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At the last minute, a man got a ticket to the Superbowl. He seat, however, was in the nosebleed section.
At one point during the game, he looks way down and sees an empty seat, right on the 50 yard line a few rows up.
He walks down and asks the man sitting next to the empty seat if anyone was sitting there.
He replies that it used to be his wife's seat, but she recently passed away.
The other man replies, "wow I'm so sorry to hear that, but you don't have anyone to give the ticket to? I mean this is an amazing seat!"
The man replies, "I do, but they are all at my wife's funeral."
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Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They reached the water
hazard and Jesus took out his 9 iron and addressed the ball.
"Hold it!" yelled Moses, "That's too far. You need to use a
wood for that shot."
"No," replied Jesus, "I saw Tiger Woods make this shot with
a 9 iron on TV last Sunday."
Jesus swung at the ball, and "kerplunk" it went right in the
middle
of the water hazard. Moses parted the water and Jesus fetched His
ball.
He set up the ball and again took out His 9 iron.
"Hold it!" yelled Moses, "I already told You that You need
a wood for that shot."
"No," replied Jesus, "Tiger Woods made this shot with a
wood on TV last Sunday."
"OK," said Moses, "But I'm not helping You get Your ball
this time."
Jesus swung at the ball, and again it went "kerplunk" right
in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus started walking across
the water to retrieve His ball.
About that time a foursome played up. When they saw Jesus
walking on the water they asked Moses:
"Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
"Hell no," replied Moses, "He thinks He's Tiger Woods."
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capell i?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 months vacation and five good leads.'
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1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says,
"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give
him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I
got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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Q: Know what's gross?
A: A garbage can full of dead babies
Q: Know what's grosser than that?
A: One at the bottom is still alive.
Q: Know what's grosser than that?
A: He has to eat his way out.
Q: Know what's grosser than that?
A: He goes back for more.
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Q: What do you call a dead baby stapled to a wall?
A: Art.
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Q: What's worse than a 7 babies stapled to a tree?
A: A baby stapled to 7 trees.'Sry if this is posted before
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