How to believe anymore?
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I met someone (say, Wendy, not young ler) and said that her previous bfs were around the place but did not talk anymore. I checked with her friends that they did not know much. Maybe, they did not want to get involved or kaypoh. I went for holidays and visited many of her older places - like places where she grew up and where the old school, college was. I asked one day, have you ever been admitted to hospital or clinic? The idea was to find out if she ever got sick or treated for injuries or accidents. The reply was a stunner – “yeah, one time when my ex-bf and I went to check my fertility test”. I was like – do I go on and ask what and why or do I butt out now?
Please advice. Very kian erh (scaredy oredi)
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What are you scared of ? I dun quite understand.
The question you should ask yourself is, will you believe her if she tells you ?
If not, then don't bother asking.
If yes, then maybe you can ask her " Only check your fertility ah ? What about his fertility ?"
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Well, jojobeach, I then asked some more like you said I have nothing to be scared of. The replies were – “oh, yeah, I went to this clinic to abort after I found out I was pregnant”. I went like whoa, I do not want to go there. So I said hmm, want some bubur kacang arh? It was after dinner at the time. Gotta go. Will sambung some more later. Thanks for the encouragement. Still feel very scaredy.
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Originally posted by Mmerc2000:
Well, jojobeach, I then asked some more like you said I have nothing to be scared of. The replies were – “oh, yeah, I went to this clinic to abort after I found out I was pregnant”. I went like whoa, I do not want to go there. So I said hmm, want some bubur kacang arh? It was after dinner at the time. Gotta go. Will sambung some more later. Thanks for the encouragement. Still feel very scaredy.
No need to feel scaredy. LOL
You may want to ask her " Did you regret that decision ?"
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Originally posted by Mmerc2000:
Well, jojobeach, I then asked some more like you said I have nothing to be scared of. The replies were – “oh, yeah, I went to this clinic to abort after I found out I was pregnant”. I went like whoa, I do not want to go there. So I said hmm, want some bubur kacang arh? It was after dinner at the time. Gotta go. Will sambung some more later. Thanks for the encouragement. Still feel very scaredy.
you should feel happy that she's available for sex -
After supper, I asked like you said “do you think about it?” She said no. She also said she did not regret it. So I toughened up and wanted to ask her “why did you do it?” But I ran out of time because it was getting late. Do I ask this question? Please advice. Still a bit scared, not so scared like before.
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Originally posted by Mmerc2000:
After supper, I asked like you said “do you think about it?” She said no. She also said she did not regret it. So I toughened up and wanted to ask her “why did you do it?” But I ran out of time because it was getting late. Do I ask this question? Please advice. Still a bit scared, not so scared like before.
Mmerc2000,
Is she the person you have intention to settle down with ?
If yes, then it's better you talk it through with her.
Confront all your worries and fears. Seek answers , but not to point fingers.
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Originally posted by Mmerc2000:
After supper, I asked like you said “do you think about it?” She said no. She also said she did not regret it. So I toughened up and wanted to ask her “why did you do it?” But I ran out of time because it was getting late. Do I ask this question? Please advice. Still a bit scared, not so scared like before.
you should rather ask yourself "what's wrong with doing it?"pls lah, premarital sex is so common nowadays
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Well, I think that I was being so complacent and too traditional about things. So now I have taken my deep breath and am about to tell you what happened.
I then asked her if she is seeing any of her old bfs currently. She said no. I was OK, go slow. I then asked her if she was comfortable with the decision of the abortion now. She said yes. OK, here I took courage to ask her “why did you do it?” She gave me a stunner of an answer – “I don’t want to talk about it”. Wah, that must have been an Oscar award answer to shut down all other questions. I went silent and did not pursue on this. Until now, I am quite ambivalent about this relationship. I am not sure if this is right or not but I feel sorry for her. Any advice, much appreciated.
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just leave it as it is behind and bygone. She took a big step in telling that to u. That alone show more then anything. If u mind, then u shouldnt carry on the r/s, else just leave it behind nad move on. I bet she too wish to leave it behind as it is. Know one thing, she could have kept it a secret. For what ever reason and how she ended up with that past isnt important anymore. It is the now that matter more. See her for she is now then who or wat she did in the past.
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Originally posted by Mmerc2000:
Well, I think that I was being so complacent and too traditional about things. So now I have taken my deep breath and am about to tell you what happened.
I then asked her if she is seeing any of her old bfs currently. She said no. I was OK, go slow. I then asked her if she was comfortable with the decision of the abortion now. She said yes. OK, here I took courage to ask her “why did you do it?” She gave me a stunner of an answer – “I don’t want to talk about it”. Wah, that must have been an Oscar award answer to shut down all other questions. I went silent and did not pursue on this. Until now, I am quite ambivalent about this relationship. I am not sure if this is right or not but I feel sorry for her. Any advice, much appreciated.
Why did she do what ? The abortion or the unprotected sex ?
What is your true concern really ?
Why can't you believe in her anymore, just because she had an abortion ?
Since she is no longer young, I reckon neither are you.
If she offers you unprotected sex, are you going to say no?
If she gets pregnant by your sperm, are you going to keep the child ?
IS she seeing you exclusively ? Yes ?
Did she cheat on you before ?
Does she deserve to be treated half heartedly because of her past ?
Why won't you give this relationship a chance ?
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Originally posted by Jamie Zawinski:
you should rather ask yourself "what's wrong with doing it?"pls lah, premarital sex is so common nowadays
but I'll never go for premarital sex leh
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TS in dilemma of wanting to know bout it..
damn it.. mind your own business dude.. whats the need to ask her if shes been admitted to hospital or not ? kinda silly question
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I suppose you are at wit's end as to what to say to keep the conversation and r/s going right? Especially so, since now you have just opened up the pandora box.
Well, if you would like to continue with her I suppose it will really be up to you as to whether you could really accept her presently without being mindful of her past. You need to realize that everyone has a past and all past should be treated as history. Usually for the sake of the both of you, it is better to be remained as it is. What has happened has already happened and there is no way of re-writing it.\
Look forward to the road ahead for the both of you. Talk and think about what the both of you could and would like to do, and the future.
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ask somemore u will only chase her away.
she's v kind already.
if i were her, i sure give u a dressing down. wat has her past got to do with u? everyone has a past, a secret, a wound that will not want to be reminded again.
if she gives u an answer that u are not ready to accept, why probe?
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trust .... impt
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I have taken note of all your kind contributions. Like Jojobeach said I should move on and not take these things seriously. I really hope I can do that because of my religious background, my responsibilities to the list of charities that also include single mothers and wayward females and also my family concerns. I do not feel that I have enough time to consider these things in r/s. I will be going away for a break (2 weeks) on a work/holiday with one of my charity body. I do not want to make any comments except that I am trying to be a good person and supportive of others who are less fortunate. But not knowing enuf about Wendy and plus, she does not want to talk about it, will, I think, cause some barriers to a long term r/s. Maybe I should just treat her like a good friend in need of care and financial support. I am not looking for anything permanent in this r/s because when I do commit to someone, I will make sure that there are no secrets between us. I do have my own faults and I do declare them right at the onset of r/s, and I wish others have the courage to do likewise. Otherwise, there will always be a nagging thought if Wendy went back to one of her b/fs while I was not around. Well, it is her right to see whoever she wants. I only make sure she has the means to live and her wellbeing taken care of. No, I am not a charity body but I do wish all my money can be used to provide care of ppl who had been “down and out”. I am lucky to have a good life and a good family support. That is one reason why I choose to remain single for so long. So I can help ppl without ppl needing to care for me and knowing what I want.
I do not expect ppl to feel like I do. I believe in actions and doing the right thing. One of her ex-b/fs is a board director of one of my charity body, a high flying professional at that. So I must behave ethically and responsibly when we meet for meetings. Yeah, I do feel like I need to release my frustrations but maybe, a holiday will do and when I return, I hope to have made a decision about these things. Why complicate things when life is too short? Respecting Wendy’s privacy is important to her because her friends worked nearby and they always want to know more of everything. There will be a dinner this weekend with Wendy and 2 of her trusted friends. I haven’t decided to go yet because I do not know what to say.
Thanks everyone. I will let you know when I have toned down and relaxed. Meanwhile, I will go along as before and take one day at a time.
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Originally posted by Mmerc2000:
I have taken note of all your kind contributions. Like Jojobeach said I should move on and not take these things seriously. I really hope I can do that because of my religious background, my responsibilities to the list of charities that also include single mothers and wayward females and also my family concerns. I do not feel that I have enough time to consider these things in r/s. I will be going away for a break (2 weeks) on a work/holiday with one of my charity body. I do not want to make any comments except that I am trying to be a good person and supportive of others who are less fortunate. But not knowing enuf about Wendy and plus, she does not want to talk about it, will, I think, cause some barriers to a long term r/s. Maybe I should just treat her like a good friend in need of care and financial support. I am not looking for anything permanent in this r/s because when I do commit to someone, I will make sure that there are no secrets between us. I do have my own faults and I do declare them right at the onset of r/s, and I wish others have the courage to do likewise. Otherwise, there will always be a nagging thought if Wendy went back to one of her b/fs while I was not around. Well, it is her right to see whoever she wants. I only make sure she has the means to live and her wellbeing taken care of. No, I am not a charity body but I do wish all my money can be used to provide care of ppl who had been “down and out”. I am lucky to have a good life and a good family support. That is one reason why I choose to remain single for so long. So I can help ppl without ppl needing to care for me and knowing what I want.
I do not expect ppl to feel like I do. I believe in actions and doing the right thing. One of her ex-b/fs is a board director of one of my charity body, a high flying professional at that. So I must behave ethically and responsibly when we meet for meetings. Yeah, I do feel like I need to release my frustrations but maybe, a holiday will do and when I return, I hope to have made a decision about these things. Why complicate things when life is too short? Respecting Wendy’s privacy is important to her because her friends worked nearby and they always want to know more of everything. There will be a dinner this weekend with Wendy and 2 of her trusted friends. I haven’t decided to go yet because I do not know what to say.
Thanks everyone. I will let you know when I have toned down and relaxed. Meanwhile, I will go along as before and take one day at a time.
Thank you for being such a generous person to the needy. Our society is seriously in need of people like you. Given Singaporean life is so charmed, many has forgotton how to be charitable without expecting any in return.
Now back to the main issue.
If you seriously believe you are doing Wendy a favor by stringing her along in such a relationship, you are merely deceiving yourself.
What you are doing , is just withholding her for whatever self-ish reason you possess.
If you don't release her, how is she going to let another man who can look beyond her past to come into her life ?
In a relationship, it is mutual admiration, NOT pity/sympathy. I think you really need to get this part straight.
You need to communicate your expections and intentions CLEARLY to her, now.
By keeping quiet and "going along", you are misleading her, and it will eventually lead to dissapointment and heartbreak.. and that is just plain CRUEL of you.
So, let her go, so she may find the right guy for her.
If you cannot make up your mind, let her make up her mind.
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Thanks for being patient. Yes, one can only mull over so much over these things. No, I do not have exclusive rights over W. She has every right to see anyone she pleases. We only meet if we arrange for something to do – like dinner, watch a movie or go to her family house to tend to her old folks. I have known her folks for a long time – in fact, I knew her folks before I met her. So there are no strings attached and no exclusivity here. W knows she is free to do as she pleases and I am just another person in her list. I am not committed to anyone now except my charity work and professional work. So, I do not think I am being selfish – I did not promise W anything except when she talks about her problems with me. I will not let her problems be part of my problems anymore because I have always wanted to do the right thing and be professional about it. I will be very happy for W to find someone, anyone she likes. I cannot think that there is any other person like me in the world, let alone Singapore who thinks and likes similar things like I do. You are right, our society has become more selfish and too fearful for change in their lives. I survived because l believe life is too short for regrets (have you heard one of Edith Piaf’s greatest song – No regrets or “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien”?), time should be well spent on things one enjoy, and we do not know what tomorrow brings. Hence, my upbringing has allowed me to move onto things that most ppl would find stressful, upsetting or frightful. I have endured 4 deaths in my family and friends over the last year. These were horrific times but I managed to pull through because other ppl have more problems than me. I should not take myself too seriously. I do not seek sympathy from others but I used music and sports to fill me up when I am down. By the way, I have toned down now and I have just accepted the dinner this weekend with W and her friends. I am supposed to bring 2 bottles of red wine. I will let you know what happens then.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Why did she do what ? The abortion or the unprotected sex ?
What is your true concern really ?
Why can't you believe in her anymore, just because she had an abortion ?
Since she is no longer young, I reckon neither are you.
If she offers you unprotected sex, are you going to say no?
If she gets pregnant by your sperm, are you going to keep the child ?
IS she seeing you exclusively ? Yes ?
Did she cheat on you before ?
Does she deserve to be treated half heartedly because of her past ?
Why won't you give this relationship a chance ?
exactly, you love her for what she is now, or what she was then? -
Originally posted by JerryYan:
but I'll never go for premarital sex leh
of course not you lah, but your daughter quite big now wor -
Originally posted by aremeis:
I suppose you are at wit's end as to what to say to keep the conversation and r/s going right? Especially so, since now you have just opened up the pandora box.
Well, if you would like to continue with her I suppose it will really be up to you as to whether you could really accept her presently without being mindful of her past. You need to realize that everyone has a past and all past should be treated as history. Usually for the sake of the both of you, it is better to be remained as it is. What has happened has already happened and there is no way of re-writing it.\
Look forward to the road ahead for the both of you. Talk and think about what the both of you could and would like to do, and the future.
it's more like he's not sure whether he can accept used goods -
Originally posted by Jamie Zawinski:
of course not you lah, but your daughter quite big now worwat does my daughter quite big got to do with premarital sex
I don't catch it leh
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Originally posted by JerryYan:
wat does my daughter quite big got to do with premarital sex
I don't catch it leh
dun need to rotan liao ... -
Simple, Do u love her? if yes, believe and treat her well,
if no, just buzz off,
if not sure, also buzz off.