shows. My husband and I contemplated divorce. He kept this under the radar so that his mom will never find out and feel she cause it. We discussed and decided to work it out. All of this, we hide it under a bad quarrel so that my MIL will never know she caused a major breakdown between us.Originally posted by jojobeach:Wow, mistyblue...
Maybe it's time you stand up for yourself.
My colleague also tolerated this kind of PIL.
Then one day, she exploded and shouted back at her MIL.
She says to her " Please get your son another wife. Because I QUIT"
After the incident, the PIL becomes more cordial.
Although it makes the home ambiance a bit uncomfortable for a while.
At least the PIL stopped making things difficult for her.
At one point she contemplated suicide also, but luckily that pretty much improved the situation.
The reason why she dares to shout back at her MIL is because she is ready to give up the marriage, pack and go. When one has nothing to lose, one dares to seek their inner courage. -
Hi mistyblue,Originally posted by mistyblue:well good for you.
If you know that your PIL are ok and just need some attention and people around them. You can take some time to be with them or do things together with them. Maybe you can go visit places they like. Old folks like to visit temples or go eat dian xing. I volunteer to help my MIL with her temple volunteer work for the CNY by helping the cooks to prepare the Vegetarian Lou Hei YuShen. In the past, I make yang-mei rose tea which is helpful for blood pressure issues.
Actually I was really stupid and didn't realise that my husband and his mother confide in each other. My MIL will complain to my husband and my husband will tell our problem to my MIL. Then some times get get comments from them that I don't understand the context and where it is coming from. Then one day I arrived home at the same time with my FIL and they both do not know I am back. I went into my room and sat there to listen to the conversation going on in the next room until my husband realised I had come back. Unsetting isn't it. Not all husband put their spouse ahead.
I try to think of good things and stay happy. Otherwise I do get more sh!t than I can handle. Its complicated.
oh, if ur hb confides in your mil..then you must a clear mind b4 u 'vent' your frustration to him. Bcos sometime we do not mean what we say, we just blurt out due to frustration.."sigh" what to do..sometime we are not given a choice in life.
Just think positive & stay happy..
What irks me most is the (elder son)BIL & his wife; i dun understd why they can bochap PIL, BIL only comes once a mth to give allowance & SIL only comes ONCE a yr..plus she dun like my MIL calls BIL..u know we only live 2 blocks apart ! Whenever my MIL calls BIL, she will nag behind the background saying "Why she keep calling for what ?" -
i'm getting married,but will be staying wif my PIL temp as i'll be find a flat..is it really so scary?coz now they give mi my way....
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Mistyblue,Originally posted by mistyblue:I did pack. I don't shout. Its unnecessary. I do not believe in big dramas or big shows. My husband and I contemplated divorce. He kept this under the radar so that his mom will never find out and feel she cause it. We discussed and decided to work it out. All of this, we hide it under a bad quarrel so that my MIL will never know she caused a major breakdown between us.
huh? u considering divorce bcos of MIL ?
pls re-consider carefully, dun regret it later..think of the +ve side..they do not hv many yrs left :p
or hv u consider move out ? -
What's the point talking to hb? grin and bear it loh. I took to the bottle. Its easier and less consequence.Originally posted by tutu2:Hi mistyblue,
oh, if ur hb confides in your mil..then you must a clear mind b4 u 'vent' your frustration to him. Bcos sometime we do not mean what we say, we just blurt out due to frustration.."sigh" what to do..sometime we are not given a choice in life.
Just think positive & stay happy..
What irks me most is the (elder son)BIL & his wife; i dun understd why they can bochap PIL, BIL only comes once a mth to give allowance & SIL only comes ONCE a yr..plus she dun like my MIL calls BIL..u know we only live 2 blocks apart ! Whenever my MIL calls BIL, she will nag behind the background saying "Why she keep calling for what ?"
Family relationships are complicated and people sometimes keep things in their heart that they should not. So let them be as long as they are happy. They do their part that they can give. You do your part as a DIL. That is enough. In the past, my BIL dumps his kids with us 99% of the time so that he and his wife can sleep, shop and enjoy life and even when my MIL is not feeling well or need rest - their kids are with us. I was the bad guy and told them off that their kids are not welcome all the time. In a week, at least keep them home over the weekends. In a way, I hope I help the kids but my MIL and BIL/Wife resented what I did and really gave me a hard time. Besides, I must say, I never liked kids, worse are loud kids, and worse are kids who are not disciplined, most worse are kid's parents turn a blind eye to every nasty thing their children do. my BIL kids and my BIL/Wife fall into that category.
But even with using my MIL service, my BIL's wife was never thankful of her and made use of her to sell some of her M'sia's stuff with requirement to return 100% of profit. I don't believe my BIL contribute anything to my MIL as they are always short of money but seems to afford branded things well. Its their personal priority. However, for whatever reasons they do not want her, I know it fully well myself. My HB choose to think her as endearing even with the nonsense she says. But even with all these thing, they are very close knit family and I had always feel like an outsider among them. So what can I say. LPPL loh. -
my MIL is only 50s. She has many years left.Originally posted by tutu2:Mistyblue,
huh? u considering divorce bcos of MIL ?
pls re-consider carefully, dun regret it later..think of the +ve side..they do not hv many yrs left :p
or hv u consider move out ?
Move out on my own. Yes. I was disallowed because it looks bad on my HB and his family.
+ve side with my MIL. Stress? Ok. seriously. she cooks even through its not fantastic. She has many ideas how to be shrew and screw people. I am trying to learn that cause I realized I am too trusting and kind so I get bullied badly at work. -
mistyblue,Originally posted by mistyblue:What's the point talking to hb? grin and bear it loh. I took to the bottle. Its easier and less consequence.
Family relationships are complicated and people sometimes keep things in their heart that they should not. So let them be as long as they are happy. They do their part that they can give. You do your part as a DIL. That is enough. In the past, my BIL dumps his kids with us 99% of the time so that he and his wife can sleep, shop and enjoy life and even when my MIL is not feeling well or need rest - their kids are with us. I was the bad guy and told them off that their kids are not welcome all the time. In a week, at least keep them home over the weekends. In a way, I hope I help the kids but my MIL and BIL/Wife resented what I did and really gave me a hard time. Besides, I must say, I never liked kids, worse are loud kids, and worse are kids who are not disciplined, most worse are kid's parents turn a blind eye to every nasty thing their children do. my BIL kids and my BIL/Wife fall into that category.
But even with using my MIL service, my BIL's wife was never thankful of her and made use of her to sell some of her M'sia's stuff with requirement to return 100% of profit. I don't believe my BIL contribute anything to my MIL as they are always short of money but seems to afford branded things well. Its their personal priority. However, for whatever reasons they do not want her, I know it fully well myself. My HB choose to think her as endearing even with the nonsense she says. But even with all these thing, they are very close knit family and I had always feel like an outsider among them. So what can I say. LPPL loh.
guess i am luckier in this case
, cos my BIL's wife look down on my PIL..so she dread to come & she will nvr brg her kids over (if she has one)
For me, i just feel stressful PIL staying w us, cos i feel that they dun seem to know how to take care of themselves..cos they can stay at home whole day, eating only 1 decent meal ! The rest of the day are just bread & cookies..i guess is just their living habit lor..so now i am closing one eye abt what they do to themselves as long as they dun fall sick.. -
oh..ur MIL shrewOriginally posted by mistyblue:my MIL is only 50s. She has many years left.
Move out on my own. Yes. I was disallowed because it looks bad on my HB and his family.
+ve side with my MIL. Stress? Ok. seriously. she cooks even through its not fantastic. She has many ideas how to be shrew and screw people. I am trying to learn that cause I realized I am too trusting and kind so I get bullied badly at work. mine is opposite, i m teaching her to be shrew 
but..my MIL dosent cook..she only irons & mop the floor, FIL cooks
What i dun like is that i feel that they cant take care of themselves, see already make us stress
My MIL can coop whole day in the house, then complain giddy, u know why she giddy ? Cos she nvr go under the sun, nvr eat !
Does the house belong to u or PIL ? Actually, we are considering getting a small unit for them with our hard-earn money..then we downgrade to a smaller unit -
Why such hush hush ?Originally posted by mistyblue:I did pack. I don't shout. Its unnecessary. I do not believe in big dramas or big shows. My husband and I contemplated divorce. He kept this under the radar so that his mom will never find out and feel she cause it. We discussed and decided to work it out. All of this, we hide it under a bad quarrel so that my MIL will never know she caused a major breakdown between us.
Your MIL should know she is causing a rift in her son's marriage.
All mothers will want her son to be happy with a woman who loves him.
Unless shes wants the son to be her's only.
Time to cut the apron string still stubbornly attached to your husband's neck.
If the MIL knows she may reconsider her ways. -
its complicated.Originally posted by jojobeach:Why such hush hush ?
Your MIL should know she is causing a rift in her son's marriage.
All mothers will want her son to be happy with a woman who loves him.
Unless shes wants the son to be her's only.
Time to cut the apron string still stubbornly attached to your husband's neck.
If the MIL knows she may reconsider her ways.
I don't want to be viewed as the one who cause my MIL to suffer. I don't want to be seen as the one who break up such a happy family. I don't want to cause her to stage another drama, move out or whatsoever. This upsets my husband very badly.
Anyways, I always knew my husband has been married to his family and his mother. At times, I wonder why he need me at all besides complicating things. As I said, case by case, depending on people involved. I do not want my husband to suffer and I do not want to speak too much about what his mother. Human relationships are very complicated. Always remember you were not there for the first 30 years of his life. So don't complain even if his mother gives you problem, she brought the son up anyways. -
hi mistyblue
pls dun give up if u still love ur hb..mayb move out will helps..have a serious one to one talk with hb..like i alwys tell my hb, i am the one who accompany him for the rest of his life, not his parents..so he should know his priorities
can i ask why ur PIL got no house ? where did they previously stay ?
hope u dun mind me asking -
FIL is a gambler. The two old folks do not have CPF and relied on their kids to pay for their house. I guess its also a strategic move somehow. My MIL threaten to move out once and my husband practically begged her to stay and he was really upset that we, the younger people, caused the old folks to be so uncomfortable that they want to move out. Give in loh. What else. Wait the PIL move out, relatives will talk, my Hb upset. then how. give in lohOriginally posted by tutu2:hi mistyblue
pls dun give up if u still love ur hb..mayb move out will helps..have a serious one to one talk with hb..like i alwys tell my hb, i am the one who accompany him for the rest of his life, not his parents..so he should know his priorities
can i ask why ur PIL got no house ? where did they previously stay ?
hope u dun mind me asking -
Sometimes some of these MILs feel that the DIL is taking away their precious son.Originally posted by mistyblue:Sometimes the in-laws take for granted that we have to give in. When I try to avoid or is just doing my things like cleaning or whatever, my MIL comes over and makes comments such that i like cleaning so much therefore she is justified to leave everything for me to clean up. Or when I come home late, she makes comments that I have an affair outside and is enjoying myself. Then she also make comments that I never take care of my husband and always give him problem and make him come fetch me at work etc (I never asked my husband and he volunteers when he feels like it). My MIL also accuse me of trying to kill her with my cooking and now I don't cook and she is angry I never take up cooking to help her out. When I hide in my room, my MIL complains to my husband that I am unfriendly and I have to keep my doors open but anyways even with doors shut, she walks in on us and sometimes when we are in the middle of something. Either way, I am fuked.
I try to put up. Some times, its just too much. I feel more stressed at home. My husband is not appreciative that I had given way and he said his whole family gave way to me. Then I got nothing to say loh, I can only think I am difficult person. Sometimes I think perhaps can move out on my own. Leave my husband with his family. Sometimes, I think maybe if I fall out the window, then everything settled. Its not easy.
My poor SIL is also in your situation. I don't stay with them but once in a while I'll go visit my mum and my SIL. My SIL will confide in me and then I try to talk to my mother... S*hit hit the fan. My mother thought I am on my SIL side and I kana scolding when I try to reason with my mum. .
I understand why my mum acted that way. When we were young my father wasn't that supportive of her in whatever she do and will always blame everything on her even it's not her fault but now seeing my brother treated my SIL so nice my mum sort of felt jealous and taking out all her past anger on my SIL. Bu the way my brother treats my mother well too but sometimes he is also in a dilemma when he got stuck in between. Poor him too.
Perhaps try to find out from your hubby what your MIL was like when she was young. Did she suffer anything when younger and now taking it out on you. Work around that way maybe things might improve.
Sorry to hear about your plight. -
mistyblue,
i guess i can understand ur situation, if you hb sides his mother, u got nothing more to say liao..why dun u find some excuse to move out?
Talk to your hb abt your.Lucky my hb is supportive of my decision, but we must have enuff $$$ to carried out our plan..he understands that 3 vs 1, i will feel awkward..somemore is MY house. -
I know my HB and MIL are very close. FIL gambled away the money, MIL supported the house on her own. FIL colon cancer, MIL supported him and paid medical. BIL/SIL insisted to move out and my HB take over house. MIL fork out money to top up for the house. I know she wants attention. I know she feels that I am taking her son away. I know she is trying to hold on and etc. I know she wants to feel important and needed. I think maybe she is also experiencing monopause. I know and I try to understand. But when she does things or say things that cause us to quarrel or that she constantly speak ill behind me while act so "nice" in front of my hb and other people. Then I can only keep my distance because I will not be able to handle her, she wants to win and I will let her win. I cannot be bothered anymore.Originally posted by TinySue:Sometimes some of these MILs feel that the DIL is taking away their precious son.
My poor SIL is also in your situation. I don't stay with them but once in a while I'll go visit my mum and my SIL. My SIL will confide in me and then I try to talk to my mother... S*hit hit the fan. My mother thought I am on my SIL side and I kana scolding when I try to reason with my mum. .
I understand why my mum acted that way. When we were young my father wasn't that supportive of her in whatever she do and will always blame everything on her even it's not her fault but now seeing my brother treated my SIL so nice my mum sort of felt jealous and taking out all her past anger on my SIL. Bu the way my brother treats my mother well too but sometimes he is also in a dilemma when he got stuck in between. Poor him too.
Perhaps try to find out from your hubby what your MIL was like when she was young. Did she suffer anything when younger and now taking it out on you. Work around that way maybe things might improve.
Sorry to hear about your plight. -
Misty,
Your MIL so mean to you. Could it be that you did not provide a grandchild to them ?
I know some MIL purposely want to chase the DIL out because they want the son to marry someone who is willing to give them grandchildren.
Also, shouldn't your husband stop complaining or update the marital problems to your MIL ? I mean, no wonder your MIL is so unaccepting of you.
Which mother wouldn't be protective of their own son , after knowing the son is having problem with his wife ?
I know of someone, who had a argument with her husband.. the MIL found out about it and told them to get divorce.. she even insist she will take care of the grandchildren so the wife can get lost.
That someone's husband is my older brother.
I pity my SIL, so I told my brother to stop talking about the marriage to my mom. I told him, what he is doing is partly the reason why our mom dislike my SIL.
After the chat, my brother stopped as he also don't want to cause the SIL and mother relationship to deteriorate any further. Everytime my mom ask him about his marriage, he just say " Good".
Now, all is quite peaceful between them... my mom still grumble about my SIL to me, but it's better I be the receiving end. I just nods and pretend I'm listening lah.
Throughout the episode, I realised that my brother.. who is the son and the husband actually played a very crucial role in the tripartite relationship.
On another note.....
Sometimes I wonder, the MIL is a daughter too, and they are also mothers themself.. so why become so mean to someone else's daughter ???
DIL didn't sell themselves into the family, they joined them through marriage.
By the way, wouldn't it be better to have a maid ? -
you said "good and bad", what are the good things?Originally posted by mistyblue:Yeah good and bad.
my MIL says things without thinking and creates a number of quarrel between us one of which my husband wanted a divorce and we are not even 1 year into the marriage. She complains alot to my husband and this creates stress for him. She treats me differently when my husband is around or not around. Treats herself as the queen of the house - the living room, kitchen and everything is arranged in the manner that suits her - so I stay in my room. She cooks but sometimes I wish she does not cause, some stuff are not edible at all like fish slice with potato soup. Her cooking, I don't really like and she likes to do it over the top and in huge quantities that we throw away lots cause no one can finish. And she leaves all the cookingware allover unwashed till weekend then maybe when I feel like it, I clean up after her. My husband and I are the maid cause she eats and drinks everywhere and leaves the cups and bowls for me to collect and wash. Everyone gives in and she's always right. The kids my MIL take care are my BIL kids. So I don't give a damn if she teach them the wrong things or does not discipline them. I just hope they grow up quickly and stay away from my place. my FIL is a quiet man. My MIL had commented that she is and will always be the one and only one to boss people around and she will be the one and only one to throw tempers.
I can accept everything but I find it hard that even as I try to give in, she is still unhappy that at times I reject doing things or didn't know she kept food for me and she will complain and make such a drama out of small thing as if the world is going to end. The worse part is my husband listens and he is after all her son, so he agrees and supports her. So there is no contest or conflict there. At times, I feel like moving out on my own. There are good and bad, but it depends on individual personality. My MIL and my character are direct opposite. I like peace and quiet and non-confrontational. She is loud and brash and over the top controlling with a strong aggressive shrew confrontational style. Its nothing wrong. Its just her. And its just me and we both rub each other wrong. -
Sometimes it's the 'Dragon Lady' mentalityOriginally posted by jojobeach:Sometimes I wonder, the MIL is a daughter too, and they are also mothers themself.. so why become so mean to someone else's daughter ???
DIL didn't sell themselves into the family, they joined them through marriage.
By the way, wouldn't it be better to have a maid ? -
Yes, my MIL told me one day that a woman is useless unless she gives birth to the next generation and I should do just that. So she is somewhat reinforcing her treatment of me because I did not quickly do the rabbit thing and make a dozen off springs.Originally posted by jojobeach:Misty,
Your MIL so mean to you. Could it be that you did not provide a grandchild to them ?
I know some MIL purposely want to chase the DIL out because they want the son to marry someone who is willing to give them grandchildren.
Also, shouldn't your husband stop complaining or update the marital problems to your MIL ? I mean, no wonder your MIL is so unaccepting of you.
Which mother wouldn't be protective of their own son , after knowing the son is having problem with his wife ?
I know of someone, who had a argument with her husband.. the MIL found out about it and told them to get divorce.. she even insist she will take care of the grandchildren so the wife can get lost.
That someone's husband is my older brother.
I pity my SIL, so I told my brother to stop talking about the marriage to my mom. I told him, what he is doing is partly the reason why our mom dislike my SIL.
After the chat, my brother stopped as he also don't want to cause the SIL and mother relationship to deteriorate any further. Everytime my mom ask him about his marriage, he just say " Good".
Now, all is quite peaceful between them... my mom still grumble about my SIL to me, but it's better I be the receiving end. I just nods and pretend I'm listening lah.
Throughout the episode, I realised that my brother.. who is the son and the husband actually played a very crucial role in the tripartite relationship.
On another note.....
Sometimes I wonder, the MIL is a daughter too, and they are also mothers themself.. so why become so mean to someone else's daughter ???
DIL didn't sell themselves into the family, they joined them through marriage.
By the way, wouldn't it be better to have a maid ?
I had told my HB that if he wants kids, and he does and he must know my physical limitation, then he should not complain if he choose to continue on. If he wants a off spring badly, he can choose to have affairs out there and once there is an off spring, I will be more than happy to step out of the r/s, accept a divorce. Besides, looking at the way my MIL takes care of the kids, I don't really think I want my kids under her influence.
I didn't like that my HB talks to my MIL/BIL/everyone about the issues in our marriage and everyone start to treat me in a manner to "fix" me and teach me how to behave and give way to the family and HB. That's why I find I get strange comments how to improve my r/s from people around me and I really don't know the context or where are these comments coming from. I really feel strange and violated at times that people make judgements and it always seem I am the one at fault. And all along I thought that my HB always say he just talk cock only and his family don't take it seriously. Actual fact is people do take these kinds of things seriously and that they take action especially when he is not around. I told him before that how can he keep talking about our problems with the MIL when we should be solving it. I don't know if he got it. Yes, my MIL didn't like me much after hearing things from him and various people. Same as your SIL. We can do perfectly ok things and there are small skirmish in marriage life but my MIL will over-react and she always protect her son over a outsider. So now I find my outlet in bottles. Well worse case scenarios will just be either divorce or death. Choosing one is a simple matter of opportunity.
My HB told me not to stress him. I understand there is a special r/s going on with my HB and his mom way before I enter the picture. I didn't want to stop their r/s but I don't want that r/s to affect my r/s with my HB. However, it cannot be helped with my MIL as such a dominating character.
Truth is that MIL forget that they were once daughters. My MIL always get her way even with her own mother. She never had to live with her own MIL and she has 'names' for relatives she does not like and especially those from her husband side. She lived a blessed life but it does not extend to me as far as she is concern, her son is the most important. DIL can always change. It does not matter to her at all since she just get to enjoy the benefits from having her son around and a DIL to serve her needs. Women can be vicious to each other especially when the one with less power can be manipulated to serve self interest.
About maids, I ask my HB if I can sometimes get part time help because at times, I just want a break. He refused on ground that he does not feel comfortable that there are strangers in the house. So I lan-lan have to do everything myself. -
Misty,
So what is holding you back from a divorce ?
You are living in hell right now. Wouldn't it be better if you just leave the marriage ?
I hope this is not too personal.
What does limitation in your physical condition means ?
Somehow, I think your husband is rather selfish and a true blue mommy's boy.
Why did you marry him ?
Does he really loves you or just married you for convenience ? -
Every marriage is different.
misty at least is tolerant and trying to work things out again for her relationship.
Its obvious though that Misty complains about her MIL's demands and grumbling, misty dont take it seriously too hard.
She values her hubby more then in that aspect. afterall, PIL will die one day...but her hubby is meant to stick with her for the rest of her life.
Since the hubby too ngieow to bring in domestic help, then misty can also try to ease up on the cleaning and dont borther about MIL's complaint.
If hubby were unsatisfied with the cleaning. He can clean himself to satisfy his mother.
-
Actually I marvel at how Misty is biting the bullet
I would have turned into the devil's incarnate if I had to put up with that for a month! -
this is not advise.
Its just information someone provided me because of my own problem with my mother.
Above 50s, they might be eligible for the elderly condos.
You can consider putting them up there, though I strongly suspect your hub will not agree, this being a common cultural problem for asians & their parents.
And this is a suggestion:
Consider encouraging them to buy over your neighbour's flat, thus providing bigger spaces where grandchildren can pay with, might be another idea.
at least then, there is different households, yet so convienient and nearby for help and care of the future offsprings. try suggesting it prepare for the future. -
Divorce is not always the solution to everything. my HB and I promised not to divorce. It will only be the very last option.Originally posted by jojobeach:Misty,
So what is holding you back from a divorce ?
You are living in hell right now. Wouldn't it be better if you just leave the marriage ?
I hope this is not too personal.
What does limitation in your physical condition means ?
Somehow, I think your husband is rather selfish and a true blue mommy's boy.
Why did you marry him ?
Does he really loves you or just married you for convenience ?
Thing is, when I speak about things, I know people will start to make judgements just as my MIL and family does. I am not a saint. And after the last quarrel, I am trying to remain calm and recognise the good things my HB does for me and the good things my MIL does for me. If I look at the nasty things in life, I would have killed myself by now. You should hear what kind of treatment I get at work. I think its worse at work than at home. I felt I might have attract these things because of my character. People just take full advantage of me and my character to climb high or back stab me. Because they know I will try not to be confrontational and I hate to bring stories to the bosses which I know one of my colleague does that with full happiness and glory that she come back humming a nice tune having stabbed me and make sure I get marked by my new manager.
But when I do burst, its really bad. -
This is a strictly no go zone. My HB will divorce me if I suggest that.Originally posted by viciouskitty74:this is not advise.
Its just information someone provided me because of my own problem with my mother.
Above 50s, they might be eligible for the elderly condos.
You can consider putting them up there, though I strongly suspect your hub will not agree, this being a common cultural problem for asians & their parents.
And this is a suggestion:
Consider encouraging them to buy over your neighbour's flat, thus providing bigger spaces where grandchildren can pay with, might be another idea.
at least then, there is different households, yet so convienient and nearby for help and care of the future offsprings. try suggesting it prepare for the future.