I Can't Live With This Guilt Anymore!
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It has been a month since this guilt developed..and I really can't live with it anymore. I had contemplated suicidal thoughts and had many nightmares. I chanced upon this forum and hope that someone can help to provide me with some advices? Not trying to lessen my guilt cos I know I will never be able to remove it..Here's what happen:
I am 21 this year and working as a cosmetics promoter. I have a boyfriend who is 26 and is working as a car salesman. He has been wonderful to be for many years. True, sometimes I lament slightly that I wasn't able to be like some of my galfriends..who have rich boyfriends and buy them anything they want..however, my love for him is much more than this kind of materialistic thoughts..we do have quarrels at times, but it is always him who give way to me..and I really appreciate that. In fact, I learn how to cook so that in some way, I can show him how much I love him even though I am really scared of burning oil. After four years together, we intended to get married in Oct this year..
I have a manager has always been very nice and helpful to me..In fact, he is always the one who tries to 'protect' me whenever I met up with difficulties at work..He is like my friend..A few months back, he confessed his love for me and bought me a diamond necklace..I was taken aback...He is 49 years old with two teenage children..I have always regarded him like a father and friend..Never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought I would hear this from him..I was too stunned to reply and told him that I am getting married soon..and it's impossible between us..He saw my stunned reaction and quickly reassured me that he would not bring it up again..
However, something happened a month before..which changed my life..I had a very bad quarrel with my boyfriend..I was with him and his family..trying on my wedding gown for a photo-taking session..His mum do not like me because she always lament that I psycho her son not to stay with his parents after marriage. This agreement of not staying with parent-in-laws had been decided between me and my boyfriend and not just me. In fact, her son tried to explain to her but she always feel that it is me. I had tolerated her for so long..but on that day, after I came out from the fitting room, I chose the gown which I like most. My prospective mother-in-law disagreed because she deemed it to be too revealing as it has a bare-back design. I insisted that I like that gown but my boyfriend actually asked me to change it for the sake of his mother! Come on, that's our wedding, not his mum! I forced him to pay on the spot and after paying, he was rather unhappy and in front of his mum and the shop assistant, he shouted at me for being disrespectful to his mum's wishes. He has never been so hostile to me before, let alone in front of his mum and an outsider.
Don't know why..my tears welled up and in my anger, I ran out of the shop while still in my gown. I saw many onlookers using strange expressions to look at me. I really don't care then..I just ran and ran..there was so much disappointment and sadness within me then..I found a deserted spot and sat alone there...my mind in a blank..I thought of cancelling our wedding plans and leaving him then..at that point, I received a sms from him..asking me where I am..I felt happy initially that he was worried about me..but then the incident at the shop came back..and my anger controlled my mind..Don't know why..but at that moment, the only person I thought of to confide in was my manager..I called him and asked him out to talk..he knew something was wrong and he was very gentle and reassuring on the phone..within half an hour, he fetched me to a nearby fine dining restaurant which had a quiet environment. He was very nice..despite the fact that I was still in my wedding gown and many onlookers gave us the 'strange' look. He even told me not to care about how people looked..I really don't know what came over me..while telling about my grievances with my boyfriend's mum over the many months..I just drank and drank the red wine..the more I drank, the more I feel that all my bottled up feelings were released..my manager told me not to drink so much..but i don't really care then..
Later, I asked him to bring me to Changi beach..that is the place where I always found peace when I am moody..I think I was heavily drunk then..I really can't think properly..inside the car, I saw the plane flying above me..how I wished then that me and boyfriend can just fly off to a place far away from his mum..I don't know what came over me then..I just kept crying and in my drunken and emotional state..I actually mistook my manager as my boyfriend..The last thing I remembered..I hugged and kissed him and ended up having sex..When I awoke, I was shocked to see my manager beside me..I was hysterical..I HAD ACTUALLY DONE SOMETHING SO STUPID! I BETRAYED MY BOYFRIEND! I remembered my manager trying to calm me down..but I just pushed him away..I was so angry with myself..why did I drink so much (a bottle??)..why did I actually mistake him for my boyfriend?? Was it because in my heart, my manager is someone who has provided me with so much sense of security..that it can actually develop into this kind of actions from me? I have so many questions but I just can't forgive myself..After that, I rushed out of the car, and got onto a cab. A bizarre thought came into my mind..was I drugged? I know my manager will never do this kind of thing. However, I still went to check with a doctor and took a blood sample. It proved negative..was I trying to console myself or lessen my guilt my thinking I was drugged? I dont know..i really don't know..
For this past month, I don't dare to meet my boyfriend..I feel that I have betrayed him..I felt so much guilt..because of our religion, we were both very strict about the principle of staying chaste till our marriage..but I ACTUALLY GIVEN IT TO MY MANAGER?! I really can't think anymore...my mind has been in a blur for this past month..I am also very scared that I will get pregnant..because I think during that night, we had unprotected sex...if it really happens, I think I won't be able to live in this world..my manager actually keep smsing me..telling me he will take care of me,will take responsibility..etc..but that is the last thing I want to hear..my boyfriend also tried to contact me many times..but I avoided him and even lied that I am overseas..I am really at my end of the road I think..no way out..most probably either death or to live with this guilt forever.. -
Cosmetic promoter are awlays materialistic.
My part time in the different department stores shows me how $ minded they can be.
As for u,even before hat accident had happened,did your naive mind not tell u a 49yo guy with 2 kids is intrested in getting in your pants? -
omfg, wall of text and i actually read all of your post, i make it as simple for you
you are going to get married soon, and i think, in my humble opinion, if you still want to get married with your current boyfriend, don't tell him anything, it is for his sake also, imagine the looks on his face, and how much he will hate you for the rest of your life, maybe!
i don't know why you actually commit such a mistake, but i do understand why you do this, at that moment, that manager comfort you at that moment, when you are at the most weak, and hurt, to be honest, you don't have to end your life over such a thing, do you want to get married, and forget about what have happen, or tell your boyfriend, the thing that happens between you and your manager, it is crap when someone tells you - i am sure, your boyfriend will understand, or he will forgive you,
if you tell him, worse comes to worst, the relationship, will ends, you will end up in greater misery, and this will haunt you forever, or bear the guilt for a few years, wait till both of you have settle down, and then tell him the TRUTH.
the truth always hurts, and when it strikes you down, you may regret the day, that you tell the truth, sometimes, a white lie, will save you alot of trouble. -
confess to your bf.
you can't get married with him like that.
he will be angry no doubt, but explain to him.
just like how u got angry with him.
if he's unwilling to forgive u, which i really doubt so cause i think he loves you alot, but in any case. bth of you should forgive one another.
and about the mother in law issue, get it sorted out asap. -
you are being too positive about this matter.Originally posted by stellazio:confess to your bf.
you can't get married with him like that.
he will be angry no doubt, but explain to him.
just like how u got angry with him.
if he's unwilling to forgive u, which i really doubt so cause i think he loves you alot, but in any case. bth of you should forgive one another.
and about the mother in law issue, get it sorted out asap. -
i think ur manager shd be out of the qtion in any case, cos he is old enough to be ur father.
wad done cannot be undone.
do u stil wan to carry on with the marriage?? if yes, i think some things are better left unsaid.
i dun noe how ur bf is going to accept it esp during this peak period of urs.
everyone makes mistake. -
dun tell anyone la...
or get new bf... indonesians.... very rich.. -
perhaps i am.Originally posted by allentyb:you are being too positive about this matter.
but if she has to get on with the marriage and keep it in her for a few years, i think she might suffer a mental breakdown instead.
anyway for starters she needa quit her job first. can't see the manager any longer. -
Maybe it's true...I am materialistic...maybe that's why I allowed myself to be drunk and did such a stupid thing...I don't know....maybe i brought it to myself...thanks..i really trying to find answers why i did such a ting..maybe tis one of the reasons..which is sub-consciously in my mind?...Originally posted by boka:Cosmetic promoter are awlays materialistic.
My part time in the different department stores shows me how $ minded they can be.
As for u,even before hat accident had happened,did your naive mind not tell u a 49yo guy with 2 kids is intrested in getting in your pants? -
OK, even though its a long story but its complete..
I cant say i understand how u feel cuz im not u..
I feel sad for you cuz ur stupid manager shud go to hell..
but one thing i knw.. There's option:
a) Honesty
b) Lies
No matter what choices u made, it will bring pain to u. Dont u agree?
Suiciding or running away from this problem will not end this.. It will only bring more pain to the loved ones..
For a) Honesty, I can only say this.. If i were you, i will sacrifice my marriage for honesty.
Think bout its for your future husbans sake... There's a price.. He wud b most probably close to impossible to accept this... But u shud expect this.. If you both are meant to be together, nothing will stop u both. This will b a test.
For b) Lies, Lying to him for the rest of ur life? One thing for sure , you cant be selfish just to be together with him and live in guilt forever...
Things cannot be undone already and are you sure u had sex with him? Make things very clearly before u decide one of the option.
U can believe in God. But me personally think God has nothing to do with our life here..He can decide when we would die NATURALLY but he cant decide that you die for suiciding.. Our life's here in this world is 100% based on wat we think and do.. Its the choices that u make that live your life without regret...
PLease think carefully of wat option u want to choose...
For any option u choose, i will respect them cuz u had ur own reason..
May u live happier with the choice u made.. Please dun choose to end your life, i beg you for this...
Honestly, if im your future husband, it wil be very difficult for me , but no matter wat it is,.. i do not wish to see the one i love which is you to cheated me in the 1st place.. and for that even if we cant be together, i will still respect you for honesty... this is only my opinion so that you can see how your future husband might think cuz im a man too
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I don't think that you should make such a big fuss about a one time indiscretion. It seems like it is unlikely to happen again.
Just learn to forgive yourself and carry on with life. Don't throw away a lifetime with your current boyfriend because a small thing like that.
It is up to you whether you want to let it affect your future relationships and your relationship with your current boyfriend / future husband.
I think that you should try to forget about it and not let it affect you even if you cannot forget about it. Always remember that no one in this world is perfect. If you confess to your boyfriend, you will only hurt him for nothing.
Might as well that only you feel the hurt alone and not drag him into the picture. -
nah.Originally posted by stellazio:perhaps i am.
but if she has to get on with the marriage and keep it in her for a few years, i think she might suffer a mental breakdown instead.
anyway for starters she needa quit her job first. can't see the manager any longer.
women are good at bottling things up. -
Originally posted by Ferret:nah.
women are good at bottling things up. -
she's already at a loss, even contemplating suicide.Originally posted by Ferret:nah.
women are good at bottling things up. -
Ye sub consiousness is always a self validation for both sexes to excuse themselve from responsibility.Originally posted by Crystal_Gal:Maybe it's true...I am materialistic...maybe that's why I allowed myself to be drunk and did such a stupid thing...I don't know....maybe i brought it to myself...thanks..i really trying to find answers why i did such a ting..maybe tis one of the reasons..which is sub-consciously in my mind?...
True u are materialistic just like any singaporean gals and i'm sure u will have a good time with a manager who can sponsor u anything unlike your current boyfriend.
Leave your boyfriend to other better foreign gals. -
not intrested.Originally posted by stellazio:she's already at a loss, even contemplating suicide.
Am only in seperating white from black and the outcome. -
I really don't have any feelings for my manager..he is just my friend..maybe i am not materialistic...cos i didn't accept the diamond necklace then...but maybe i am..cos i may have subconsciously feel that he gives me security..that's why i did such a stupid thing..Originally posted by Cool-gal:i think ur manager shd be out of the qtion in any case, cos he is old enough to be ur father.
wad done cannot be undone.
do u stil wan to carry on with the marriage?? if yes, i think some things are better left unsaid.
i dun noe how ur bf is going to accept it esp during this peak period of urs.
everyone makes mistake.
Of cos i want to carry on with the marriage..but even if he forgives me...I don't think i will be able to carry on...cos i can't live with my guilt..i am a tainted person..not worthy of him anymore.. -
Is this even possible? Drunk + emotional can mistake another guy for the boyfriend and give virginity to him.Originally posted by Crystal_Gal:in my drunken and emotional state..I actually mistook my manager as my boyfriend..The last thing I remembered..I hugged and kissed him and ended up having sex.
Or there has to be a lot of interest in that other guy to start with? A lot more than the boyfriend whom she has kept chaste with for so many years.
Answers anyone? -
i don't think he will forgive me..yes..even if he forgives me..i will never forgive myself..i rather tell him the truth...then i will disappear from his life..and maybe from this earth..Originally posted by Cool-gal:i think ur manager shd be out of the qtion in any case, cos he is old enough to be ur father.
wad done cannot be undone.
do u stil wan to carry on with the marriage?? if yes, i think some things are better left unsaid.
i dun noe how ur bf is going to accept it esp during this peak period of urs.
everyone makes mistake. -
U shouldn't carry on with the marriage and just tell your bf what happened that night.Originally posted by Crystal_Gal:I really don't have any feelings for my manager..he is just my friend..maybe i am not materialistic...cos i didn't accept the diamond necklace then...but maybe i am..cos i may have subconsciously feel that he gives me security..that's why i did such a stupid thing..
Of cos i want to carry on with the marriage..but even if he forgives me...I don't think i will be able to carry on...cos i can't live with my guilt..i am a tainted person..not worthy of him anymore..
A good person like him don't deserve someone that dirty and lose like u. -
will you only be happy if she commits suicide?Originally posted by boka:U shouldn't carry on with the marriage and just tell your bf what happened that night.
A good person like him don't deserve someone that dirty and lose like u. -
what is the big deal of virginity anyway. go for an operation and be a virgin again lor
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i think its more of she remained a virgin for so long hoping to give it up during the wedding night or so and this thing happened.Originally posted by allentyb:what is the big deal of virginity anyway. go for an operation and be a virgin again lor -
I will think that despite the gravity of the mistake, since it is a one-off incident and you can be a good wife, you may decide to forgive yourself. Keep this secret to yourself, if possible, forget it. Of course, quit. Go back to your bf and get married and live a happily married after life.Originally posted by Crystal_Gal:i don't think he will forgive me..yes..even if he forgives me..i will never forgive myself..i rather tell him the truth...then i will disappear from his life..and maybe from this earth..
However, since you are prepared to leave with the consequences of your action, and have decided to leave him, why tell him the truth to hurt him more? Do you know that the truth will hurt him alot?
why not just leave him quietly? -
I will not be happy nor will i be sad.Originally posted by stellazio:will you only be happy if she commits suicide?
The aftermath of judgement does not concern me.
She did something wrong and by justice and morals,she has to admit without weighing her options.
What happens after does not involve me just like how criminal sucide does not concern the judge.