Advice greatly needed!
-
Few months ago, I've post on AA about the problem with my current gf now. This is the thread http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=282195 .
Now, after knowing each other for few months, and she came to singapore and spent 10 days with me. I can sense that she is really serious about this relationship and I wont want to it be ended up. A few example like, after she went back to the country to continue her study, she sent me stuff which is essential for me. Of course I told her not to but she insist.
We were really happy even though she was oversea and I'm here. She even agreed to come to singapore to live with me after getting her degree. Things were going really well except that her ex keep calling her. Well, she was being honest and told me that her ex called and she didnt reply or anything. She also wanted to change her number after her subscription end. Now the problem start... whenever her ex called, we will be engaging into a conversation about him... and i really mind! Alright, I may not be the super nice and open-hearted gentleman but I was able to accept her even though she had an abortion before.
But even so, what the f* that her ex keep calling her? Ok, i know.. he wanted to find her for sex! How I know it? I asked my gf to be frank with me, and she really did.. guess what? after her ex broke up with her for another girl, sometimes he still call her up for sex and she agreed!! OMG!!! I was really sad when she told me all these.. and what's the worst? They were having unprotected sex!!!! for fu*k sake!!! She even told me she did that 2 times!! I really duno what to say, how can a girl be like that?? She is really a nice girl.. i can feel it.. She told me she was really stupid and ignorancem she really regretted it and even wont blame me if i wanted a break up after hearing this. However, in my heart, im angry and sad at the same time. If i saw that guy, I wanted to kill him.. My words were really harsh when talking to her after knowing the truth, i told her this, 'that guy cause you so much pain, cause you to have abortion, and after the break, you still find him for sex?? an unprotected one?? what are you thinking?? Oh, so you got an abortion once, you think it's ok for the next abortion??" I said that in front of her face in webcam. She cried and said no... She told me that the reason why she had abortion was because she dunno anything in the first place, she had kept her virginity till 22 year old and gave it to that f*cker! And nobody had teach her about sex education... no even her parents.. (Her parent was country-side folk and duno much about this things too) In her school last time, they didnt teach as well... and I'm the one who tell her what's right and what's wrong, what can do and what cannot do. She told me that that's the past and she really devoted to me. since then, she really listen to what i say. She is not the type who go clubbing, drinking, smoking and such.
I really very sad after hearing her past.. even a normal girl who have the sense of diginty wont allow herself to be like that. But strangely, I know she suffered alot in the past, she is really a nice girl and it's the guy lost if he dont treasure her. In my heart, it's like thousand needle poking it... very painful.. Somemore, she used some of her saving and will be coming to singapore again before christmas, as she wanted to spend christmas with me. It's silly that she went to book the flight without telling me first because it is really waste of money... the money she would use to pay her school fees and give her family. You must know what taking flight during these time (Special occasion) cost a boom.. I was touched though...
Now the thing is... Im trying very hard to forgive her stupid past... and it's all started because of the stupid ex keep calling her. I know she would reject the call and she will definitely tell me that he called. But everytime she told me, my mind will be thinking alot... The thing is i really loved her.. if not, I would break up with her after she told me she had abortion and such..
I had already told her to change her number ASAP, and she will do it immediately after her subscription is over.. which is half a year time... Tell me fellow forumers... am I right to choose her? If she had met me in the first place, we will be really happy together... we are like so close and yet so far.. -
Since she told you her past, maybe you should forgive. Please bear in my that she CAN don't tell you, but in the end she still confessed to you. You can imagine she have to risk losing you after telling you.
From what I see, she's really devoted in you and I believe she'll not make the same mistake again. Probably she couldn't resist the lust last time or perhaps the guy sweet talk to her, that's why she made the wrong mistake.
The relationship is between you and her, and it really take a lot to make it continue. I am really glad that she's truthful to you.
Now she need your support, emotionally. If you both and survive this period of hard times, the bond between you and her will strengthen and reach a higher level.
Take care~
-
What if the situation is reversed?
U have unprotected sex and ur loved one knows and hates about it. How will u feel given u are remorseful of those act?
I know chastity is important, especially so if u are a girl. However, she admitted her folly that she did accept that bastard's request. Be more forgiving dude since she has assured u that she will draw a clear line with that bastard. If u find out that she cheats on u, it won't be too late to break then? What if she is really ur destined one?
If i was u, i will accept her provided i can felt her love. What's done is done. Dun ever ponder over it anymore and most importantly dun use this as an edge to hurt ur gf in the future if u two really get married. -
if u really love her, accept her past and let her put it all behind her.
no girl would like to be reminded that she gave herself to someone undeserving.. and worse of all, had an abortion, became a murderer bcos of a jerk.
y change number have to wait till subscription end de har?
i din have to leh.. juz paid a one-time fee for the change lor. -
I hope so, I just dont understand what's the charm that guy got... That guy ditched her for his boss's sister... for his career of course. And any girl with the right mind would know what if a guy ditched you for another girl and was the one initiate break up, the girl should know that it's not wise to contact with him... and the worst.. agreed to have another unprotected sex twice..Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:Since she told you her past, maybe you should forgive. Please bear in my that she CAN don't tell you, but in the end she still confessed to you. You can imagine she have to risk losing you after telling you.
From what I see, she's really devoted in you and I believe she'll not make the same mistake again. Probably she couldn't resist the lust last time or perhaps the guy sweet talk to her, that's why she made the wrong mistake.
The relationship is between you and her, and it really take a lot to make it continue. I am really glad that she's truthful to you.
Now she need your support, emotionally. If you both and survive this period of hard times, the bond between you and her will strengthen and reach a higher level.
Take care~
I am not jesus that can forgive everyone's sin if they believe in me.. being abortion due to foolishness had reached one's limit.. I believe if happen to any other guy, they would hardly accept. Given the age that I'm 21..
But thinking back, it's not like I had not been cheated before... well... I can accept her but just that if something link to that image of her going back to that guy for sex.. it's a nightmare for me... I know she regretted and fear of losing me.. but right now, I told her if I found out that she contact with that guy in any way, I will break up with her... as she had promised me that she wont.. am I wrong to do this? -
It's not in singapore... she's in Japan now. I dunno how the phone works there...Originally posted by browniebaobao:if u really love her, accept her past and let her put it all behind her.
no girl would like to be reminded that she gave herself to someone undeserving.. and worse of all, had an abortion, became a murderer bcos of a jerk.
y change number have to wait till subscription end de har?
i din have to leh.. juz paid a one-time fee for the change lor.
Sigh.. the truth indeed hurt... -
It can be emotionally tedious for her to stop contacting that guy altogether, especially since they had a very intimate and inerasable past.
Does she show signs that she is really determined to get over this ex-boyfriend? If not, the two of you might quarrel every now and then because of him... -
I have been in many relationship thats why I be able to understand from you point of view. At first i very crazy about virign gals but as life goes on I realise,wat is so great about it anyway?Originally posted by aicuole:I hope so, I just dont understand what's the charm that guy got... That guy ditched her for his boss's sister... for his career of course. And any girl with the right mind would know what if a guy ditched you for another girl and was the one initiate break up, the girl should know that it's not wise to contact with him... and the worst.. agreed to have another unprotected sex twice..
I am not jesus that can forgive everyone's sin if they believe in me.. being abortion due to foolishness had reached one's limit.. I believe if happen to any other guy, they would hardly accept. Given the age that I'm 21..
But thinking back, it's not like I had not been cheated before... well... I can accept her but just that if something link to that image of her going back to that guy for sex.. it's a nightmare for me... I know she regretted and fear of losing me.. but right now, I told her if I found out that she contact with that guy in any way, I will break up with her... as she had promised me that she wont.. am I wrong to do this?
You are feeling this way cos you have not done it before and wish to share it with someone like you. U love your gf thats why you are so angry.
My question for you is, are u really letting it go ?
your words maybe saying it but in your heart, you mind about it alot.
Take sometime off. Is better give yourself some space to think over it. -
Yea, she told me that she had completely forgot about that guy.. and promised me that she wont contact him in any ways.. coz it would resulted break up if caught by me.. She also said that she would rather wished we break up because of our personality not match and not because of that guy.. hmm... well..Originally posted by marcolow:It can be emotionally tedious for her to stop contacting that guy altogether, especially since they had a very intimate and inerasable past.
Does she show signs that she is really determined to get over this ex-boyfriend? If not, the two of you might quarrel every now and then because of him... -
action speak louder than words.Originally posted by aicuole:Yea, she told me that she had completely forgot about that guy.. and promised me that she wont contact him in any ways.. coz it would resulted break up if caught by me.. She also said that she would rather wished we break up because of our personality not match and not because of that guy.. hmm... well.. -
seriously, i think she's really brave for being so honest with you. she probably loves you so so so much and is so so so scared of losing you that's why she chose to tell you the truth before it's too late. i don't think you're wrong to actually tell her that. you love her. and you want to protect her. give her emotional support. she actually needs it way more more than you. good luck dude.
-
That's a comforting assuranceOriginally posted by aicuole:Yea, she told me that she had completely forgot about that guy.. and promised me that she wont contact him in any ways.. coz it would resulted break up if caught by me.. She also said that she would rather wished we break up because of our personality not match and not because of that guy.. hmm... well..
If you are really fond of her, trust her, and she'll reciprocate your faith in her
Good luck!
-
Everyone deserves a second chance, be it a murderer or thief.
Do you think you will be able to completely accept her past?
It takes tremendous determination, courage and love to do that. Are you capable of all that?
If you are not confident of doing that, please do not go on with this. It would constantly appear in your mind and would be the basis of many quarrels to come for it breeds insecurity, doubts and suspicion.
If you think you can do it, then please, go.
But be prepared for a rocky journey; this particular skeleton in the closet will always surface from time to time, but if your two's love for each other is strong and genuine, I do hope it would be enough.
Good luck to both of you
-
sollie hor.Originally posted by binarynwitz:Everyone deserves a second chance, be it a murderer or thief.
in spore, murderer no 2nd chance le.
dats y u c they oso no sell the clothes anymore liao. -
Is that really needed in here?Originally posted by Hello Kitty:sollie hor.
in spore, murderer no 2nd chance le.
dats y u c they oso no sell the clothes anymore liao. -
x2Originally posted by binarynwitz:Is that really needed in here? -
wow,so touch,forgive her bah.
-
Urm if the girl is Japanese and you are not , you have problems pal . Their society is still closed in to "outsiders" .Originally posted by aicuole:It's not in singapore... she's in Japan now. I dunno how the phone works there...
Sigh.. the truth indeed hurt...
But seriously I won't believe the whole BS sob story . That is just me , not anyone else, especially if she is a foreigner. -
aicuole,
If you are unable to let go of her past, then please let her go.
There are other men out there who are willing to let her past be the past, and will give her a future to look forward to.
You are not the only guy she can fall in love with, so spare the pain you are putting yourself through.
And spare the heart ache you will set her through.
In your heart, you despised her for what she had done.
In your heart, she is no longer pure.
Since she is so tainted in your eyes, let her be lost in the sea of filth you so hate.
Regarding her ex, if you don't ask, if you don't probe, you will not be engaged in the topic now will you ? -
Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:Since she told you her past, maybe you should forgive.
"forgive" like she did something wrong? -
It should be, TS should learn to accept her for whatever she is, and that is, a person with individuality and past experiences of life.
... there is nothing to "forgive" because she did not do anything wrong to him.
If they are in a relationship and they promised each other to be faithful and make it an exclusive relationship, "forgiveness" might be appropriate if she was weak during their exclusive relationship, otherwise... there is nothing to forgive because she did not do anything to TS to wrong TS. -
Everyone keeps saying give her a chance. But I don't agree.Originally posted by aicuole:Few months ago, I've post on AA about the problem with my current gf now. This is the thread http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=282195 .
Now, after knowing each other for few months, and she came to singapore and spent 10 days with me. I can sense that she is really serious about this relationship and I wont want to it be ended up. A few example like, after she went back to the country to continue her study, she sent me stuff which is essential for me. Of course I told her not to but she insist.
We were really happy even though she was oversea and I'm here. She even agreed to come to singapore to live with me after getting her degree. Things were going really well except that her ex keep calling her. Well, she was being honest and told me that her ex called and she didnt reply or anything. She also wanted to change her number after her subscription end. Now the problem start... whenever her ex called, we will be engaging into a conversation about him... and i really mind! Alright, I may not be the super nice and open-hearted gentleman but I was able to accept her even though she had an abortion before.
But even so, what the f* that her ex keep calling her? Ok, i know.. he wanted to find her for sex! How I know it? I asked my gf to be frank with me, and she really did.. guess what? after her ex broke up with her for another girl, sometimes he still call her up for sex and she agreed!! OMG!!! I was really sad when she told me all these.. and what's the worst? They were having unprotected sex!!!! for fu*k sake!!! She even told me she did that 2 times!! I really duno what to say, how can a girl be like that?? She is really a nice girl.. i can feel it.. She told me she was really stupid and ignorancem she really regretted it and even wont blame me if i wanted a break up after hearing this. However, in my heart, im angry and sad at the same time. If i saw that guy, I wanted to kill him.. My words were really harsh when talking to her after knowing the truth, i told her this, 'that guy cause you so much pain, cause you to have abortion, and after the break, you still find him for sex?? an unprotected one?? what are you thinking?? Oh, so you got an abortion once, you think it's ok for the next abortion??" I said that in front of her face in webcam. She cried and said no... She told me that the reason why she had abortion was because she dunno anything in the first place, she had kept her virginity till 22 year old and gave it to that f*cker! And nobody had teach her about sex education... no even her parents.. (Her parent was country-side folk and duno much about this things too) In her school last time, they didnt teach as well... and I'm the one who tell her what's right and what's wrong, what can do and what cannot do. She told me that that's the past and she really devoted to me. since then, she really listen to what i say. She is not the type who go clubbing, drinking, smoking and such.
I really very sad after hearing her past.. even a normal girl who have the sense of diginty wont allow herself to be like that. But strangely, I know she suffered alot in the past, she is really a nice girl and it's the guy lost if he dont treasure her. In my heart, it's like thousand needle poking it... very painful.. Somemore, she used some of her saving and will be coming to singapore again before christmas, as she wanted to spend christmas with me. It's silly that she went to book the flight without telling me first because it is really waste of money... the money she would use to pay her school fees and give her family. You must know what taking flight during these time (Special occasion) cost a boom.. I was touched though...
Now the thing is... Im trying very hard to forgive her stupid past... and it's all started because of the stupid ex keep calling her. I know she would reject the call and she will definitely tell me that he called. But everytime she told me, my mind will be thinking alot... The thing is i really loved her.. if not, I would break up with her after she told me she had abortion and such..
I had already told her to change her number ASAP, and she will do it immediately after her subscription is over.. which is half a year time... Tell me fellow forumers... am I right to choose her? If she had met me in the first place, we will be really happy together... we are like so close and yet so far..
It's not your fault or her fault. Everyone has the freedom to do what they want. Women are emotional creatures and they go by their feelings. And if they feel a lot like doing something, no amount of logic will help.
A lot of times, they(the wrong women) keep saying they will do this and that but they fail to deliver their promises 100%. Example: in your case failure to cut off contact with the ex to show commitment with you.
I know you really mind them having sex and unprotected somemore. That's the key issue here. Will she be having your child or his child?
Very important question: Did she have sex while in a relationship with you? If so, that's a cardinal sin of adultery. I won't forgive someone like that.
If not, it's her past and it's up to you to decide if you want to accept it. I suggest you ask her if she still likes him and take her time to think through this. Take time to be alone to think through all these and see if it's really worth it to let a woman screw up your life like this.
Ask yourself: are you happy throughout the course of the relationship or are you just simply insecure?
doko -
Ok.. she brought a pair of necklace which are not cheap I suppose. Regardless that I told her not to buy anything for me, save those money for her study and family. But she still buy.. At first she wont tell me anything about it but after I persist, she told me that she had a little wish.. A wish that when she come to sg in this christmas, she want to have a little engagement promise for both of us in the presence of the god status im praying to. Although it's not officially announce under the law that we are engage or marriage but she just want to be done.. just a little engagement promise of exchanging the necklace, like i help her to wear it and she help me wear it... and she will be very happy.Originally posted by Guardx:action speak louder than words.
I was quite surprised that she said this because I've thought about this before and thought of me buying ring instead. However, she told me not to buy anything for her... It's my heart that counts. She said that if she is fated to wear my ring, she will wear it sooner or later and wont want me to spend any money for her.
Like I say, she is really a nice girl and I'll regret for the rest of my life if I give up on her because of her past and bastard ex. But... I really need time to consider.... because it's forever thing and I wont want to do thing to let her down.
She is not Japanese, she just went there to study. We speak common languages and that shouldnt be any problem for us communicating. I know how the japanese girl's thinking which is not as pure as you seen in anime or show. That's why she didnt mix with japanese people there, just some friends from her country.Originally posted by fymk:Urm if the girl is Japanese and you are not , you have problems pal . Their society is still closed in to "outsiders" .
But seriously I won't believe the whole BS sob story . That is just me , not anyone else, especially if she is a foreigner.
Well, it's ok if you dont believe anything.. I wont believe it either for knowing a gf online. But seeing is believing which I've clearly seen that she is a nice girl.. just that her foolishness in her past keep messing with my mind...
Thnx dude and all who wish us goodluck.. I agreed that it really need huge determination, courage and love to do that.Originally posted by binarynwitz:Everyone deserves a second chance, be it a murderer or thief.
Do you think you will be able to completely accept her past?
It takes tremendous determination, courage and love to do that. Are you capable of all that?
If you are not confident of doing that, please do not go on with this. It would constantly appear in your mind and would be the basis of many quarrels to come for it breeds insecurity, doubts and suspicion.
If you think you can do it, then please, go.
But be prepared for a rocky journey; this particular skeleton in the closet will always surface from time to time, but if your two's love for each other is strong and genuine, I do hope it would be enough.
Good luck to both of you
Life is strange huh? some people met good people after going through shit while some are able to get whatever they want but have no happy ending. For example like an empty promise and stole away people's virginity but they break up... leaving another people to appreciate. Some people managed to get pure stuff and some dont.. I guess mine are like the second one..
It's too late to back out now as my feeling for her is too deep. Though i had been trying very hard to accept it and I already accept the fact that she had abortion before. Just that her ignorance bother me. If her mindset is right, she wont do such thing like going back to his ex for sex after their break up. seriously I dont understand why. Sometimes, she do things that she think it's ok and believe nothing will happen. To me, it's not right. As you see that she is now living in japan.. a country where people see sex as an open topic. I just want her to be safe, but there's still 2 years before she could come to sg to live permanantly with me.Originally posted by jojobeach:aicuole,
If you are unable to let go of her past, then please let her go.
There are other men out there who are willing to let her past be the past, and will give her a future to look forward to.
You are not the only guy she can fall in love with, so spare the pain you are putting yourself through.
And spare the heart ache you will set her through.
In your heart, you despised her for what she had done.
In your heart, she is no longer pure.
Since she is so tainted in your eyes, let her be lost in the sea of filth you so hate.
Regarding her ex, if you don't ask, if you don't probe, you will not be engaged in the topic now will you ?
Sometimes I feel that I should write a book to teach her "How a girl should do to protect herself"... Just because of no one telling her, she do things on what she think is right and I have to correct it.. who knows what might happen if I overlook thing and it will be too late if anything bad happen right?
I just want her to be strong and correct mindset of doing things.. not everything that I have to point out that what is right and wrong. Talking about past.. life is funny.. filled with sadness and grief but it will be a sunshine after a storm... funny right?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:It should be, TS should learn to accept her for whatever she is, and that is, a person with individuality and past experiences of life.
... there is nothing to "forgive" because she did not do anything wrong to him.
If they are in a relationship and they promised each other to be faithful and make it an exclusive relationship, "forgiveness" might be appropriate if she was weak during their exclusive relationship, otherwise... there is nothing to forgive because she did not do anything to TS to wrong TS. -
Ok.. she brought a pair of necklace which are not cheap I suppose. Regardless that I told her not to buy anything for me, save those money for her study and family. But she still buy.. At first she wont tell me anything about it but after I persist, she told me that she had a little wish.. A wish that when she come to sg in this christmas, she want to have a little engagement promise for both of us in the presence of the god status im praying to. Although it's not officially announce under the law that we are engage or marriage but she just want to be done.. just a little engagement promise of exchanging the necklace, like i help her to wear it and she help me wear it... and she will be very happy.
What I mean by action is not sleeping around and talking to ex anymore. Not buying some expensive gift for you and been touch by it.
I was quite surprised that she said this because I've thought about this before and thought of me buying ring instead. However, she told me not to buy anything for her... It's my heart that counts. She said that if she is fated to wear my ring, she will wear it sooner or later and wont want me to spend any money for her.
Like I say, she is really a nice girl and I'll regret for the rest of my life if I give up on her because of her past and bastard ex. But... I really need time to consider.... because it's forever thing and I wont want to do thing to let her down.
Correct me if i am wrong if buying expensive presents gives someone right to sleep around, why borther taking it in the first place?
I can understand your love for her is very great, but this is reality not some fairy tale. Is your life and you must decide whether you seriously believe in her or not. No one can help you. Take some time off. You need it. -
The words "correct mindset of doing things" and "not everything that I have to point out that what is right and wrong" could be the reason why you say "life is funny.. filled with sadness and grief ".Originally posted by aicuole:I just want her to be strong and correct mindset of doing things.. not everything that I have to point out that what is right and wrong. Talking about past.. life is funny.. filled with sadness and grief but it will be a sunshine after a storm... funny right?
You have a philosophy of life that is "restrictive", "narrow" and maybe even "naive".
*sigh* you have big problems that stems from your philosophy of life.