I write with feelings of confusion. I'm not quite close to agony, but my situation is enough to jostle a few sleepless nights now and then. Seeking advice from people here, what would you do if you were in my situation?

I tried breaking contact. I deleted his numbers. I changed my numbers. But no matter how hard I try, as always I'd end up revisiting the same old grounds going through the same old feelings. The phone rings while I’m fast asleep, I pick it up in a hurry and it turns out to be him. Either that or I do not recognize a new number and I wind up picking up the call. The cycle is getting tiring. And I have long concluded we’re headed nowhere.

A few weeks ago, he asked me why I never seem to call him or initiate contact even when he’s back home. I reflected asking him why should I? I’m searching for a person who can be around for my ups and downs. Not some kind of ninja (like a forumer once described) who appears and disappears at will. To pacify the situation he told me he’d be around when I need him. Even now when he makes the effort to make more contact while overseas, I view it as his latest attention-seeking ploy.

Am I too cynical about this person or am I a dimwit, back up, spare tyre who keeps falling for the same old tricks?

Along with most of his other three worded sentences, I’m hardly a believer anymore but I'm finding it arduous to keep him out of my mind.

What I do not understand is why is that no matter how hard I try to be rid of this person in my life, he has to keep coming back. Why he isn’t getting the hint. Is it because he thinks I’m really this stupid?

Feel free to be harsh.

JD,

Are you allowing yourself to get to know other guys ?

You keep going back to the same old ground, because you have no newer ground to skip to.

Is he really the most "eligible" guy in your life right now ? If so, just roll with it. Stop the hinting game.. stop the second guessing.

Be forthright with your feelings to him. Don't be afraid to demand what you need from him. If he is truly the right guy for you, he'd be more than obliged to give you what you need.

Originally posted by jojobeach:

JD,

Are you allowing yourself to get to know other guys ?

You keep going back to the same old ground, because you have no newer ground to skip to.

Is he really the most "eligible" guy in your life right now ? If so, just roll with it. Stop the hinting game.. stop the second guessing.

Be forthright with your feelings to him. Don't be afraid to demand what you need from him. If he is truly the right guy for you, he'd be more than obliged to give you what you need.

 

Jo, work keeps me busy. Time flies quickly. I date people from time to time. I have no future with Mr G.

Even for those I have no liking for, the way I see it some are more vacant than wistful. Others more wistful than vacant. People come and go in my life, I'm hardly in search of new grounds in the realm of romance.

I don't think it's the problem of finding a new man. The problem could lie with myself? I have no idea. I cannot pin.

I have been very forthright as a person with him. I told him this is headed nowhere. He asks me why. I tell him because he is this strange person who'll never be mine. He says he feels exactly the same way about me. I tell him it upsets me when he leaves. He informs me when he leaves and now makes it a point of telling me when he'll be back. But hey big fucking deal right? It feels as if he's now reminding me when he'll be back so I can clear my schedule in advance and make some space for him.

The cycle repeats. Whatever cycle it may be, on days like this I think of it as a vicious cycle. And him, as a devious person.

in life we must try 2 move forward no matter how tough. never look back. we only rem happy memories, forget the unpleasant ones, only then can we improve n move on.

Originally posted by bryanw:

in life we must try 2 move forward no matter how tough. never look back. we only rem happy memories, forget the unpleasant ones, only then can we improve n move on.

I'm hanging in the balance of these two ideas.

On one hand I know it's important to go on instead of going back.

On the other hand, I'm chastened into believing life is short.

Somehow somewhere, I feel very conflicted.

to help u everytime u think of going back to the past just rem if u ever do so, all yr current effort to move on will be back 2 sq 1. would u want that?

sounds like you hav been nominated as his local F Buddy

Originally posted by skeujin:

sounds like you hav been nominated as his local F Buddy

You think so? I feel that way as well. I believe I've been trying too hard to rationalise this when in fact, all along it has been a meaningless problem. What I need is a good kick in the ass and wake up the idea.

he married izit?

u oso itchy izit.

juz dun gib him.

c he stil call anot.

Originally posted by Hello Kitty:

he married izit?

u oso itchy izit.

juz dun gib him.

c he stil call anot.

Thanks for the advice so far.

He's not married, at least not here in Singapore. Not so sure about elsewhere. Not my ultimate goal to marry him. The way I see it, there's no real objective to this affair apart from the occasional companionship. Anything more than that is unnecessary. Or even beyond what is possible.

To the second question, I'd be lying if I said I do not miss him when he's gone.

I think the problem is even if I do not respond and come up with excuses for being busy etc, he'll still be calling. If not today, then tomorrow. Or the day after.

Originally posted by jackdaniels:

Jo, work keeps me busy. Time flies quickly. I date people from time to time. I have no future with Mr G.

Even for those I have no liking for, the way I see it some are more vacant than wistful. Others more wistful than vacant. People come and go in my life, I'm hardly in search of new grounds in the realm of romance.

I don't think it's the problem of finding a new man. The problem could lie with myself? I have no idea. I cannot pin.

I have been very forthright as a person with him. I told him this is headed nowhere. He asks me why. I tell him because he is this strange person who'll never be mine. He says he feels exactly the same way about me. I tell him it upsets me when he leaves. He informs me when he leaves and now makes it a point of telling me when he'll be back. But hey big fucking deal right? It feels as if he's now reminding me when he'll be back so I can clear my schedule in advance and make some space for him.

The cycle repeats. Whatever cycle it may be, on days like this I think of it as a vicious cycle. And him, as a devious person.

 

 

Perhaps it is time, you give him some hope. Give him the assurance he needs from you.

Instead of telling him that you see no future with him. Perhaps you need a more optimistic approach to this relationship.

Instead of telling him it's doomsday, why not let him know you see a thousand possibilities with him.

Offer him something he can hold on to.

He is a procrastinator.. and a procrastinator will not take the bait unless he is very very.. absolutely sure it's gonna be a secure long term investment.

Right now.. you're like a high risk investment.

On a lighter side, perhaps you can propose a long term plan. Like get married and start a family with him.

I'd wonder how he's gonna react.....(chuckle)

Originally posted by jojobeach:

Perhaps it is time, you give him some hope. Give him the assurance he needs from you.

 

Instead of telling him that you see no future with him. Perhaps you need a more optimistic approach to this relationship.

 

Instead of telling him it's doomsday, why not let him know you see a thousand possibilities with him.

 

Offer him something he can hold on to.

 

He is a procrastinator.. and a procrastinator will not take the bait unless he is very very.. absolutely sure it's gonna be a secure long term investment.

 

Right now.. you're like a high risk investment.

 

On a lighter side, perhaps you can propose a long term plan. Like get married and start a family with him.

I'd wonder how he's gonna react.....(chuckle)

 

 

 

It did cross my mind to conceive a story about being attached so it's best for us cease contact.

Originally posted by jackdaniels:

It did cross my mind to conceive a story about being attached so it's best for us cease contact.

JD, you need to make up your mind.

Do you want to have a future with this guy , or not ?

If you are really very sure he is not the one for you, then yes, telling him you are attached will sure kill the bird.

But if you are just using this lie to test his feelings for you, you;re making  a big mistake.

 If you cannot be honest with yourself.. how can you expect another to be honest with you ?

Originally posted by jojobeach:

JD, you need to make up your mind.

Do you want to have a future with this guy , or not ?

If you are really very sure he is not the one for you, then yes, telling him you are attached will sure kill the bird.

But if you are just using this lie to test his feelings for you, you;re making  a big mistake.

 If you cannot be honest with yourself.. how can you expect another to be honest with you ?

Hi Jo,

No future with this person no matter what happens. We're headed for very different places in life. I think the only window for a possible relationship/future was closed a long time ago. My only dilemma is my inability to let it go. I just would like some advice on how to let go of these old feelings which aren't doing me any good.

Originally posted by jackdaniels:

Hi Jo,

No future with this person no matter what happens. We're headed for very different places in life. I think the only window for a possible relationship/future was closed a long time ago. My only dilemma is my inability to let it go. I just would like some advice on how to let go of these old feelings which aren't doing me any good.

If that is the case.. have you specifically told him you do not wish to have further contact with him ?

When he calls.. you need to tell him " If this is about work, I'd be glad to hear you out. If not, please do not call me again."

And if he ask you why.. you can use your tactic about having a boyfriend. After all , it is your personal choice.. and he has no right to question it any further.

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

if u hv th time to spare den u cont to go out wif him loh.

bt refuse to do th deed itself; eberitime liddat.

in time to cm, he oso wun contact u le.

Just tell him directly the reason why.

Breaking contact may not be a good way to end a relationship for your case. I think you are confuse is because the relationship is still not end in a clear way for BOTH YOU AND HIM.

Originally posted by jackdaniels:

You think so? I feel that way as well. I believe I've been trying too hard to rationalise this when in fact, all along it has been a meaningless problem. What I need is a good kick in the ass and wake up the idea.

go get a hobby, do volunteer work, chat in forums... im sure you can be find more productive things to do than to wait for a guy who is never there.

Thanks people for the advice so far.

Jo, I think you're giving him too much credit. It's true that human beings by nature, they test. But some men stick around even when they know the relationship is not going to last. Usually to finish milking the sex until the female actually leaves.

HK, thanks I know. So if anyone was going to bail, it has got to be me.

Go, no need to tell him so many reasons, long and short grandmother story. The way I see it, there's no real way to seek closure except to really just vanish.

skeujin, I don't really have hobbies but work keeps me very busy. Not a very productive person by nature but yeah, anything's better than waiting for someone who's never here for me.

tell him both of you "道不同，不相为谋"

Originally posted by jackdaniels:

Thanks people for the advice so far.

Jo, I think you're giving him too much credit. It's true that human beings by nature, they test. But some men stick around even when they know the relationship is not going to last. Usually to finish milking the sex until the female actually leaves.

HK, thanks I know. So if anyone was going to bail, it has got to be me.

Go, no need to tell him so many reasons, long and short grandmother story. The way I see it, there's no real way to seek closure except to really just vanish.

skeujin, I don't really have hobbies but work keeps me very busy. Not a very productive person by nature but yeah, anything's better than waiting for someone who's never here for me.

JD,

So why are you letting them milk your sex ?

He didn't stick a knife at your throat did he ?

He calls, you respond. And you go home feeling like a used doll. What's the point ?

Since you are not emotionally able to handle the fark buddy game, I suggest you don't play it.

Are you subconsciously thinking that he is there to fall back on in terms of companionship? And that when he comes back into your life, there's a tinge of familiarity or "i have so missed you..." that is holding you back?

I think if you want to really move on from this, u got to be hard on urself. Break off all contact. Or like what some of the forumners say, cook up an attached status story. Even though the sleepless nights might continue for awhile, at least, you know that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

Transistion periods are the toughest. Is either u make it or break it.

All the best, girl!

Originally posted by jackdaniels:

Hi Jo,

No future with this person no matter what happens. We're headed for very different places in life. I think the only window for a possible relationship/future was closed a long time ago. My only dilemma is my inability to let it go. I just would like some advice on how to let go of these old feelings which aren't doing me any good.

You know your problem. Start from there.

Your inner dialogue. Your thinking. Your mind is talking, try to identify who is actually talking, and give her a name. You will find your subconscious (or whatever name you gave it) elusive, and when you identified it, it will quieten down. Try it, and practice will lessen your dilemma. In the mean time, don't mind  the guy, and don't date him. When he calls, just dismiss him, and watch you mind's dialogue.

And of course, you can't have a blank mind, think of other things. How to make life in the office easier. Increase you vocabulary, think of new words every day. Practice  awareness of your surroundings, by listening out and seeing details. Solve a sudoku puzzle. Don't let you mind go on auto run.

You're feeling this way maybe because he has made a definite impact in your life in the past. It is hard to forget such a person in our lives.

One way is not to make this person the centre of your universe. You can try focusing your attention elsewhere, like on your studies/job, or family, or a new love perhaps?

From the way you wrote, either he is a persistent fool deeply in with you, or he is a pervert-on-way-to-becoming-stalker. Stop giving him attention. Put your hp on silent mode when you sleep at night. Don't pick up calls whose numbers you don't recognize. Don't reply his SMSes. Ignore him TOTALLY.

It's tough, but you have to do something, ya? We're here for you.

ar boh.

who can help u if u no wan to help urself.