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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!" Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding his Captain Happy in> his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
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A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”
“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
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A local office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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