Hi everyone. i had posted a few times earlier. dunno if u guys remember me. but anyway i am back once again to seek some clarity in confronting my problems. hope i can get some feedback from the different people and their views. :)
Me and my gf have been together for like 6 yrs now. during this 6 yrs we had our ups and downs and we broke up 3 times before. each time after the break up, i got into a rebound relationship where i enjoyed the company of the new gal but never did i love them. nevertheless i did my utmost best for the gals giving most of my time. but each time whenever the one i truly love(my gf let's call her 'A") contacts me, we actually patched back because we missed each other alot. i am actually of a different race from my gf. my gf is chinese and she has been my first gf ever. The first time we broke up was because after 3 yrs of being together with her, she persistently sought a breakup as the solution to our problems. i had endured enough for the 3 yrs and just after an accident i went through, she asked for a break up yet again. this time i complied because i decided i had enough.
A month after this, i had another gf 'E' who i had lots of fun with. she brought a new meaning to my life because i was enjoying getting to know another gal. i had previously devoted my self n time to just 'A' and didnt mix with other gals at all. but i was unhappy deep down in my heart because i knew 'E' was never gonna be the gal i am going to settle down with. and finally 3 months after being with 'E' i mustered the courage to break up with 'E' and reconciled with 'A' after 'A' had gotten into contact with me. (i admit i am a soft hearted person where i can take care of a person and am prepared to live with the person and take care with her even though i do not like her. it's due to my stupid feeling of being responsible for my actions) that's why i say that i mustered the courage to break up with 'E' because 'E' was a very good and nice gal. she never angered me nor showed any signs of bad temperedness that 'A' exhibited. but still i left her n got back with 'A'
After getting back with 'A' i realised that things were never going to be the same. i tried as much as i could but i just took the relationship for granted. i never wanted to see her as much as i used to want to see her. i just enjoyed the intimacy that we had and also the fact of having someone whom i loved beside me. also during the breakup prior to this, i got into contact with many gals and realised that there is a whole wide sea out there. there are indeed so many gals who are better than 'A' and i wanted to make as many female frenz as i could. i didnt wanna be stuck in the same situation as to hafing a frenz circle with no gals in them at all again. so i kept in touch with all the gals i made frenz with. i didnt like them but just u know, keep in touch and the occasional lunch/dinner kinda thing.
My gf 'A' was extremely unhappy that i wasn't giving my all in the relationship. i admitted to her that i couldnt give my all after what had happened and that i will try my best to spend time with her. but that wasnt enuf for her. she wanted me to stop my clubbings(with guy group..no gals inside and my gf A knows my 2 guy frenz). she says that i will be stolen by other gals. to me, i am an average person and being from the minor race, i dun fancy anyone of my race and also the chance of me getting together with ANOTHER chinese gal is extremely slim and so i told her not to be afraid. despite that 'A' was still worried and would follow me on my clubbing sessions. one day on my bday, she got so angry that a gal was dancing with me when i swear that i didn't. the gal who was dancing close to me was a fren who was dancing with ANOTHER gal. this set up another storm of fights between her n me. even my fren who wasnt drunk vouched for me that i DID NOT dance with any other gal. so after those arguments we broke up again.
after this breakup, 2 months later i got involved with another gal of the same race as me. again i felt very unhappy and this gal 'G' had a bf who she was not happy with also. so we spent much time together. i told myself that i will leave when i find someone who i really love and i hope that it had better be soon. 'G' had also told me that she liked this relationship to be open in the sense that either of us could leave anytime and we would respect the other party's decision. 4 months later, G and me broke up because i could not stand the idea of 'sharing' her with another guy because when her actual bf was ard i could not contact her. her promise of choosing either one of us was also taking a longer time than she said so i decided to end it. i felt good about it because i knew she was not who i loved.
suddenly by god's grace, the very next day, 'A' contacted me saying that she was drunk and asked if i could send her home. after like 6 months of no contact, i decided that i shall go and see the one whom i really loved. after sending her home, she confided that she loved me alot (in a sober state of course) and that she has never chosen anyone else despite our breaking up for so long. (she is a very pretty gal being sought after by many many guys) so we got back together. things were fine at first. she really had changed for the better by so much! she was very mild tempered. she was very into her new found religion. but she never trusted me. she was always suspecting that i was chatting up other gals etc. yes it's true that i do chat on the irc and msn. i haf tons of contacts whom i do not know and am just a virtual fren with to them. so whenever ppl have problems i tend to lend a listening ear to them.
there was this once where this gal was having prob and i told her that not to worry so much. even me haf a gf but i am not happy in the relationship. there are many ppl out there who are much better than her ex-bf etc etc. and my gf stumbled about thissaved msn chatlog. we argued abt it and i told her that i was only coaxing the gal. why didnt she read all those other msn msgs where i so happily told to all my frenz that i patched back with my gf n i really love her alot etc etc. from then on after seeing that msg she has never trusted me.
she will always read my frenster msgs and get angry whenever i add any gal. when she asks me why i did tat, i just tell her that i do not know the gal at all. which is true. i just add becoz she added me. is this wrong?.even the status of being 'single' in frenster got her angry. but i put as 'single' becoz we always break up n reconcile. whenever i change everyone in my list knows what happens and my lifestory become public. i hate that and so i decided to leave it as 'single' forever. this one also is wrong in her eyes.!!! anyway after having so much problems with frenster i deleted it away for her. the latest problem was today when i tried to get a client for my brother.(this client is my fren whom my gf 'A' and me and her together with another 5 frenz went ktv singing togther on friday) in doing so, she read a conversation sms i had with another female fren. in it i playfully told my female fren liek this "ya lor.. i msg her coz she wan buy thing from my brother wat. u wanna buy thing from my bro meh? thats y no msg u but msg her instead. no la.actaully i love her i just realised today. thats why i msg her. haha" i and my fren always tok like this.. but my gf upon seeing this sms she got angry. and she started showing me face and wanted to break up again. i started to coax her and i could see that she was really very tired of being in this relationship. i tried explaining myself that if i did have anything to hide i will not even be keeping that msg in my hp. in fact i should be the one doubting her because she is the one who is in sales and always haf customers sending her lovey dovey gdnite msgs. but i have never doubted her nor always check her hp. but she always do this to me.
now i am in a predicament. i dun wanna continue arguing all the time. but i also do not wanna break up. and i am always the playful type who will joke and tok alot to gals infront of my gf. i feel that toking in front of her means that i got nothing to hide. even so, those gals all know that my gf is there with me. and i am really tired of always not earning my gf's trust. she never trusts me and it seems that checking on my email,frenster,hp is becoming a daily affair. so can someone pls tell me what i should do? and she always thinks that i haf alot of gals going after me when in fact most of my free time is spent with her.
is leaving her the right thing to do? in that sense, she will haf a chance to learn to trust another person who might become her bf. because she never trusts me so when we get married this will certainly pose a big problem.
but if we breakup i am damn sure that i will be very unhappy. i dun even think i can learn to love another person again. i just wanna study and earn more money now. btw i am 26 and my gf is coming to 25 so pls dun think we are those small boy small gal dunno how to think and get into love etc.
i thank those for giving constructive points for my complicated relationship.
if you don't breakup, you two forever play guessing games unless one of you have the good sense not to be jealous again..
if you breakup, you cannot have the mindset that A is the one.. or else you are stuck in that cycle over again..
tinuviel07 --> thanks for ur reply. i shall try not to haf the mindset that A is the one again. i shall learn to let go. but i haveto clarify that i have never been jealous of her. wat i meant was i SHOULD have been the jealous one because of her many male customers constantly in contact with her. but then i trust her and have never once questioned her. in fact i even told her not to reveal that she has a bf in order to boost up her sales. coz i believe that some idiots will not wanna buy ur products when they realise that u are attached. :( so if i can not be jealous why cant she respect me having other female frenz? haiz.. :(
well mindset is damn hard to change i know.. but you got plenty of nice girls around to show you the way =) girls are never logical, being one myself i know. haha.. so it's no use arguing whether it's fair or not because with girls, it's never fair and balanced ;)
tinuviel07--> haha yeah i realised that gals are never logical. i read the book men from mars etc book and realised tat. i am just sad that i wasted 6 yrs of gf 'A's life. also sad that i cant have her for myself because in doing so she can never accept my behaviours and will never be happy. :( in a way i am glad too becoz there are many other things that i have yet to quote like her sudden interest in religion which is causing alot of difficulties between ourselves and her extreme hatred for my mum. haha. i just hope i can get to move on smoothly. it is gonna bedifficult definitely because all my frenz know her and we are always seen together. so when we are not seen together they will go like"wat? break up again? nextweek will be together again just see" etc kinda comments. but i am not going to let history repeat itself again. for the good of her n me. sad but i think i got to take this path. :( just dunno if it is the right path or will it haunt me in future? heh..sianz..
U want A, B, C, D or what?
My advice for u is: "Don't bother going into a r/s if u don't love the girl. U are hurting her in the process..."
FUCK
Break up and together again .. wtf.
break up then find another gal then break up with that another gal bcuz E just too good and u know u cant be with her and the G is just for fucking play ? Wtf u thinking ?
One word for fucktard like u , TS, dun play with ppl's feeling if u dun have feeling for them.
U still love your 1st gf then why u together with another gal when u guys broke up? Dont u think you're such a fucktard loser?
My advise to u. STick to your fucking decision. You're making everyone around u especially gals feeling like an idiot to be with you then break up.
IF YOU WAN TO BREAK UP, THEN BREAK UP FOREVER
Dont u think perhaps your gf find it hard to trust u becuz you're such a playboy b4?
Well, we wont know the whole story or if u hiding something from us. Get your gf and talk here and see what fucking things that u did that might have made her lose her trust on u.
I HATE PPL LIKE U !
i have to agree.... don't lead ppl on to thinking you luv her..
I can see you all have a lack of communication. coaxing her doesn't solve anything at all. Thrash things out with her. Tell her how you really feel.
only then can you find a solution that you wun regret.
I think when it comes to relationships people should not be so wishy washy.
ur relationship not complicated la.. i read only i noe why got all the conflicts liao..
u tok to other girl, flirt, msn "tok bad" abt ur gf, if im a ger and if im ur gf i tink u can find ur dick sumwhere in the sea liao..
u said it urself.,. 26 yrs old.. and u still playful want to tok wif other girls and want to hang ard and have fun? who can tolerate?
when u enter a relationship, u put effort into it.. u put effort into making the other person happy.. u do things to make the person love u.. u dun go into a relationship just to have someone u can sms when u are bored and to eat lunch and dinner with u leh..
friendster? msn? duno the person? add for wat? ur behaviour seems very very unsuitable for going into a long term relationship.. unless u can reflect and, im sorry i have to say this, grow up, u shouldn't step into a long term r/s... just carry on boozing and clubbing ur life away until u are sick and tired of parties and want to settle down with a person u really care for..
u are not ready..
Fug Chiu rah TS!!!! after reading so much you just a playboy....
it cant be more complicated than susilo and li jiawei right?
TS, you are an immature playboy fucktard. stop wasting those girls' time.
Luckily.. you are not my bf.
This post damn long,
can't bother to read it.
Summarise it...
Don't go into another relationship just after a break-up. Don't get into a relationship without knowing what exactly you are getting yourself into. If your heart isn't ready yet, take it slow.
Based on the above account, I 'm not exactly sure of the reasons why your girlfriend seems to have mistrust and anger with you. Probably she knows you are the playful type and have been messing around with girls. Can you blame her completely for that? You should have take it slow and lead her slowly in learning how to trust you again. Avoid all actions that will arouse mistrust and arguement,learn to compromise if you want to keep the relationship and not arguing for the sake of ego.
Sorry misread. You haven't broken up with her ? Take some time to do some self-reflection and some time to figure out what exactly is working. Maybe you need to communicate with her slowly.
Originally posted by hamu:TS, you are an immature playboy fucktard. stop wasting those girls' time.
lol hamu, 1st post already so aggresive lol
Threadstarter,
Your story is really long, but here goes.
There are some good things you like about A (being chinese, and the level of intimacy etc) and there are some things you dislike about her (the problems both of you face).
Rebound relationships with other girls like E and G are purely physical fun, but the level of commitment is not what you are looking for. Hence, they are never the same as the relationship with A, who gives you 100% commitment.
You seem to have a problem with giving 100% commitment to a girl, but you prefer a girl who gives you 100% commitment.
A did lots of things which showed that she didn't trust you because you have NOT demonstrated yourself to be worthy of trust.
You want A to pledge wholehearted trust to you and give you 100% commitment, and at the same time you want to reserve 5% commitment to other girls (5% to you, 95% to A) and have innocent fun chatting.
You can't have your cake and eat it.
Two options:
1) Improve yourself and ditch all the forests for that one tree. Sooner or later, you have to anyway.
2) Ditch A and tell her you can't measure up to what she wants. A deserves more than what you can give her now, and you know it. She's 25, and has a good 5-10 years ahead of her to find a man who can give her what she needs. Spare her the agony. Then, you can have all the innocent but meaningless fun in the world.
alright people thanks for all the inputs that u haf offered. i admit that i had put myself in a bad light in the post.it was on purpose. but there is so much more that u people dunno and i purposely posted it in a way where i did not reveal on my gf 'A''s actions which made me wat i am now,,someone devoid of feelings towards others(not everyone as in others. but more for a selfish purpose). so curse me for all u want. i will never address my gf 'A"s mistakes for i believe that watever mistakes she did i haf forgotten and forgiven.i can take it. haha. there was once where 'A' was the world to me and i never ever looked at other gals .. yes u read it right..not even a 2nd look at any model look-a-like gal on the road.but 'A' made me take notice of other gals and guys. maybe she tot it was something common that we can chat about? but it backfired. i started noticing others more and more often than not over time, i would be the one telling her about who is pretty n who is handsome. but after the first break up.. my world tore apart. i loved her even more than anything in the world(everyone knew that.. i gave up many things including a career which i wanted to take but chose a more secure future instead)and at the most bottom part of my life, she left me due to me being 'boring'. anyways ..u guys calling me playboy? its ok.. because i and the 2 gals 'E' n 'G' know that the relationship was to be tried out. i did tell the both of them that i just had a break up and i never wanted to be in a relationship with them neither did i love them. but they said 'why not just try' and since i am a guy and got nothing to lose, i took up the offer.i tried loving them but i failed. i was never happy. anyway feel free to comment more and call me names or even scold me. because u do not know the REAL COMPLETE story. yes if my gf 'A' comes in she will tell her own version of the story and she will definitely be first to admit that it took two hands to clap to where we are now. she always feels that i am taking revenge on her for all her prev actions tat she had done wrong to me. which is not. so to ppl like ZARK and whoever else haf scolded me vulgar words.. ur vulgarities do not affect me one bit. try harder yeah? coz i asked for constructive comments and not abuses. and for all those comments made without vulgarities no matter against me or in relation to my actions i thank u all. i am probably gonna leave 'A' alone and let her haf a better future with someone else whom she deserves. and i haf to stress that i am not asking for self pity or watsoever in case my posting this somehow leads u to that. i stand by my actions and i believe what i did was right in the past. i never cheated any gal. the only mistake i made was to add frenz on frenster which i deleted it away recently
A fresh bowl of laksa will smell if you leave it to.
Just end the whole draggy episode altogether.
you DONT LOVE A . bloody hell .
if you really love her , you wouldnt be adding some random girl just because she adds you . (you already know this would make her jealous)
you wont be doing things you know would make her jealous but you still continue with .
not doing all this would prove to her that she really means a lot to you .
but you don't make the effort to show her that .
she doesnt feel it . and i think the both of you keep getting together and breaking and patching because you are each other's comfort zone .
it has become more like a habit thing instead of love .
true love is not like that .
true love involves commitment, understanding, and trust .
end everything once and for all .
break off all contacts , change your number . block and delete in msn .
else once you break up and stop contacting , once she contacts you again the whole damn cycle starts again .
even when i read it i feel so irritated and sick , not to mention both of you . the actual parties .
so just end it once and for all .
You and her weren't prepared to deal with the shadow overcasted from previous r/s.
Both were already wounded and, yet not being sensitive to each other's feeling.
If you ask me what is real love.
Love is never a constant of state happiness.
Real love is composed of agony and esctasy.
Guess you have had love. You didn't treasure it.
Don't subscribe to the idea that you can't love again.
Learn from this relationship, and be a better man when move onto another relationship.
Why do you have to go into TWO relationship after a break up.
You can't love someone with a broken heart.
It isn't fair to someone to be her replacement.
You can never truly heal your wound there way.
It always take the wound some time to heal.
Just don't live in anger and bitter. Life is too short for that.
TS, no need to try harder to affect u, cuz u just know how to take advantage as a guy and got nothing to lose right? Then how can any word affect u? The gals said why not try together, and u SIMPLY accepted the offer even u know u dont like them. Pathetic. No?
"i stand by my actions and i believe what i did was right in the past. i never cheated any gal. the only mistake i made was to add frenz on frenster which i deleted it away recently" -Quated by TS
(THE only mistake was adding frens in frenster? u mean u never made any mistake being together with some1 u dont love? Im impressed!) Plus, adding a fren in frenster was never a mistake, this is your gal mistake for being jealous for a simple things like that. I dont even know if you know what is right for you.
I see so you're frustated with her attitude making u nver wanting to meet her as often. Is this what happened when u 1st be together with her? Was she the type that she is now? not trusting u? and for being bad tempered gal, she already tried to be better and u know it. Dont u think if she can try to change her bad tempered manner, can she try to change her trust on u?
I still think u might hide something, normally no gals would not trust their man until that extent unless u did something bad behind her. I dont know the truth unless the gal can speak up her mind here.
If shes just being herself of jealousy and unable to trust u, then why dont u do something to make her trust u back. The reason she never see u really put effort in this r/s is that u probably never show any good action to make her believe. Then if you never put some good actions, do u dare to say u really love her?
Whatever, this is your choice. U wanna go for it then be it. Wan to break up then break forever. and a lesson for you, dont be with a gal whom u dont like (taking advantages as a guy and got nothing to lose, lol great philosophy) That just show how lowly life you could be.
For your gal, if shes here in sgf, the best if she can tell this story too. Who knows if u just added some spices in the story. I wont say i believe all your story at all. Still need touch up from the gal.
If u still with your stupid philosophy of taking granted as a guy with nothing to lose. then God bless u lol. Enough said
Originally posted by kiseki:you DONT LOVE A . bloody hell .
if you really love her , you wouldnt be adding some random girl just because she adds you . (you already know this would make her jealous)
you wont be doing things you know would make her jealous but you still continue with .
not doing all this would prove to her that she really means a lot to you .
but you don't make the effort to show her that .
she doesnt feel it . and i think the both of you keep getting together and breaking and patching because you are each other's comfort zone .
it has become more like a habit thing instead of love .
true love is not like that .
true love involves commitment, understanding, and trust .
end everything once and for all .
break off all contacts , change your number . block and delete in msn .
else once you break up and stop contacting , once she contacts you again the whole damn cycle starts again .
even when i read it i feel so irritated and sick , not to mention both of you . the actual parties .
so just end it once and for all .
adding gals frens in friendster or msn is ok. but not to extend u chat with them all time even if your gf is around... and not to the extend to talk with gals infront of her and saying this is to show gf that u got nothing to hide?
But kiseki, u got the point. if you dont know any gal, why add them in the 1st place?
I just think the gf dont trust that guy bcuz hes just a playful type. No?
You see his 1st post. Hes asking opinion to break up or not. then blabla bout breaking up will make him unhappy. He NEVER even seek solutions how to make her gal trust him more. If he really loves her gf, he would have 1st seek solution to this, not to the end point of breaking up. and would some1 who loved their partner do this:
"i started to coax her and i could see that she was really very tired of being in this relationship" -Quoted from TS.
Threadstarter,
From your long story, I deduced a few things, see below. Hopefully my subsequent comments can help.
A and you seem to be in a very close relationship for the past few years, yet sometimes insecurities on her part and perhaps your immature responses played a big deal in creating conflicts between both of you.
When you broke up with her, you felt a sudden rush of fresh air and freedom. Well, I won't really blame you. Anyone who's in a tight insecure relationship, be it guy or girl, would feel the same.
You've experimented with other relationships with other girls, the freedom is okay, but the intimacy and "feeling" is not. It doesn't feel right.
You went back to A, taking into account of all the good things about her.
But past problems arose. From what you said, serious trust issues exist between A and you. She thinks you are not back for good, and I would say even you are unsure about whether you would be back to her for good.
One possible solution: As long as trust issues exist, the relationship will be strained. Physical intimacy cannot help sustain the relationship alone. I suggest you two iron out all the issues you have about each other. Not only about her issues with you, but also about what you dislike about her. It may take weeks or even months. And when you are at it, show some commitment, don't "fling" around (if that's the correct word). Be normal friends but probational couple.
Good luck!