Handling a breakup
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Hi..I'm 28 this year. I've been through many past relationships but never had once, fell in love so deeply before. She'd said I was the one she loved and wanted to marry, and I believed her.
However, she left me a month ago, ending a three year relationship. She’s more than just a great girl, someone whom I wish to spend my lifetime with. Naturally, I became rather crazy and started texting, emailing, and calling her repeatedly, to the extent I even went to her place, with hopes I can meet her. I began glorifying the relationship, desperately promising to change and ignoring the real problems that led to the break up. After a long struggle resulting in more hurt, I decided to let go. I’m determined to piece my life back together.
One week after the breakup, she told me that she's seeing someone else. I was devastated but there's nothing I can do. It may be because of this guy that we broke up, and I can't stop thinking about her every minute. I tried to concentrate on my work and kept myself busy but it doesn't seem to alleviate the hurt.
I did what most suggested, to go out more and know new people, spend time with family and friends etc. but at this age, my social circle is shrinking and at times, I still felt lonely among friends. I've considered dating someone else to forget the past but it'd be unfair to her as I still can't forget my ex. Inside me, I felt that there's still a chance for both of us to get back together. What should I do?
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Sorry to hear, just give yourself time. Learn from this relationship, move on and try meet another girl when you're ready, Good luck
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Welcome to the club. Experiencing a break up is very personal and intense one, *pats*
Just make up your mind about her and roll with it.
Either get over her or win her back, sounds like you want her back (very risky but what the hell) so here goes:
Chances are, it wasn't easy for her to walk away from this relationship.
It has only been a month so just take it easy for now, enjoy your singlehood, savour the change in pace. Very easy to stay friends with women after break up de, especially if they initiated (feel guilty for dumping the man) the break.
Tell her you want to be mates with her, keep it light and simple. Tell her to intro you any hot women she knows. Then rebuild your own social life, let her know that you are still a man in demand.
4 months later, by the time you realise you're still in demand and you still want her back, try getting back with her again.
Good things come to those who wait.
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3 years, and she can just let go. i know it is very sad for you. you will get over it. she not worth your time spend thinking about the past.
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Originally posted by soleachip:
Welcome to the club. Experiencing a break up is very personal and intense one, *pats*
Just make up your mind about her and roll with it.
Either get over her or win her back, sounds like you want her back (very risky but what the hell) so here goes:
Chances are, it wasn't easy for her to walk away from this relationship.
It has only been a month so just take it easy for now, enjoy your singlehood, savour the change in pace. Very easy to stay friends with women after break up de, especially if they initiated (feel guilty for dumping the man) the break.
Tell her you want to be mates with her, keep it light and simple. Tell her to intro you any hot women she knows. Then rebuild your own social life, let her know that you are still a man in demand.
4 months later, by the time you realise you're still in demand and you still want her back, try getting back with her again.
Good things come to those who wait.
i dont understand what you mean. the girl is the one who initiated the breakup, not TS. no point holding to a person who can let go 3 years of relationship, and has another one within a week of breakup. you are suggesting TS should woo her back? unbelievable! -
Originally posted by jacqn:
i dont understand what you mean. the girl is the one who initiated the breakup, not TS. no point holding to a person who can let go 3 years of relationship, and has another one within a week of breakup. you are suggesting TS should woo her back? unbelievable!
True, getting dumped is painful and more often than not, dumpee is probably better off doing without dumper.
But since IR believes (very powerful word hor) there is chance for reconciliation, then it's not something I will debunk and argue about. There are ways to win an ex back so why not give it a shot? When you've got nothing, there's nothing to lose mah.
When you've invested emotions and time into a relationship and it ends, things are never easy. Save for false bravado.
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I agree, 3 years is a long time. I was with her since 24. We had plenty of happy times together..talking about our future, going on overseas vacations at least twice a year. Perhaps, I got too comfortable in the relationship that I took her for granted at times. She's a good girl, and I never suspected that she'd see someone else behind my back.
I once told her I just want her to be happy in the relationship. That's the reason she'd used to break up, that she's no longer happy with me. I cannot bring myself to hate her, but I can't understand how she can be indifferent to me suddenly, forgetting about all our past, our promises.
I've exhausted all efforts to get her back, tried plenty of suggestions from those relationship sites..and it doesn't seem to work. I hope that is still a chance for us to get back together, and hope is all I have.
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She left you for another guy , why go back to her and suffer more pain ? .
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Give yourself some time and give her some time as well. Think through about it again and get in touch with your inner self. He will tell u the answer
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Hope sounds like dirty comfort to me. It takes time to lose the illusion she will come back. Dude while you're at it, go buy yourself a nice big present and celebrate your singlehood for now lah. Get a new car, new computer, Xbox, new camera, travel, kickboxing, learn mountaineering, cut your heavy heart some slack.
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"Time" will heal everytink..
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Originally posted by IR:
I agree, 3 years is a long time. I was with her since 24. We had plenty of happy times together..talking about our future, going on overseas vacations at least twice a year. Perhaps, I got too comfortable in the relationship that I took her for granted at times. She's a good girl, and I never suspected that she'd see someone else behind my back.
I once told her I just want her to be happy in the relationship. That's the reason she'd used to break up, that she's no longer happy with me. I cannot bring myself to hate her, but I can't understand how she can be indifferent to me suddenly, forgetting about all our past, our promises.
I've exhausted all efforts to get her back, tried plenty of suggestions from those relationship sites..and it doesn't seem to work. I hope that is still a chance for us to get back together, and hope is all I have.
"I began glorifying the relationship, desperately promising to change and ignoring the real problems that led to the break up."
What is the problem that makes her unhappy with u? So can u learn something from this past r/s and promise better for the next one?
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The problem is, I got too comfortable in the relationship.
I read an article the other day, stating how guys and girls award points to each other in a relationship. It is true for me, so I thought I could share this.
For a girl, anything positive a guy does, regardless of how big or small, is awarded +1 point. (Hugging her and saying "I love you" = +1 pt, buying her a new iPod for her birthday = +1pt)
On the other hand, for guys, big things that she does is normally awarded more points, whereas smaller things are awarded less. (E.g. buying a PSP for him = +5 pts, whereas calling him and say "I miss you" = +1 pt.)
So in the end, the guy might think that he has done a lot for her but never knew he did not accumulate that many points. While the girl felt that she wasn't appreciated because he isn't very consistent.
Hmm...I felt like I'm in this situation right now :(
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Originally posted by IR:
The problem is, I got too comfortable in the relationship.
I read an article the other day, stating how guys and girls award points to each other in a relationship. It is true for me, so I thought I could share this.
For a girl, anything positive a guy does, regardless of how big or small, is awarded +1 point. (Hugging her and saying "I love you" = +1 pt, buying her a new iPod for her birthday = +1pt)
On the other hand, for guys, big things that she does is normally awarded more points, whereas smaller things are awarded less. (E.g. buying a PSP for him = +5 pts, whereas calling him and say "I miss you" = +1 pt.)
So in the end, the guy might think that he has done a lot for her but never knew he did not accumulate that many points. While the girl felt that she wasn't appreciated because he isn't very consistent.
Hmm...I felt like I'm in this situation right now :(
woah! im shocked by the points system, so unfair!
so i shall say its not true! if i do a big thing for her, she appreciates it very much and award higher points too.
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Guys... The best way to handle any relationship is to be confident and always believe that u are the PRIZE. let her go after u instead of the other way round . Don't ever buy her gifts except on special occasions . Trust me it works . When girls get too comfortable and thinks u are easy catch who will always buy things for her ... then ur relationship is DOOMED . YOU are the PRIZE . NOT her......
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Originally posted by DiabloX:
Guys... The best way to handle any relationship is to be confident and always believe that u are the PRIZE. let her go after u instead of the other way round . Don't ever buy her gifts except on special occasions . Trust me it works . When girls get too comfortable and thinks u are easy catch who will always buy things for her ... then ur relationship is DOOMED . YOU are the PRIZE . NOT her......
nice haha
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Originally posted by IR:
I agree, 3 years is a long time. I was with her since 24. We had plenty of happy times together..talking about our future, going on overseas vacations at least twice a year. Perhaps, I got too comfortable in the relationship that I took her for granted at times. She's a good girl, and I never suspected that she'd see someone else behind my back.
I once told her I just want her to be happy in the relationship. That's the reason she'd used to break up, that she's no longer happy with me. I cannot bring myself to hate her, but I can't understand how she can be indifferent to me suddenly, forgetting about all our past, our promises.
I've exhausted all efforts to get her back, tried plenty of suggestions from those relationship sites..and it doesn't seem to work. I hope that is still a chance for us to get back together, and hope is all I have.
I never thought that girls can be so heartless too but seems that it's both ways, it depends on the person themselves.
Me too don understand why someone can say change and immediately change. Change of heart and behavior everything.
I read this somewhere : when that person loves you that person cannot act like he doesn't love you and if that person no longer love you neither can that person act like he still loves you.
So if they can change like that i guess their heart have change too.
Jia you.
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Actually, I don't think anyone can have a change of heart overnight. It could be a lack of communication between both parties and they grew apart. When that happens, one partly may innocently think that the relationship is stable while the other feels that they have distanced. Eventually, the latter would want to get out of the relationship.
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We actually had our little book of secrets. The book was my 24th birthday present, and she recorded all the beautiful memories, photos etc. that we had together. Over the past 3 years, when we have want to express our deep feelings, we'd write it in there.
Although we often talk about such things openly, we still write to each other in the book. Just 2 months before the breakup, her last entry said something along the lines that how fortunate she was to have me and would never want to lose me. Then, things just changed suddenly. She went out more often with her friends for shopping and movies, and I didn't question her because I respected her need for personal space. We did not even quarrel or have any disagreements leading to the breakup.
The last I met her was in Lido, where I accompanied her for dinner. I suggested to watch a movie but she said she was tired. After sending her off, she smsed me that we need a break from each other...*sigh*
Julyn, I'm sorry to hear that we're in the same plight. I am trying hard not to think about her but often, I find myself still visiting her friendster site. However, she did not remove our pictures...which left me confused. Well, I sincerely hope that you'll forget your past and find a man you love, that deserves you.
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Originally posted by IR:
We actually had our little book of secrets. The book was my 24th birthday present, and she recorded all the beautiful memories, photos etc. that we had together. Over the past 3 years, when we have want to express our deep feelings, we'd write it in there.
Although we often talk about such things openly, we still write to each other in the book. Just 2 months before the breakup, her last entry said something along the lines that how fortunate she was to have me and would never want to lose me. Then, things just changed suddenly. She went out more often with her friends for shopping and movies, and I didn't question her because I respected her need for personal space. We did not even quarrel or have any disagreements leading to the breakup.
The last I met her was in Lido, where I accompanied her for dinner. I suggested to watch a movie but she said she was tired. After sending her off, she smsed me that we need a break from each other...*sigh*
Julyn, I'm sorry to hear that we're in the same plight. I am trying hard not to think about her but often, I find myself still visiting her friendster site. However, she did not remove our pictures...which left me confused. Well, I sincerely hope that you'll forget your past and find a man you love, that deserves you.
Erm it's a matter of time that she will remove i guess.
He did not remove and did not want to remove all our photos from his friendster when we first break off too. He was even still carrying my photo in his wallet and hanging our photo keychain on his key when he was already with the gal. The reason was that is his only memories left of us. Sounds rubbish huh. He even claim that the gal doesnt mind at all. Well tell me which gal or guy wouldn't mind? I just don understand.
As months move on understand my request, he have removed everything. I do not like the fact of him loaded the gals photos with him and still keep mine.
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Originally posted by IR:
The problem is, I got too comfortable in the relationship.
I read an article the other day, stating how guys and girls award points to each other in a relationship. It is true for me, so I thought I could share this.
For a girl, anything positive a guy does, regardless of how big or small, is awarded +1 point. (Hugging her and saying "I love you" = +1 pt, buying her a new iPod for her birthday = +1pt)
On the other hand, for guys, big things that she does is normally awarded more points, whereas smaller things are awarded less. (E.g. buying a PSP for him = +5 pts, whereas calling him and say "I miss you" = +1 pt.)
So in the end, the guy might think that he has done a lot for her but never knew he did not accumulate that many points. While the girl felt that she wasn't appreciated because he isn't very consistent.
Hmm...I felt like I'm in this situation right now :(
Here's a piece of advice a dating site will not tell you.
It's not too much about how many points you accumulate.
It's not too much about communication either.
Little girls always wonder who their husbands will be, who they will end up with.
Little girls are told since they are young,
"You must kiss many frogs to find a prince."
Which is what she is doing now. And how can you blame her if you are not the one?
The problem with a lot of men in general is that we believe,
"By kissing this frog a few thousand times, she will eventually turn out to be the princess"
Sad but true, a lot of men does not test out the frog but marries the frog thinking she will eventually
turns out to be the princess.
Why do you still hope?
Why can't you see what she has already realised? If she is not the one, a frog remains a frog!
Don't take this as a failure in your life.
This is a chance for you to reverse everything.
It's ultimately about finding someone who you truly love and who loves you back.
Your goal should be to kiss more frogs instead of getting her back. -
Originally posted by curiousOrange:
Your goal should be to kiss more frogs instead of getting her back.Not frog.
Toad. Or lobster.
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OMG you are in the same situation as me! juz that i am a gal and my bf is the one seeing someone after 3 years of dating =( he is nice guy that i took him for granted... juz broke up 2 weeks ago... =(
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Success is commemorated. Failure is merely remembered.
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I too think it is a matter of time... Right now, just concentrate and tell yourself you'll be fine. Seriously, dude it's only a girl! Right?