Need some help on a trust issue with gf!
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Hello Everyone. i would like to hear your opinions and advice on this issue. I have been with my gf for around 4 mths before i have to embark on a overseas work attachment trip to China for 6 months. Even in singapore i feel that i cannot fully trust my gf due to the fact that she likes to club and she cannot control her drinking properly. She is naturally a friendly person and i know many guys will like to take advantage of that such as a few cases where guys such as her friends or her juniors will invite her to go to their rooms to "share" aircon or just hang out.
Personally i have never been this suspicious of my past gfs but somehow i feel that i cannot fully trust my gf right now. I was quite ok until the first time she went clubbing after being with me and she got seriously drunk and i had to go down to bring her back because her friends called me to go down instead of bringing her back themselves. They went back clubbing while i waited with her until she could semi stand and i helped her back. That was a pretty terrible trust breaker for me when i saw how badly she could get drunk as she can't control. Anyone could have taken advantage of her then.
The second time i let her go she was supposed to msg me when she got back but she forgot and msged me when she woke up instead. She was unable to remember that i called her at 4am just before she slept and due to a bit of snooping around that i made. I found a entry that she made on her computer in the form of a personal diary that she posts somewhere that she was actually unable to remember much just that she was running around alot and she might have hugged her friend and put her on her friend's shoulder in the cab.
Actually, i've been very skeptical of her since the first incident and after observing the way she behaves so i gauge her character from that. She is a pretty decent gf as she is willing to set aside time for me and she bothered to buy me a wallet etc and some game thing i wanted even though she doesn't have much cash left as we are both students. I know she sacrificed abit of the cash she was going to use on her online shopping as she loves clothes. She bothered to pick me up after my temp job almost everyday from the mrt near our area and eat supper and hang out with me.
I believe that she does NOT have the intention to cheat normally but as of now, i am overseas and unable to be with her. To top it off, i try not to restrict her from clubbing and just instruct her to drop me a msg when she returns home or else things will get very bad which is the best i can do to assauge my fears. However, i somehow have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she is going to do something to cheat on me and it is KILLING me.
I do not want to give her up as i feel that she is worth keeping but this constant fear that i have is really eating into me.
I would appreciate any advice and insights to help me see things differently.
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let's be brutally frank..
she's not mature enough to sort out her own actions, you think for one moment she's mature enough to be in a meaningful relationship?
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she has to learn to control herself on how much she drinks.. clubbing and drinking is fine, but till the extent where she just blacks out is a no-no for any girls out there..
why don't you accompany her whenever she goes clubbing? that way you can take care of her even if anything happens ma.. btw when will you be going for your work attachment?
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did she ask you to be a good boy in china and not be sucked in by the XMMs there ? ....
if the answer is no .... don't you think she's trying to tell you something ? ...
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Trust and communication, the fundaments of all relationships; if they're lacking in yours, then it's doomed to be screwed.
VPersonally, I think the possibilities of her cheating on you is pretty low (Take my deduction with a pinch of salt, it was based on the limited information of your babe). Though, the odds of her being taken advantage of (when she's drunk and high, remains very high.
There are several issues you must deal with; the first being your own fear and insecurity. You have got to assure yourself, instead of allowing that fear to eat into your relationship. Yes, you heard me right - she hasn't been cheating, nor done things against you. So get rid of your mental specter first!
Then, it'd time to communicate your thoughts with her (gently and sensitively, of course) - let her know your worries and concerns. And strive to resolve this problem together, there're many possible solutions like, e.g. her cutting down on the drinks or getting a mutual friend you both trust to club with her. I trust you to work that out with her. Also, it's very commendable of you not to restrict her partying life :) So keep it up there.
Lastly, stay away from her personal diary :D You really want to respect a woman's privacy :D If you want to know something, just ask directly... Chances are, if a woman love you enough, she would tell you more than what she would write in a diary :D
Good luck, amigo! Be wise and mature!
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talk to her.
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i am already in china. and i do not know any of her mutual partying friends. sigh..
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u dunnoe know her friends but u know ur gf rite?
tell her how u feel lah... duuuhhh....
kpkb in sgf and not communicating with her won't help ur r/s...
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i already did. Many times. She has agreed to stop clubbing but i know she likes it very much and she likes drinking so i do not want to restrict her. I made her promise to sms me before she goes and to sms me when she returns back safely and i told her to cut down on her drinking. That's the best i can do. i already said it in my long post... i told her how i feel already but that doesn't stop me from feeling like shit still what..
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Bed her first
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She is like my gf loh...also love to club alot....basically in any relationship...trust is very important....it is pointless if u stop her from clubbing...end of the day important is to trust her to do the right thing.....last time i even told my gf that....oh i do trust u...but it is the guys i dun trust....lol...end of the day...u just have to trust her that she is old enough to take care of herself...remember dun do spot check or stop her......if u are not able to give her 110% trust no point continuing the relationship....either u trust her or just move on with ur life lol.....remember dun stop her from clubbing...give her ur blessing in watever she do...if u restrict her...one day she will turn away from u lol...if she want to stop clubbing..it would be her choice and not yours....
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you can trust her, but can you trust her friends or strangers not to take advantage of her when she's drunk? i think the main concern here is that TS worries she'll be taken advantage of when drunk..
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max i said the exact same thing. i understand that i just have to trust. nothing more i can do. if she cheat and want to hide i also won't know. being overseas right now is very bad for me..
I guess i just posted to see anyone who has similar experiences.. i wonder if anyone managed to numb himself..
Yes. i don't trust her friends. Some of them are really like just acquaintainces like people she knows from whosgoing.sg. If she just went with her good friends or the same group i would feel slightly better..
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Originally posted by Gloopse:
max i said the exact same thing. i understand that i just have to trust. nothing more i can do. if she cheat and want to hide i also won't know. being overseas right now is very bad for me..
I guess i just posted to see anyone who has similar experiences.. i wonder if anyone managed to numb himself..
Yes. i don't trust her friends. Some of them are really like just acquaintainces like people she knows from whosgoing.sg. If she just went with her good friends or the same group i would feel slightly better..
It is not a matter of trust or not.
She party and drink till she totally knock out. Is that the type of irresponsible girl you want to spend your life with ?
She does not care about herself and her body....!!! So if she get bedded by someone after she drunk - it is ok - as it is not call cheating, as she is not responsible ? but then she is still responsible for getting drunk !!! Take 2 hands to clap.Frankly after a few drinks - every tom and dick look handsome !!!
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double post.
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wow stalker ts
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it's all about investment, wan to invest yr energy in it and risk losing everything or u wan to risk for a better future. u decide
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don't need to snoop on her like FBI. trust is needed for a r/s.
I am away for 9 out of 12 months a year and i trust my gf to stay loyal.
if she cheats on you during that time, then she's not the one lor. find a better girl.
but just trust her la. if really cannot trust her then forget it. find another girl who doesnt club and give you a headache. cos you knew she was like this before you got together with her. dont expect her to change overnight.
she sounds like a nice girl and that she loves you a lot. good luck! =)
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i think you need to take time to cool off your affections for her. you don't want to chase her away by being too controlling and 'gan jiong' right? That ending is worst than your current state.
look around you, don't have better gals meh??
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I understand how u feel Gloopse....u trust her...but dun trust the ppl around her when she goes clubbing...this was exactly wat i experience last time....the exact same thing....i keep telling her i have full trust in her...but not the ppl around her or those ppl who try to get fresh with her in the club....but in the end i learn one thing....u either have to trust her to make the right choice or u just have to move on....she is old enough....if she were to get rape or anything just because her friends fail to protect her...she have to bear part of the responsibility.....there is nothing u can do....if clubbing is wat she love...even if u stop her now...she will go back to it eventually....just let her go clubbing or just move on to another girl...if things were meant to happen when she go clubbing...nothing u can do will prevent it....it is definitely better than her going clubbing behind ur back...and u having to spot check on her now and then...will be very tiring for both of ur relationship....dun forget u are overseas now...if she really want to go clubbing behind ur back...it would be very easy to do it.....i am sure u wun want to worry about having to worry about ur work and this relationship at the same time.....so u either accept it and see how it goes or if u really beh tarhan u will have to move on....
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u going to be in China for 6 months? Gd luck man, maybe u'll be the one who stray first...
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Originally posted by Chyeo1979:
u going to be in China for 6 months? Gd luck man, maybe u'll be the one who stray first...
i wanted to say tisbtw TS, no trust = no love.
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I seriously understand how you feels. Perhaps, i felt the same way as you before not because my girlfriend's like yours but because i think i'm abit wrong up in my mind. Nevertheless, i learnt that key trust and stuff is the most important. Having said that, i'm sure your girlfriend won't cheat on you intentionally, but it seems that she doesn't know how to protect herself by getting herself drunk like some dead pig and not knowing what's going on the next moment.
Seriously, nobody can helped her, not even you nor her parents if she continues her weird havoc night lifestyle. Of course, it's hard for her to convince you unless she can truly do so. But are you just going to stop her? I'm sure you wouldn't because it's something you think she likes to do.
Having said all that, have you ever mentioned or voice out your concerns to her? If you did, then if she's still making things go her way, seriously, consider this relationship, it might not work out. If she truly loves you, she'll understand and try improving on her lifestyle. If you haven't voice out, now's the time...
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when people get drunk they get scared of the alcohol taste but your gf seems to love the feeling of getting drunk doesn't she
she really have to mature up and straighten out her thoughts.
don't really have enough money but always have money to club
is she really willing to put down commitment into the r/s?
i know you're playing nice guy by letting her club and all but it isn't doing both of you any good is it?
she gets drunk, you get worried
you should tell her nicely that there are many other ways to socialise besides clubbing and that you don't really like that fact tt she clubs and gets drunk. she doesn't seem to be even responsible enough to take care of herself
is she the one who ask her friends to club or her friends ask her
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i think ladies would not have much problem getting free drinks.. especially with "friends" like hers, more than willing to spend a few bucks to get her drunk..