Love is blind
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It all happen so suddenly, why does a gal heart change so fast?
she use to be very sweet towards me, she never fail to be there for me.
although we do have our different, our relationship was fine till she change her job.
I understand that Enviroment changes people, but i didnt realize it can
also change how a person feels and thinks about the realistic world.
She use to be a gal that wants to start a family with me, share my woes and happiness. After she change her job, her attitude changes towards me completely, she use to spend all her time with me, nowadays she rather spend more time on herself and her things rather on me. Altough she say she will marry me, we brought the ring, wedding package etc, but she dun wish to confirm me on the date.
Wat is she thinking?
I know its best to ask her, but what i get is "I dunno".
Ask her about our life after marriage,
She will say "dunno"
Ask her if she will be happy after our marriage,
she will say "dunno"
Is there a 3rd party?
I have no idea on this as she is in sales line,
After so many dunno, she ask me this "Will I ever leave her?"
if she dun bothers, why did she ask this?
She still spend her weekend with me, but the feelings is not the same as the past.
She tend to push me away and sometime dun even answer my call,
even if she answer my call, she will say, she call me back and hang up.
and its a call she will never return,
I could see alot of things and im not blind, but my feelings are blind
thru our years of relationship, I cant let go.
I understand if this continue, our life in marriage wont be happy and wont last.
but I was hoping after marriage, she will change.
Im in deep confusion, she dun allow me to walk into her life but she still say she will marry me.
Im in total lost...
Anyone can advise me? -
Well maybe u should let her have some independence? i dun really know your situation, there could be a third party or she wants to be less clingy or she wants to focus on her career. There are many many factors, do get the answer u want --- Ask her for a short, quiet talk between u and her.
Communication is the foundation of love. Without it, love will fade sooner or later. -
Life still goes on. Even though she treats you cold now, you have to accept the fact.
Definitely, for every relationship one involved, he/she must think of the worst outcomes. -
pretty common nowadays.
keep the flame alive.
end if meaningless.
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women can change faster than I change my underwear (I change underwear daily)
Not only they change fast, they hide will too. Recently I also got to knw a gal BETTER through some incidents which made me lost all respect for her. -
Originally posted by Hitakogi:It all happen so suddenly, why does a gal heart change so fast?
she use to be very sweet towards me, she never fail to be there for me.
although we do have our different, our relationship was fine till she change her job.
I understand that Enviroment changes people, but i didnt realize it can
also change how a person feels and thinks about the realistic world.
She use to be a gal that wants to start a family with me, share my woes and happiness. After she change her job, her attitude changes towards me completely, she use to spend all her time with me, nowadays she rather spend more time on herself and her things rather on me. Altough she say she will marry me, we brought the ring, wedding package etc, but she dun wish to confirm me on the date.
Wat is she thinking?
I know its best to ask her, but what i get is "I dunno".
Ask her about our life after marriage,
She will say "dunno"
Ask her if she will be happy after our marriage,
she will say "dunno"
Is there a 3rd party?
I have no idea on this as she is in sales line,
After so many dunno, she ask me this "Will I ever leave her?"
if she dun bothers, why did she ask this?
She still spend her weekend with me, but the feelings is not the same as the past.
She tend to push me away and sometime dun even answer my call,
even if she answer my call, she will say, she call me back and hang up.
and its a call she will never return,
I could see alot of things and im not blind, but my feelings are blind
thru our years of relationship, I cant let go.
I understand if this continue, our life in marriage wont be happy and wont last.
but I was hoping after marriage, she will change.
Im in deep confusion, she dun allow me to walk into her life but she still say she will marry me.
Im in total lost...
Anyone can advise me?
You suffered from a classic problem in Love; the assumption and belief in the linear flow of Love as accordingly to the 'standard progression', in which a relationship will graduate into a marriage irrevocably.
Many couples talk about marriage - surely, when the relationship seemed to have progress beyond a year or two, such conversations are typical, especially when one has reached a 'marriageable age', as well as having other aspects of their life pretty much in control and stable (career, finance, etc).
However, these are but human speculation of what they think will happen - or more accurately put across: what they want it to happen.
Don't get me wrong; I am not suggesting that people shouldn't talk about marriage, but rather, our perception has been tuned to such a way that we are unable to accept any U-Turn policy that goes against this linear flow of thoughts.
Someone having the same set of problem asked me the same question before. I just told him this: 'Unlearn what you learn in Love previously and relearn everything again.'
He looked at me with this blank look, thinking that I was crazy or something.
I will tell you the same thing; however, in addition, I will explain why.
*** Love is freewill; true love cannot be forced upon by threat, violence, demand, anger, abuse, terror, fear, guilt or habit. If it does, the relationship will no doubt be intense and unfulfilling.
And you know what? This is but the very rudimentary understanding in Love - that we all must see the logic, in which Love is a choice and the choice made to stay in a relationship must be attributed to the individual's freewill. If not, misery will follow suit closely.
Therefore, what if your woman's choice is the desire to be 'out', despite wanting to be 'in' previously?
Would you still see the same rationale?
Chances are, you can't really answer me - because there will be fear in agreeing.
Love is never stagnant; like dough, it constantly remakes and renews itself. You believed that a change in environment brought about the change in her, thus the change in your relationship.
But the truth is that Love is an inside thing, not outside job.
If an environment could so effortlessly affect the Love in a person, it basically goes to suggest how enervated and languid this Love he or she claims to have. Or there might be litany of unspoken grievance or frustration felt within her, causing severe friction as it ran through her emotions for many years, unattended and uncommunicated.
Basically what I meant is that you know next to nothing about the sudden drip in your relationship. All these years, you probably assumed that you know what's going on, both inside and outside, and that everything is marching towards to the direction you have point out so prominently.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that you are a loving couple.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that she will always spend all her time on you.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that she will always want to marry you. Never mind the future - her words will guarantee the future commitment as well.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that you are the one for her. No one else has the prerogative to that.
Ironically, if your assumptions are all right - you won't be posting here.
That's probably the cusps of the problem; you think you knew your relationship, but it appeared more like a stranger to you when it blatantly placed right in front of your face and you suddenly realized you didn't recognise the shape, which you have always reckoned it to be your Love.
If you do not unblock this linear thought and relearn to love your relationship, like a child, all these assumptions will continue to widen, like the income disparity between the rich and poor in Singapore.
You relearn by:
I) Eliminate your linear mindset - Quit pressuring her with this marriage thing. Quit thinking that this relationship is already years in making. Quit thinking that your have invested far too much. Quit thinking that you are unable to live without her. Quit thinking that Love is irrevocable.
II) Communicate with her, as if you have never spoken before. She must be comfortable to speak to you without fear and you have to find some means for her to be able to exude that level of frankness. Basically have a heart-to-heart talk. Minus guilt-pressuring. minus overly emotional speech, minus finger pointing.
III) Understand your relationship from her perception. Enquire from different angles and seek to understand the struggles, which are not transparent in your vision, which might have taken place beneath your nose. Learn to learn your relationship from an alternative perspective and not view it like the way you always do.
You can only move forward, if you have establish the fact that her decision is still a 'yes' to this relationship - it must not be a diplomatic yes, but straight from the bottom of her heart. Then you can seek to address whatever problem that is degenerating this relationship and remove the source.
But if it isn't the case, then you might want to ascertain how much damage has been done and if there's a possibility that you can rectify the problem and overcome it.
Cheers -
Oh.. one thing. If a woman don't allow you to walk into her life... DUMP her.
She would leave eventually so don't regret later. -
Hitakogi,
Perhaps your girl is experiencing some pre-marital cold feet.
Marriage is a huge commitment in life.
She may be asking herself if it is the right decision, and if you are the right one for her, if she is ready for such a change in her life.
During this time, a woman thinks a whole lot more than usual.
She will start to reflect on the past.
Likely the unhappy times and the unresolved issues between the two of you.
Uncertainty is what women fears in her life.
All women are nesters, we prefer a stable environment to raise our family.
To top it all off, she has just changed a new job.
That means more uncertainty in a new environment.
Give her some time to settle in.
Given her line of work, she knows how fast a person can change their mind about what they just purchased.
It's call buyer's remorse, and she is either worried about it happening to herself or it can happen to you.
Now is not the time for you to DOUBT.
Now is the time for MORE assurance that you WILL be a good husband and a good father.
And you WILL always TAKE CARE OF HER.
The questions you asked her about marriage are not very good.
Learn to keep your mouth shut.
Marriage doesn't change her level of happiness if she is not already happy NOW.
Don't start going psycho on her, it will only affirm her doubts about you.
Tell her this ,
" If you are unsure, let's postpone the wedding."
" I want you to marry me, only when you are ready to."
"But remember, I will always love you no matter what."
Then give her a good hug.
Note:
And even though she may still love her guy,this immense guilt is also the reason she decides to call off the relationship.> -
yeah, its best to postpone the wedding & not talk about it for the time being
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*clap clap clap.....*Originally posted by Yunhaier: You suffered from a classic problem in Love; the assumption and belief in the linear flow of Love as accordingly to the 'standard progression', in which a relationship will graduate into a marriage irrevocably.
Many couples talk about marriage - surely, when the relationship seemed to have progress beyond a year or two, such conversations are typical, especially when one has reached a 'marriageable age', as well as having other aspects of their life pretty much in control and stable (career, finance, etc).
......
You can only move forward, if you have establish the fact that her decision is still a 'yes' to this relationship - it must not be a diplomatic yes, but straight from the bottom of her heart. Then you can seek to address whatever problem that is degenerating this relationship and remove the source.
But if it isn't the case, then you might want to ascertain how much damage has been done and if there's a possibility that you can rectify the problem and overcome it.
Cheers
another 5 star reply from yun... -
You need a clarification on that one.
A good talk. -
I like to thanks everyone who reply to this msg,
I believe most of you who reply have actually been thru this stage before
and therefore understand how i really feel.
I feel really hurt and upset, as a guy i must be stronge and many times i feel like crying out. Find it hard to Hold on,feel that its harder to give up.
My gf use to love me so much, willing to sacifice anything for me.
she was also the person who want to get setter down at the 1st place,
before she change her job, now Im willing to setter down but its too late
for any regrets.
Right now I dun even know what stage am i?
still a couple? or jsut friends?
She dun want to dump me, dun want to answer my questions, but still say
will marry me?
This kind of feeling is very heavy for me.
As a guy, I believe when u have a doubt, esp in relationship, you will try very hard to find the answer. And the more you want to find the answer, it only make things worse.
As many of you say, leave things as it be, but I believe 90% who say this cant really do that because love is blind.
I know no matter what happens, life still continues, it may be meaningless for quite a long time, until a new meaning comes in again.
The only problem is I wont know if when the new meaning comes, will I be able to stand up to face it again fearing that the same old problem might surface back.
If i were to love a person again, I really dun want to reach this stage where i dun even know where i belongs.
I like to thanks everyone here again!
And I sincerity hope all couple out there to cherish their relationship. -
Yunhaier
What u say make many sense to me, but as I say, love is blind,
there is many times I can't control my feelings and my thinking.
Anyway, I like to Thanks you specially.
I will remember what you have writen here!
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She is reconsidering her options. She will either decide that your "package" is still the best one or that she can do better.
If she won't talk to you it's because the deciding factor cannot be found in what you say. She has probably already mentioned the factors to you but you did not address it and are using other means to pressure her decision.
You can either wait for her to decide. Or you can find some private alone time and ask her what she is afraid of and let her talk about her fears. Don't make promises, don't make light of it, don't tease her, don't question her, don't get angry, don't ask for proof, don't pass judgements, don't defend yourself, though some of the things she says may be very painful for you to hear.
All you have to do is sit and listen and encourage her to speak, which will be more difficult then you think.
It still may or may not be enough but it is something within your control that can sway her decision towards you. -
Sounds like she is quite depress over something. Try to find it out. Allow her to express her feelings. Listen to hear and try to make her feel confidence about it.
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I believe she still has feelings for u, and its unlikely that she has another 3rd party. Girls are really hard to understand and are more fickle minded than guys before marriage.
Instead you should stop questioning her, asking questions regarding marriage and future, give her some space and let everything comes natural. She will come to realised and treasure the relationship. However if u keep askin these questions, it will just remove on its flame and romance.
keep it natural, simple, give her opportunities to miss you. It will work out.