My wife always threaten divorce wen we quarrel.How 2 handle?
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ABC ABC.. antecedent behaviour consequences
first u need to know the antecedent - what CAUSES the behaviour?
u don't know that, u can spend whole life thinking of solution also won't make a difference.
so observe observe... issit.. time of the month more likely? issit when u come home late more likely? issit when u visit ur mother more likely? issit when she eat wonton mee more likely to quarrel? -
Nobody likes to be accused. Some people find the thrill in accusing someone with no valid reasons. This could be due to dissatisfaction with the current situation. Accusing someone with self assumptions or simply from self imagination of situation is harmful. One must know that accusation and possessiveness are not love. Proving one's assumption needs one's capability than simply assuming.
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How trueOriginally posted by RedizAlertz:
Now, that's wat i call the communication breakdown betwn a man & a woman. Sighz...
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Frustrated Guy,
I have always prefer to advocate working out the kinks instead of divorce.
But in your case......
Your wife.... cannot keep.
She is too manipulative, using emotional blackmail.
I'm very sure you will find someone else who is not so vicious.
Since you have no kids yet, it's best to let this marriage go.
Because, life will take a downward spiral after children, if you chose to stay.
There will be a lot more quarrels and a lot more at stake.
Think twice if you still want to continue, you have done enough for her already. -
If TS is right about his wife, that she "is not as controlled of her feelings as" he is. "If she gets angry, she will go all out to destroy whatever is in her path, even to the extent of hurting herself.", i am not so sure if she is trying to blackmail TS.Originally posted by jojobeach:Frustrated Guy,
I have always prefer to advocate working out the kinks instead of divorce.
But in your case......
Your wife.... cannot keep.
She is too manipulative, using emotional blackmail.
I'm very sure you will find someone else who is not so vicious.
Since you have no kids yet, it's best to let this marriage go.
Because, life will take a downward spiral after children, if you chose to stay.
There will be a lot more quarrels and a lot more at stake.
Think twice if you still want to continue, you have done enough for her already.
Maybe she is just psychologically inadequate to handle it? hence trying to suicide the marriage? i am of course not encouraging such behaviour, just trying to understand her perspective. Such behaviour are really hard to handle and discouraging for the party who wants to work out the relationship.
Since TS has, after such a long vexing time, finally deduced the reasons why she is behaving in such a manner, why not try to work out the medicine to cure the relationship?
I know it is gonna be hard, and it is always easier said than done, but who says that the path of marriage is easy? arent marriage about taking care of each other for lives? Till death do they part? if at the sight of any character flaw, one party is going to give up, what is marriage? -
When a partner is destructive in a marriage.Originally posted by blu_sky:If TS is right about his wife, that she "is not as controlled of her feelings as" he is. "If she gets angry, she will go all out to destroy whatever is in her path, even to the extent of hurting herself.", i am not so sure if she is trying to blackmail TS.
Maybe she is just psychologically inadequate to handle it? hence trying to suicide the marriage? i am of course not encouraging such behaviour, just trying to understand her perspective. Such behaviour are really hard to handle and discouraging for the party who wants to work out the relationship.
Since TS has, after such a long vexing time, finally deduced the reasons why she is behaving in such a manner, why not try to work out the medicine to cure the relationship?
I know it is gonna be hard, and it is always easier said than done, but who says that the path of marriage is easy? arent marriage about taking care of each other for lives? Till death do they part? if at the sight of any character flaw, one party is going to give up, what is marriage?
There is only one ending.
When you marry someone, both of you are trying to "BUILD" a life together.
Vows is one thing, it takes two to keep it.
When one party is not working to keep their part of the deal, a vow is useless.
Yes it is true, you are suppose take care of each other, NOT tear one down.
There are many kinds of character flaws.....
But the abusive ones destroys any goodwill in any relationship.
Why be victim to such abusive person, because he took the vow ?
There is a reason why divorce exists. Be realistic.
Nobody goes into a marriage waiting to be divorce.
TS has tried, he deserves his life back.
A simple question for you.
Imagine you took a marriage vow with this wonderful man.
Then after marriage, he abuse you physically or verbally, every other day.
Are you going to stick to the marriage just because you took the vows ?
Say you have kids with him, he becomes alchoholic or a hopeless gambler.
Are you going to resign to your own fate and let your children suffer ???? -
Agree with most of the things you have said. but, TS has juz 'found out' that part of his wife, that she will try to 'destroy' things when she is upset. i totally agree that this is totally destructive, and chances are, ending aint going to be gd. but havent try, how he knows (note: he admitted that he had just found out this part about her lately)?Originally posted by jojobeach:When a partner is destructive in a marriage.
There is only one ending.
When you marry someone, both of you are trying to "BUILD" a life together.
Vows is one thing, it takes two to keep it.
When one party is not working to keep their part of the deal, a vow is useless.
Yes it is true, you are suppose take care of each other, NOT tear one down.
There are many kinds of character flaws.....
But the abusive ones destroys any goodwill in any relationship.
Why be victim to such abusive person, because he took the vow ?
There is a reason why divorce exists. Be realistic.
Nobody goes into a marriage waiting to be divorce.
TS has tried, he deserves his life back. -
TS is not a stupid guy.Originally posted by blu_sky:Agree with most of the things you have said. but, TS has juz 'found out' that part of his wife, that she will try to 'destroy' things when she is upset. i totally agree that this is totally destructive, and chances are, ending aint going to be gd. but havent try, how he knows (note: he admitted that he had just found out this part about her lately)?
He is just attributing her behavior to whatever reason he can come up with.
Men tends to be in denial.
Nobody wants to see their own marriage falls apart.
Men especially don't do well with admitting failures.
When a person is desperate enough to want to hold on to their pride, they will sometimes lie to themself. Even though the truth is right in front of them.
Eyes wide shut. -
ya, you probably know about him and his situation more than he himself. AFter all, TS is not a stupid guy.Originally posted by jojobeach:TS is not a stupid guy.
He is just attributing her behavior to whatever reason he can come up with.
Men tends to be in denial.
Nobody wants to see their own marriage falls apart.
Men especially don't do well with admitting failures.
When a person is desperate enough to want to hold on to their pride, they will sometimes lie to themself. Even though the truth is right in front of them.
Eyes wide shut. -
You are also very smart.Originally posted by blu_sky:ya, you probably knows about him and his situation more than he himself. AFter all, TS is not a stupid guy. -
You are also very smart to comprehend that so quickly, thats what everyone says about meOriginally posted by jojobeach:You are also very smart. -
Hey TS,
I think you really need to settle your wife down for a talk. Preferably, find a moment in your life when you are not quarreling, and are level headed. Perhaps, after a good meal, or something good. Find a good premise to begin with.
Tell her how you feel. That despite the friction and quarrels, divorce is something that you would refuse to consider in the first place. And try to talk to her and find out why she's always "proposing" a divorce whenever you quarrel.
This talk is not a confrontation, a real heart to heart talk. Avoid using words like "You always say", "Threaten", "Anyhow." Be thoughtful about the words you use. Women are sensitive creatures.
There could be many reasons why she reacts in such a manner. Perhaps she's feeling insecure. Perhaps you're not spending enough time with her. Or maybe she thinks you're having an affair ( I hope not).
Quarrels are unavoidable, and neither are they the source of your problems. Be committed to have "good" fights with her, where both of you don't threaten to walk out, and are resolute in working things out together.
Cheers mate! -
When someone you care about, is on the path of unhappiness, what do you do?
Do nothing, but watch sadly?
No, you would try to do something.
But then you get nowhere, and get scolded too.
So, you give up?
For acquaintances, neighbours, relatives etc. yes/maybe depending on the bond.
But not for your family, especially your child, your spouse, your siblings, your parents.
You don't give up easily.
Unless, of course, you don't care enough. -
Shotgun,Originally posted by Shotgun:Hey TS,
Tell her how you feel. That despite the friction and quarrels, divorce is something that you would refuse to consider in the first place.
Cheers mate!
By telling her that divorce will never be considered as part of the settlement deal.
You are pretty much telling TS to continue enabling his wife's behavior.
A bully continues her bullying ways because she believe you cannot live without her.
I believe TS's wife has a very serious self-esteem problem.
Such person likes to see her victim cowers in fear.
Or feels important when the other party begs for her to stay.
A marriage counselor may help, but there are also cases when even the counselor feels that is to everyone's benefit that the marriage be dissolved.
A crazy person will not admit he/she is crazy.
A person who thinks he/she is crazy is not crazy. -
Everybody's a bit crazy.
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JJB, U r too extreme. Either u hav got urself in such terrible situation b4 & thus this strong feeling abt it or u dun try puttin urself in TS's shoes. My suggestion is tat u read TS reply to all posts again.Originally posted by jojobeach:Shotgun,
By telling her that divorce will never be considered as part of the settlement deal.
You are pretty much telling TS to continue enabling his wife's behavior.
A bully continues her bullying ways because she believe you cannot live without her.
I believe TS's wife has a very serious self-esteem problem.
Such person likes to see her victim cowers in fear.
Or feels important when the other party begs for her to stay.
A marriage counselor may help, but there are also cases when even the counselor feels that is to everyone's benefit that the marriage be dissolved.
A crazy person will not admit he/she is crazy.
A person who thinks he/she is crazy is not crazy.
His wife may b violent, unable to control her emotions, tat doesnt mean she is destoryin TS's life. At the very least, she din abuse him. TS loves his wife, & it's his responsibility to help his wife to control her emotions, cos im sure his wife wld understand all the hard work TS has done & appreciate him then.
I still see hope in his r'ship wif his wife. All TS has to do is to persist & help his wife if he still love her. -
Agree, especially the highlighted portion.Originally posted by RedizAlertz:JJB, U r too extreme. Either u hav got urself in such terrible situation b4 & thus this strong feeling abt it or u dun try puttin urself in TS's shoes. My suggestion is tat u read TS reply to all posts again.
His wife may b violent, unable to control her emotions, tat doesnt mean she is destoryin TS's life. At the very least, she din abuse him. TS loves his wife, & it's his responsibility to help his wife to control her emotions, cos im sure his wife wld understand all the hard work TS has done & appreciate him then.
JJB, if you really had been through such sympathetic situation, i am sorry to hear that. Give yourself a chance. Should you encounter this again (touch wood), dont be too quick to pass judgement. Dont punish your future partners for the acts of your past.
Give yourself and others a chance. -
Unable to control her emotions ??Originally posted by RedizAlertz:JJB, U r too extreme. Either u hav got urself in such terrible situation b4 & thus this strong feeling abt it or u dun try puttin urself in TS's shoes. My suggestion is tat u read TS reply to all posts again.
His wife may b violent, unable to control her emotions, tat doesnt mean she is destoryin TS's life. At the very least, she din abuse him. TS loves his wife, & it's his responsibility to help his wife to control her emotions, cos im sure his wife wld understand all the hard work TS has done & appreciate him then.
I still see hope in his r'ship wif his wife. All TS has to do is to persist & help his wife if he still love her.
Seriously, that woman will need psychological help. PRONTO.
Destroying her marriage is not destroying TS's life ??? Hello ?
Abuse comes in many forms, not just physical. It can be emotional, verbal, financial etc.
Spousal abuse does not ALWAYS means the woman is the victims.
Women DO abuse their husbands too. Unfortunately, most men will chose to remain silent because they don't want to be a laughing stock to others.
If his wife does appreciate him so much, she wouldn't treat him this way.
Perhaps TS is such a lousy husband, she don't give much shite credit that's why this marriage is so explosive.
Hope is always the factor why abused spouses and partner remains in a abusive relationship.
Not everyone is suitable to be a marriage partner. This is the hard fact. -
Blue_sky,Originally posted by blu_sky:Agree, especially the highlighted portion.
JJB, if you really had been through such sympathetic situation, i am sorry to hear that. Give yourself a chance. Should you encounter this again (touch wood), dont be too quick to pass judgement. Dont punish your future partners for the acts of your past.
Give yourself and others a chance.
Sympathetic situation does not happen to me.
Because now I know how to avoid it.
However, I will admit that I treated one of my ex this way.
He was a rebound case. Not good looking.
Lowly educated and a mommy's boy.
Unfortunately, he was a victim at my disposal.
Yes, I bullied him. Because he would beg his way back when I kick him out and ask for break. Yep, everytime we have a disagreement.... even over which movie to watch.
Do I feel bad about treating him this way ? No, I know I can find someone else better. Besides, I didn't force him to stay. He's the one who refuses to give up.
Do I treat my current partner the same way ? No, because I value this current guy.
So there you see ? Everything is a choice. -
[quote]Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
[b]
She said the reason I do not want a divorce is because I scared I lose face and I have not found my fling yet(no backup). [b]
[quote]
Tsk tsk.. she is talking about herself.
She didn't go ahead with the divorce is because she hasn't found HER back-up.
That is why she is dragging you along.
Wake up and smell the roses Frustrated_Guy. -
Yes, everything is a choice.Originally posted by jojobeach:Blue_sky,
Sympathetic situation does not happen to me.
Because now I know how to avoid it.
However, I will admit that I treated one of my ex this way.
He was a rebound case. Not good looking.
Lowly educated and a mommy's boy.
Unfortunately, he was a victim at my disposal.
Yes, I bullied him. Because he would beg his way back when I kick him out and ask for break. Yep, everytime we have a disagreement.... even over which movie to watch.
Do I feel bad about treating him this way ? No, I know I can find someone else better. Besides, I didn't force him to stay. He's the one who refuses to give up.
Do I treat my current partner the same way ? No, because I value this current guy.
So there you see ? Everything is a choice.
It was your choice to enter a relationship despite you were not ready. It was your choice to enter a rebound. It was your choice to pick and accept a lowly educated guy. And yet it was your choice to kick him, treat him like dirt?
Now i will not call it sympathetic. It is pathetic.
And hey, lowly educated is not a sin nor a crime. -
Yes indeed. A pathetic choice. If I had a better choice at that time, I wouldn't have chosen him.Originally posted by blu_sky:Yes, everything is a choice.
It was your choice to enter a relationship despite you were not ready. It was your choice to enter a rebound. It was your choice to pick and accept a lowly educated guy. And yet it was your choice to kick him, treat him like dirt?
Now i will not call it sympathetic. It is pathetic.
And hey, lowly educated is not a sin nor a crime.
It was also his choice to stay.
Unable to control my emotions ?... nah.... what rubbish. -
If there is no good choice, why not choose to stay single?Originally posted by jojobeach:Yes indeed. A pathetic choice. If I had a better choice at that time, I wouldn't have chosen him.
It was also his choice to stay.
Unable to control my emotions ?... nah.... what rubbish. -
U seem to hav be in the same boat as TS's wife. Hav u ever consider leavin ur current bf to relieve him of any of ur emotional breakdown or abuse tat u might hav in future? Cos u seem to know tat TS's wife may not improve her condition, wat makes u think tat u wont treat ur current Bf as u hav treated ur ex??? Set him free..He deserve better.Originally posted by jojobeach:Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
[quote]Originally posted by jojobeach:
[b]
She said the reason I do not want a divorce is because I scared I lose face and I have not found my fling yet(no backup). [b]
[quote]
Tsk tsk.. she is talking about herself.
She didn't go ahead with the divorce is because she hasn't found HER back-up.
That is why she is dragging you along.
b]
[b]
Yes indeed. A pathetic choice. If I had a better choice at that time, I wouldn't have chosen him.
It was also his choice to stay.
Unable to control my emotions ?... nah.... what rubbish. -
Everything is a choice indeed.Originally posted by blu_sky:Yes, everything is a choice.
It was your choice to enter a relationship despite you were not ready. It was your choice to enter a rebound. It was your choice to pick and accept a lowly educated guy. And yet it was your choice to kick him, treat him like dirt?
Now i will not call it sympathetic. It is pathetic.
And hey, lowly educated is not a sin nor a crime.
It is a choice to be nasty or be nice...
It is a choice to be angry or be lovely...
very often we like to justify what we do ... that is also a choice..