Parents in Law living with you
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I think you answered true to jojobeach's question.Originally posted by mistyblue:This is a strictly no go zone. My HB will divorce me if I suggest that.
He isnt worth it. (I think only lah...but if you place him higher and he cant consider you higher then a domestic maid....its your self worth you are killing.)
But if you plan to stick it out with him and his family. You have to expect more worse to come eventually.
You are 1 against 3 of them.
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Have you considered going for couselling? ><
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scheduling conflicts. So very hard to go counselling. Anyways, we do try to work it out.
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Because from what you said, work and home is just
One can easily break that way!
Have you considered changing your jobs so that at least you have 1 less stress to deal with? -
Yes, cannot find the next job. That's why I am still stuck.
I look forward to resigning. I am sure that colleague will be the happiest and celebrating like no tomorrow. -
Someone reminded me on something.Originally posted by mistyblue:scheduling conflicts. So very hard to go counselling. Anyways, we do try to work it out.
Hey, ease up on the bottle.
Its not good for your liver, for your emotional state since it gives you a high and a crash down too easily.
And it doesnt brood well for your vanity. It ages you easily.
Surely you wouldnt want to look like a old hag that your hubby are strongly encouraged to discard. -
Btw what are you working as (if u dun mind me asking) and what did you do to cause your colleague to hate you so muchOriginally posted by mistyblue:Yes, cannot find the next job. That's why I am still stuck.
I look forward to resigning. I am sure that colleague will be the happiest and celebrating like no tomorrow. -
hi misty
why would ur hb divorce u ? if you hb sides his mum, he shd not get married..
u know sometime i aso tell my hb tat we shd not get married, at least can 'force' PIL to continue working..not rotting @ home..But,
I think my case is super minor compare to yours
well, at least he agrees to get another house for them (if we can afford, cos PIL no $$, no CPF, and cannot take loan)..mm that is something still consider a consolation to me.
btw, is the house under your name or MIL ? mayb you can propose to hb get another hse as an investment, then you can go over there stay during weekends , this will definately improve your relationship
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A promise you tried to keep.
But is your husband keeping his end of the deal ?
To love, comfort, keep.
Forsaking all others.
I think he is very cruel to put you through all these.
Yet he is guilty of perpetrating your torture.
And he expect you to live and let live ?
What justice is that ?
He who promised to protect you, have fed you to the dogs.
Work is something you can simply pack and go.
Home is suppose to be your sanctuary.
How can one live a life tormented in hell.. constantly ??? -
Happened to me once.Originally posted by mistyblue:Yes, cannot find the next job. That's why I am still stuck.
I look forward to resigning. I am sure that colleague will be the happiest and celebrating like no tomorrow.
Well, after I left, one of them backstabber was fired, for breaking the company rules, which I tried to warn them against doing.
The other wan.....she is smart.....went on long holiday to China, come back and pretend she didnt know.
Instead of resigning. Maybe you should consider a holiday. It looks like you need one. from family and collegues.
I find that even a short 4 hour ride out of Singapore to just JB, can help clear your mind and brings in new perspective to your life. -
Its her insecurity. She's a graphic designer who got herself into the position of marketing manager. She is relying lots on the boss to teach her everything he knows about marketing.Originally posted by elindra:Btw what are you working as (if u dun mind me asking) and what did you do to cause your colleague to hate you so much
The thing is that the boss and myself know each other before her and we had been talking and discussing as friends on certain issues at work. I asked him to be my mentor.
I am from IT moved into Business Dev now to Product Marketing. Everything I do, she will reverse it and wipe out my effort. Right in front of me, ask someone else to redo the completed work I handed up. She is not that capable and she knows it so she tried to step on the team members to promote herself because she thinks we will do nasty things to take credit away from her. So she hordes the work, does lousy project management, take credit where she does not deserve, erase credit when she can. Basically it boils down to insecurity and her lack of grace and she is quite a manipulative. -
Very very common...Originally posted by mistyblue:Its her insecurity. She's a graphic designer who got herself into the position of marketing manager. She is relying lots on the boss to teach her everything he knows about marketing.
The thing is that the boss and myself know each other before her and we had been talking and discussing as friends on certain issues at work. I asked him to be my mentor.
I am from IT moved into Business Dev now to Product Marketing. Everything I do, she will reverse it and wipe out my effort. Right in front of me, ask someone else to redo the completed work I handed up. She is not that capable and she knows it so she tried to step on the team members to promote herself because she thinks we will do nasty things to take credit away from her. So she hordes the work, does lousy project management, take credit where she does not deserve, erase credit when she can. Basically it boils down to insecurity and her lack of grace and she is quite a manipulative.
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Never threaten HB as this puts him in a position he has to choose. People get married without knowing the path forward is tough and require a lot of work. People also assume many things and expect many things. Its human nature. Otherwise people will never get married knowing all the problemsOriginally posted by tutu2:hi misty
why would ur hb divorce u ? if you hb sides his mum, he shd not get married..
u know sometime i aso tell my hb tat we shd not get married, at least can 'force' PIL to continue working..not rotting @ home..But,
I think my case is super minor compare to yours
well, at least he agrees to get another house for them (if we can afford, cos PIL no $$, no CPF, and cannot take loan)..mm that is something still consider a consolation to me.
btw, is the house under your name or MIL ? mayb you can propose to hb get another hse as an investment, then you can go over there stay during weekends , this will definately improve your relationship
House is my name. My HB want to get another private unit but I know that with our salary, its a stretch. I was not willing to go through that. Besides, I told him there are more fundamental issues that needed to be solved that moving out will not help. -
divorce does not solve anything.Originally posted by jojobeach:A promise you tried to keep.
But is your husband keeping his end of the deal ?
To love, comfort, keep.
Forsaking all others.
I think he is very cruel to put you through all these.
Yet he is guilty of perpetrating your torture.
And he expect you to live and let live ?
What justice is that ?
He who promised to protect you, have fed you to the dogs.
Work is something you can simply pack and go.
Home is suppose to be your sanctuary.
How can one live a life tormented in hell.. constantly ???
Keep calm, look on the bright side, keep busy. There are things to do and things to look forward than thinking about these people and the things they do just to get some satisfaction. I am not saying that I am holier than thou etc. But I realize that I am not a easy person, neither are my HB or his family. People have flaws. If they cannot take it. Then No point for me to do tit for tat. Its just going to escalate things and have a bad ending.
Its equally important to see what is key and focus on that. Such as what he sees in me and what I see in him. what we do for each other and be happy and contented. I have ants in my room that bite me in my sleep. He work shift and when he was back, I asked him to spray my room. He had to go buy the insecticide and spray my room. Kill the ants. Set the traps. Then air it so that I do not get poisoned. Think about it, he came back from midnight shift and did all that. -
Misty,
I salute you in your endeavour to live through such a union.
May you find your happiness within thousand pieces of torns.
Such a life I cannot live, for I would have made the world known my anger.
Therefore, you are indeed holier than me. -
I wish you the best Misty
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good thing u are not blind to the nice little things ur HB is doing for u ......Originally posted by mistyblue:divorce does not solve anything.
Keep calm, look on the bright side, keep busy. There are things to do and things to look forward than thinking about these people and the things they do just to get some satisfaction. I am not saying that I am holier than thou etc. But I realize that I am not a easy person, neither are my HB or his family. People have flaws. If they cannot take it. Then No point for me to do tit for tat. Its just going to escalate things and have a bad ending.
Its equally important to see what is key and focus on that. Such as what he sees in me and what I see in him. what we do for each other and be happy and contented. I have ants in my room that bite me in my sleep. He work shift and when he was back, I asked him to spray my room. He had to go buy the insecticide and spray my room. Kill the ants. Set the traps. Then air it so that I do not get poisoned. Think about it, he came back from midnight shift and did all that. -
misty,Originally posted by mistyblue:Never threaten HB as this puts him in a position he has to choose. People get married without knowing the path forward is tough and require a lot of work. People also assume many things and expect many things. Its human nature. Otherwise people will never get married knowing all the problems
House is my name. My HB want to get another private unit but I know that with our salary, its a stretch. I was not willing to go through that. Besides, I told him there are more fundamental issues that needed to be solved that moving out will not help.
no lah, i dun mean to threaten HB, but u hv to reason out lor..u married him thinking he can give u happines..end u there are 2 more 'lightbulbs' in between..that is causing conflict..he has to acknowledge this.
my hb know that i am unhappy w PIL, he has been very accomdating to me ..but..yes'day we had w tiff again over PIL..i think this is causing a strain on us..
to make things worst, my MIL name is the old 3rm flat's upgrading bill of $11K is here! i told my hb NOT to pay for her..cos is her prob..she has to sell away the house or withdraw her name ..but she just dun dare to bgr this topic up to grandma (her own blood mother) -
Sounds like your MIL is venting her anger on you that on heaped upon her by the other SIL.Originally posted by mistyblue:What's the point talking to hb? grin and bear it loh. I took to the bottle. Its easier and less consequence.
Family relationships are complicated and people sometimes keep things in their heart that they should not. So let them be as long as they are happy. They do their part that they can give. You do your part as a DIL. That is enough. In the past, my BIL dumps his kids with us 99% of the time so that he and his wife can sleep, shop and enjoy life and even when my MIL is not feeling well or need rest - their kids are with us. I was the bad guy and told them off that their kids are not welcome all the time. In a week, at least keep them home over the weekends. In a way, I hope I help the kids but my MIL and BIL/Wife resented what I did and really gave me a hard time. Besides, I must say, I never liked kids, worse are loud kids, and worse are kids who are not disciplined, most worse are kid's parents turn a blind eye to every nasty thing their children do. my BIL kids and my BIL/Wife fall into that category.
But even with using my MIL service, my BIL's wife was never thankful of her and made use of her to sell some of her M'sia's stuff with requirement to return 100% of profit. I don't believe my BIL contribute anything to my MIL as they are always short of money but seems to afford branded things well. Its their personal priority. However, for whatever reasons they do not want her, I know it fully well myself. My HB choose to think her as endearing even with the nonsense she says. But even with all these thing, they are very close knit family and I had always feel like an outsider among them. So what can I say. LPPL loh.
From what I see it, you are too unconfrontational to the point of being a sponge a doormat and let your MIL walked all over you.
Sigh, I know it's easier said than done but sometimes it is really easier done than said if you are more firm with yourself
Let's not go back to the past of you made the wrong choice of choosing this man as your husband for you were too blindly in love to observe his surrounding like his parents and blah blah blah. As what they said no point crying over split milk. The 'IF ONLY I'VE DONE THIS AND THIS' phrase doesn't apply here anymore.
Right now we should tackle your present situation and how to go about it. Ask yourself these questions
1) Is your marriage worth hanging on? - If not DIVORCE! Wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Short term hurt is better than long term hurting.
2) If not divorce, do you think you can live in this kind of condition for the rest of your lives? Please take note you did say your MIL is ONLY 50s. Not that old at all unless touch wood she kena accident and one leg kick immediately.
3) Do you seriously think taking to the bottle will really clear up all these problems? I am very sure you already knew the answer if you are a rational person from the posts you have posted (not just this but others as well). You jolly well know that it will only add on to your problems and misery and on top of that give your MIL one more reason to look down on you and one more excuse to tell your hubby how really useless a person you are. Do you really want that?
The whole world and this AA community and offer and talk to you about cock and bull story but ultimately it's up to you to be strong and make your stance. Don't show the world that you are a strong capable woman who can handle her own life. SHOW YOURSELF that YOU ARE CAPABLE OF HANDLING YOUR OWN LIFE.
Take a day when you think you are ready and face the mirror and tell that woman in the mirror you are your own mistress and the solution is in your hand. Go for it girl!!! -
Tutu,
I think you are kinda harsh towards your PIL.
The upgrading debt can be shared among the siblings.
Your husband need not be the only one to share the burden, right ?
If grandma refuse to sell the flat, there's nothing your PIL can do.
OK, say now grandma and your MIL sell the flat to pay the debt.
Where is grandma going to stay ? -
jojo,
Grandma now lives with her son in condo, the 3 rm has been rented out recently after the upgrade has been completed..for the past 10yrs, the house was occupied by PIL & HB until recently we got married & got our own flat..PIL was kenna 'chased' out by grandma..she says 'your son now rich liao, can afford a house, u should not stay here anymore' ..i mean we are ok, but she refuse to let MIL remove her name cos she claim she got no $$ to return back to MIL's CPF.
i think she is too selfish,she dosent wants PIL to get a flat under their name. She got 5 sons !! sometimes i pity my MIL for having such a mother. -
oh jojo,
talk abt sibling, my hb only got one brother..who is henpecken..cannot do anything on his own ..90% of all his $$ goes to his wife..and the wife dun like PIL at all, she nvr visit them & forbids her HB to visti PIL too often..when BIL is at our house, she will call and ask "why you go there for what?" which i find is ridiculous, she can dun come, but she cannot forbid her hb to visit his own parents, this is too much !! -
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Since it is rented out, then the rent should go to paying off the debt right ?Originally posted by tutu2:jojo,
Grandma now lives with her son in condo, the 3 rm has been rented out recently after the upgrade has been completed..for the past 10yrs, the house was occupied by PIL & HB until recently we got married & got our own flat..PIL was kenna 'chased' out by grandma..she says 'your son now rich liao, can afford a house, u should not stay here anymore' ..i mean we are ok, but she refuse to let MIL remove her name cos she claim she got no $$ to return back to MIL's CPF.
i think she is too selfish,she dosent wants PIL to get a flat under their name. She got 5 sons !! sometimes i pity my MIL for having such a mother.
If not, then shouldn't your MIL have a share of the income too ?
What about your father in law ? He also no comment on the housing thing ?
Since the house is partly under your MIL name, when Grandma pass away, your MIL will own the house right ? -
What your SIL is doing is "passive aggressive". Very common tactic used by women in particular.Originally posted by tutu2:oh jojo,
talk abt sibling, my hb only got one brother..who is henpecken..cannot do anything on his own ..90% of all his $$ goes to his wife..and the wife dun like PIL at all, she nvr visit them & forbids her HB to visti PIL too often..when BIL is at our house, she will call and ask "why you go there for what?" which i find is ridiculous, she can dun come, but she cannot forbid her hb to visit his own parents, this is too much !!
Did something happen between your SIL and your parent ?
Maybe an argument or dispute ?
We all know women don't easily forgive. So maybe there's some kinda grudge your SIL is holding against your parents?
When two women fight, it's worst than the world wars...because it can draaaagggg...... forever.