Nothing to be friends for
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Okay, I have this problem. I have this girl as my friend, she was introduced by someone I know (doesn't matter). and we have been friends for about a year. Basically we met up a few times alone just to stone and have each other's company or meet up to pass each other stuff. mostly was chatting on the phone and smsing. It's been one year. Now this is so not going to turn into the usual "oh now i like her story". but more of, both of us have nothing to be friends for. no common ground, no common topic.
most of the time, we're just talking about ourselves and then the baton passes on. most of the time, we just keep sharing jokes and poking each other and having fun. i have no feeligns for her and neither does she.
so i mean, like recently we found out that our friendship is so called dying due to the lack of common ground, and i hae to bluntly say that both of us lead rather boring, unintersected lifes.. i mean, we both realize that eventually we will drift so far apart that we might not say hi to each other on the street even if we pass by each other.
i enjoy talking to her, enjoy her company. i mean, recently we have been really close, to the extent that we have met to kiss and hug. Yes, it was "just as friends". but however, due to the weirdness of just being friends, we decided to stop. yes, we both enjoyed it.
So as in, she doesn't want to lose me (as a friend), and same applies for me. We decided to 'get together' in hopes that we will like each other. One week passed and now we decided to 'break up' because it was impossible. I mean, I know it myself and she knows it her self. the attraction just isn't there. It has gone up, true, just by being officially together and sending each other sweet sms-es will sorta in a way induce some feelings. however, it's purity is questionable. After one week, we both have slightly a little feeling for each other. However, these feelings are just feelings of enjoying being 'love', bluffing ourselves when we actually just prefer each other as friends.I kind of miss her as a friend. More of, the days when we could just chat and chat and chat. My jokes used to be very effective on her, now she's getting too accustomed to them.
I wonder why. Sometimes isn't it just easier if we both fall for each other. I can't ask why she can't, cause I can't either. It seems like our friendship has reached it's maximum, yet terminal point. -
Sometimes i feel as though my relationship with my gf have reached a stand-still. The passion is still there but the fire is no longer burning as much, that kind of feeling. I attribute this to our busy working schedule, leaving a considerable lesser time to spend with one another. When this happens, i try to come out with something different to spice things up (not kinky stuff ah..), then that feeling naturally goes away.
I don't believe there's such a thing as "maximum" in a relationship, unless the both of you have done every single possible thing humans can do, talked about every single thing which can be said in a conversation. It's only up to you to prevent yourself from feeling this way.
Who says the both of you have got no common grounds together. I see from your post you mentioned that you've hugged and kissed her. Both of you enjoyed it as well. Why not start off something from there.
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maybe becos both of u have known each other as friends and are too comfortable at that status such that its hard or weird to bring it to another level... but then again.. the fact that u guys kiss n hug at friends' level and yet have no feelings for each other appears to be kinda strange.. hmm but i still advice u to follow ur heart la. dun force urself to like somebody when u dont.. make it clear to her n dun give her wrong signals... =)
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You sound like old married couples.
Really old couples.
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not bad not bad..
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i was in a situation like yours..
just stop talking to each other, you'll get over it.
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hey hey... if no common ground can find one...
for example talking bout anime (must watch at different speed to have conversation), games, gossips, events, idea, sports... homework... babes and hunks (like me)...
since u 2 can last for friends for 1 yr and to the stage where u kiss and hug... there should be no problem communicating... human always get closer through communicating...
btw if u 2 have nothing to talk bout, just keep quiet.... sometimes enjoying the silence can be so called the common ground...
IA
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Since you kiss and hug already... why not you ask her if she will be ur gf? Then maye you can be with her lor. I can sense that your relationship is already quite good... so give it a try. Maybe you can develop feelings for her.
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Originally posted by Agenda:
i was in a situation like yours..
just stop talking to each other, you'll get over it.
I agree with Agenda -
i beg to differ.....these are great grounds for a truely plutonic relationship wif some1 of the opposite sex. there's no ulterior motives, no hidden agenda, no expectations. juz the fact that u both know of each other's existence & having an avenue to share your joys, troubles, jokes, etc...is good enuff as grounds for a friendship.....
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i think i actually get you're trying to mean. and yeah, it is possible for 2 people to feel that there's almost nothing to tal about anymore or anything fresh that you both can do w/o feeling that it's a very mundane routine. i also fear that my good friend will feel the same. i'm somewhat in the same situation as you, minus the passinate parts. like when you've become too close to a person, you fear that after a season, there's nothing more interesting about each other that you want to know. and that's when everything turns sour and everyone gets bitter about it.
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sounds like lust.
no feelings, no common ground, no common topic, can hug and kiss.
both of you are just like using each other to release the desires.
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I had a similar experience just recently; we both got to the point it was difficult to go back to the 'plain friends' status and not to give it a try.
We decided to give it a shot then, anyway due to couple reasons which I shall not expound here - we broke up hardly a month since we got together.
From that experience, I'd say that since you guys had your shot and it wasn't working. Be firm and brave enough to do what you should, get the drift?
At the end of day, if something is meant to happen, it will happen. Likewise, if it's not 'destined' (I used the word 'destined' for the lack of better word), then no amount of coercing/manipulating would help.
Go back to plain friends, keep things simple, keep an open heart... And learn to take things as they come..
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You have been good friends for a long time now , just stay as friends before things get too complicated.
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Originally posted by Scape_Goat_Token:
Okay, I have this problem. I have this girl as my friend, she was introduced by someone I know (doesn't matter). and we have been friends for about a year. Basically we met up a few times alone just to stone and have each other's company or meet up to pass each other stuff. mostly was chatting on the phone and smsing. It's been one year. Now this is so not going to turn into the usual "oh now i like her story". but more of, both of us have nothing to be friends for. no common ground, no common topic.
most of the time, we're just talking about ourselves and then the baton passes on. most of the time, we just keep sharing jokes and poking each other and having fun. i have no feeligns for her and neither does she.
so i mean, like recently we found out that our friendship is so called dying due to the lack of common ground, and i hae to bluntly say that both of us lead rather boring, unintersected lifes.. i mean, we both realize that eventually we will drift so far apart that we might not say hi to each other on the street even if we pass by each other.
i enjoy talking to her, enjoy her company. i mean, recently we have been really close, to the extent that we have met to kiss and hug. Yes, it was "just as friends". but however, due to the weirdness of just being friends, we decided to stop. yes, we both enjoyed it.
So as in, she doesn't want to lose me (as a friend), and same applies for me. We decided to 'get together' in hopes that we will like each other. One week passed and now we decided to 'break up' because it was impossible. I mean, I know it myself and she knows it her self. the attraction just isn't there. It has gone up, true, just by being officially together and sending each other sweet sms-es will sorta in a way induce some feelings. however, it's purity is questionable. After one week, we both have slightly a little feeling for each other. However, these feelings are just feelings of enjoying being 'love', bluffing ourselves when we actually just prefer each other as friends.I kind of miss her as a friend. More of, the days when we could just chat and chat and chat. My jokes used to be very effective on her, now she's getting too accustomed to them.
I wonder why. Sometimes isn't it just easier if we both fall for each other. I can't ask why she can't, cause I can't either. It seems like our friendship has reached it's maximum, yet terminal point.You sure you don't like her? OR You are afraid of admitting you like her?
If you don't like her, you wouldn't be so worried about losing her, cos she would be just like one of your normal friends. You won't be that upset and disappointed if your other friends lose contact with you for a period of time. Unless you tell me you're a possessive friend to all your friends, then you don't need to come here and post cos you would need to seek a mental doctor. Anyway, you're smart enough to post it here, means you do not need to seek medical assistance.
Either way, admit it...you do like her...and you like her alot. But I would rather hear it coming from you than from my own post.
Hehehe....if you really want to preserve this friendship with her, then you don't have to do anything special to preserve the friendship. The truth is, real friends don't have to put on a good show of friendship to one another. They pick up their friendship from where they left it previously. You don't have to always amuse your friend in order to convince yourself that you have succeeded in making her think well of you in her friendlist. -> That is terribly irritating you know?
You may be trying your best to make her fall in love with you by being a close friend to her, but if you are a MAN, you should have come clean with your feelings for her and tell her how important she is to you in your life. Do not hide behind the shield of friendship for fear of rejection. If you're not MAN enough to be honest to her, then there is no reason for her to have any confidence to even allow you to exist in her future. GOD knows what you want from her and what you were really after? -> That's quite sneaky you know?
Frankly speaking, if your intentions to form a platonic friendship with her were PURE. Then you won't have any worries cos your conscience would be clear and empty.
You know that you have lost your opportunity to convince her to remain as your friend right? I'm not her so I won't be able to tell you if she is willing to resume this friendship with you again. But you would be able to start by being HONEST with her, and see what she thinks. Give her time to digest your honesty.
Your friendship with her did not reached it's maximum, yet terminal point. It has died long before you realised it when you failed to give this friendship a purpose to live on.
In any relationship, adopting a passive approach isn't going help in the growth the relationship. It's same as running a business, you can't just sit and wait for customers to flood you with businesses. Be proactive, be passionate about the friendship with your friend if you do not want your relationship with her to freeze in time. You reap what you sow, how desperate you need her in your life will serve as a buring point for you to like/love(SERVE) her better.
You will understand her better if you look at yourself from her perspective.
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Let's get this straight. I do not like her. I mean, like in that week, I had to kinda like "force" myself to sms her, and stuff. I felt quite sian, honestly.
I thought over it last night. I mean, like sometimes, I do recall our conversations, I can repeat everything in my head, as if hearing ourselves talking. I mean, I guess it's some sort of emotional attachment, which is fundamentally very different from love. I don't like her. And even if I do, it's only as friends..I'm usually quite honest with myself. When I like a person, more often than not I will admit it to myself and I am usually the first to realize.
The problem lies within the fact that we're close friends, but there's nothing for us to identify with as close friends. There is also a certain level of intimacy, which kind of leads to rather "deceptive" feelings. I know, sometimes, there's this pulse of whatever you call that feeling, then another moment after some introspection I will realize that it's just my body playing tricks on mef. There was lust, but no love.
I've been in a relationship before, I've seriously loved before. I mean, that's why I probably could feel the big big difference. Even if I did have feelings, it's like so minimal that it is negligible. (and most of it contributes to that intimacy and lust).
Everything was platonic from the start, and all the way. Only the questionable nature of plationic relationship starts to set in after some time. I think probably it reached a point where both of us starts to wonder if we can possibly like each other. I clearly don't, have tried and have the "will never ever" feeling.She did not cease the friendship, Neither did I. it was more of a transition from close friend, gradually to a normal friend, than to a stranger. And due to the nature that we were friends basically with no relations (totally different backgrounds), I guess we will eventually drift of from there to be complete strangers. It doesn't really matter much after sometime, but I guess because at that current point of time we were so close, and it's depressing to imagine that. I mean it's more of "breaking up" from close friends.
I wasn't really affected. But I probably seeking some opinions because I never encountered anything like this before. I think this situation feels weird. I mean, it's not like I'm in agony. I'm still calm and joyful.
I feel as if I have dedicated one post to defending myself. Not that I'm getting hyped up and defensive. just to clarify some stuff. -
The time, moments, memories which both of you spent together is strong enough to be the common ground for both of you to remain as close friends.
If you felt that both of you are drifting away from each other, then there is an unresolved misunderstanding still existing between the both of you. Something is preventing her from having you in her future and it is definitely not having enough common ground.
If not having a common ground is her excuse for pulling away from this friendship with you, what do you think would be the real reason for pulling away from you?
Something must have happened, something you failed to notice or something you cannot remember?
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bang her then you two have something in common to talk about
pls dont misunderstand that i am asking you to have an emotional relationship with her as you aready said you two are not interested in each other
just bang her to get pure physical satisfaction
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u 2 have been together so long that the novelty wears off
for now just stay apart, no need to force yrself to find back the friendship feeling.
meet new friends, do new stuff, but keep in contact once in a while
u 2 are not attached anyway, don't need to worry about losing friendship.
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dun care abt her first.... after awhile u guys will have something to talk about
as in like wad happen during the period u all never meet like that lor