need some opinons
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hi i would like to ask for some opinions and advice?
my girlfriend she is a very friendly and socialble person, sometimes with our group of friends she's outgoing to a point where she would play with the guys like tickling and playful touching them.i know she dosent have any intentions but there is one mutual friend with ours she had a fling with last time (before we got together) she is particularly very friendly with him. and well.... touchy.. .. i get insecure.
honestly i am confused, i really am. i really don't want her to change because of my jealous insecurities
but on the other hand i do feel insecure.
i have talked to her and expressed this to her. but i know she can't really register.. because well she's kinda the type in one ear out the other and she kinda gets lost i the moment of fun.
so firstly i want to ask if from a third person's opinion, am i being overly jealous?
i told her about this and had a long talk and said that i would try to prevent and control these thoughts. or get used to it...... because the truth is this is her personality.
and i love her for being herself, and expecting her to change seems contradictory to me.
but im confused by my emotions and my head.
help?
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get touchy touchy with ur female friends in her presence...
then she fight, say u can i cannot ar... -
Originally posted by Nuad:
hi i would like to ask for some opinions and advice?
my girlfriend she is a very friendly and socialble person, sometimes with our group of friends she's outgoing to a point where she would play with the guys like tickling and playful touching them.i know she dosent have any intentions but there is one mutual friend with ours she had a fling with last time (before we got together) she is particularly very friendly with him. and well.... touchy.. .. i get insecure.
honestly i am confused, i really am. i really don't want her to change because of my jealous insecurities
but on the other hand i do feel insecure.
i have talked to her and expressed this to her. but i know she can't really register.. because well she's kinda the type in one ear out the other and she kinda gets lost i the moment of fun.
so firstly i want to ask if from a third person's opinion, am i being overly jealous?
i told her about this and had a long talk and said that i would try to prevent and control these thoughts. or get used to it...... because the truth is this is her personality.
and i love her for being herself, and expecting her to change seems contradictory to me.
but im confused by my emotions and my head.
help?
I think this is very much because she's still young and immature. For most mature adults (in general), when they are in a relationship, they would know when to draw a line and would know better not to do anything disrepectful to their partners.
If you feel uncomfortable about the issues, just talk to her about it. I am not asking you to tell her off since I don't think she is doing it intentionally to hurt you. Try to reason with her and help her to look at it in different viewpoint like how she would feel if it's the other way around.
All the best!
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ya lor... she how old...? u how old...?
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ssss
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i would advice u to look for a gf that are stable, mature and have a sense of responsibility. This rule apply to making friend also, look at the person charactor and ask yourself is this person worth to be a friend.
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Originally posted by Rednano:
ya lor... she how old...? u how old...?
i don't think age cross relates to maturity. sometimes it does most times, it doesn't.
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it is right to feel what you feel, and given U two are in a r/s, there should be trust but importantly, respect.
fun is okay, but there is still a limit. For me, I cut short at bodily for as a guy, I do feel that if a gal starts to touch, it may leads to other thoughts swiftly.
so do tell your gal, this is a "no-no" zone.
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Nuad,
You gota stop letting your gf walk all over you.
She is an attention seeker. Perhaps you have not paid her enough attention.. therefore she seeks to fill this void from other men.
She can allow other men to get touchy and physical with her.
But other men are disrespecting YOU when they touch your gf.
If I am you.. I would tell the guy off the next time he touch your gf again. Simply ask him.. would you like me to do the same to your gf ?
If your gf protest.. you should just tell her " If you like that guy to touch you so much.. you can go be HIS gf."
As a man.. you need to start behaving like one.. if not.. women will treat you like a fellow woman.
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she went over the limit actualy
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hi Nuad,
for a relationship to last, both partners need to respect each other and behave appropriately.
a woman who becomes touchy easily with other men, may also be cheated easily.
to most men, such a woman does not offer a sense of security.
therefore, your feeling of insecurity is natural.
two options are available for you.
1) if you find this woman is the one for you and is teachable, try your best to educate her on proper behaviour.
2) dump her and look for someone else, if she's incorrigible, to avoid future problems, especially after marraige.
all the best! :)
wil
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Nuad,
If you think of change a girl character, stop thinking that. It is as same as a girl think of changing a guy if they get marry or together.
If you can accept her as what it is now, then you continue your relationship.
If you cannot accept her behaviour, than advice you to break off and find a new one. (As Arieswilson say, that is to avoid future problems)
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I think that that girl is testing your patience.. But I think her behaviour can be change.
She maybe a bit insecurity too.. Just tell her you dun like her behaviour and whether she can change.
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sssdd
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if she can get 'carried away' in a moment of fun like that, she can can 'carried away' in all kinds of other moments also.
think about that ya ?
do you wanna commit to it ?
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i thin talk to her abt it ba. she seems to be ignorant in where to draw the line. ur not being overly jealous. if she still do not listen to you and show no change in her behavior. this is not abt changing her to suit your needs but something she need to learn on where to draw the line in friendships ba.
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Originally posted by Nuad:
my girlfriend she is a very friendly and socialble person, sometimes with our group of friends she's outgoing to a point where she would play with the guys like tickling and playful touching them.
i know she dosent have any intentions but there is one mutual friend with ours she had a fling with last time (before we got together) she is particularly very friendly with him. and well.... touchy.. .. i get insecure.
honestly i am confused, i really am. i really don't want her to change because of my jealous insecurities
but on the other hand i do feel insecure.
i have talked to her and expressed this to her. but i know she can't really register.. because well she's kinda the type in one ear out the other and she kinda gets lost i the moment of fun.
so firstly i want to ask if from a third person's opinion, am i being overly jealous?
i told her about this and had a long talk and said that i would try to prevent and control these thoughts. or get used to it...... because the truth is this is her personality.
and i love her for being herself, and expecting her to change seems contradictory to me.
but im confused by my emotions and my head.
help?
I sincerely do think that there is really some conflict going on here, or as you have put it, "contradictory".
May I guess that you are the opposite of your girlfriend's personality, and because she was so different from you, perhaps may I presumptuously presume, the part of you that yearns to be so carefree too, that you were attracted to her?
This has nothing to do with the so call "opposite attracts" for those are based on healthy complementary differences, not based on insecurity or "jealousy".
There is nothing wrong with you. You were just not comfortable with your girlfriend's "outgoing" behaviour to the boys and like what one forumnite said, I do not think those guys are being respectful to you or your girlfriend either when they are so-called "being playful" with her.
You said you had a long talk with her. Yet you also expect to be turned a deaf ear upon. The word is "expected". Why?
That is why I said "opposite attracts" and this "opposite" is not a good sign unlike those based on healthy complementary differences e.g.--> This is unlike she is into sports and you are into plants.
First, there seems to be a huge disregard of respect, from what you have written, from your girlfriend's side.
Can a relationship work without respect inspite of her "she kinda gets lost in the moment of fun" & "i know she dosent have any intentions"? Are those really good excuses?
Back to the part where you said you expected her to turn a deaf ear to you. Why are you letting her do that? Why do you allow someone especially your significant other, who should of all people, pay the most attention and respect to you, disrespect you this way? Why are you helping her to find excuses already (ref: "i know she can't really register.. because well she's kinda the type in one ear out the other and she kinda gets lost i the moment of fun.") and in a way expect to be walked all over by her?
In my opinion, work on your own issues first before you truly plunged into a relationship. Be truthful to yourself, your own feelings. Right now your own feelings is telling you that you are uncomfortable with this situation. Are you going to disregard it again and sweep it all under the rug only to be nudged time and time again by this uncomfortable feeling? Respect yourself and others will respect you. It is because (perhaps since growing up, people around you have been putting you down) that you are used to disregarding yourself that you have perhaps walked into this relationship without even realizing whether it is healthy or not for you.
Maybe it is a lot of work for you to do, but may I suggest that you write down what kind of qualities are you looking for in a girlfriend and what kind of girls in reality have you been attracted to? Compare the qualities in this 2 columns, are they in conflict? How do you think you are able to match both of them? You need some quiet time for this and a whole lot of thinking for yourself, what you want in your life and the quality of your partner. Especially pertaining to your significant other, this is not a matter to be "qing cai" or "anyhow" about.
I am going to be very presumptous here again, but I just want to say, we may not be able to choose our family, but we sure can choose the good friends we want to surround ourselves with and that includes your significant other. Respect yourself, learn how to walk away from situations we find ourselves uncomfortable in, learn to be more open and assertive, and respect will come your way.
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hey i have read through and i really appreciate all the comments. i think i should be assertive a tell her this firmly again.
and having said that i think i would have done my part and well. see how she reacts the next time.
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pls do update then
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Originally posted by CrabbyShaSha:
I sincerely do think that there is really some conflict going on here, or as you have put it, "contradictory".
May I guess that you are the opposite of your girlfriend's personality, and because she was so different from you, perhaps may I presumptuously presume, the part of you that yearns to be so carefree too, that you were attracted to her?
This has nothing to do with the so call "opposite attracts" for those are based on healthy complementary differences, not based on insecurity or "jealousy".
There is nothing wrong with you. You were just not comfortable with your girlfriend's "outgoing" behaviour to the boys and like what one forumnite said, I do not think those guys are being respectful to you or your girlfriend either when they are so-called "being playful" with her.
You said you had a long talk with her. Yet you also expect to be turned a deaf ear upon. The word is "expected". Why?
That is why I said "opposite attracts" and this "opposite" is not a good sign unlike those based on healthy complementary differences e.g.--> This is unlike she is into sports and you are into plants.
First, there seems to be a huge disregard of respect, from what you have written, from your girlfriend's side.
Can a relationship work without respect inspite of her "she kinda gets lost in the moment of fun" & "i know she dosent have any intentions"? Are those really good excuses?
Back to the part where you said you expected her to turn a deaf ear to you. Why are you letting her do that? Why do you allow someone especially your significant other, who should of all people, pay the most attention and respect to you, disrespect you this way? Why are you helping her to find excuses already (ref: "i know she can't really register.. because well she's kinda the type in one ear out the other and she kinda gets lost i the moment of fun.") and in a way expect to be walked all over by her?
In my opinion, work on your own issues first before you truly plunged into a relationship. Be truthful to yourself, your own feelings. Right now your own feelings is telling you that you are uncomfortable with this situation. Are you going to disregard it again and sweep it all under the rug only to be nudged time and time again by this uncomfortable feeling? Respect yourself and others will respect you. It is because (perhaps since growing up, people around you have been putting you down) that you are used to disregarding yourself that you have perhaps walked into this relationship without even realizing whether it is healthy or not for you.
Maybe it is a lot of work for you to do, but may I suggest that you write down what kind of qualities are you looking for in a girlfriend and what kind of girls in reality have you been attracted to? Compare the qualities in this 2 columns, are they in conflict? How do you think you are able to match both of them? You need some quiet time for this and a whole lot of thinking for yourself, what you want in your life and the quality of your partner. Especially pertaining to your significant other, this is not a matter to be "qing cai" or "anyhow" about.
I am going to be very presumptous here again, but I just want to say, we may not be able to choose our family, but we sure can choose the good friends we want to surround ourselves with and that includes your significant other. Respect yourself, learn how to walk away from situations we find ourselves uncomfortable in, learn to be more open and assertive, and respect will come your way.
actually you are pretty accurate in your analysis ,and it is true i am a quiet and quite an unassertive personality.
i really appreciate your post and yes, i will try to be more assertive with my feelings.
thanks for the advice.
i really want us to work out, so hopefully on her part she will hear what i said and be considerate and sensitive to me in the future.
thanks again
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oh mi god. . i've never tot of this "playing " thing to be so serious. . . .
i had a friend hu always tickels me by poking my sides, and i would always retaliate, by doing the same. . and her bf would be that, juz smiling. .
omg. . . i tink he muz have felt really akward and pissed. . . damn. . .
BLAME the GAL!
cos i wont touch without consent. . . . -
but i still worry that. if in the event i do feel jealous about other things.
how would i know if its me being overly jealous? how do i gauge so?
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Originally posted by maskedangel:
oh mi god. . i've never tot of this "playing " thing to be so serious. . . .
i had a friend hu always tickels me by poking my sides, and i would always retaliate, by doing the same. . and her bf would be that, juz smiling. .
omg. . . i tink he muz have felt really akward and pissed. . . damn. . .
BLAME the GAL!
cos i wont touch without consent. . . .honestly, i feel touching is a form of flirting in a way. its like overcoming a barrier.
but sometimes i think it may be reflective of my personality thinking this way. that i may not be a touchy sort and what if others are? isnt it unfair to guage my standards to other peoples?
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u cant exactly gauge it wad. . .
when u're jealous, u're jealous. . that will be part of your personality. .
hu woundlt feel jealous if their partner is touching another person of the opposite sex? -
Originally posted by Nuad:
honestly, i feel touching is a form of flirting in a way. its like overcoming a barrier.
but sometimes i think it may be reflective of my personality thinking this way. that i may not be a touchy sort and what if others are? isnt it unfair to guage my standards to other peoples?
i agree with u about the point of flirting. .
its juz that i got carried away, not realising my friend is actually fuming on the inside