need advice
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hi everyone, need some advice, story is a bit long sorry about that.
got to know this girl in the same uni class, dint really know her at first but somehow got to know each other better a month ago. contacted her abt my other friend whom i tot he was in trouble, n somehow we got closer and talked to each other on the phone almost every night. went out a few times in a large group and went out alone with her twice. at the start, i just wanted to know her more out of curiosity, but somehow we jus have endless topics to chat about and she confided in me about her problems. it was during exams period and we studied together everyday, i would make it a point to send her home everytime we go out.
i tot of her as a platonic friend, but dint knew i fell for her. there was this once i sent her home when she told me not to treat her so gd if nt she will fall for me, i brushed aside that statement carelessly, n dint tot much of that.
i told her i liked her, and she said she liked me too. everything happened kind of fast. the problem is she has a boyfriend of 3 years and does not want to be unfaithful towards him. he is in national service. i know i might be just a temporary refuge as an emotional support or something better than a normal friend but i jus kept falling deeper. she made statements like curbing her feelings towards me and tellling herself to stop liking me, to which i refuted with anger and din accept those stuff. she would love to play mind games with me and make me guess wad she was thinking, and would make hurtful statements sometimes.
i made her cried , when i had enough n told her i would stop smsing her n bothering her, cause i know in the end she will not leave her bf. i dont know why she can say these stuff and i cant.
our sms towards each other gradually lessened and now that exams are over, we dont see each other everyday anymore. 2 days ago i stopped smsing her totally and she asked me why dint receive my msg for so long, to which i replied that she doesnt reply me when she is with boyfriend and sms her also no use. we talked briefly yesterday on the phone and was going out today when she cancelled it and i jus hecked it. i would pacify her everytime whenever she got angry, and i tot i jus dont want to do that anymore. our sms jus became colder. i guess
i am very confused n sad, i asked friends for advice and they told me if it aint got any ending and i got to stop hurting myself. i know about that but somehow not willing to, cause i tot if 2 people liked each other, i dont know why we cant be together. i tell myself everyday to be her a good friend, and jus let it go but still miss her a great deal. we only know each other for not long, n i dont know why i liked her so much.
in any case i am 23 this year, to my friends i am a lively yet rational person that dishes out advice to them whenever they need it. i cant comprehend why i am not rational anymore.
please tell me what i should do, any advice will really be appreciated a great deal
thank you for reading and your time, hopefully will get a response from any of you which can help me. =)
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1. she already got bf in NS
2. she also already got bf in NS
so stop seeing her as shes treating u as a substitube or maybe not, dun be a third party and let me ask you..
do you like other ppl to be a third party in your r/s, if you dun like it then do it to others...is good for her and you.
i believe you are a great guy,theres still tons of single girls out there..so chin up and be a man,do the right thing
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well.. It's the best this way. since she had a bf and stayed with the bf, good for her. you can face her as her best friend then go ahead? if not just leave for good.
a short period is enough to spark into something big. love is just like that.
she was just as lost as you when you made her cry. It's hard to make the decision of leaving a 3 yr r/s and face the remarks of being a smuggle. and thankfully you never pressure her to do that.
imo, just let her be and continue with your "anything" method. seriously, no need to treat her that nice unless you really want to snatch her away from the r/s.
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thanks for yr advices. thanks cuddles for making me feel better.
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Originally posted by clyde1985:
thanks for yr advices. thanks cuddles for making me feel better.
no problem. :) -
what a sad story from your point of view..but not that anymore if it is from her bf's view...you are the destroyer ..you r the third party...and pls do not let ppl label you as third party..it is XXXXXX.. u know what i mean....i broke up with my gf cos of third party...i know ppl might think that our r/s not strong enuff...but sometimes we canlt help it...if it is not stable then let it part by itself..we dun need third one to do for us....pls let it cool for sometimes..and she still think of you and miss you..think she will do somethi to her r/s and eventually she might end up together with you...if she not miss you and contact..think she is just need someone for emotional support cos of her bf in NS right now...that is not love anymore...think twice of what you can do right now...think of the consequenses if u do anythi silly now..u might hurting her instead of loving in the end...
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e x a c t l y the same case as me. and for mine....its still ongoing.
hope.....dangles on a string......
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Originally posted by clyde1985:
hi everyone, need some advice, story is a bit long sorry about that.
got to know this girl in the same uni class, dint really know her at first but somehow got to know each other better a month ago. contacted her abt my other friend whom i tot he was in trouble, n somehow we got closer and talked to each other on the phone almost every night. went out a few times in a large group and went out alone with her twice. at the start, i just wanted to know her more out of curiosity, but somehow we jus have endless topics to chat about and she confided in me about her problems. it was during exams period and we studied together everyday, i would make it a point to send her home everytime we go out.
i tot of her as a platonic friend, but dint knew i fell for her. there was this once i sent her home when she told me not to treat her so gd if nt she will fall for me, i brushed aside that statement carelessly, n dint tot much of that.
i told her i liked her, and she said she liked me too. everything happened kind of fast. the problem is she has a boyfriend of 3 years and does not want to be unfaithful towards him. he is in national service. i know i might be just a temporary refuge as an emotional support or something better than a normal friend but i jus kept falling deeper. she made statements like curbing her feelings towards me and tellling herself to stop liking me, to which i refuted with anger and din accept those stuff. she would love to play mind games with me and make me guess wad she was thinking, and would make hurtful statements sometimes.
i made her cried , when i had enough n told her i would stop smsing her n bothering her, cause i know in the end she will not leave her bf. i dont know why she can say these stuff and i cant.
our sms towards each other gradually lessened and now that exams are over, we dont see each other everyday anymore. 2 days ago i stopped smsing her totally and she asked me why dint receive my msg for so long, to which i replied that she doesnt reply me when she is with boyfriend and sms her also no use. we talked briefly yesterday on the phone and was going out today when she cancelled it and i jus hecked it. i would pacify her everytime whenever she got angry, and i tot i jus dont want to do that anymore. our sms jus became colder. i guess
i am very confused n sad, i asked friends for advice and they told me if it aint got any ending and i got to stop hurting myself. i know about that but somehow not willing to, cause i tot if 2 people liked each other, i dont know why we cant be together. i tell myself everyday to be her a good friend, and jus let it go but still miss her a great deal. we only know each other for not long, n i dont know why i liked her so much.
in any case i am 23 this year, to my friends i am a lively yet rational person that dishes out advice to them whenever they need it. i cant comprehend why i am not rational anymore.
please tell me what i should do, any advice will really be appreciated a great deal
thank you for reading and your time, hopefully will get a response from any of you which can help me. =)
Actually this is quite a classic situation
because it's when the unconscious aspect of love is brought forth consciously
through various catalysis and situational factors, it often creates a demand so
robust that it strikes you like a growing hunger and subconsciously relates an
unfathomed behavior you too failed to understand. It's quite simple here: in the beginning, you tell yourself that you are merely viewing her as a platonic friend, but your behavior increasingly worked to promote deeper emotional connection. And all these behaviors are concealed in name of platonic friendship. You claimed a trait of being a rational person - it kinda affirmed my belief that this 'rationalization, logical, systematic and organized persona' in face of love acts pretty much as a facade in your earlier denial to foster a path towards creating probable relationship with this lady, with or without the consideration her existing boyfriend.
Freud classified it as a form of defensive mechanism. So does Noel Tyl, I believe.
Still considered platonic? Nah. That facade has shattered a million pieces when she revealed a possibility that she might just fall for you. This brought the unconscious desire into light and consciously, your dormant affection begin to multiply like some kind of emotional cancerous cells because there seemed to be reciprocation and it suggested a reduced possibility in being rejected and thus lessen the fear to advance.
There are times when people tell me how 'platonic' it all began and when I read into their personality and attitude, I realized that the concept of platonic friendship can hardly existing into their psychological framework (esp some of the self proclaimed 'nice guys'). It's just doesn't sound convincing because it just doesn't seem to fit and when they relate this as part of the tale, very often, yunhaier dismissed it as mere facade for love to advance undercover.
CloUdiSm states two kind of platonic friendship:
Pseudo-Platonic: natural selection would consider the 'friend' a possibility of a mate. It's often a KIV relationship, potential but not manifesting until an eventful trigger.
True Platonic: BGR will never manifest between the two.
I will quote what you have posted:
[Originally quoted by Clyde1985]: 'Cause I know in the end, she will not leave her bf.'
There... you have your answer on the above classification I have stated.
And next, you have your woman.
She is probably in need of companionship while her boyfriend is away. She is keenly aware of her situation, but has decided that she will not leave her boyfriend during this period. This is critical, because what happens is that it is suggestive of the fact that she would remain faithful unless there are compelling reason for her to deter away.
If a man preoccupied her time and took on 'roles' that her boyfriend would normally do, this substitution is perfect. Because this man fits the exact criteria of what you would deemed as a perfect shelter for the moment. You might create a pull factor, but if there isn't a push factor from within, chances are, your attempt will fail. Yes, there are alternatives to rework this situation, but unless you are really well-versed in AOS or stuff, I reckon don't bother employing more resources to take on something beyond what you can manage.
If you feel ambivalent about mind games and you can't handle such tricks, just quit - you probably regulate your loss more effectively this way. If you find it difficult to face subtle rejection, then it might be somewhat beneficial for you and her to remain separated for a period. It doesn't mean two people who like each other would end up being together as the ultimate acceptance of a relationship is a complex model and isn't as linear as you originally proposed.
P.S: In love, being rational served little purpose - it's all about intrapersonal skills and experience.
Cheers
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your friend is right - no good ending so why torture yourself? plsu think about it, if she really leave her current bf for you, will she not leave you for another guy in the future?
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She just need someone to love and care for her when her bf is in ns.