Love woes
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I know what I am going to receive from a lot of replies here. Insult and jokes and cheeky replies. It is okie. I still post my story and still wanna see the feedbacks from the rest of the people who treat it seriously.
To cut the long story short, I am in love with another girl. That is not unusual. It is supposed to be a good thing. However the problem is I have a wife.
Yup I am a bastard and I deserve to be castrated.
Let me ask back a question in return. When you marry, who will you choose ? A person you like a lot, but do not like u as much. Or a person who like you a lot but you do not like tat much ? This is because in the past, I always thought tat it is not possible to find a person who you like and like you in return. I always thought that is a Moulin rouge fantasy and that is why I choose to find a person who like me a lot. I think a lot of people will choose this because it is supposed to be fortunate to have someone who like you and dote on you while it is tiring to love someone who do not love u that much in return.
However Moulin rouge fantasy is the right way to go. One should find someone he loves a lot and in return, love you. Even though it seems impossibleÂ… even though there are no perfect things in the worldÂ…It is the right thing to do. If u choose the above question to be someone who like you a lot but you do not like in return, you will face a severe dilemma like me. Later on in life you find someone who you like a lot and like you in return. But it is already too late.
Typical story is like this. I used to like a girl a lot. I crazily chased her. I failed. Totally miserable with no confidence in myself anymore. Met another girl. Seems to like me. Go out for a few dates. Acceptable and become girlfriend. Eventually become wife. However we face problems such as me lacking passion and energy in planning anything in the future with her or do anything for her. There is just noÂ… enthusiasmÂ… I never really crazily like my wife but I can live with her for many years. There are no real problems except having little enthusiasm for anything related to her and it is straining her. Then I met another girl and I started to like her. I go back to the time when I crazily like a girl again. We have similar character, similar hobbies and we like each other. Whenever I think of the future with her, it is something I always wanted in life. When I think of my future with my wife, all I see isÂ….. a normal lifeÂ…..
So what should I do ? Divorce and try to seek a new life with the new found love ? We only live once and being in a unfeeling relationship is not helping any of the parties. Stay with my wife and become a moral and responsible man ? Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love.
What should one choose ? -
how hard have you worked on that relationship with your wife?
how hard are you prepared to work on that potential relationship with the one you are infatuated with? -
you sound like a person with a lot of regret.
whatever decision you make, I think the first thing is to make sure you dont EVER regret it. Cos regret screws up other people's lives besides your own.
which means, if you decide to leave your wife, and things don't work out well with this new girl - u won't confuse your poor wife again cos you suddenly realise that stability and mundanity is suddenly more important than passion.
do u have children? -
I believe my effort to my wife is in the level of acceptable.
My effort given to the second girl, at this moment of time, should be much higher. -
take that effort you are willing to give and put it into developing your relationship with your wife..
what made you marry her?
why did she decide to marry you?
they mean the world..
have you tried to appreciate the things that interest your wife? do you try to develop your wife's interest in the things that move you?
find things to do together.. interesting things.. -
Your are very correct in the term "regret". Before I marry, I sometimes want to break my with my then girlfriend... but I just stay on because I do not want major changes and I do not have the heart to break up with her. And she keep arguing about marriage with her and in the end we just did.
Now I do not have children yet... -
Roughly how old are the both of you?
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I think we marry because we have been together for some time and her age is coming to the magic number 30... Why did she decide to marry me is because we have been together for some time and we do not have any major problems together.
My wife's interest and my interest deviates... I like to go out with friends and... well... just go out. My wife like to stay at home and watch VCDs and well... stay at home. She don't like to spend money on "playing" (watch movie, KTV, eat restaurant) while I like to spend money going out even till very late in the night. So sometimes she becomes a cold blanket to me when we go out with friends and want to go back home early to sleep or save money. Nothing wrong with all this... it is just that it makes one unhappy when the character clash in such a silly way. -
just because of this?
or is there more? -
In a few years time we will be 30.
There is really not much major problems between the 2 of us. We have some serious arguments before but we manage to patch it back. I think the only problem is that I do not like her, and I do not have the heart to break up with her during the girl/boy stage.
Now I still do not know whether I should break up with her or not. One part of me want to give everything up and divorce. Another part of me just want to maintain this lifestyle, save a lot of problems and become a responsible person. -
here's the long and short of it..
suddenly, someone comes along and you are itching..
you figure.. hey.. 'we're more compatible'
what next?
someone else comes along?
you're off again?
go figure out what you want in life..
looks like you just want to party -
Have you ever spoken to her about this? Not quarrel, not argue. But speaking calmly and discussing how to work around this problem?Originally posted by troubled_in_love:My wife's interest and my interest deviates... I like to go out with friends and... well... just go out. My wife like to stay at home and watch VCDs and well... stay at home. She don't like to spend money on "playing" (watch movie, KTV, eat restaurant) while I like to spend money going out even till very late in the night. So sometimes she becomes a cold blanket to me when we go out with friends and want to go back home early to sleep or save money. Nothing wrong with all this... it is just that it makes one unhappy when the character clash in such a silly way.
How long have you been married?
I dont think compatibility means needing to have the same interests buthow to complement each other in mutual understanding that differences will exist and will ALWAYS exist. Simply cos you not marrying a clone of yourself.
However, to reach this stage of compatibility means to put in effort. If you have never put in effort, it will never work because in all relationships, it will be a union of 2 different people who have lived separate lives until they decide to live together.
Though I believe due to your reasons that you felt you have never really loved your wife and 'settled', you never felt the 'impetus' to put in the necessary effort in the first place. this is a reason, not an excuse for not doing it ever though.
(and I think it is VERY important that you do not blame her for the marriage to begin with... . it is immature to say she 'ask' u to marry her so u did. Whatever your reasons for marrying, it is a decision you did make. So take up that responsibility at least.) -
Title of the thread should be "Marriage Woes"
I can't believe how self-centred the threadstarter is...everything is about him and how he feels, what he chose
Takes 2 to work in a marriage...you seemed to have chosen marriage out of convenience...did you even have the galls to talk to your missus on this problem that you have?
If you choose to leave your missus...what assurances would you have that you won't meet another and feel the same again?
Worse...what if your 'new girl' does the same to you? I hope your wife reads this so she can choose between the man she 'loves' and the man she lives with... -
1. The grass is always greener on the other side.
2. All the glitters is not gold
3. Learn to appreciate what you have before it is all taken away from you.......
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A part of me wants to advise against divorce but another part thinks otherwise.
As a woman and a wife, I can tell you that if this happens to me. What will hurt me the most will be that my husband saying that he never really loved me and only 'married me because nothing wrong with our rship' and because I asked.
Suddenly in those few words, he reduces the entire marriage into a farce.
No marriage is perfect but with those words, every night we shared the bed, every single sweet moment became artificial.
It won't be him falling for another woman that depairs me but that he could do all these, then claim he never truly love me before.
It won't even be him not trying hard enough, because really, there is nothing to try if the heart is not in it. It won't be him not telling me if we could work things out better in this marriage, because really...
If he had ever held my hand, held my face, looked into my eyes and kissed me, and ever told me he loved me - all these become an act - because he never truly did.
If he had loved me before but he changed because of circumstances - that's another thing. At least its worth trying again, at least its worth putting in effort to salvage the relationship for what was there but then was lost. I will be fighting for a man i loved who used to love me.
But if my husband had never loved me before, and married me because he had thought I was the best deal he could get then, and now he feels he got a poor bargain -
then I think as a woman and a wife, I would prefer a divorce because there is no deeper hurt than this. -
it is bad..
it's like getting married for the sake of getting married..
thing is.. maybe i'm the eternal optimist? maybe something can be salvaged from this?
goodness knows?
like i said, seems like TS wants to just party... but is trying to get away from the guilt tugging at him..
try to fix the marriage..
and please, don't suffer from the supermassiveblackhole syndrome.. where you think the whole universe revolves around you... -
What you do if you are in your wife shoes?Originally posted by troubled_in_love:I know what I am going to receive from a lot of replies here. Insult and jokes and cheeky replies. It is okie. I still post my story and still wanna see the feedbacks from the rest of the people who treat it seriously.
To cut the long story short, I am in love with another girl. That is not unusual. It is supposed to be a good thing. However the problem is I have a wife.
Yup I am a bastard and I deserve to be castrated.
Let me ask back a question in return. When you marry, who will you choose ? A person you like a lot, but do not like u as much. Or a person who like you a lot but you do not like tat much ? This is because in the past, I always thought tat it is not possible to find a person who you like and like you in return. I always thought that is a Moulin rouge fantasy and that is why I choose to find a person who like me a lot. I think a lot of people will choose this because it is supposed to be fortunate to have someone who like you and dote on you while it is tiring to love someone who do not love u that much in return.
However Moulin rouge fantasy is the right way to go. One should find someone he loves a lot and in return, love you. Even though it seems impossibleÂ… even though there are no perfect things in the worldÂ…It is the right thing to do. If u choose the above question to be someone who like you a lot but you do not like in return, you will face a severe dilemma like me. Later on in life you find someone who you like a lot and like you in return. But it is already too late.
Typical story is like this. I used to like a girl a lot. I crazily chased her. I failed. Totally miserable with no confidence in myself anymore. Met another girl. Seems to like me. Go out for a few dates. Acceptable and become girlfriend. Eventually become wife. However we face problems such as me lacking passion and energy in planning anything in the future with her or do anything for her. There is just noÂ… enthusiasmÂ… I never really crazily like my wife but I can live with her for many years. There are no real problems except having little enthusiasm for anything related to her and it is straining her. Then I met another girl and I started to like her. I go back to the time when I crazily like a girl again. We have similar character, similar hobbies and we like each other. Whenever I think of the future with her, it is something I always wanted in life. When I think of my future with my wife, all I see isÂ….. a normal lifeÂ…..
So what should I do ? Divorce and try to seek a new life with the new found love ? We only live once and being in a unfeeling relationship is not helping any of the parties. Stay with my wife and become a moral and responsible man ? Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love.
What should one choose ?
Imagine coming home everyday to someone who loves someone else..
Sad rite?
Let me ask you, if one day you came back from work and found your wife sleeping with other guy, will you really be angry at her?
Angry for what? Since you want to play with another gal why can't she play with another man?
Do you know that you are making a laughing stock out of marriage and the girl who loves you more then you love her.
If you really love the other girl then divorce lor, prove to us that your so call love for the other gal is so true and so really that you will do anything for her?
Scared? Cannot do it ? If you are a real man then you should give your wife and the girl you love a chance, instead of hiding behind all this crap.
YOu keep saying that the replies here are "Insult and jokes and cheeky" but have you honestly ask yourself why people want to say this things against you?
Actually what is the point of us advising you?
YOu know what is rite and refuse to do it then whats the point? -
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i think you are too unsure of what you want
might as well, treat it as a fling, and make the best out of both world
since, you have already settle down for quite a few years with your wife, don't you feel it is a pity to end the marriage, if you really want to regain the passion with your wife again, are you trying hard enough or simply blame it on the word - passion,
then why in the first place, would you want to marry your wife in the first place, you are already reaching 30s, and if you are still so unsure, then you are behaving like a 17 years old kid -
can u confirm ur interest wun change after tis gal? she wild type? how u know she likes u? seriously u should be grateful tat u hv a wife who willing walk down the road of life with u... tink hard....
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I was looking for this too...Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:
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You made a mistake then, to marry the one you don't love.
You've chose to take up the responsibility of a husband. Since you've made your decision then, why are you trying to go back on it now?
If you divorce her, and get together with the girl, can you be sure the next girl that comes along, would not attract you?
Love is not an emotion, it is a decision. Perhaps you think you may not love your wife, but one day, when something happens, then perhaps you would realise otherwise.
Though, I seriously think you should head to a professional marriage counsellor. He or She would be able to provide you with better advices, I suppose. -
Troubled,
In your first post, you wrote this about your wife.
"but I can live with her for many years."
This sentence.. is the essence to having a long lasting marriage.
What you have with the other girl, is known as infatuation.
A short lived passion.
Why short lived you may ask.
Because eventually, all the passion, enthusiasm.... whirlwind, typhoon, hurricane courtship and sweet moments, will become .." normal".
However, I do prefer you to divorce your wife.
Reasons.. is very simple...
She deserves someone who loves her.
Someone who cherish her.
Since she is still not over her prime yet.
Please let her go, you have hold her back too many years.
It is time she find someone who really deserves her.
Please stop wasting her time.
The longer you drag, the more you are ruining her chances of finding your replacement.
Be a man. Let her go. -
I would very much wanna agree with jojo.....as much as i would like you to find a solution with ur wife on what is lacking in this marriage.
You seem to have regretted now & i hope u do not regret another time when this girl whom ur currently interested no longer has interest.
Be wise & do the right thing....good luck
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When you marry someone, you make a decision to be with that person forever..
I remember reading somewhere, there will always be better person out there. Someone whom you will think is prettier, more suitable for you, etc.
But what makes marriage works is commitment. The willingness to continue to stick to each other, to talk any problem out, and to find a solution for them. Not just giving up the moment you meet the "better" person.
For you haven't been with that person long enough. Now it is all good and nice. But when you are with her long enough, you will also find out that there are parts of her that turn you off, and remember there is always someone better out there, and what happens next when you meet one of them again?
When will this ever end? -
What you guys have said are very true. I agree that I am the antagoniser in this story and all the fault and blame lies on me. And my wife deserve someone better than me and I should tell her my situation and face it bravely. Maybe I am indeed the coward that hides behind a forum and seek advises from the other people instead of facing it one to one.
On the buddhist story, I find it interesting but it also in a way tells that everybody in the world is the same and there is no special one out there. Is that the truth about love ? Is marrying someone just because you can live with her and not because you are truly crazy about her the right way ? All love will die and shrink and everybody you are with, no matter how deeply you are in love with, goes back to the same ending ? I think maybe I am too idealistic about love.
By the way I am a year into the marriage. And I am not going to have a fling with the other girl and it is the worst thing to do.