My wife always threaten divorce wen we quarrel.How 2 handle?
-
No, I have absolutely nothing to hide from you and that's the problem. Despite my honesty and faithfulness in this r/s, she still scrutinize my life.Originally posted by juz4you:do you have anything that you hide from her guy? im sure there's something that makes her feel that you cheat on her.. if you're not, talk to her.. Tell everything.. before she ask you.
This the problem, guys never tell if girls never asked? dont ya? haha..
dont always make your wife ask you, tell her 1st, share the things that you've been through, if you never tell.. how she can know? she can only think the bad things? or think anything.
make sure, that you're really faithful,and honest enough before you want to ask anything from your wife..
a little bit secret can make girls being so jealous and make girls being so sensi guy, so... You know what you should do to make your marriage last forever right?
ALL THE BEST, GBU!
I'm trying to tell her more these days, like who called my hp. But that doesn't stop her from being unsupportive when I discuss matters with her. -
Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
Yes, basically one chooses. Except for marriage, everything else is easy to resolve when our choice doesn't turn out as expected or satisfactory. I may like a car and bought it. If it turns out to be a lemon, I sell it. Love? Not exactly. For marriage, there are more complicated issues. People have feelings and attachments. Car doesn't have feeling for you nor does it get attached to you.
I have no issue being a divorcee and stuff. I do not care about being a laughing stock and stuff. In fact, what people say seldom bother me. The fact that you mention "not happy, then quit" is the kind of brain wash that Disney and television has done to us.
Remember, we all choose our own spouse. Nobody forced a gun on our head and told us to marry. Don't forget the marriage vows that couple take together,[b]"share riches and in poverty....share happiness and in sadness". If love does not exist, I would have called it quits. Anyway, I posted here to seek help, not criticism. This is the 1st time I've shared so much with anybody. If I do not let it all out and bottle it up, I fear the consequences could be worse.[/b]
Love is the usual excuse to get married but every counselor will tell you that it takes more then love to make the marriage work. And it takes both parties, not one!
So, how you want to resolve your frustrations is up tp you. No one here is going to force you.
But don't you think you are whinning here? -
Let him whine lah, after all whining here is free mah...let the man have some place to release his pressure and stress otherwise mi afraid another jumping MRT case.Originally posted by TheGoodEarth:Yes, basically one chooses. Except for marriage, everything else is easy to resolve when our choice doesn't turn out as expected or satisfactory. I may like a car and bought it. If it turns out to be a lemon, I sell it. Love? Not exactly. For marriage, there are more complicated issues. People have feelings and attachments. Car doesn't have feeling for you nor does it get attached to you.
Love is the usual excuse to get married but every counselor will tell you that it takes more then love to make the marriage work. And it takes two party, not one!
So, how you want to resolve your frustrations is up tp you. No one here is going to force you.
But don't you think you are whinning here? -
TS, when a person under depression, no point pushing.
Just keep staying by them, go out for activities in the sun and keep their minds off problems and let the mind rest for a while and be calm.
Only after that perhasp you can suggest steps and both parties put in effort to achieve a better r/s. And every small win, remember to celebrate them instead of belittle them. It was hurtful when my husband never notice my efforts and always tell me its never enough. Till I give up because nothing will ever be enough. I am in depression all the time. It took lots of effort not to let it become all of my life. -
OK, OK, don't be a heroine. Our MRT track is not for running or jumping.Originally posted by angel7030:Let him whine lah, after all whining here is free mah...let the man have some place to release his pressure and stress otherwise mi afraid another jumping MRT case. -
Agree. This depression thing is frightening. Sometimes, you don't even know what is the cause. But if you do, then do something about it, instead of whinning.Originally posted by mistyblue:TS, when a person under depression, no point pushing.
Just keep staying by them, go out for activities in the sun and keep their minds off problems and let the mind rest for a while and be calm.
Only after that perhasp you can suggest steps and both parties put in effort to achieve a better r/s. And every small win, remember to celebrate them instead of belittle them. It was hurtful when my husband never notice my efforts and always tell me its never enough. Till I give up because nothing will ever be enough. I am in depression all the time. It took lots of effort not to let it become all of my life. -
Misty, u ask me to play hardball? Can I ask if you have played before? No offence, I just want to know.Originally posted by mistyblue:TS, when a person under depression, no point pushing.
Just keep staying by them, go out for activities in the sun and keep their minds off problems and let the mind rest for a while and be calm.
Only after that perhasp you can suggest steps and both parties put in effort to achieve a better r/s. And every small win, remember to celebrate them instead of belittle them. It was hurtful when my husband never notice my efforts and always tell me its never enough. Till I give up because nothing will ever be enough. I am in depression all the time. It took lots of effort not to let it become all of my life.
Have you both ever planned for kids before the mess starts? I tin I understand a bit of your feelings. Nothing I ever do will ever be enough. I must admit I can't take this divorce threat soon. So, I will want to go berserk soon, if my wife still insists on her way. -
I find this sentence totally unappropriateOriginally posted by TheGoodEarth:Yes, basically one chooses. Except for marriage, everything else is easy to resolve when our choice doesn't turn out as expected or satisfactory. I may like a car and bought it. If it turns out to be a lemon, I sell it. Love? Not exactly. For marriage, there are more complicated issues. People have feelings and attachments. Car doesn't have feeling for you nor does it get attached to you.
Love is the usual excuse to get married but every counselor will tell you that it takes more then love to make the marriage work. And it takes both parties, not one!
So, how you want to resolve your frustrations is up tp you. No one here is going to force you.
But don't you think you are whinning here?
-
I am now playing hard ball. Fed up after taking one year of his sh!t.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Misty, u ask me to play hardball? Can I ask if you have played before? No offence, I just want to know.
Have you both ever planned for kids before the mess starts? I tin I understand a bit of your feelings. Nothing I ever do will ever be enough. I must admit I can't take this divorce threat soon. So, I will want to go berserk soon, if my wife still insists on her way.
my Husband tell me he don't like to talk to me because he cannot accept what I tell him. He refuse to listen and we will end up fighting. He had on so many occasion shouted me down, use aggressive body language that if a guy is in the room will propably think he will use physical force - to force me to obey, and etc. This is the kind of "respect" i get from my husband but I have to kowtow to him all the time otherwise he will get angry and make me apologise for my unhappy mood, black face or whatever that he thinks I did on purpose. my r/s with my husband is tainted because he bear grudges and will always jump to conclusion. However when I bring up past actions he done, he claims I am digging up the past or when I correct him about his immediate behaviour, he gets defensive and start pointing out all my faults. So I always lose - so I lost confidence of myself and as a human, I thought maybe I am better off dead.
Now I just get fed up till I cannot take it because I realise he is a bad husband and I had been verbally abused for a long time. So this week I shut my door and stop talking to him. In April 07 He ask me to consider divorce. in May 07 He told me to move out.
Really I do not care and I know the consequence. However, I am unwilling to stay unhappy anymore. I rather choose to be happy be it single or otherwise.
I do not want kids until I can be sure and settled down because I do not want to bring more trouble to myself and the child. If the adults cannot live correctly and properly, having the kid will just make things worse.
Just push me one more time and I will really move out and I will accept his request to divorce. I am not a person who will revent my decision when I move ahead. I don't care and do not think back and I don't have regret because its really the past. I will walk out and never go back. And I will make sure he paid me every singe cent I spend. All through my dating days, to marriage to the house I paid half and bought him many gifts and he hardly ever buy me anything. Holidays we go on, I also paid up. I even paid for a couple of long distance trips and he didn't even have to spend a single cent. To tell you the truth, he does not intend to improve or study to even achieve his 'O' levels cert or take up any training to improve himself. But I let him be and respect him. But when I keep having to pay for everything when his big mouth keep saying he can support me, I laff in my heart and never believe a single word. He can barely support his spendthrif lifestyle.
I can survive better on my own - never needed him and he does not provide me anything or support emotionally or otherwise. So really I do not feel I gained anything with marriage but just a lot of debts, extra work for the house and his parents to please. -
mistyblue,Originally posted by mistyblue:I asked him to go, he flatly refused because he does not see any issue. He thinks I am the problem and told me to change in order to fit into his family. I've change and given way till I cannot take it. Yes. I know its divorce. Does not matter, don't intend to get married. I've filled up some of the forms already.
I am sorry tat things did not work out in the end.
This may seem like the beginning of the end, but I hope you see it as the end of the beginning.
Take care! -
Gosh, he is such a lucky guy and probably will only realise it when it is too late.Originally posted by mistyblue:I am now playing hard ball. Fed up after taking one year of his sh!t.
my Husband tell me he don't like to talk to me because he cannot accept what I tell him. He refuse to listen and we will end up fighting. He had on so many occasion shouted me down, use aggressive body language that if a guy is in the room will propably think he will use physical force - to force me to obey, and etc. This is the kind of "respect" i get from my husband but I have to kowtow to him all the time otherwise he will get angry and make me apologise for my unhappy mood, black face or whatever that he thinks I did on purpose. my r/s with my husband is tainted because he bear grudges and will always jump to conclusion. However when I bring up past actions he done, he claims I am digging up the past or when I correct him about his immediate behaviour, he gets defensive and start pointing out all my faults. So I always lose - so I lost confidence of myself and as a human, I thought maybe I am better off dead.
Now I just get fed up till I cannot take it because I realise he is a bad husband and I had been verbally abused for a long time. So this week I shut my door and stop talking to him. In April 07 He ask me to consider divorce. in May 07 He told me to move out.
Really I do not care and I know the consequence. However, I am unwilling to stay unhappy anymore. I rather choose to be happy be it single or otherwise.
I do not want kids until I can be sure and settled down because I do not want to bring more trouble to myself and the child. If the adults cannot live correctly and properly, having the kid will just make things worse.
Just push me one more time and I will really move out and I will accept his request to divorce. I am not a person who will revent my decision when I move ahead. I don't care and do not think back and I don't have regret because its really the past. I will walk out and never go back. And I will make sure he paid me every singe cent I spend. All through my dating days, to marriage to the house I paid half and bought him many gifts and he hardly ever buy me anything. Holidays we go on, I also paid up. I even paid for a couple of long distance trips and he didn't even have to spend a single cent. To tell you the truth, he does not intend to improve or study to even achieve his 'O' levels cert or take up any training to improve himself. But I let him be and respect him. But when I keep having to pay for everything when his big mouth keep saying he can support me, I laff in my heart and never believe a single word. He can barely support his spendthrif lifestyle.
I can survive better on my own - never needed him and he does not provide me anything or support emotionally or otherwise. So really I do not feel I gained anything with marriage but just a lot of debts, extra work for the house and his parents to please. -
OK, there are other reasons .... money, look, .... but how many would say so? Most gave love the reason for getting married. Could you give us your reason or what you think are the other reasons?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I find this sentence totally unappropriate -
Hi Misty,Originally posted by mistyblue:I am now playing hard ball. Fed up after taking one year of his sh!t.
my Husband tell me he don't like to talk to me because he cannot accept what I tell him. He refuse to listen and we will end up fighting. He had on so many occasion shouted me down, use aggressive body language that if a guy is in the room will propably think he will use physical force - to force me to obey, and etc. This is the kind of "respect" i get from my husband but I have to kowtow to him all the time otherwise he will get angry and make me apologise for my unhappy mood, black face or whatever that he thinks I did on purpose. my r/s with my husband is tainted because he bear grudges and will always jump to conclusion. However when I bring up past actions he done, he claims I am digging up the past or when I correct him about his immediate behaviour, he gets defensive and start pointing out all my faults. So I always lose - so I lost confidence of myself and as a human, I thought maybe I am better off dead.
Now I just get fed up till I cannot take it because I realise he is a bad husband and I had been verbally abused for a long time. So this week I shut my door and stop talking to him. In April 07 He ask me to consider divorce. in May 07 He told me to move out.
Really I do not care and I know the consequence. However, I am unwilling to stay unhappy anymore. I rather choose to be happy be it single or otherwise.
I do not want kids until I can be sure and settled down because I do not want to bring more trouble to myself and the child. If the adults cannot live correctly and properly, having the kid will just make things worse.
Just push me one more time and I will really move out and I will accept his request to divorce. I am not a person who will revent my decision when I move ahead. I don't care and do not think back and I don't have regret because its really the past. I will walk out and never go back. And I will make sure he paid me every singe cent I spend. All through my dating days, to marriage to the house I paid half and bought him many gifts and he hardly ever buy me anything. Holidays we go on, I also paid up. I even paid for a couple of long distance trips and he didn't even have to spend a single cent. To tell you the truth, he does not intend to improve or study to even achieve his 'O' levels cert or take up any training to improve himself. But I let him be and respect him. But when I keep having to pay for everything when his big mouth keep saying he can support me, I laff in my heart and never believe a single word. He can barely support his spendthrif lifestyle.
I can survive better on my own - never needed him and he does not provide me anything or support emotionally or otherwise. So really I do not feel I gained anything with marriage but just a lot of debts, extra work for the house and his parents to please.
I am sorry for your predicament. Yeah, I can't be sure if I want kids anymore 'cause we always fight and she'll always suggest divorce. She's those type that will run away with kid one day and leave me alone. She has threatened this before(even before we have kids) and it scared me. Unfortunately, I bear grudges as well, but I've learnt not to, and most importantly, never bring any old accounts up when we argue. Same thoughts; if we adults cannot co-exist properly, we are just bringing harm to the kid if we seperate.
We do not have financial issues and seldom quarrel about it. In fact, when she moody, I will try to brighten her up by buying gifts to her. Yes, I did bring her to holiday as well. It doesn't matter 'cause I dote on her out of my free will.
Latest update is that we just had an sms fight. Of course, she suggested we separate again. This time, she said she is not threatening and avoid using the word divorce. I suspect she may have read this forum. My mind is in a mess right now. I sms her to see a marriage counsellor together, but she did not reply. I fear the end may be near for me as well
-
Well, dont bank on it. some people may never realise and will still think it is others' fault.Originally posted by TheGoodEarth:OK, there are other reasons .... money, look, .... but how many would say so? Most gave love the reason for getting married. Could you give us your reason or what you think are the other reasons? -
I think you guys need help from counsellor or a 3rd party. You need to manage the relationship better.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Hi Misty,
I am sorry for your predicament. Yeah, I can't be sure if I want kids anymore 'cause we always fight and she'll always suggest divorce. She's those type that will run away with kid one day and leave me alone. She has threatened this before(even before we have kids) and it scared me. Unfortunately, I bear grudges as well, but I've learnt not to, and most importantly, never bring any old accounts up when we argue. Same thoughts; if we adults cannot co-exist properly, we are just bringing harm to the kid if we seperate.
We do not have financial issues and seldom quarrel about it. In fact, when she moody, I will try to brighten her up by buying gifts to her. Yes, I did bring her to holiday as well. It doesn't matter 'cause I dote on her out of my free will.
Latest update is that we just had an sms fight. Of course, she suggested we separate again. This time, she said she is not threatening and avoid using the word divorce. I suspect she may have read this forum. My mind is in a mess right now. I sms her to see a marriage counsellor together, but she did not reply. I fear the end may be near for me as well
She needs to manage herself a little better. Essentially you guys love each other. You two need to talk freely and openly.
I am not sure why your wife is so agitated but its best to work it out. However, as long as you love her..
I do not know what to feel about my husband. I just feel stressed at home previously. Nowadays, because I no longer care and I am prepared to walk, I felt a little better. -
Yeah, misty is right, go look for a counsellor to talk this out with your wife or let her thrash it all out - she will feel better and she will be more 'opened' to what your and the counsellor will say to her.Originally posted by mistyblue:I think you guys need help from counsellor or a 3rd party. You need to manage the relationship better.
She needs to manage herself a little better. Essentially you guys love each other. You two need to talk freely and openly.
I am not sure why your wife is so agitated but its best to work it out. However, as long as you love her..
I do not know what to feel about my husband. I just feel stressed at home previously. Nowadays, because I no longer care and I am prepared to walk, I felt a little better.
Haven't got to read the previous postings from you... I guess the tips I shared with you are not really helping for now - probably because the relationship has move to a stage that is beyond your control and intervention - it is best to look for a counsellor to patch up and restore ties between you and your wife.
For now, please still continue to stay at your best form and not agitate her further... Frankly speaking, the fury that she blows whenever she is agitated can seriously damage her health and yours too. Stay at peace with her, no point getting angry along with her, also don't try shut her up... just let her thrash...
Perhaps you are feeling rather sick and tired of her whinning, her anger and all her unhappy points... try to hang in there for a little while more until you look for a counsellor...
Depending on the situation, sometimes it is best for both of you to have some time of separation to soothe issues and after a few weeks or months later, return back to one another and determine whether are you or is she happier without either party or feel lost without either party. This temporary separation... although it may be rather drastic for some partners, but it is the only way for both parties to determine whether divorce is really the key or not and to allow both parties to have a moment with themselves and reflect on what they have done and what they could have done to make things better. (This is just what some counsellors might suggest, but please still look for one for help - he/she may have other better advices and suggestions to give to both of you.)
By the way, I am unsure of the faith you are believing in... could you message me to my Mailbox the details regarding which faith do you believe in? It will help me determine whether I can further help you in your situation as well... (other than getting help from the counsellor, my services are always free...
) -
That's why I said before: if you are sane, lay the cards on the table and work something out before you become insane or join IMH.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Misty, u ask me to play hardball? Can I ask if you have played before? No offence, I just want to know.
Have you both ever planned for kids before the mess starts? I tin I understand a bit of your feelings. Nothing I ever do will ever be enough. I must admit I can't take this divorce threat soon. So, I will want to go berserk soon, if my wife still insists on her way. -
Call National Family Services Centre Hotline : 1800-8380100
-
Yes Reyes, you can run away from domestic chaos, using your work as a superb excuse.
Can your wife do that too ?
As much as you claim to be a responsible father, you are a very irresponsible husband.
While you having the best time of your life now away from home, your wife is left at home alone to care for your child, and to seek solace in the four walls that bounds her to the marriage.
No wonder she constantly ask for divorce. Perhaps you really do deserve it.
sorry sister, i dont own the company as such business trip are not meant to run away but necessity in work for buying bread and butter. can i ask do you live with your MIL? or are you single?
responsible or not depending whether you stand in the view of the wife or my mother isnt it?
you are thinking my wife dont have any friends and relative right? it aint koreans or taiwanese show. she aint that pity.
bet you ladys think it alright to use divorce as a threat. if you are married, i hope your hubbt are numb to your threat otherwise... i
if you are still single, all the best... coz life is about experiencing right?
-
I am not Christian, but a free soul.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I hate to pull religion into this, but you sounded like a Christian. Bear in mind I have no prejudice in any religion. I thought in Christian terms, one is give all his love and expect nothing back? Am I wrong?
Well, I love my computer, I love my game, I also love my handphone. Sadly, they can't love me back, right?
The only thing I agree with you is that marriage takes 2 hands to clap. Somehow my wife stop clapping and started slapping(not physically). That's why I am having stress over this 
What I meant by never love a thing that can't love you back.
Your computer, games and handphone can't love you back but it brings you joy. Simply, love someone who can bring you joy. Find someone who can bring laughters to your life.
All of us know you love your wife. Take it easy since you have already make your lifetime decision. -
I think that you have to stop thinking of divorce if u want to save the marriage...
Now that she is angry
u as a man, try to pamper her and make her feel loved again...
I know u are irritated by her suggestions...
try telling her in a polite and nice way and dun not expect her to change overnight...
then u as a man, must be more forgiving... dun be too petty!!!
u and her already marry, try produce a baby !!!!
why quarrel??? so unhealthy!!!
jia you!!! -
Yo! you have nothing hide from me? haha... ok, from your wife la..Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:No, I have absolutely nothing to hide from you and that's the problem. Despite my honesty and faithfulness in this r/s, she still scrutinize my life.
I'm trying to tell her more these days, like who called my hp. But that doesn't stop her from being unsupportive when I discuss matters with her.
well, if you really had nothing to hide.. try be more patient, talk to her.. ask her why she always had a bad thinking of ya..
everyone has their own reason to do what ever thing that is.. im sure you guys just not enough communication and not knowing eachother that well .. but that's not that bad ba.. start now on you guys can learn more to understand and knowing each other.
sometimes i feel that my hubby so sensitive evry little things that i said can make him so angry, and shouted at me.. well, sometimes i just feel he's totally over reacting.. And you know why, that's another reason why i think that he's hiding something from me. its just like he had something that he never tell me lo.. So sad leh..
anyway, how long you know you dating with your wife, before you guys married? -
Omigosh... this will be a really tough nut to crack. I don't know brother, but if really the relationship is that bad and there is like no hope for both of you to really settle down properly and enjoy life, then I will probably suggest both of you to have temporary separation for a while - just to cool things off...Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I do not know how to bring her for counselling without another fight. Obviously, even if there's a problem, it will be difficult for her to recognise it. She doesn't allow her or my parents to get involved liao, what chance does a 3rd party stand?
These tensions in a relationship on hard rocks can really damage one's health, both mentally and physically, it will be best to ease the tensions by taking a break off the relationship for both parties to cool down and reflect.
Though I do not endorse or feel good divorce, but sad to say this... I feel that it may be the end of the road for your relationship with your wife. Do correct me if I am wrong, I need the updates so as to be able to follow up with your case effectively.
You are right... That's agape love - unconditional love, to give love unconditionally, with no strings attached. But do bear in mind that in a relationship there must always be a two-way flow of giving between the two partners. One can give love all the time, but in order for the relationship to work out... a response from the other party is needed!Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I hate to pull religion into this, but you sounded like a Christian. Bear in mind I have no prejudice in any religion. I thought in Christian terms, one is give all his love and expect nothing back? Am I wrong?
Well, I love my computer, I love my game, I also love my handphone. Sadly, they can't love me back, right?
The only thing I agree with you is that marriage takes 2 hands to clap. Somehow my wife stop clapping and started slapping(not physically). That's why I am having stress over this
It something like responding to your partner... Let's take for example, I give you a present - that's the giving part... and you accept it and say thanks - that's the response part...
That response is needed or else the person who is giving will feel appreciated and happy that he is able to give. If there is no response or probably a bad response was given by the other party, what is the use of giving in the first place? In the end, you will be all stressed out because the other party failed to appreciate the 'gifts of love' that you might have given unconditionally all this while...
By the way, the love you have for your handphone, computer, etc. cannot be applied to a relationship... it's way different! -
precisely it is important that both partners sing the same tune, when that happens it becomes a dream.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I hate to pull religion into this, but you sounded like a Christian. Bear in mind I have no prejudice in any religion. I thought in Christian terms, one is give all his love and expect nothing back? Am I wrong?
Well, I love my computer, I love my game, I also love my handphone. Sadly, they can't love me back, right?
The only thing I agree with you is that marriage takes 2 hands to clap. Somehow my wife stop clapping and started slapping(not physically). That's why I am having stress over this
and now both of u are singing different notes.....u need a conductor to get u guys back in tune.
we always want to give unconditional love but lets face it, in reality such thing can never happen becoz we need to be loved back. Unconditional love can happen but it may not last very long if the other party doesn't receiprocrate.
and this is ur case, ur the one giving in & have decided to continue giving in. How long do you think this can go on
it will be good if she reads this thread & yes, she needs help seriously. so please get a councillor asap -
Thanks guys for the advice.
Last Friday, after I received no sms from her, I returned home. Then she pulled a luggage bag to my house to collect all her stuff. It was very bad. She was prepared to end it all. We had a really big fight, but finally got her to sit down and lay out all the cards!!!
I scolded her, but at the same time reasoned with her. Surprisingly, she was able to hear what I said. I manage to pin-point what went wrong with her and also admitted how I might not have paid her enough attention. Me, being more positive and strong, I told her how she was heading the wrong way, being so irrational and wilful all the time.
She calmed down and began to realise that I had made sense. Hey, my wife was not that crazy after all. She told me she needed more support from me. Anyway, long story short, I believe our problems were due to lack of proper communications. I do not like confrontations, but I am not a bad debater as well. So when I showed how she done wrong and told her not to be like this, she just agreed.
I hope this is not some temporary peace. I think I need to work on it more to maintain a healthy relationship. Anyway, thanks again for all the advice.