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LoginWhat you say, What she hears
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Communicating with your girlfriend is a necessity if you're planning on keeping your relationship going. Unfortunately, your styles of speaking and listening might not always match up. Men tend to keep things simple and say the bare minimum when forced to express themselves, while women tend to play interpreter -- reading between the lines to fill in the holes in what she's hearing. The ultimate consequence?
Not only does she hear the words you actually do say, but she also catalogs all of the things you chose not to say -- even if you didn't mean to say them. You've probably been involved in more than a few arguments that were a result of something you said that was taken completely out of context or twisted into something else, and you were probably left scratching your head in bewilderment.
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There is good news: With a few tweaks to common things you might say in your relationship, you can most definitely cut down on her hearing mishaps. No matter what the conversational topic, keep reading to see where you've been going wrong, and how to fix what you say and what she hears.
"Your friend is really nice."
What she hears: "I'm interested in her, and I'm wondering if she'd sleep with me."
Why she hears it: Men aren't known for random compliments, so she might be jealous of the attention you're suddenly giving to her friend.
What you should have said: If you are going to compliment her female friends, be specific (reference a particular conversation you had) and try to qualify your statements (read: she seemed nice enough) to avoid looking like you're interested.---
"He's whipped!"
What she hears: "I've lost another friend to the relationship curse; women really know how to shut a guy down, but I vow never to give up my independence like that."
Why she hears it: If you mention your friend has changed since getting into a relationship -- and not for the better, according to you -- she'll assume that you feel relationships are negative and that you don't want to be in one.
What you should have said: If a relationship really has changed a friend, be careful to note whether the change is because of her (such as demanding hourly check-ins and regular gifts) or because of him (read: he's so crazy about her he blows off poker night to spend time with her). It really makes a difference.---
"I'm really busy."
What she hears: "I'm really too busy… For you."
Why she hears it: Women hear this and will immediately notice that you still have time for basketball with the guys, golf on Sundays and plenty of other non-vital activities, which leads her to believe that your lack of time is only related to her.
What you should have said: If you aren't saying this as an precursor to a break up, you need to make sure that your girlfriend isn't left feeling like she's getting the scraps of your spare time. Make dates with her in advance when you can, and make sure you keep them.---
"Who's that guy?"
What she hears: "Has he ever seen you naked?"
Why she hears it: Questions like this often feel territorial; she may feel like you've already made up your mind regardless of her actual response, and she could object to your possessive insinuation. Not every man she speaks to has slept with her, or wants to sleep with her, regardless of what you might think.
What you should have said: Don't mention her male friends and acquaintances first. Wait until she brings them up and fills you in on the details. If you run into another guy on the street with her, and she doesn't introduce you, then you should feel free to seek out the particulars.---
"Let me help you with that..."
What she hears: "I don't think you can do it on your own."
Why she hears it: Chivalrous behaviour has been fading for this generation, and women often get defensive when offered help in situations they feel capable of handling, even if the offer is sincere.
What you should have said: Rather than jumping in to take over, ask if she needs your assistance in a non-threatening kind of way, and accept whatever answer she gives.---
Relationship lingo
While these are just a few examples of things you might be saying to your girlfriend, they give you a pretty good idea of how your words are being interpreted by a woman's ears. Stay tuned -- we'll be decoding even more common phrases to help you out in your quest to understand your woman and how she really hears the things you say. <!-- IMPORTANT BEGIN: BOTTOM BOX -->
Edited by soleachip 07 Jun `08, 8:15PM
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Below is a chapter on something which happened to me during relationship days:
GF is ex-girlfriend
Me.... is me.. Haha......
GF is trying to solve a problem.
Me: Let me help with that. (Mistake 1)
GF: I don't want, I can handle it.
Me: You sure?
GF: Yes, ,yes, I can handle it. Pls go away.
Me: Ok, sure.
4 hours later, she is still at it.
Me: You sure you don't need help?
GF: Yes and I don't need your help.
ME: But you are at it for 4 hours already.Why not let me handle it? Will be faster. (Mistake 2)
GF: So, some good thing takes time.
Me: You sure, cos you are like not making any progress. (Mistake 3)
GF: Why do you have to look down on me everytime!???
Cannot remember the rest of the conversation and argument, but she ends up crying and I end up getting mad, cos I feel that it is illogical and time wasting to try doing something for hours which can be fixed by someone in minutes.
The problem here.... Me using the wrong words and her not willing to back down.
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Originally posted by shrekho:
Below is a chapter on something which happened to me during relationship days:
GF is ex-girlfriend
Me.... is me.. Haha......
GF is trying to solve a problem.
Me: Let me help with that. (Mistake 1)
GF: I don't want, I can handle it.
Me: You sure?
GF: Yes, ,yes, I can handle it. Pls go away.
Me: Ok, sure.
4 hours later, she is still at it.
Me: You sure you don't need help?
GF: Yes and I don't need your help.
ME: But you are at it for 4 hours already.Why not let me handle it? Will be faster. (Mistake 2)
GF: So, some good thing takes time.
Me: You sure, cos you are like not making any progress. (Mistake 3)
GF: Why do you have to look down on me everytime!???
Cannot remember the rest of the conversation and argument, but she ends up crying and I end up getting mad, cos I feel that it is illogical and time wasting to try doing something for hours which can be fixed by someone in minutes.
The problem here.... Me using the wrong words and her not willing to back down.
Next time must like that
"I help you do, we finish it faster, then we can go shopping longer. How?"
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What you say, What she says II
Society doesn't value the strong and silent type of man like the good old days used to. Gone are the gruff, monosyllabic heroes who only spoke six words a week and instead communicated with steely eyes. Nowadays men are expected to talk -- talk about their day, talk about their feelings, talk about the weather, talk, talk, talk.
Unfortunately, a lot of men might have verbal communication figured out when they're with their friends, but they are completely lost when it comes to talking to, and being correctly heard by, the women in their lives.
In Part I, we introduced you to a few of the miscommunications that may come up between you and your girlfriend and how to get through any rough patches that might arise from her skewed version of your statement. But there is much more educating to be done.Keep reading for another dose of how she interprets what you say, regardless of your innocent intent.
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"I'm just going out with the guys."
What she hears: "We are going to see strippers and I will likely be talking to the guys about our relationship."
Why she hears it: Just as men like to believe that when women get together it always ends in underwear and pillow fights, women assume that men-only nights will involve nudity and girlfriend trashing.
What you should have said: Even though it feels like checking in, let her know where you're really going and don't divulge any of the things said on your night out; if you relay info about a pal's woman, she'll wonder what you say about her when she's not around. Just be honest with her, but don't feel like you're checking in with mom either.---
"She's just a friend!"
What she hears: "She won't sleep with me…Yet."
Why she hears it: A lot of women don't believe that men and women can be platonic in a long-term "friendship," and feel that no man would strike up a new friendship with a woman unless he is attracted to her.
What you should have said: If she really is just a friend, introduce her to your girlfriend. This will let your woman see that you've set boundaries by announcing your relationship status, and she'll feel better having met the woman who spends time alone with her man.---
"Your smile is so gorgeous." (Or another unsolicited compliment)
What she hears: "I feel guilty about something and I am trying to distract you."
Why she hears it: After the initial stages of dating, compliments tend to dwindle; out-of-the-blue comments are going to have her wondering what you are trying to make up for. And if you're not the kind of guy to throw around "I love yous" and flattering comments, don't start suddenly or she'll be wary of your intentions.
What you should have said: Either compliment her consistently to avoid looking suspicious or talk to her about the real problem you were hoping to avoid -- you know she'll find out eventually anyway.---
"This reminds me of my mom's [food/object]."
What she hears: "I am comparing you to my mother, as I always do."
Why she hears it: Women are naturally competitive in a lot of areas, and pleasing you is probably one of them. Unfortunately, she knows she can't compete with the woman who raised you, and by constantly bringing up the fact that you're comparing her to your mother will only make the situation worse.
What you should have said: No one will advise you to stop talking about your mother, but be sure to avoid comparing her to your girlfriend -- at all costs.---
"Just phoning to say hi."
What she hears: "I'm checking up on you."
Why she hears it: For her entire life, she's probably felt that getting a man to call is like pulling teeth. So, for you to randomly call without a specific intent will have her thinking that a checkup is the only possible explanation.
What you should have said: Always have a reason for calling. Even if it's something small and pointless, having a point to the conversation helps diffuse the checkup vibe -- even if that really was your intention.---
Language of Love
These are just a few more examples of how you might have started your last fight with your girlfriend without even knowing what you were doing wrong.
While you might think that just bothering to communicate with her is enough, most of you will know better than to say whatever comes to mind -- you have to consider all the ways she could twist your words into something else or you could end up in more trouble than you bargained for.
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As for What he hears, when she says... it's relatively simple.
What He Hears When You Speak
Men don't always hear everything you're saying, which means he's not always getting your message:
You say (after being introduced): Do you know this band?
He hears: I want you now
You say: What do you do?
He hears: Are you making enough money to make you marriage material?
You say: My ex is a crazy stalker who won't stop calling me. He scares me
He hears: I'm still in love with my ex
You say: What are we doing Saturday night?
He hears: I want all your time for the rest of your life
You say (after making love): That was really nice
He hears: That was the best sex of my life. Let's do it again!
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