My wife always threaten divorce wen we quarrel.How 2 handle?
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It is so easy to put the blame on someone else isn't it? Why blame your husband? You know what he wants and he doesn't want to talk to you about negative things. So what are you going to do about it? Blaming him will not solve anything.Originally posted by mistyblue:That point I agree.
Moving out only deepens the rift.
and she will start thinking of all sorts of things especially the hurt and pain and she will come to the conclusion that to end all hurt and pain, is to divorce. She is protecting herself because she thinks you cannot. She also does not want to hurt you further and she thinks the r/s is hard on you and didn't want to drag. And also she wants to prove you love her, so she say divorce...
You really need to talk to her and talk alot. You also need to be truthful and talk the walk, walk the talk. This built trust.
My husband constantly tell me to make him happy, make his day, not complain, not whine, not talk about any negative things. I had issues at work and troubles now and then. I have no outlet. When I look sad, my husband disallow me to feel sad in front of him or show any unhappiness in front of his family. But his bad tempers and attitude issues, he dish it out to me like I deserve it. Seriously, I live with a dictator with who I cannot freely express myself and I have no rights to feel anything. I cannot even feel stress and I am told that I must be mentally unstable because everyone is so happy in the house. My husband keep telling me how nice he is to his colleague but at home, he does not even treat me with respect. So much for talk the walk, walk the talk. I know he only BS and expect me to accept.
Don't you have any other friends/colleagues/family besides your husband? -
Yeah, when I was in my thoughts thinking of things. He comes around and tell me to stop thinking. I need to think about what I should do with my job as I need to make a firm decision. I just started thinking a little while and organizing my thoughts and my stuff in my head. He literally told me to stop. Then I felt my work life is not smooth and I needed to do something, he told me to go think about what I want to do - so its all BS from him. Really he's a dictator and he is really a bad husband, totally unsupportive and flippant where everything is manipulated to his advantage. I cannot be myself around him and his family because his poor mommy is always around the house. His mommy reports me to him and he will give me a hard time after that. I cannot close my room door cause poor mommy need someone to download her troubles and b!tch about something.Originally posted by dreamykite:Well...don't care what he say since he has been talking nonsense all the time. Just be yourself, express yourself -when you are sad, just be sad, mad when he is not around. The more you care about other's opinion, and behave as what they want, the more unhappy you will become. As long as you did not harm him physically, is alright to be yourself. -
Because talking about the rainy day constitute a negative conversation.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:It is so easy to put the blame on someone else isn't it? Why blame your husband? You know what he wants and he doesn't want to talk to you about negative things. So what are you going to do about it? Blaming him will not solve anything.
Don't you have any other friends/colleagues/family besides your husband?
His mental state cannot accept any negative things from me because his mommy filled is with her negative things and negative stories about what I did not do around the house and that I never massage her or give her money and poor mommy is badly treated because the wife never kowtow and be a dumb maid. His mommy ever insinuated when I come home late from work, it was because I was having a affair outside. How can this kind of things be said? This is the kind of woman I deal with. Then in front of her son, she acts innocent and puts up a show telling him how she treat me good and how I had been nasty to her. He's a mommy boy. He believes her and often times, when I just pass massage from my MIL to him, he told me that I am creating issue for him. But I told him not to kill the messenger.
Blame him? He always blame me for everything every time he starts an argument, he blames me. All these did not arise in 1 day. All these arise because like our TS, I had given way and spoilt him beyond saving. He's like TS's wife - temperamental and always want her way.
You know we go shopping, we always end up buying only his clothes. I ask to go say, G2000 for work clothes. He would say, OH, I am not office worker and I don't need any of those. It has never occured to him that I want to get some of my clothes. 100 times shopping, 100 times, buys his things. 99 time I pay for it. 100 times I give way.
My friend's advice - leave him.
My family - grin and bear it even if it cost your life.
Seriously, you think talking to friends or colleagues is advisble?
Are you stupid? -
I have been following ur plight since the last round you mentioned in AA. I feel so sad for you.Originally posted by mistyblue:madam, in 1 week, I talk to him once. I do not nag.
Complain about work and some issues also cannot even just to "talk c0ck" also cannot then, let me ask, what is the point of the r/s.
So what is proper communication. My husband lectures me all the time. Each lecture is 2 hour long on what he thinks I should do and how I should act to make his life easy, how I should give way to make his parents happy and etc.
I talk about feng shui, I added a disclaimer that, I was just curious and didn't intend to do much anyways. But I said that there was once advice that we should watch out for arguments. He cut me off mid sentence, flew into a rage and always in ever argument, had used very threatening body language to intimidate me into submission. At first he succeeded but I was unhappy to go along. Now, I do not care anymore and I just want a divorce.
Aunty. If he cannot converse. It is big issue. He talks nice to his own family. He abuses me and my family. He treats my family like sh!t.
There is no basic understanding least to mention communication. And i do believe that you have tried your best as a daughter in law.....i can understand what kind of man ur hubby is.
sometimes there is really so much we can hold on to or even try to hold on to but when all else fails.....we seek greener pastures.
I wish you all the best.....
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Hi de-middle,Originally posted by de_middle:erm, frustrated.....can i ask you a question?
are you guys always living separately after a quarrel
If you are, please stop this...i URGE you. never allow you wife to stay away from you becoz of an unresolved quarrel.
this mode of escape/cooling off/dunno what to say method will only bring you more serious harm in the long un.
which is also why she begins to feel that she can do without you by staying apart from you and hence, the word divorce creeps into her.
in your instance, you really need to have a very big heart to always always & always forgive her.....you need to have extreme patience and all these will have to come from you......you cannot expect anything from her. all you can do is hope that eventually one day, she'll come to realisation & cherish you for the sacrifices you have been putting up.
let me remind you, it is going to be really really tough on you...both mentally & physically. but you must try, since both of you took the vow, make it a point to honour it even if she doesn't, keep your side of the bargain.
i sincerely wish you & your wife love, peace & joy......
No, we don't always live separately after an argument. I'll bit thru my teeth and endure the night after a bad fight. For her, depending on location, if we were to disagree on something badly in public, she would board the next bus and take off.
I don't understand some of the things she do. It is simply illogical. I ask her why she is doing this, but she just ignore me. I can't possibly pull her, right? She might explode in public and create a scene. All guys dislike public argument. So, in return, for her to leave, I was able to enjoy and sleep peacefully. But of course, I also don't want this to happen too often
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You need to highlight that her that her actions and behaviour is damaging the r/s. Please ask her to talk even if its ridiculous thoughts, she has to talk - and even if its ridiculous, do not put her down and make her feel like she's crazy to have thoughts like this. But work a way around that is fair to both parties to overcome the issue. Have some ground rules such as never walk off, try to solve the issue within the day, postpone public outburst and etc.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Hi de-middle,
No, we don't always live separately after an argument. I'll bit thru my teeth and endure the night after a bad fight. For her, depending on location, if we were to disagree on something badly in public, she would board the next bus and take off.
I don't understand some of the things she do. It is simply illogical. I ask her why she is doing this, but she just ignore me. I can't possibly pull her, right? She might explode in public and create a scene. All guys dislike public argument. So, in return, for her to leave, I was able to enjoy and sleep peacefully. But of course, I also don't want this to happen too often -
I did not wish for such an outcome. .. But its the only thing in my mind every single day because there is no solution. Either that or I commit suicide. Then I know his mommy will be most happy to talk all my insurance money to support his son and let him be a wastrel.Originally posted by de_middle:I have been following ur plight since the last round you mentioned in AA. I feel so sad for you.
There is no basic understanding least to mention communication. And i do believe that you have tried your best as a daughter in law.....i can understand what kind of man ur hubby is.
sometimes there is really so much we can hold on to or even try to hold on to but when all else fails.....we seek greener pastures.
I wish you all the best.....
Thank you. -
1. I suggest joining amazing with my guy friend, not with her. And she also don't allow. Of course I noe itz not easy to get in, but the idea of submitting any application already turned down by her. I was an active traveller before I got married, now felt like I grounded. Never mind, since she said no, I respect her decision.Originally posted by mistyblue:1. For amazing race - not everyone gets in. My Husband wanted to join the deal or no deal. But I told him please do not ask me to be on stage with him cause I propably freak out... Anyways, he did not take action. You can ask why she did not want to join? Perhaps it because she saw that couple broke up and all the ugly side of things come out in the race and she's fearful. Because she also knows her temper and propably cause ugly things she never wish for the world to see... even for a lot of money. Perhaps you can suggest you join with your guy friends ??? Then she can enjoy watching you and your friends...
2. MSN can block, MSN can also hide status. Privacy? Let me tell you, my husband and I got intimate and my MIL burst in on us - no mood liao. When the nieces and nephews or everyone is around, my husband totally neglects me - and that makes up 90% of the time. I live with my in-laws - I cannot decorate my house, I cannot keep plants, I cannot this, I cannot that because my MIL do not like. The in-laws tell me that, they are senior and therefore own the house even when I pay for everything. Your wife need to take things into perspective. But why does she feel that they are invading the privacy? Are there actions or things that can be done to let her feel better or is she just insecure? Perhaps you can state some time is private time with her and no one should invade. And if she cannot accept, she have a problem with her expectations.
3. You buy shares - no big deal. MY FIL gamble away his previous house. And he still gambles and buys horses. Why did she think you are gambling or she has seen how people became broke due to aggressive shares trading. I've seen it myself with my friends in futures but he too made a tidy bundle once in a while that he can afford rolex and private house. Perhaps, next time you can tell her that you only set aside XXX amount to play shares. You will not touch beyond that amount. If you need to spend more than XXX, then you need to speak to her and let her know the risks and agree on the YYY amount to spend. If it is not doing well, there must be a back out plan and accept the ZZZ amount of losses.
Things can be better managed and at least I feel your wife is in a better situation than me. However, with all things said, its a one sided story I've heard so far so I cannot comment further. R/S need a lot of work between 2 person. She is lucky to not have a MIL to insinuate a lot of things like yesterday she said I only massage my husband. I know she thinks I am slave and should massage her as well. She treats me like a maid all the past years I've known her and she bosses me around because I do not like to be sharp tongue and make things bad but she's pushed me too far.
All in all, I feel your wife is insecure and unsure of you. And you had spoilt her in the past and given way to her. Next is that she need to join wife clubs and know people like me to know how fortunate her situation is. If she hears of my situation, she might have realised how much you might have tried. She need to learn how to treasure the r/s. Too many negative things will rip the r/s apart.
2. Both of us play computer games. She does not want my parents to have PC 'cause she scared my parents MSN her and we lose our privacy. Next time then they will learn and then play games with us. I hear liao, don't know wanna laugh or cry. No need to make decision, the moment she hear of me setting up PC, she ran away to her own house. Clear-cut NO WAY decision. Sigh.
3. Between the 2 of us, I am the financially-smarter one, I guess. She did not really object to me, but she commented isn't it like gambling? I don't know what to say. Only when I make money, then she begin to see my point. Oh, and she must have forgotten what comment she made 'cause she did not apologise.
Let's try to make a pattern here.
Husband: Do you tin I can join the amazing race?
Wife: No, because.....(the rest no heart hear liao)
2nd time
Husband: Can I set up a computer for my folks?
Wife: No, because....(I din hear liao, *argument*, then she ran away)
3rd time
Husband: Can I....(imagine "NO" from wife again)
Resolution beginning to form: "Wait, why am I asking her when I know I will get rejected? Just do it 1st, if she find out later, then too late to change anything." HAHA!
So being unsupportive doesn't really help, but on the other hand, hiding from wife also won't help much. So when I were to grumble or complain with VALID reasons, a fight ensue. Sigh. -
I'm a freedom activist. I do not restrict anyone from thinking or doing what they wanna do. I can't blame her 'cause she is the wife I chose to live with for the rest of my life. Most probably, if anything happen, it would be difficult to admit, but normally both are at fault.Originally posted by mistyblue:You need to highlight that her that her actions and behaviour is damaging the r/s. Please ask her to talk even if its ridiculous thoughts, she has to talk - and even if its ridiculous, do not put her down and make her feel like she's crazy to have thoughts like this. But work a way around that is fair to both parties to overcome the issue. Have some ground rules such as never walk off, try to solve the issue within the day, postpone public outburst and etc.
It's very very easy to shift blame. I'm not saying you are shifting blame. But when I signed on the marriage cert and say "I do", I'm doing it outta my own free will and conscious, so cannot blame anyone. If anything happen, yes, talking and communication seems the only way out, and with a rational mind while we doing that. -
Yup, Fatum is dead right on this one..... anger/hatred & love/passion are just 2 sides of the same coin!Originally posted by Fatum:try post quarrel sex ...
no, I'm serious ! .... turn the furry into passion ... grab her and hurry her to bed ...
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Quite LPPL situation. She seems possessive and clingy...Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:1. I suggest joining amazing with my guy friend, not with her. And she also don't allow. Of course I noe itz not easy to get in, but the idea of submitting any application already turned down by her. I was an active traveller before I got married, now felt like I grounded. Never mind, since she said no, I respect her decision.
2. Both of us play computer games. She does not want my parents to have PC 'cause she scared my parents MSN her and we lose our privacy. Next time then they will learn and then play games with us. I hear liao, don't know wanna laugh or cry. No need to make decision, the moment she hear of me setting up PC, she ran away to her own house. Clear-cut NO WAY decision. Sigh.
3. Between the 2 of us, I am the financially-smarter one, I guess. She did not really object to me, but she commented isn't it like gambling? I don't know what to say. Only when I make money, then she begin to see my point. Oh, and she must have forgotten what comment she made 'cause she did not apologise.
Let's try to make a pattern here.
Husband: Do you tin I can join the amazing race?
Wife: No, because.....(the rest no heart hear liao)
2nd time
Husband: Can I set up a computer for my folks?
Wife: No, because....(I din hear liao, *argument*, then she ran away)
3rd time
Husband: Can I....(imagine "NO" from wife again)
Resolution beginning to form: "Wait, why am I asking her when I know I will get rejected? Just do it 1st, if she find out later, then too late to change anything." HAHA!
So being unsupportive doesn't really help, but on the other hand, hiding from wife also won't help much. So when I were to grumble or complain with VALID reasons, a fight ensue. Sigh.
1. Amazing race : I will only ask how will you keep communicating with me if you were to go. And if you try and join and is away for a period, you will have to make it up to me when you get back. Perhaps you can suggest this to her during a nice talk over perhaps a nice coffee etc.
2. She has a lot of fears. Tell her that Singnet monitors everyone. Hahaha. She can opt to play PSP. But I think too much gaming is not healthy. Anyways, your folks propably use it for come email and other activity. Who wants to monitor her. Unless she thinks she's playing too much games and does not want anyone to know... I don't know. Does it matter? Its just a PC? Just as I think setting up some feng shui things in my house to try to improve harmony does not kill anyone. Its a flat NO from my husband because he know his mommy will kick up a fuss and I have to undo everything. I ask my MIL about feng shui and she claims I am superstitious and made more claims that I am trying to do damaging things.
3. If she did not apologize, just let her know that her statement hurt you. She might have forgotten but you did not. Its part of communication.
You have to act on some of the things otherwise, I doubt you will put up with this for long. I didn't lay my foundations with my husband and let him step all over me. Now I regret because I am not in a fair relationship. -
Freedom is good but you need to manage the marriage. If she does these public outburst and succeed in getting her way, you will have more of that coming cause you asked for it.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I'm a freedom activist. I do not restrict anyone from thinking or doing what they wanna do. I can't blame her 'cause she is the wife I chose to live with for the rest of my life. Most probably, if anything happen, it would be difficult to admit, but normally both are at fault.
It's very very easy to shift blame. I'm not saying you are shifting blame. But when I signed on the marriage cert and say "I do", I'm doing it outta my own free will and conscious, so cannot blame anyone. If anything happen, yes, talking and communication seems the only way out, and with a rational mind while we doing that.
I did not stop my husband from intimidating me physically and cower me into obedience and now I am constantly intimidated so that he gets his way. People's behaviour is learned and once they realised they can push the right buttons and you let them, you cannot go back. Do you know how it feels to be physically intimidated? Do you know how it feels ti keep giving way till you do not know who you are and why you are here and you just feel unhappy with youself? This is my level already. I am telling you not to reach my level because there is no way out other than to split.
Frankly, I am asking you to manage the r/s so that you both are equals and respect each other, especially when times are tough and in quarrels. -
Wah, Mistyblue,
So how?
You gonna issue your husband the divorce paper soon?Originally posted by mistyblue:Freedom is good but you need to manage the marriage. If she does these public outburst and succeed in getting her way, you will have more of that coming cause you asked for it.
I did not stop my husband from intimidating me physically and cower me into obedience and now I am constantly intimidated so that he gets his way. People's behaviour is learned and once they realised they can push the right buttons and you let them, you cannot go back. Do you know how it feels to be physically intimidated? Do you know how it feels ti keep giving way till you do not know who you are and why you are here and you just feel unhappy with youself? This is my level already. I am telling you not to reach my level because there is no way out other than to split.
Frankly, I am asking you to manage the r/s so that you both are equals and respect each other, especially when times are tough and in quarrels. -
ur so awfully right on this......dunno where to hide.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Hi de-middle,
No, we don't always live separately after an argument. I'll bit thru my teeth and endure the night after a bad fight. For her, depending on location, if we were to disagree on something badly in public, she would board the next bus and take off.
I don't understand some of the things she do. It is simply illogical. I ask her why she is doing this, but she just ignore me. I can't possibly pull her, right? She might explode in public and create a scene. All guys dislike public argument. So, in return, for her to leave, I was able to enjoy and sleep peacefully. But of course, I also don't want this to happen too often
well just continue to render tender loving care & hope for the best.
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I will make the request because I know he will not. He does not want to appear the bad guy.Originally posted by jojobeach:Wah, Mistyblue,
So how?
You gonna issue your husband the divorce paper soon? -
Women also don't like public arguments. My husband is the one who does public arguments because my face not happy and he launch into hour long public quarrels and 2 hour long lectures how I should always put him first and behave in the manner to always make him look good.Originally posted by de_middle:ur so awfully right on this......dunno where to hide.
well just continue to render tender loving care & hope for the best. -
Maybe your husband is really a bad husband, but i do not know him and i am only hearing your side of the story, so i cant really say. BUt, please note, no men like to be shown a black face, especially chauvinistic men. your husband sure sound chauvinistic. Women too. do you like to be shown a black face?Originally posted by mistyblue:Women also don't like public arguments. My husband is the one who does public arguments because my face not happy and he launch into hour long public quarrels and 2 hour long lectures how I should always put him first and behave in the manner to always make him look good.
Learn tolerance and communication. Next time, when there is something that you dont like, dont just black face. Learn tolerance (tolerate for the moment) and commmunicate the issue when timing is right.
Well, i'm not an expert, i am learning too. -
Perhaps that is why I burst out last Friday night and resulted in the fight. Maybe the long-term restriction that is bounding me caused me in sorta a soft confrontation with her. Thus, resulting to an out-of-scale explosion.Originally posted by mistyblue:Freedom is good but you need to manage the marriage. If she does these public outburst and succeed in getting her way, you will have more of that coming cause you asked for it.
I did not stop my husband from intimidating me physically and cower me into obedience and now I am constantly intimidated so that he gets his way. People's behaviour is learned and once they realised they can push the right buttons and you let them, you cannot go back. Do you know how it feels to be physically intimidated? Do you know how it feels ti keep giving way till you do not know who you are and why you are here and you just feel unhappy with youself? This is my level already. I am telling you not to reach my level because there is no way out other than to split.
Frankly, I am asking you to manage the r/s so that you both are equals and respect each other, especially when times are tough and in quarrels.
I already told her I do not like to be controlled.
She said she needs to know so that trust can be built.
I told her where did I lose her trust in the 1st place?
She like buay tahan and exploded...
But it's true. She knows every minute and second where I am, what I doing and when I going home. Then go home, HP ring, she still has to know and then I surf net, she will watch. Any normal guy will get annoyed loh.
On a lighter note, I assured her not to worry loh. It's already tough handling a berserker like her, it would be suicide to hav a fling outside. She hear liao also laugh. But I think it's quite true. Those who want to have a fling better think twice loh.
First, they(fling) will say just want company.
Then later, they want love and attention.
Then they start comparing status with the wife.
Then they want guy to divorce wife.
Then the guy caught in between and chao is produced.
The above theory is put up by my imagination. No crazy girl was harmed in the process. -
ya..when scold or threaten..tats it..kiss her to shut her mouth...or rub her toot...make her horny...get her into bed..so she nth to say....
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she knows that you post your problem in sgforum?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Perhaps that is why I burst out last Friday night and resulted in the fight. Maybe the long-term restriction that is bounding me caused me in sorta a soft confrontation with her. Thus, resulting to an out-of-scale explosion.
I already told her I do not like to be controlled.
She said she needs to know so that trust can be built.
I told her where did I lose her trust in the 1st place?
She like buay tahan and exploded...
But it's true. She knows every minute and second where I am, what I doing and when I going home. Then go home, HP ring, she still has to know and then I surf net, she will watch. Any normal guy will get annoyed loh.
On a lighter note, I assured her not to worry loh. It's already tough handling a berserker like her, it would be suicide to hav a fling outside. She hear liao also laugh. But I think it's quite true. Those who want to have a fling better think twice loh.
First, they(fling) will say just want company.
Then later, they want love and attention.
Then they start comparing status with the wife.
Then they want guy to divorce wife.
Then the guy caught in between and chao is produced.
The above theory is put up by my imagination. No crazy girl was harmed in the process. -
Is there no other way out?Originally posted by mistyblue:I will make the request because I know he will not. He does not want to appear the bad guy.
From what I understand, within 6 months you cannot annul the marriage anymore. It has to be a divorce.
Have u seek counselling in any way? -
He dishes out bad attitude to me all the time but always has an excuse such as bad day or whatever. when I had a hard day, I must put on my clown face or face another round hard day in my house.Originally posted by galfriend:Maybe your husband is really a bad husband, but i do not know him and i am only hearing your side of the story, so i cant really say. BUt, please note, no men like to be shown a black face, especially chauvinistic men. your husband sure sound chauvinistic. Women too. do you like to be shown a black face?
Learn tolerance and communication. Next time, when there is something that you dont like, dont just black face. Learn tolerance (tolerate for the moment) and commmunicate the issue when timing is right.
Well, i'm not an expert, i am learning too.
Let me just put it this way. There is a limit to tolerance. Perhaps you hear my side. He is a slick talker and talks black into white and white into black as long as he comes out the winner and pushes all blame on me. He lack empathy and always only talk from his own point of view and his mommy point of view and everyone's point of view and convince me that giving way is the only way.
I just feel cheated every time he concludes his talks. -
I asked him to go, he flatly refused because he does not see any issue. He thinks I am the problem and told me to change in order to fit into his family. I've change and given way till I cannot take it. Yes. I know its divorce. Does not matter, don't intend to get married. I've filled up some of the forms already.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Is there no other way out?
From what I understand, within 6 months you cannot annul the marriage anymore. It has to be a divorce.
Have u seek counselling in any way? -
Oh, God, NO. If she knows, I will kannaOriginally posted by galfriend:she knows that you post your problem in sgforum?
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I am sorry for your predicament.Originally posted by mistyblue:I asked him to go, he flatly refused because he does not see any issue. He thinks I am the problem and told me to change in order to fit into his family. I've change and given way till I cannot take it. Yes. I know its divorce. Does not matter, don't intend to get married. I've filled up some of the forms already.
I really hope everything will turn out better than it is for you.